Box-Keeper (to Country Visitor, who, on removing his Overcoat, reveals the glories of his Vest). "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT I'M AFRAID YOUR WAISTCOAT AIN'T QUITE THE THING FOR THE STALLS." Country Visitor (with indignant surprise). "NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR A SONG OF THE GENIAL SCHOOL-BOY. O, THE Silver Birch is a bonny tree, May they flourish in cold or heat! O, I like my bread both thick and stale, What other fellows call beastly prog Is the very stuff for me: I like to look down on a man with his dog I like to be tunded twice a day, And swished three times a week; But, by Jove and Jingo, old fellow, I say, BISMARCK THE BATHMAN. THE Times' Paris Correspondent states in a telegram respecting the Ultramontane representative whom BISMARCK chaffed in the Reichstag that "PRINCE BISMARCK's recommendation to him to use plenty of water has created much amusement, HERR GEORG being rather negligent as to his personal appearance." This HERR GEORG, or JOERG, or JÖRG, whichever his name is, perhaps combines new-fangled Ultramontanism with antique sanctity, of which he may be imagined to live, intending to die, in the odour. The typical ascetic saint appears to have entertained a peculiar objection to water. With the exception of holy water, he seems to have been accustomed hardly ever to make use of water, except for drinking purposes, and to have made a point of specially eschewing water in connection with soap. But though the above-named Ultramontane Deputy may never wash himself, the Chancellor has given him a good towelling. THE GREAT TOPIC. THE Transit of Venus was "beautifully observed " THEYATER! DANG YER IMPUDENCE! WHY, I HAD THAT WAISTCOAT MADE O' at Indore. Astronomers in future will place more reliance PURPOSE FOR CATTLE SHOW WEEK!" on Indoor observations. CHRISTMAS CERTAINTIES. THAT the mythical regions of Fairyland will be discovered near the latitudes of Drury Lane and Covent Garden. That many young Gentlemen (from school) will fall hopelessly in love with angels in robes of gold and silver tissue, and wings of muslin. That a very large number of "Diabolical outrages upon the Police" will be perpetrated upon Boxing-night, without attracting the official attention of the Metropolitan Magistrates. That much valuable property-fish, poultry, and vegetableswill be wastefully and recklessly thrown about in many of the London Theatres between the hours of nine and eleven. That many tons of Holly and Mistletoe will travel townwards by the railways. That Turkey, in England, if not in Europe, will be the victim of a widely-extended massacre. That there will be a large number of tiffs and jars during the blessed family gatherings of Christmas-tide. That several thousands of tradesmen will do themselves the honour of enclosing "their little accounts." That some one will try to kill the Waits. That some Dustman. one else will attempt to slaughter the regular That the inmates of the Workhouses will have one good dinner, and one good smoke for once in the year. That too many children will partake too freely of all "the Delicacies of the Season." That the Doctors, and Chemists and Druggists will for the next fortnight have more work to do than they can well manage. And, lastly, that Mr. Punch, with a view to inaugurating for the whole world a happy new year, will end the year with his Almanack, and begin the next with his Sixty-eighth Volume! AN EXAMPLE TO MINERS. HERE is a pleasant little anecdote extracted from a local paper:"A disgusting story comes from Coniston of a miner, named HALL, who was discovered by a policeman worrying a dog with his teeth. The human brute has been fined ten shillings for his cruelty, and ten shillings for being drunk." This beats BRUMMY. The alleged fight between BRUMMY and "PHYSIC" was after all reported as a remarkable, and not an ordinary, occurrence. There was nothing to show that fighting personally with dogs upon equal terms was MR. BRUMMY's habitual employment or recreation. His combat with the dog "PHYSIC" would seem to have been got up for the nonce, so that perhaps it was merely a casual episode in his career. But the account of MR. HALL is that he "was discovered" by a policeman worrying a dog. with his teeth; just as the policeman might have discovered a burglar labouring in his vocation by forcing a door. This looks as if MR. HALL were in the habit of worrying dogs after their own bably very often. MR. HALL may be imagined in that state usually manner, at least whenever he is the worse for liquor, which is procrawling about the streets on all-fours, biting all the dogs that come in his way, and having fights with them in the gutter. What an example to his associates of the debasing effects of drink! Miners should beware of taking too much champagne. ROYAL AND LOYAL STOCK. Ar the great Cattle Show the champion Short-horn Cow was the property of the PRINCE OF WALES. Another feather this in the Prince's cap! SEASONABLE ENTERTAINMENT.-Waits playing Scales. 99 66 train will stop (after the English fashion) that the travellers may partake of vins d'honneur of "wiskey-gins" and "raff-raff." At Calais there will be a grand banquet à l'Anglaise. Prominent among the plats will be the national pièces de résistance, "rosbif, sirloin,' gigots saignants," and the entrées sucrés of “émince-pie," and "plom-puddin." After this the President will conduct his distinguished guests on board the Calais steamboat and bid them farewell. As the vessel starts for Dover, there will be a grand display of fireworks, concluding with a set-piece displaying "Vive le Lor Maire!" in gigantic characters; and not till the steamboat is quite out of sight will the President, after the three "ips" de rigueur, retrace his course to Paris. SEASONABLE ADVERTISEMENTS. the following programme A CERTAIN CURE FOR AGUE may be found in Punch's Almanack; (which has been evidently for the jokes which are contained in it will set the sides so shaking that drawn up by a French- the sufferer will not feel the tremors of his ailment. man with an intimate PPALLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT. — If the Gentleman with knowledge of the manners handsome chestnut Whiskers, who was travelling from Wimbledon to and customs of the Eng-Waterloo on Tuesday morning last, and by a most unlucky accident forgot to lish) will be found to con-order Punch's Almanack at the bookstall before starting, will APPLY for it tain most of the enter- IMMEDIATELY at 85, Fleet Street, he will find himself most HANDSOMELY tainments to be organised REWARDED for his pains. in his Lordship's honour. and when sorrow O'er thy brow its shadow flings, First Great Festival.G, FORGET ME, and or bofrow That which is the best of things: Grand Military Review at Longchamps in honour of Son Altesse Municipale le Lor Maire de Londres. The troops will be commanded as follows during the manœuvres; MARSHAL MACMAHON will direct the infantry, the "Cité-Marshal" will charge with the cavalry, and S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres will be at the head of the artillery. Second Great Festival.-A Grand "Auction-Sale" (as in London) will be held in the Champs Elysées in honour of S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres. Wives will be sold as at "Smeethfeld." One of the " gentelmans" of the Court of S. A. M. le Lor Maire-M. le Town Crière "-will be invited to preside. 66 Third Great Festival.-A Grand Tournament in honour of S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres will be held on the site of the Hippodrome. S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres will be invited to wear his ancient armour, and to take an active part in the combats. The 66 'Cité-Marshal may also be expected to practise the "Boxe Anglaise" with MM. le "Porteur d'Epée" and le CommoneSerjeant." Fourth Great Festival.-A Grand Ball will be given at the Elysée in honour of S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres. The programme will be composed entirely of English dances. The ball will be opened by S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres, who will dance the GRETNA GREEN. INFO MIS ISSING.-An Old Gentleman, dressed in sporting costume, and wearing a bland smile and a gold-rimmed double-eyeglass, Left his Home, on Monday last (to enjoy a few days' pheasant shooting), and is reported by his Friends to have been MISSING ever since. If this should catch his eye, he is earnestly entreated to purchase Funch's Almanack, which is one of the best nerve-tonics ever yet invented, and may be thoroughly relied on to improve defective sight. NO MORE GAS MONOPOLY. - The best substitute for Gas is Punch's brilliant Almanack; every single page whereof is so intensely bright and sparkling, that it will suffice to light up a whole drawing-room, and illuminate a dinner-table more than half-a-dozen burners of sixteencandle gas. THE BEETLE TO THE BUTTERFLY. Come and meet me in the gloaming, while the green is in my eye: When the wild, wild waves are foaming. And the cows begin to cry! Rather a dull look-out, eh, darling? Then, please bring Punch's Almanack, and that will cheer us up a bit. IVES WHO BEAT THEIR HUSBANDS in Kindness and Indulgence, and all the nameless small attentions that tend to make "the Province of Putné." During the evening the " Pas-de-Jig home happy, will not forget, of course, to order Punch's Almanack, which, d'Irelande," and the "Reel des Montagnards Ecossais," will be by promoting wholesome merriment, is certain to contribute to happiness and danced by M. le "Cité-Marshal," assisted by M. le "Town-Crière." The entertainment will be brought to a conclusion by a grand per celebrated "Ilan-Fling," the national dance of the peasants of WIV 66 formance of the world-famous Englis-Naval-ornpipe" by the troupe "des Watermens du Lor Maire." this occasion 5. A. M. le Lor Maire and MM. le Town-Crière" Fifth Great Festival.-State visit to the Grand Opera House. On and le "Commone-Serjeant" will be invited to wear their costumes de gala. S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres will be seated on the right of MARSHAL MACMAHON, who will have M. le "Cité Marshal" on his left. The younger members of the Court of le Lor Maire de Londres will, after the performance, be invited to an orgie foudroyante given by the Committee of the Jockey Club, to the most distinguished members of the French theatrical profession, at the Café Anglais. health. UMPING JEMIMA.-Go to Bath or Jericho, or Jerusalem, if you like. Only get a Punch's Almanack to amuse you on the way.-Yours, old girl, affectionately never, AUGUSTUS ARTHUR. FIVE Friday evening last, while dressing for a dinner-party, a remarkably HUNDRED POUNDS REWARD.-Lost, by a Young Lady, on Good Temper, because her maid was slightly clumsy in combing her back hair. Whoever will prescribe a better cure for a lost temper than Punch's Almanack, shall receive, on application, the above reward. THE MODEL INSECTS. THE following information is extracted from the Post :— Sixth Great Festival.- Grand departure of S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres and his Court from Paris. The younger members of the Court (MM. le Town-Crière" and le" Commone-Serjeant ") will be accompanied to the Railway Station by the Jockey Club and their friends. After bidding them farewell, the Jockey Club will crown M. le "Town-Crière" and his illustrious colleague with wreaths of flowers. A special Guard of Honour will be mounted in the Court-yard of the Railway Station to receive M. le "Cité Marshal" with salvoes of artillery. S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres will ride to the Railway Station on an unbroken "steeples-chaser," clearing several " fands" erected for the occasion on his line of route, and will thus have an opportunity of showing his national skill as a 66 gentelmans ridère." MARSHAL MACMAHON will meet his august guests at the Railway Station, and there will be a grand distribution of decorations. The President will accompany S. A. M. le Lor Maire de Londres to Calais. At every station en route the MOTTO FOR VENUS IN TRANSITU." The observed of all observers. good deal to Entomology, has been lecturing on Bees and Ants at the Mid"BEES AND ANTS.-SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, M.P., who devotes himself a Kent Natural History Society. His details in regard to Bees, the result of prolonged watching, are rather unfavourable to the character of the favourite insects, which he charges especially with selfishness and lack of sympathy with one another.. He found that the warmth or coldness of his body had much to do with their friendliness towards him. As to Ants, his observations entirely confirm the common opinion of their steadiness, perseverance, and industry." We are not, then, forced to give up all faith in both of the insectmodels held up for our imitation by moralists. It appears that we can still believe in our Ants, although the Bee has been discovered to be all hum. SMELFUNGUS ON SKATES. 'Tis true that, should the ice be thin, Your little boy may tumble in; And, if perchance he should be drowned, DUE ELEVATION. COMMENTING on the Dean of the Arches's judgment in the case of Martin v. Mackonochie, a contemporary reassuringly remarks that 66 with regard to class No. 1" of the charges brought against the reverend defendant," SIR R. PHILLIMORE ruled that the charge of undue elevation was not proven." Everybody but the bitterer section of the Nonconformists, and the Teetotal Prohibitionists must surely rejoice to find a Clergyman of the Church of England, whether Ritualist, Broad, or Evangelical acquitted of misconduct so very scandalous as that of undue elevation. At the same time, it is not saying too much to recommend all reverend gentlemen who persist in setting their Bishops at defiance and breaking the law, to keep themselves within the bounds of sobriety. This they will do if they will carefully confine their practice of elevation to endeavouring to elevate their hearers. PLEASANT FOR HIS PA. A MINE OF WEALTH. Anxious Parent. "WELL, ARTHUR, WERE THERE MANY FAULTS IN YOUR LATIN EXERCISE?" of her jewel-cases; but while LORD DUDLEY Anxious Parent. "DID THE LATIN MASTER ASK IF I'D HELPED YOU?" Anxious Parent. "WHY DID YOU SAY PAPA?" LADY DUDLEY has been robbed of one retains his "black diamonds," the loss is not irreparable. PLACE OF RESIDENCE FOR LODGERS. Arthur. "WELL, YOU KNOW-I WASN'T GOING TO EXPOSE YOUR IGNORANCE, MAMMA DEAR!" Border-land. A TRIBUTE TO A VENERABLE FRIEND. "On the 12th instant, MR. JOHN GREEN, late of Evans's Hotel, Covent Garden, aged 73."-Times Obituary Column." our good PADDY GREEN swept the midnight music platform of all its grossness, not at once, that had been impossible, but gradually, what it was, what he was obliged for a while to suffer it to continue, and with perfect and entire success. We of a past generation knew what he made it, and what he left it. Of what an ambitious scheme has made, and into what a new turn of modern taste has transformed, what once was the cosiest, pleasantest, most harmonious, and most truly melodious fire-side in London, 'tis not here the place to speak. For some time past such habitués of the old place as remained dropped in to call on PADDY and hear him talk over old times. Le Roi est mort! Vive le Roi!-this is the rule with crowned heads, but not with our beloved old friend and Gossip PADDY GREEN. There is no one to take his place. It is better so. Long ere this thou hast been welcomed on thy appearance in the Shades by those of thy dear boys who were by thee most loved and cherished. Thou hadst thy full share of domestic trouble and affliction, and didst bear thee bravely before the world. Farewell, JOHN GREEN, late of Evans's Hotel, Covent Garden, aged 73." Requiescat in pace. FAREWELL, poor dear old PADDY GREEN of Evans's! Thy departure from this life below, or rather from that peculiar life of thine beneath the surface of the pavement of Covent Garden, is a source of grief to thousands. How varied was thy knowledge! how marvellous thy store of literary and theatrical anecdotes of bye-gone times! How amusing thou wert, beguiling many an hour of the night with stories of thine own experience. How astonishing thy memory for names and faces! Of all people in the world there was not, there could not be, one like thee for thy place at Evans's. Thou wert "Mine Host" in full swing of generous hospitality. To pay for our chop or kidney, for our glass or glasses was such a pleasure as no payment for any other chop or drink in any other place could ever be. It did not seem like paying a waiter at the door, but like tipping a servant at the house of a friend where you have been most hospitably entertained and cheerfully served. What a Ducal creature thou wert, old friend, with thy princely wealth of snuff for A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR can be all comers, thy warm-hearted pressure of the hand for thy special "Dear boys, dear boys," about whose hearths and homes thou wert, for the nonce, as deeply interested as though thou hadst been one of the family. But thou wert of the Family, of all families, for thy name was famous in all quarters of the globe, and familiar in the ears of those who never had, and never could get near to see thee in thine own court. And, be it remembered to thine honour, that enjoyed by every purchaser of Punch's Pocket Book and Almanack for 1875. N treat for the winter, as a publication not to be sneezed at. TO MORE COLDS OR COUGHS !-Punch's Pocket Book is a real HOW TO SPEND A HAPPY DAY.-Read Punch's Pocket-Book for 1875. |