THE following incident occurred in Vermont on the 15th of April last:

An ardent admirer of our late lamented President was listening with the eager crowd to the reading of the dispatch announcing the assassination of President Lincoln. Upon reading that "the assassin leaped from the box on to the stage and escaped in the rear of the theatre," our friend cried out, in a most excited manner, "Why didn't they stop the stage? the driver ought to be arrested and shot!" Jonathan's mind was running on stage-coaches, of which he is a small proprietor.

In a good old town not a hundred miles from the "Hub of the Universe" there lived an old man

whose education had been somewhat neglected in his youth. He was a member of an Odd Fellows lodge, and prided himself on his deep knowledge of the mysteries of that association. A word would sometimes occur in the resolutions or reports read at their meetings which would be most too deep for "Old Bill's" comprehension, but he would always have a unique definition for it, which, if not instructive, would be at least amusing.

One evening our friend was returning in a meditative mood from a rather late session, when the even flow of his thoughts was interrupted by a "brother," who said,

"Brother F, do you know the meaning of the word archaeological, which was used this evening ?"

cote asked him to look at his painting of the angel meeting Balaam and his ass.

"How do you like it?" said Northcote. "Vastly," replied Fuseli. "You are an angel at an ass, but an ass at an angel."

THE late Archbishop of Dublin once inquired of a physician, "Why does the operation of hanging kill a man?" "Because inspiration is checked, circulation stopped, and blood suffuses and congests the brain." "Bosh!" replied his Grace; "it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."

A COLONEL was complaining at an evening party that, from the ignorance and inattention of the officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. Said he: "I am my own major, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own ensign, my own sergeant, and-" "Your own trumpeter," said a lady present.

A CALIFORNIAN digger having become rich, desired a friend to purchase a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection; I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakspeare. If these gentlemen should write and publish any thing more, be sure and send me their new works."

SAM B was elected to the Lower House of

the California Legislature. Sam was not a remarkably brilliant genius, though he had his share of honors from his party. It was during the struggle

in the Crimea. Sam was on the Committee on Military Affairs. He wanted something for the committee to do. One day he rose deliberately in his place and, with great gravity, said:

mittee on Military Affairs for prompt settlement."

ALMOST any full-grown man within a radius of one hundred miles of Mineral Point, Wisconsin, and

Brother S was satisfied.

EDITOR DRAWER,—The following notice appears in the columns of one of our local papers: Notice to Dogs.

ALL DOGS within the limits of the Town of Gold Hill

will please take notice, that by the laws of said town you are required to call immediately at the Marshal's of fice and obtain a "tag." On and after four days from this date all dogs found within said limits without a "tag" will be impounded at their own expense, and after imprisonment for three days will be shot until they are dead. THOS. H. JOHNSON, Marshal.

GOLD HILL, NEV., April 1, 1865. Strange to say, the "dorgs" have congregated in large numbers near the marshal's office since the publication of the above, seemingly to "obtain a 'tag'" and save further expense to themselves.

Yours constantly,

WASHOE.

FUSELI, a celebrated painter, was very sarcastic in criticising the productions of other artists. North

Dunn, a lawyer, noted for his eccentricities, of which of the Randolph family, and from Pocahontas-so it he was legitimately possessed, being a descendant is said. Now Frank was on a certain occasion prac

ticing before a justice in one of the central mining

towns of California. The justice ruled against Frank persistently, till Frank, who was never in the most amiable mood, could stand it no longer. In his peculiar drawl he said: "Yer Honor's a fool!" Frank, on a second's thought, sought to apologize, which he did thus: "Yer Honor, I take that back, for, in the language of a celebrated poet, the truth shouldn't be spoken at all times."

"In the language of a celebrated poet" was a favorite and characteristic expression of Frank's.

ONCE upon a time the Pi Utes were intent on "lifting the hair" of their white neighbors in the silver region of the new State of Nevada. Rumors of a big Indian war had gone across the Sierra Nevada, and much excitement ensued. Every body in

California talked of giving aid to their brethren in the then Territory, and relief in some shape was volunteered in many places in the Golden State. Sam B called together the brave boys of one of the frontier mountain counties, to see what could be done in the way of putting the murdering red skins down. But few were anxious to peril their lives, it was found, on getting the boys together. Sam arose with indignation. He expected better things, he said, of the men of his county. He anticipated leading a gallant band to the field of glory. But, instead, he beheld only a mere handful. "Gentlemen," said Sam, "it's no use to send over this mis.erable squad. Nevada County ought, for her own credit, to send men enough to make a respectable corpse !"

'Tis said two Judges who had volunteered, not liking the ghastly allusion, immediately concluded to take their chances on the California side of the Sierras.

A GENTLEMAN, on hearing a lady praise the eyes of a certain minister, wrote the following:

"I can not praise the doctor's eyes,
I never saw his glance divine;
For when he prays he shuts his eyes,

And when he preaches he shuts mine."

DURING the war a woman went to a grocer's shop, and found she was paying nearly double for candles, so she asked what was the reason candles were so dear. The grocer replied, "Oh, it is the war." "Dear me!" said the woman, "have they got to fighting by candle-light!"

SOME years before the war business interests frequently called me to Virginia. In the county of Westmoreland, situate in what is popularly known as the "Northern Neck," I have a recollection of an ambitious old lady who nursed a darling project of marrying her only daughter to a wealthy farmer in the adjacent county. One day the coveted son-inlaw happening to "drop in," was prevailed upon to stay to dinner, which was got up in the old lady's best style. Dessert coming on, the hostess begged leave to pledge her guest in a glass of cider, then the never-failing concomitant of every meal. Whether under the influence of certain preceding glasses, or whether she was inspired by a sudden desperate resolve to hazard every thing, certain it is that the old lady, to the general surprise, gave the following:

"Here's to you, Mr. Davis! a long life and a merry one; a good wife and a pretty one-and that's my Nancy!"

Nancy blushed, and so did Mr. Davis; but he took the hint, and consummated matters that evening.

JOHN BOWERS was smitten at Old Latham's-a jolly old fellow, blessed with two very pretty daughters. John was as regular in his visits as Sunday itself; but one memorable Sunday, when the house was filled with beaux and belles, old Latham issued forth to his work. John followed him from the house, and began:

"Nice lot of hogs, Mr. Latham," said John, by way of introduction.

"Yes-pretty good pork, John, if I only have luck," said old Latham, who really liked him, and often scolded his daughters for the fun they made of him.

John was silent for a few minutes, but at length, with a terribly unconcerned look at some wheatstacks a mile distant, he said, gaspingly,

"Mr. Latham, I-I-come courtin', Sir." "Well, John," said the old man, amused, “young men will do that nowadays. I hope you are getting on all right?"

"Yes, Sir," said John, taking courage:" and I come to ax you for one o' your daughters."

"Oh!" said old Latham, biting his lips, "you've come to that already, have you, John? Well, which one is it, John ?"

"Oh, Sir, as to that"-said poor John, with a ludicrous air of serene sheepishness" as to that, Sir, it don't make any difference; either one'll do, Sir!"

Old Latham used to tell the story afterward, much to his pretty daughters' discomfiture.

A UNIONIST in Mobile, Alabama, writes to the Drawer:

During the siege of this city all the ladies were hard at work at one time making bags to be filled with sand. Sewing-circles, churches, and schools, all lent a willing hand. One school for young ladies sent its share with patriotic mottoes. One zealous young lady's name can now be seen as follows: "God save the South from Mary Brown!"

IT was about the time of Lee's surrender, when Richmond, gold, and most every thing else seemed tumbling downward, that a Milwaukee wag, who had been speculating largely in Western products, called at a store in that city. The druggist proposed to sell him one of his specifics, which he recommended as a sure thing "to prevent hair from falling." Our friend replied that he thought his hair might survive it; but if the dealer had any thing in his shop that would stop wool falling, it was just the article he had been looking for.

A LETTER With the following address was received by a soldier in the Seventeenth Corps, Sherman's Army:

"Gang awa, my little letter,

To the laddie dear to me;
Sam E. Lyon, in the army,
Now at Memphis, Tennessee.

Uncle Sam respects his namesake, and will see that this is left in the Thirty-third Wisconsin, Captain Wemple, Company F."

THE next two come from Davenport, Iowa: We have a four-year-old round our way who has some strange notions of capital punishment. When she heard of the President's death, she exclaimed, "I wish that rebel was dead-I wish he was hung!" Having heard these two words before, and not exactly understanding their meaning, and thinking perhaps that it was better to add an opinion of her own, she said, "I wish he was put on top of the house and the ladder taken away!"

THE following incident occurred in the rebel prison on Rock Island, where the prisoners are guarded by negroes: A certain darkey on guard, seeing his old master, exclaimed, "Hullo, massa! bottom rail top!"

A DOZEN years ago the old firm of Bliss, Merritt, and Co. were one of the largest of the New York dry-goods importers. Mr. Wheelock was then a

"Ah, indeed!" exclaimed the Briton, with much astonishment. "And, pray, where did the American Government get it?"

"General Jackson captured it at the battle of New Orleans," coolly answered the Irish-American, shouldering his piece, and "stepping off with the left foot, common time."

THE Niagara, during her sojourn in England, was constantly thronged with visitors from the shore, who inspected her external and internal arrangements with a great deal of curiosity and interest, asking all sorts of questions with a volubility and pertinacity second only to that of the genuine Yankee. Upon one occasion I happened to be in the sick bay (a part of the ship portioned off for the reception of those under medical treatment), and my attention was attracted by a bright-looking little boy, who appeared to be on a tour of inspection on his own hook. The hammocks and their inmates, swinging from hooks in the beams overhead, seemed to excite his curiosity more than any thing else, and at length he ventured to ask me how the men managed to get in them. For the truly American fun of quizzing, I told him that they placed them upon the deck, and getting into them there, hoisted each other up in succession.

As quick as thought, however, he caught me up with the query, "Yes; but, tell me, who hoists the last man up?"

He had me there; and as I explained the true modus operandi to him I was forced to acknowledge that his question was unanswerable.

SHORTLY after the English had conquered the Dutch in New York and New Jersey, an Indian, named by the whites "Indian Will," figured quite prominently in various transactions between the whites and Indians in Monmouth County, New Jersey. Will was a daring, athletic man, and often showed marked shrewdness in encounters with other Indians-for, from several causes, he had excited the ill-will of all of his tribe. They accused him of wronging them in land sales, of killing his wife, and other offenses. One time an Indian called Jacob by the whites, who was well armed, surprised Will in a defenseless condition, and undertook to march him prisoner to the rest of the tribe. Will pretended to yield himself submissively, but as they were marching along he dropped a step or two behind, and suddenly picked up a pine-knot and dealt his captor a speedy and fatal blow on the head. When his victim fell, he tauntingly exclaimed,

"Look at the sun, Jacob; you'll never see it rise again!"

To make sure work of killing Will, four or five Indians at length started in pursuit of him, and they succeeded in surprising him so suddenly that he had no chance for defense or flight. His captors told him they were about to kill him, and he must at once prepare to die. Will heard his doom with Indian stoicism, and he had only one favor to ask before he died, and that was to be allowed to take a

fuse. As Will's jug was full, it was only common politeness to ask them to drink too. Now if his captors had any weakness it was rum too, so they gratefully accepted his invitation. The drink rendered them talkative, and they commenced reasoncondemned man admitted the justness of their reproaches, and begged to be allowed another drink to drown the stings of conscience; the captors condescendingly joined him again-indeed it would have been cruel to refuse to drink with a man so soon to die. This gone through with, they persuaded Will to make a full confession of his misdeeds, and their magnitude so aroused the indignation of his captors that they had to take another drink to enable them to do their duty becominglyindeed they took divers drinks, so overcome were they by his harrowing tale; and then they became so unmanned that they had to recuperate by sleep. Then crafty Will, who had drank but little, softly arose, found his hatchet, and dispatched his wouldbe captors.

To a traveler from New York toward Philadelphia and Baltimore we should hardly know what to recommend to take as life - preservers in case of danger. But over the same route, near two centuries ago, the most desirable life-preserver a traveler could take was declared to be "a horse with a long tail." This recommendation, though now apparently so ludicrous, was then urged with good reason. The celebrated Quaker preacher, Richardson, whose journal is to be found in the home of almost every intelligent Quaker, speaks of many lives being saved by the long tails of horses, and of many lives lost for want of them; and he very earnestly warns travelers across New Jersey of the danger in neglecting to take horses with lengthy fly-dispersers.

At that time Philadelphia was not thought ofno roads across New Jersey; nothing but Indian paths through the forests; the streams were crossed by the travelers in frail canoes, and the horses would swim behind with a halter fast to the canoe. The canoes were liable to upset, and the traveler who could not swim could grasp the tail of the horse. Nowadays, perhaps, travelers over the same route feel the most safe if the iron horse has a long tail, in the shape of a long train of cars, and he can get into the rear one.

JUST previous to the last war with England an eccentric coasting captain, named Winner, settled in the village of Goodluck, Ocean County, New Jersey. Winner was then a man of some means, owning a vessel and other property; but the fortunes of war stripped him of every thing. One day he was traveling some distance from home, very depressed on account of his losses. The landlord of an inn where he stopped asked him his name. Winner replied,

"I am ashamed to tell it, for it is a great lie!" "Well, where are you from, then?" said the landlord.

"I am ashamed to tell you that, for it is a great sight bigger lie than the other," was the reply. The landlord and by-standers began to think him drunk or crazy, until he explained himself.

"My name is Winner, but I am always a loser; I live at a place called Goodluck, but I never found any thing there but bad luck!"

In the early part of the present century prominent among the three-cornered-hat divines of New England was the Rev. Dr. Emmons, of Franklin, Massachusetts. At this time instrumental music in churches was, by many, and none the less so by the old Doctor himself, considered as among the abominations of latter-day innovations. Not so thought the choir, mostly of the younger class, and its introduction was secretly determined on, but most carefully kept from the knowledge of Dr. E., whose opposition was certain and whose will was absolute. The eventful day arrived, the Doctor made the customary introductory prayer, read the hymn, and immediately his ears were greeted with the sacrilegious sounds of the hautboy, clarionet, and-abomination of all abominations!-the screaming fiddle. The second, or long prayer, followed, and, omitting the second customary hymn, then followed the sermon, benediction, etc. Rapid, almost, as on the wings of the wind, news of the dire event spread from house to house, and long before the afternoon services commenced there was not a vacant seat or standing-place in the house-such was the anxiety to witness the result. As usual, and apparently in nowise disturbed by the morning's proceedings, the Doctor read a hymn, when the leader of the choir arose in his place and announced that "there would be no singing this afternoon." "Then," said the Doctor, "there will be no preaching; the congregation is dismissed." Not till after the old Doctor's soul, as is fondly believed, was at rest in heaven, was the attempt repeated to introduce instrumental music.

LAWYER (now General) B—, when early in practice, had a student by name of D. On admission to the bar the latter established himself in a neighboring city, eventually becoming one of the most successful and prominent members of the bar. The former, now an exemplary teetotaler, was accustomed to crook his elbow a little too often for his reputation or his interest. Business often brought the two into professional conflict, when the younger generally proved more than a match for the elder. This created a little uncalled-for envy as well as jealousy, and few if any opportunities were lost by the elder in his attempts at a sideslap at the younger, who, commencing practice quite young, and constitutionally somewhat diffident, was precise and deliberate in his opening address to the Court and jury. On one occasion he was particularly so, and on taking his seat Lawyer B- his opposing counsel, sneeringly remarked, "That speech must have been delivered before a glass." "Better before a glass than after one," was the quiet reply. It was the last sneering attack of the senior upon the junior.

M-, for many years the leader of the bar in New Hampshire, and one of the most estimable of men, may find a place in the Drawer, and are at its service. Between Mr. M and Judge Ca feeling of intimacy existed that seemed to justify in each a joke at the expense of the other. Among the cases to be tried in the court over which Judge C presided was one for theft. On being called, the prisoner, aware that the proof was too positive to admit of any doubt of conviction, and intending to plead guilty and throw himself upon the mercy of the Court, appeared without counsel. In such cases it was customary for the Judge to appoint counsel, always selecting from the younger members of the bar. Here was an opportunity too good to be lost for Judge C to wipe off at least one of the scores of jokes standing to his debit in his account with Mr. M. So, quite deliberately, the Judge appointed him to defend the prisoner. Mr. M- thanked the Judge for the compliment and promptly accepted the appointment, remarking that as the case was new to him he should like a few minutes' private conversation with his client. Certainly," replied the Judge, immediately directing the sheriff to conduct Mr. M- and the prisoner to a private room. On leaving, the Judge, with a peculiar smile which Mr. M- well understood, expressed the hope that he would give his friend some good advice. Locking the door of the room to which the sheriff had conducted them, Mr. M— asked the prisoner if he was guilty. "Guilty," was the frank reply. "Do you see the woods yonder?" "Yes." "Well, beyond them

66

is a small brook, the dividing line between the two counties; once over that brook you are out of the jurisdiction of this court; and if you are as guilty as you say you are I advise you to lose no time in passing that line." No sooner said than done: out of the opened window he jumped, and run for dear life. The Court, getting impatient, sent the sheriff for them. Returning without the prisoner, the Judge asked Mr. M-where he was. "May it please your Honor," he replied, “as we were leaving this room for a private consultation you kindly expressed the hope that I would give my friend the prisoner some good advice; and learning from him that he was guilty, and acting in accordance with your suggestion, I advised him to cut and run; and the last I saw of him he was streaking it for the adjoining county as though the very evil one was after him." The Judge concluded that he had not made much progress in squaring accounts.

DURING the operations of General Sherman in Georgia we had in the employ of our office a oneeyed contraband by the name of Will. At the time the charge was made upon the enemy's works on the Kenesaw Mountain we were located in rather close proximity to the lines, and it was not an unusual affair for a shell to pass over our camp. On the evening in question I came to the door of my tent to watch the flashing of the guns upon the side of the mountain. After standing a few moments I discovered Will, who had also left his bed, standing behind a large tree, his eye fixed upon the mountain. As the lines advanced and the shouts of the contending parties mingled with the deafening rattle of the musketry I turned to Will and asked, "What would you do if you were there?" Without turning his eye from the scene above he answered, in a subdued tone, "Don' know: guess