that? Isn't he a Dogberry? Wouldn't you call him a Justass of the Peace? Think of the authority in me vested' to dissolve the marriage! The old fool thought, as he could marry them, he could unmarry them just as easily. If he could make, he could mar. He is certainly a character, and you shall have more of the beauties of his administration, if you would be pleased to see them." Certainly, let us have more of them-the more the better. If Squire Peters's divorces are good enough for the West, we have not a doubt that emigration will take a fresh start as soon as it is noised abroad in these parts. he was all in a flurry, and hurried on; and just then and there, bang went the yeast-bottle, and the Sergeant thought he was shot for certain. Putting spurs to his horse he dashed on to the nearest house, and called out at the top of his voice: "Help! help here! quick! I'm shot dead as a door; the blood is all running down into my boots!" "The people came out and helped the old fellow down from his horse, and led him-he was too big to be carried-into the house, and at last succeeded in convincing him that Jolly had not fired at him from behind the corner of his house, but he had been wounded by the discharge of his own pocketpistol. It has had a good effect on him. That bottle of yeast has helped him to rise, and he sel A SKETCHY Virginian sends us a brace of anecdotes of his own region, and very good they are: "During a session of the Circuit Court at Lynch-dom goes to the still-house with his jug." burg, an Irishman was indicted for stabbing another on the canal, and the only witness was Den- THE following bit of Scotch "Rhymin' blathnis O'Brien, who was required to enter into bonds er" was first published in a magazine edited by for his appearance at the next Court. The recog-Joseph R. Chandler, Esq., of Philadelphia, in 1819 nizance was read to him in the usual form: and 1820: "You acknowledge yourself indebted to the Commonwealth of Virginia in the sum of $500.' "DENNIS. 'I don't owe her a cint, Sir.' "As soon as the clerk recovered from his amusement at the answer, he explained the meaning of the form, and then read it over again. "DENNIS. 'I tell ye I don't owe her a cint. It's more money nor I ever saw, nor my father before me.' "At this stage of the matter a brother of Dennis interfered, and said: "Ye must jest say it, Dinnis; it's ony one of the forms of the law.* "DENNIS. But I won't. I'm a dacent, honest man, what pays my debts, and I'll spake the thruth, and the divil may drink all my whisky for a month if I say I owe any body a cint. Now chate me if you can.' "Dennis refused to say it, but he promised to come to court and tell all he knew about the mur. der." The other story is still better: "Near the village of Collierstown lives a man well known all over the county as Sergeant Clark. His greatest failing is a love of good liquor, and the liquor is so good that it gets the better of him, and he gets the worse for liquor. He makes frequent horseback trips to a still-house' a few miles off to replenish his jug. And it came to pass that a great two-fisted fellow named Jolly-poor but powerful-waylaid the Sergeant and levied on his liquor, taking not only what he could drink, but filling his own bottle out of the Sergeant's. This was done two or three times, and then Clark screwed up his courage with an extra drink, armed himself with a big stone, and, when Jolly came out to stop him, let drive at the robber, and left him sprawling in the road-not so jolly as he thought to be nearly dead, but not dead drunk at all. Now Jolly was a desperate character, and Clark, when he reached home, was so frightened at the thought of what he had done, and the vengeance Jolly would take, that he became a temperance man for nearly a month, and never went to the still-house during all that time. A long and dreary month it was after the jug was empty. So when he could stand it no longer, he mounted his horse and rode over, got his jug filled, and also a bottle of yeast, which he put into his breeches' pocket, and returned homeward. As he came by Jolly's ADDRESS TO A LAND TORTOISE. Guid mornin', frien', ye`re earlie creepin'! Wi' head erect about ye peepin' Ane steady gait ye alway keep in, Aye sure an' slaw I doubt the time ye tak' to sleep in Your crawlin' pits me aye in mind Wi' thoughts unto the earth inclined Ah! now ye've shut yoursel' up tight; As my queer face. Gang on your gait! I'm no the wight Ablins I might for fun or fame An' whin I met ye, And then-nae ither right I'd claim Ye'll live a hundred years, they say, Whilk gies the snake, your mortal fae, But fare ye weel! I now maun leave ye, Wi' jingling Scotch nae mair I'll deave ye, Aince an' for aye, I freely give ye A lang adieu. THIS is as old as the hills, but, like those venerable objects, worth seeing again: "An eccentric barber opened a shop under the walls of the King's Bench prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared 'Shave for a penny,' with the usual invitation to customers. Over his door was scrawled, 'Here lives Jemmy Wright; Shaves as well as any man in England, "Foote, who loved any thing eccentric, saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, he pulled off his hat, and thrust ing his head through a paper pane into the shop, | Nadir invaded India, he arrived first at Lahore; called out, 'Is Jemmy Wright at home?' The where the Governor immediately surrendered the barber immediately forced his own head through another pane, and replied, 'No, Sir, he has just popped out!' Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea." THE ROMANY RYE abounds in good things, and this "Jockey's Song" is not one of the worst. The jockey was abusing a craven, cheating, contemptible live lord, whose meanness is set off in the song: THE JOCKEY'S SONG. Now list to a ditty both funny and true- Sir Plume, though not liking a bullet at all- Had yet resolution to go to a ball, My lord lieutenant so free and young. Said she, "Sir, to dance I should like very well," They danced to the left, and they danced to the right- And her troth the fair damsel bestowed on the knight, Said she, "Sir, an ice I should like very well," But the ice, when he got it, he instantly ate- He ate up the ice like a prudent young lord- For he saw 'twas the very last ice on the board- "Now when shall we marry?" the gentleman criedMerrily moves the dance along "Sir, get you to Jordan," the damsel replied, My lord lieutenant so free and young. "I never will wed with the pitiful elf”— Merrily moves the dance along "Who ate up the ice which I wanted myself," My lord lieutenant so free and young. "I'd pardon your backing from red Waterloo"Merrily moves the dance along "But I never will wed with a coward and screw," My lord lieutenant so free and young. OUR old friend Bangs was invited by a friend to his house to partake of a julep, of which he was very fond. It was handed to him in a silver goblet lined with gold. After sipping a portion, B. turned to his host, and remarked that it was astonishing what an addition a strawberry gave to the flavor of a julep. His friend replied that he was very sorry that he did not have a strawberry to put in it. "But," said B., "there is certainly one in this." Upon his host's asserting the contrary, he insisted that he saw it distinctly, and drained the goblet to get the berry-when lo and behold, he found that it was only the reflection of his own nose! THE anecdotes related of Nadir Shah are beyond computation. We may be permitted to repeat one or two, which were lately told by one whose grandsire had been a soldier in Nadir's army, and had witnessed the sack and massacre of Delhi. When city to him, and treated him with princely honors. At night, Nadir, whose only couch for months past had been a horse-blanket, with a saddle for a pillow, was conducted to a magnificent bed, with piles of cushions, and twelve young damsels were in attendance to shampoo his limbs and fan him to sleep. Nadir started from his luxurious couch, roared for his secretary, and gave orders that the drums should be beat, and a proclamation made that Nadir had conquered all India. The astonished scribe ventured to hint that the conquest had not yet been accomplished. "No matter," said Nadir; "where the chiefs of the people choose to live in this effeminate manner, it will cost me little trouble to conquer them." And his anticipation was fully verified. A very common salutation to a friend, whom one has not seen for some time, is to welcome him, and assure him "that his place has long been empty." Nadir had ordered a splendid mausoleum to be built for himself at Mush'hed, in Khorassan; and on his return from India he went to see it. The night before he visited his intended restingplace, some unfriendly wag wrote above the spot destined for the grave-" Welcome, conqueror of the world! your place here has long been empty." Nadir offered a reward for the discovery of the writer; but, whoever he was, he took good care to keep incognito. The place was not long empty, for Nadir was assassinated soon after, and here his remains rested till they were dug up and desecrated by Agha Mohammed. A SCHOOL-MATE of the writer was noted for his impromptu translations of the Latin authors while in the recitation-room. Our teacher, the Rev. James M'V, than whom was no better linguist in the country, used to tell his scholars of this brilliant faux pas of our hero, and caution them against the habit of trusting to the occasion for help: "A was translating that beautiful passage from Ovid, in which he describes Neptune rising from the cerulean depths. He was brought up standing at the words 'rorantia barba;' but it was only for a moment. With a knowing look, he rendered it, Neptune rose with a roaring beard! It made the translator immortal." THE same correspondent writes that, "A long time ago, away down-east, the village poet being on a regular bust,' the facetious editor of the Bangtown Banner had to indite the annual Newyear's Address of the little, weazen-faced carrier, who rejoiced in the name of Moses. After inserting his fingers into his hair, and his finger-nails into his head, the editor succeeded in digging out the following classic effusion: From Moses to Moses, The carrier supposes, On all that he knows is!' This should be preserved as a model in brevity and beauty for all future effusions of village bards. THE serious charge of being a musician was brought by a waggish barrister against Nicholas Purcell O'Gorman, who stoutly denied the same. | determined, in good time, to pay off the Judge. A jury was thereupon impanneled to try the defendant, who persisted in pleading "Not guilty" to the indictment for melodious practices. The jury consisted of Con Lyne, under twelve aliases such as "Con of the Seven Bottles," "Con of the Seven Throttles," "Crim Con," and so forth. The prosecutor then proceeded to interrogate the defendant: "By virtue of your oath, Mr. O'Gorman, did you never play on any musical instrument ?" "Never, on my honor!" replied Purcell. "Come, Sir, recollect yourself. By virtue of your oath, did you never play second fiddle to O'Connell?" The fact was too notorious to admit of any defense, and the unanimous jury accordingly returned a verdict of Guilty. "WHOSE child is that ?" asked a loafer, last Fourth of July, of a nice, and rather spruce-looking young man, with yellow whiskers, and a little, blue-eyed, cotton-headed doll of a baby in his arms. "Wa-al, now," says yellow whiskers, with an awful grin, "whose dew you reckin it is? I guess you don't ketch me a toatin' nobody's else's babies. I ain't quite so green as to be a mindin' another man's babies on the Fourth of July!" And baby's papa looked quite self-important, while the very inconsiderate inquirer, whose untimely remark had certainly awakened the sympathies of the crowd in his behalf, took his sudden departure, mortified at his unfortunate blunder. THE following interesting fact is told so well by a Texan correspondent, that we venture to put the entire tale of the snake into our Drawer: "Judge F- was presiding over the District Court of W- County. During a trial in the morning, he very suddenly stopped the proceedings of the court, and called attention to a certain Ben Van-a queer stick of the bar-by ordering the sheriff to fine the said gentleman in the amount of $1. "The cause of this fine was the creaking of Ben's new boots as he was complacently walking the floor outside of the bar. New boots were such a rarity to him that he delighted to hear them announce themselves to himself and the rest of mankind in general. When he heard the fine announced, Ben stopped in the middle of the floor, begged the sheriff to come and take the fine, declaring that he dared not move either way to get out of the room or to carry him the money, for fear the Judge might charge him something to boot! "His merry eye twinkled as he paid up; and he After adjournment for dinner, Ben placed himself at the Court-house door, and made himself exceedingly interesting to the by-standers by relating some of his large stock of droll jokes. Just as Ben expected, the Judge came along, and stopped to listen. 'Yes,' says Ben, that was the queerest instance of snake-fascination that I ever heard of. Did you ever hear of it, Judge?' "Don't know that I ever did,' replied the Judge. 'What was it?' "Why,' says Ben, 'there was a friend of mine out hunting in the woods the other day, with his gun and a fine dog. He observed the dog ahead of him to come very suddenly to a stop-stand fixed, with tail straight out, as if he saw something very unusual. Without moving a peg, the dog stood as if entranced. My friend now advanced cautiously toward him, and saw a great big snake, about four feet long, lying coiled near a stump, with his head slightly raised, and pointed at the dog. Each gazed intently at the other, while neither moved. The dog paid no attention to the repeated calls of my friend. At length it struck him that the dog was charmed by the snake. He had heard of such things, and his curiosity was so great that he determined to try the experiment on himself. He thought over in his mind that he would venture to a certain extent-that he would limit the degree of fascination, so that, if he was losing sight of himself, he could then easily withdraw. So, laying down his gun, he seized the dog by the tail, pulled him away, and took his stand before the snake. The moment their eyes met, there arose the most delightful visions he had ever experienced in his life. The snake's eyes sparkled and varied with more than all the colors of the rainbow. He lost all sight of self-perfectly charmed-held fast, without the power of withdrawal. Diamonds and jewels of every description, blazing in the richest hues, passed before him, his mind utterly lost in a kind of delirium, blend. ing objects and fancies the most beautiful and indescribable. He bent his head nearer and nearer to the snake, in a kind of rapture more pleasing than he had ever before known or conceived. Closer and closer he was drawn by an irresistible power utterly beyond his control, till their heads almost touched.' "The Judge was by this time wrought up to the right point, and stood with open eyes, ears, and mouth, when Ben carelessly inquired how the last case 'had gone,' and received an impatient reply from the Judge. "I expect the jury found it hard to agree?' said Ben. "Don't know,' said the Judge. 'But the man -the man-what became of the man?' "Oh!' said Ben, 'the snake swallowed the man!" JAMES THE FIRST, Soon after his accession te the English throne, was present in a court of justice to observe the pleadings in a case of some consequence. The counsel for the plaintiff having finished, the King was so perfectly satisfied that he exclaimed, ""Tis a plain case!" and was about to leave the court. Being persuaded to stay and hear the other side of the question, the pleaders for the defendant made the case no less plain on their side. On this the monarch arose and departed in a great passion, exclaiming, "They are all rogues alike!" |