THE INTER-UNIVERSITY TOURNAMENT.

chess:

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"I have been there, and still would go ;
'Tis like a little Heaven below;"

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that is, in a theatrical sense. Also, Your Representative must UNCH'S University qualify the expression, "still would go," by adding, when Correspondent inin- Topsyturvydom is out of the bill." But for one song, tellingly forms him that, but rendered by MISS HOLLAND, it would have been all up with this for the failure of wearisome piece. The idea, not a new one, was whimsical enough certain in itself, and would do, as it has done already, well enough ments of detail, the on paper, or, when grotesquely illustrated, in a scene of a Pantofollowing competi- mime, or Extravaganza. Since the first night, Topsyturvydom, tions would have which commenced its unhappy career at the bottom of the bill, been added to the has been placed at the top, so as to be as much out of the way annual Oxford and as possible, and perhaps, ere this appears, it will have been releCambridge boat-gated to the limbo of Theatrical failures, in company with the race, athletic sports, Blue Legged Lady, Charity, and the Second Act of Committed for and matches at bil- Trial. In those dismal Realms of Joy, dramatis persona from the liards, rackets, and Palace of Truth, Happy Arcadia, and Creatures of Impulse, may meet together, bemoan their sad fate, think what they might have First, a grand been if they only had their chances over again and could unite oratorical display be- in making one good piece all together, instead of being compelled tween the Presidents to suffer the consequences of being brought into the world as the of the Oxford and weak offspring of a thoroughly worn-out idea. Cambridge Union From this melancholy spectacle-it wasn't a spectacle at all in Societies, assisted by the theatrical sense-it is refreshing to turn to MR. BYRON'S the foremost speaAmerican Lady, emphatically MR. BYRON'S American Lady and kers of those bodies. nobody else's. There is a plot, as there was in the same author's The subject of de- Haunted Houses (does any one remember this remarkably ingenious bate to be ethico-play at the Adelphi ?), Your Representative will on oath depose to political. Inductive its existence; at the same time he must take this opportunity of argument, or gesti- expressing his unbounded admiration of the detective-like faculties culation of any kind, of the critics who actually discovered, and published it next mornbe sole referee and ing. The dialogue sparkled in the gaslight, and the author, who himself played one of the characters, had taken care that all his lines should be cast in pleasant places. Every line he threw out furnished with a sharp hook, well baited, caught its fish.

strictly forbidden. DR. KENEALY, Q.C., to
umpire. The arrangements unfortunately fell through, as the
SPEAKER did not in sufficient time express an intention of placing
the floor and tea-room of the House of Commons at the disposal of
the competitors.

Secondly, a grand Inter-University Pea-shooting contest. Conditions of the match to be that a private omnibus be hired for the conveyance of the competitors, and the same to be driven at a foot's pace from the Marble Arch to Regent's Circus. The rival candidates, in their proper colours, to be ranged back to back on the "knifeboard" of the vehicle, and the victory to be adjudged to that University whose representatives received the greatest number of summonses from outraged pedestrians.

Thirdly, a Match, four a side, for the most stunningly-dressed Undergraduates. The rival representatives to walk arm-in-arm once up and down Regent Street, at three o'clock in the afternoon. Captains to toss for choice of the sunny side of the street. Masonic regalia not allowable.

Finally, a grand game of Draughts, to be played at Exeter Hall. Doors to be open at eight P.M. Six representative players of each University. The conditions of the match to be that each pair shall play three games; time to be called at eleven P.M. The losers to pay all expenses incidental to the hire of the Hall. The general public to be admitted by half-guinea tickets. The proceeds, if any, to go to the liquidation of the National Debt.

The revived Olympian Games were to have closed with an InterUniversity Bull-dog Show at the Agricultural Hall, and an Exhibition of coloured Meerschaums at the Albert Ditto, with a massive gold medal for the ugliest canine and the loveliest clay, bearing the motto "Detur digniori," to be awarded by Her Gracious MAJESTY in person.

STR,

OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
At the Criterion and generally Round About.

THE Criterion, "which," the proprietors would probably
say, if they had any leisure for joking, is not a criterion to go
by, but one to enter "-possesses one of the prettiest, if not quite
the prettiest (and I don't think, as the fat boy said, "I knows
a nicerer") theatre in London. It is most elegant in its fittings,
furniture, and decorations; and the one fault in its stalls is, that
the backs of the seats are at such an angle to their base, as to
render a passage between the rows embarrassing and unpleasant.
It's all very well to say that the seats are moveable, and that
the sitters can make room for you to pass if they are only willing
to do so.
But, as a rule, they are not willing. An Englishman
once seated in a place of amusement regards every new arrival
who may have to pass him as a borish intruder. By sacrificing
one line of stalls, the comfort of the passer-by and the squatter
would be secured; and this is worth consideration. In every other
respect the interior of the Theatre seemed to Your Representative
to be all that one could desire. Like the Athénée in Paris, and
the Opéra Comique, the Criterion Theatre is dans le cave; but-

Of course, given such a subject as an American Lady, and there is no one in town to play it like MRS. JOHN WOOD. If MRS. WOOD will not play in Opéras Bouffes, and when suited with a bouffe part, she is incomparable, well-you can't deal with her as the bird, that can sing but won't sing, is treated in the proverb.

So much for the Criterion, and now for a look round.

Philip is still "on his way through the 'theatrical' world," at the Lyceum, but I have not yet discovered who sings that boat-song, "Ohé! Ohé! on the banks of the Guadalquivir," behind the scenes? Is it, or is it not, MR. HAMILTON AIDE himself? Juan should be described in the bills in the old fashion thus

Juan (with a song, without), MR. CLAYTON.

If Philip becomes a stock drama, Juan will, I suppose, fall to the singing comedian who is usually cast for Sir Harry in the School for Scandal.

There is some talk of reviving" Charles his friend" during the season (I mean MR. WILLS's Charles), and on dit that the Bells are to be heard again. This is ringing the changes. Then there's to be MR. TOOLE at the Globe at Easter, in a new piece by MR. ALBERY. The Clandestine Marriage, and much work for the Opéra Bouffe department at the Gaiety about the same time.

"O what a season we are having!" is, I hear, to be the cry. The German Reed troupe opens at St. George's Hall, and LECOQ's new Comic Opera is to be played by the Belgian Company in London somewhere about June.

I am informed by a gentleman who kindly represented Your Representative in his stall at M. HUMBERT'S Theatre at Brussels, that in some respects Giroflé is better than Madame Angot. Another gentleman, equally trustworthy, told me it wasn't anything of the sort.

The former said it was merely an ordinary Comic Opera; the latter that it was a regular Opéra Bouffe under the name of Comic first pooh-pooh'd the Pirate Chorus, observed 'twas a weak attempt Opera. The second was in ecstasies about the Pirate Chorus; the to repeat the Conspirators' Chorus, and added that the morceau was the tenor-song.

he may have been inclined to review the events of the première with One of my informants was very unwell on the voyage back, so a jaundiced eye.

I present you with the above three-penn'orth of useful information, and foreseeing much work in the Operatic and Dramatic department, remain, as ever,

YOUR REPRESENTATIVE.

FASTS AND FESTIVALS.

RITUALISM may draw considerably crowded churches by the attraction of dresses and decorations, but its preachers have not succeeded in impressing the British Public with an idea of the difference between festive and penitential holidays. The Railway Companies announce no end of Fast Trains to run on Good Friday.

THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE.

(Rowed Saturday, March 28, 1874.)

LINLEY SAMBOURME

DEL.

ATISFIED! If my readers ain't, they ought to be. If they haven't made pots of moneydidn't I say put the pot on Cambridge last week ?-it's no fault of mine. Didn't I advise you to take it off Oxford ? Of course. "Which crew rowed dark?" Why, Light rowed dark, and was, as I predicted, the winner. The Spare Man sat in the only spare space on board his crowded vessel, and surveyed mankind from Chiswick to Putney! By his side sat an amiable and clever draughtsman, as sporting with his pencil as is your own Spare Man with his pen. I was glorying in our athletes: so was he. He agreed with me: I agreed with him: and

the cup which cheers, but does not inebriate up to a certain point, agreed with both of us.

"Here, Sir," quoth I, are our young Academicians. Oxonians and Cantabs-cousins, being children of Sister Universities."

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Hear! hear!" from my A.D.C.-which doesn't stand for Aide-de-Camp, but for Amiable and Clever Draughtsman.
Why should our friend WILKIE COLLINS-"

"No name! interrupted the A.D.C., emerging from a silent draught.

"Hand me the beaker," I continued, "and ply thy pencil.'

He plied, and complied.

"Why," I resumed, after a refresher, which was perfectly legal, "why should he try to frighten our athletes from their sports with his Geoffrey Delamayn in Man and Wife? Listen, my Amiable one, to the noise in those reeds."

""Tis the voice of the Froggy, I hear him complain," observed the A.D.C. And then, having said his say, he cut his pencil, and drew a long breath.

"Yes, 'tis even so," I replied. "And the moral is, that even on the most festive occasions there will always be croakers." "Eftsoons!" exclaimed the A.D.C., being waggish, "thou hast

said well."

"I penetrate the jocosity, frogs, efts, and eftsoons. My friend, draw it mild."

He took up his pencil and drew it mild. (Look at the efts and the frogs in the Initial. Walk up. Walk up!)

"Why didn't Oxfor ddine with the MAYOR?" asked the Amiable. "I give it up. What is the answer?" "The answer came by telegraph. The MAYOR didn't seem inclined to take No for an answer."

SHOUTHER TO SHOUTHER.

The very best Second in a Mill (Coffee or other)The Forty-Second!

"Lor' bless you, it was a hollow thing from the first," I observed, as I handed the empty tankard to my Amiable friend. The artist drew me-towards him.

66 Farewell! he said; "there is no more between us. I thought that this was an event where all was fair and aboveboard. You said so. I go to present my compliments to that young lady sitting by Mr. Punch. She has won twenty pairs of gloves from me. The Initial I shall present to our dear old P. as a memento of the race. Farewell, brave Spaniard!"

He went for'ard, I went aft. He to the lady of his love ("I will
not name, &c."-words of tenor-song), I to luncheon.
So, Oxford and Cambridge, au revoir next year. In the meantime,
think of the old refrain,
"Row, brothers, row,"

"There should have been," said I, "a special performance in and drink to the health of one who signs himself
honour of the event, given at the Olympic before Clancarty. They
once played at that house a neat lever du rideau, translated from the
French, which was called Je Dine chez ma Mère. It could have
been adapted for Cambridge as Je ne Dine pas chez Milord Maire."
La Belle France!" sighed the Amiable one, thinking of the
happy day when he saw Boulogne for the first and only time,
through a telescope, from the upper cliff at Folkestone.

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Quite so; but La Belle' doesn't go in for this sort of thing. How would any Continental people like to give up their tobacco, their liquor"

"Pass the wine-cup!"

"And remember," said I, not heeding the request, "that this is one of the few races where betting is comparatively harmless, where all must be done, so to speak, aboveboard; where

"Hi! Horrooh! Well pulled! Now you're winning! Well pulled! Go it, Oxford! Go it, Cambridge!" I drank the health of the winner.

MY DEAR MALINS,

Minos Minax.

THE SPARE MAN.

QUUM semel occideris, et de te candida Minos
Fecerit arbitria!!!

Thy good friend,
RHADAMANTHUS (for Self and Partners).

P.S.-Beware of obiter dicta, and don't forget my notions about corruptio optimi pessima. Be wise in time.

REFLECTION ON EMPEROR WILLIAM'S BIRTHDAY.-Yes! he has set his mark upon the age, and his Bis-mark, too!