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that? Isn't he a Dogberry? Wouldn't you call | he was all in a flurry, and hurried on; and just him a Justass of the Peace? Think of the au- then and there, bang went the yeast-bottle, and thority in me vested' to dissolve the marriage! the Sergeant thought he was shot for certain. PutThe old fool thought, as he could marry them, he ting spurs to his horse he dashed on to the nearest could unmarry them just as easily. If he could house, and called out at the top of his voice : make, he could mar. He is certainly a character, “ • Help! help here! quick! I'm shot dead as and you shall have more of the beauties of his ad- a door ; the blood is all running down into my ministration, if you would be pleased to see them.” boots!'

Certainly, let us have more of them—the more “The people came out and helped the old fellow the better. If Squire Peters's divorces are good down from his horse, and led him/he was too big enough for the West, we have not a doubt that to be carried-into the house, and at last succeeded emigration will take a fresh start as soon as it is in convincing him that Jolly had not fired at him noised abroad in these parts.

from behind the corner of his house, but he had

been wounded by the discharge of his own pocketA SKETCHY Virginian sends us a brace of anec- pistol. It has had a good effect on him. That dotes of his own region, and very good they are: bottle of yeast has helped him to rise, and he sel.

“During a session of the Circuit Court at Lynch- dom goes to the still-house with his jug." burg, an Irishman was indicted for stabbing another on the canal, and the only witness was Den The following bit of Scotch “Rhymin' blathnis O'Brien, who was required to enter into bonds er" was first published in a magazine edited by for his appearance at the next Court. The recog- Joseph R. Chandler, Esq., of Philadelphia, in 1819 nizance was read to him in the usual form:

and 1820: " • You acknowledge yourself indebted to the

ADDRESS TO A LAND TORTOISE. Commonwealth of Virginia in the sum of $500.'

Guid mornin', frien', ye're earlie creepin'! “Dennis. “I don't owe her a cint, Sir.'

Wi' head erect about ye peepin' As soon as the clerk recovered from his amuse

Ane steady gait ye alway keep in, ment at the answer, he explained the meaning of

Aye sure an' slaw the form, and then read it over again.

I doubt the time ye tak' to sleep in "DENNIS. 'I tell ye I don't owe her a cint.

Is unco sma. It's more money nor I ever saw, nor my father be Your crawlin' pits me aye in mind fore me.'

O' tortles o' the human kind At this stage of the matter a brother of Den How mony crawlers do we find nis interfered, and said :

Mang sons o' men, "Ye must jest say it, Dinnis; it's ony one of

Wi' thoughts unto the earth inclined the forms of the law.

Until the en'? “Dexxis. “But I won't. I'm a dacent, honest

Ah! now ye've shut yoursel' up tight; man, what pays my debts, and I'll spake the

I fear ye're in an awsome fright

At seein' sic an unco' sight thruth, and the divil may drink all my whisky for

As my qucer face. a month if I say I owe any body a cint. Now

Gang on your gait! I'm no the wight chate me if you can.'

Wad harm your race. “Dennis refused to say it, but he promised to

Ablins I might for fun or famo come to court and tell all he knew about the mur.

Just carve upon your hard auld wame

The twa initials o' my name, The other story is still better:

An' whin I met ye, “Near the village of Collierstown lives a man And then--nae ither right I'd claim well known all over the county as Sergeant Clark.

Than down to set ye. His greatest failing is a love of good liquor , and Ye'll live a hundred years, they say, the liquor is so good that it gets the better of him,

An' mony & wearie mile ye gae, and he gets the worse for liquor. He makes fre

An' mony a hunder eggs ye lay,

Ye queer auld beast, quent horseback trips to a “still-house' a few miles

Whilk gies the snake, your mortal fac, off to replenish his jug. And it came to pass that

Fu' mony a feast. a great two-fisted fellow named Jolly-poor but

But fare ye weel! I now maun leave ye, powerful-- waylaid the Sergeant and levied on his

I ken my absence winna grieve ye-liquor, taking not only what he could drink, but

Wi' jingling Scotch nae mair I'll deave ye, filling his own bottle out of the Sergeant's. This

An' ithers toowas done two or three times, and then Clark screw Aince an' for aye, I freely give ye ed up his courage with an extra drink, armed him

A lang adicu. self with a big stone, and, when Jolly came out to stop him, let drive at the robber, and left him This is as old as the hills, but, like those vensprawling in the road—not so jolly as he thought erable objects, worth seeing again : to be-nearly dead, but not dead drunk at all. “An eccentric barber opened a shop under the Now Jolly was a desperate character, and Clark, walls of the King's Bench prison. The windows when he reached home, was so frightened at the being broken when he entered it, he mended them thought of what he had done, and the vengeance with paper, on which appeared 'Shave for a penJolly would take, that he became a temperance ny,' with the usual invitation to customers. Over man for nearly a month, and never went to the bis door was scrawled, still-house during all that time. A long and dreary • Here lives Jemmy Wright; month it was after the jug was empty. So when Shaves as well as any man in England, he could stand it no longer, he mounted his horse

Almost-not quite.' and rode over, got his jug filled, and also a bottle “F who loved any ling eccentric, say of yeast, which he put into his breeches' pocket, these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit and returned homeward. As he came by Jolly's from the author, he pulled off his hat, and thrust


ing his head through a paper pane into the shop, | Nadir invaded India, he arrived first at Lahore; called out, “Is Jemmy Wright at home?' The where the Governor immediately surrendered the barber immediately forced his own head through city to him, and treated him with princely honors. another pane, and replied, “No, Sir, he has just At night, Nadir, whose only couch for months past popped out! Foote laughed heartily, and gave had been a horse-blanket, with a saddle for a pilthe man a guinea.”

low, was conducted to a magnificent bed, with piles

of cushions, and twelve young damsels were in atTHE ROMANY RYE abounds in good things, and tendance to shampoo his limbs and fan him to this " Jockey's Song" is not one of the worst. The sleep. Nadir started from his luxurious couch, jockey was abusing a craven, cheating, contempti- roared for his secretary, and gave orders that the ble live lord, whose meanness is set off in the song : drums should be beat, and a proclamation mado

that Nadir had conquered all India. The astonTHE JOCKEY'S SONG.

ished scribe ventured to hint that the conquest had Now list to a ditty both funny and true

not yet been accomplished. “No matter," said Merrily moves the dance along

Nadir; “where the chiefs of the people choose to A ditty that tells of a coward and screw, My lord lieutenant so free and young.

live in this effeminate manner, it will cost me little

trouble to conquer them.” And his anticipation Sir Plume, though not liking a bullet at allMerrily moves the dance along

was fully verified. Had yet resolution to go to a ball,

A very common salutation to a friend, whom My lord lieutenant so free and young.

one has not seen for some time, is to welcome him, "Woulez wous danser, mademoiselle ?"

and assure him “that his place has long been empMerrily moves the dance along

ty." Nadir had ordered a splendid mausoleum to Said she, “Sir, to dance I should like very well," be built for himself at Mush'hed, in Khorassan; My lord lieutenant so free and young.

and on his return from India he went to see it. They danced to the left, and they danced to the right- The night before he visited his intended restingMerrily moves the dance along

| place, some unfriendly wag wrote above the spot And her troth the fair damsel bestowed on the knight, destined for the grave “Welcome, conqueror of My lord lieutenant so free and young.

the world! your place here has long been empty." "Now what shall I fetch you, mademoiselle m'

Nadir offered a reward for the discovery of the Merrily moves the dance along

writer; but, whoever he was, he took good care to Said she, “Sir, an ice I should like very well,"

keep incognito. The place was not long empty, for My lord lieutenant so free and young.

Nadir was assassinated soon after, and here his But the ice, when he got it, he instantly ate

remains rested till they were dug up and desecraMerrily moves the dance along

ted by Agha Mohammed. Although his poor partner was all in a fret, My lord lieutenant so free and young.

A SCHOOL-MATE of the writer was noted for his He ate up the ice like a prudent young lord

impromptu translations of the Latin authors while Merrily moves the dance alongFor he saw 'twas the very last ice on the board

in the recitation-room. Our teacher, the Rev. My lord lieutenant so free and young.

James M'V-, than whom was no better linguist "Now when shall we marry ?" the gentleman cried

in the country, used to tell his scholars of this brillMerrily moves the dance along

iant fuux pas of our hero, and caution them against “Sir, get you to Jordan," the damsel replied,

the habit of trusting to the occasion for help: My lord lieutenant so free and young.

- was translating that beautiful passage "I never will wed with the pitiful elf"

from Ovid, in which he describes Neptune rising Merrily moves the dance along

from the cerulean depths. He was brought up “Who ate up the ice which I wanted myself,"

standing at the words. rorantia barba ;' but it was My lord lieutenant so free and young.

only for a moment. With a knowing look, he ren“I'd pardon your backing from red Waterloo"

dered it, Neptune rose with a 'roaring beard! It Merrily moves the dance along

made the trarslator immortal." “But I never will wed with a coward and screw," My lord lieutenant so free and young.

The same correspondent writes that,

time ago, away down-east, the village poet being Our old friend Bangs was invited by a friend to on a regular bust,' the facetious editor of the his house to partake of a julep, of which he was Bangtown Banner had to indite the annual New

It was handed to him in a silver gob- year's Address of the little, weazen-faced carrier, let lined with gold. After sipping a portion, B. who rejoiced in the name of Moses. After insertturned to his host, and remarked that it was aston- ing his fingers into his hair, and his finger-nails ishing what an addition a strawberry gave to the into his head, the editor succeeded in digging out flavor of a julep. His friend replied that he was the following classic effusion : very sorry that he did not have a strawberry to

• From Moses to Moses,

There was no other Moses. “But," said B., " there is certainly one in this.”

Great Moses reposes Upon his host's asserting the contrary, he in

Beneath Moab's rosessisted that he saw it distinctly, and drained the

And will do so, goblet to get the berry – when lo and behold, he

The carrier supposes,

Until time closes found that it was only the reflection of his own nose!

On all that he knows is!'" Tue anecdotes related of Nadir Shah are beyond This should be preserved as a model in brevity computation. We may be permitted to repeat one and beauty for all future effusions of village bards. or two, which were lately told by one whose grandsiro had been a soldier in Nadir's army, and had The serious charge of being a musician was witnessed the sack and massacre of Delhi. When I brought by a waggish barrister against Nicholas

" A long

very fond.

put in it.

Purcell O'Gorman, who stoutly denied the same. determined, in good time, to pay off the Judge. A jury was thereupon impanneled to try the defend. After adjournment for dinner, Ben placed himself ant, who persisted in pleading “Not guilty" to the at the Court-house door, and made himself exceed. indictment for melodious practices. The jury con- ingly interesting to the by-standers by relating sisted of Con Lyne, under twelve aliases—such as some of his large stock of droll jokes. Just as Ben "Con of the Seven Bottles," "Con of the Seven expected, the Judge came along, and stopped to Throttles,” “ Crim Con," and so forth. The pros- listen. Yes,' says Ben, “that was the queerest ecutor then proceeded to interrogate the defendant: instance of snake-fascination that I ever heard of. “By virtue of your oath, Mr. O'Gorman, did you Did you ever hear of it, Judge?' never play on any musical instrument?” “Ney " • Don't know that I ever did,' replied the Judge. er, on my honor!" replied Purcell. “Come, Sir, What was it?' recollect yourself. By virtue of your oath, did you “Why,' says Ben, 'there was a friend of mine never play second fiddle to O'Connell ?The fact out hunting in the woods the other day, with his was too notorious to admit of any defense, and the gun and a fine dog. He observed the dog ahead unanimous jury accordingly returned a verdict of of him to come very suddenly to a stop-stand Guilty.

fixed, with tail straight out, as if he saw something

very unusual. Without moving a peg, the dog "WHOSE child is that ?” asked a loafer, last stood as if entranced. My friend now advanced Fourth of July, of a nice, and rather spruce-look- cautiously toward him, and saw a great big snake, ing young man, with yellow whiskers, and a little, about four feet long, lying coiled near a stump, blue-eyed, cotton-headed doll of a baby in his arms. with his head slightly raised, and pointed at the

dog. Each gazed intently at the other, while neither moved. The dog paid no attention to the repeated calls of my friend. At length it struck him that the dog was charmed by the snake. He had heard of such things, and his curiosity was so great that he determined to try the experiment on himself. He thought over in his mind that he would venture to a certain extent-that he would limit the degree of fascination, so that, if he was losing sight of himself, he could then easily withdraw. So, laying down his gun, he seized the dog by the tail, pulled him away, and took his stand before the snake. The moment their eyes met, there arose the most delightful visions he had ever experienced in his life. The snake's eyes sparkled and varied with more than all the colors of the rainbow. He lost all sight of self- perfectly charmed-held fast, without the power of with

drawal. Diamonds and jewels of every descrip“Wa-al, now,” says yellow whiskers, with an tion, blazing in the richest hues, passed before him, awful grin, “whose dew you reckin it is? I guess his mind utterly lost in a kind of delirium, blend. you don't ketch me a toatin' nobody's else's babies. ing objects and fancies the most beautiful and inI ain't quite so green as to be a mindin' another describable. He bent his head nearer and nearer man's babies on the Fourth of July !" And baby's to the snake, in a kind of rapture more pleasing papa looked quite self-important, while the very than he had ever before known or conceived. inconsiderate inquirer, whose untimely remark had Closer and closer he was drawn by an irresistible certainly awakened the sympathies of the crowd in power utterly beyond his control, till their beads his behalf, took his sudden departure, mortified at almost touched." his unfortunate blunder.

“The Judge was by this time wrought up to the

right point, and stood with open eyes, ears, and THE following interesting fact is told so well by mouth, when Ben carelessly inquired how the last a Texan correspondent, that we venture to put the case' had gone,' and received an impatient reply entire tale of the snake into our Drawer :

from the Judge. “Judge F- was presiding over the District " " I expect the jury found it hard to agree?' said Court of w County. During a trial in the Ben. morning, he very suddenly stopped the proceedings “Don't know,' said the Judge. But the man of the court, and called attention to a certain Ben —the man--what became of the man?' Van—a queer stick of the bar-by ordering the sher “Oh!' said Ben, 'the snake swallowed the man!" iff to fine the said gentleman in the amount of $1.

“The cause of this fine was the creaking of JAMES THE FIRST, soon after his accession te Ben's new boots as he was complacently walking the English throne, was present in a court of justhe floor outside of the bar. New boots were such tice to observe the pleadings in a case of some cona rarity to him that he delighted to hear them an- sequence. The counsel for the plaintiff having nounce themselves to himself and the rest of man- finished, the King was so perfectly satisfied that kind in general. When he heard the fine an- he exclaimed, " 'Tis a plain case!" and was about nounced, Ben stopped in the middle of the floor, to leave the court. Being persuaded to stay and begged the sheriff to come and take the fine, de- hear the other side of the question, the pleaders for claring that he dared not move either way to get the defendant made the case no less plain on their out of the room or to carry him the money, for fear side. On this the monarch arose and departed in the Judge might charge him something to boot ! a great passion, exclaiming, “They are all rogues

“His merry eye twinkled as he paid up; and he alike !"

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Enables a Man to fill an entire Railway Seat; Thus securing a comfortable Sleep at Night.

Vol. XV.-No. 89.-YY*


Will prevent injury in case of Railway Collisions. Enables one to jump after a Ferry-boat in Safety.


If Lamp-posts will run after a Man when tight,

prevents them from hurting him.

Shows that a man must avoid too much Pressure

when inflating.

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