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Ex. 214.

The Collegian and the Porter.

At Trin. Coll. Cam.-which means, in proper spelling,
Trinity College, Cambridge-there resided
One Harry Dashington--a youth excelling

In all the learning commonly provided
For those who choose that classic station
For finishing their education :

That is he understood computing

The odds at any race or match; Was a dead hand at pigeon-shooting:

Could kick up rows-knock down the watch-
Play truant and the rake at random--

Drink-tie cravats and drive a tandem.
Remonstrance, fine, and rustication,
So far from working reformation,

Seemed but to make his lapses greater;

Till he was warned that next offence
Would have this certain consequence-
Expulsion from his Alma Mater.

One need not be a necromancer

To guess that with so wild a wight,
The next offence occurred next night;
When our Incurable came rolling

Home as the midnight chimes were tolling,
And rang the College bell.-No answer. --
The second peal was vain—the third

Made the street echo its alarum ;

When to his great delight he heard
The sordid Janitor, old Ben,

Rousing and growling in his den.

'Who's there?-I s'pose young Harum-scarum.' "Tis I, my worthy Ben-'tis Harry.'

Ay, so I thought—and there you'll tarry;

"Tis past the hour-the gates are closed-
You know my orders-I shall lose
My place if I undo the door'—
'And I'(young Hopeful interposed)
Shall be expelled if you refuse,
So pr'ythee'-Ben began to snore.—
'I'm wet,' cried Harry, 'to the skin,

Hip hallo! Ben-don't be a ninny;
Beneath the gate I've thrust a guinea,
So tumble out and let me in.'

'Humph!' growled the greedy old curmudgeon, Half overjoyed and half in dudgeon,

'Now you may pass, but make no fuss,
On tiptoe walk and hold your prate.'-
'Look on the stones, old Cerberus,'

Cried Harry as he passed the gate,
'I've dropped a shilling-take the light,
You'll find it just outside-good night.'
Behold the porter in his shirt,

Chiding the rain which never stopped,
Groping and raking in the dirt,
And all without success: but that
Is hardly to be wondered at,

Because no shilling had been dropped;
So he gave o'er the search at last,

Regained the door-and found it fast ;-
With sundry oaths and growls and groans,

He rang once-twice-and thrice; and then, Mingled with giggling heard the tones

Of Harry mimicking old Ben.'Who's there?—-'Tis really a disgrace To ring so loud-I've locked the gateI know my duty-'Tis too lateYou wouldn't have me lose my place.' 'Psha! Mr. Dashington; remember; 'Tis the middle of November.

I'm stripped ;-'tis raining cats and dogs.' 'Hush, hush!' quoth Hal, 'I'm fast asleep ;' And then he snored as loud and deep

As a whole company of hogs.

'But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance
At the same rate I paid myself.'-
'Nay, Master, leave me half the pittance,'
Replied the avaricious elf.

'No: all or none—a full acquittance;
The terms I know are somewhat high;
But you have fixed the price-not I-

I won't take less :-I can't afford it.'

So finding all his haggling vain,
Ben, with a sigh and groan of pain,

Drew out the guinea and restored it.
'Surely you'll give me,' growled th' outwitted
Porter, when again admitted,

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Something, now you've done your joking, For all this trouble, time, and soaking.'

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'Oh, surely-surely,' Harry said

Since, as you urge, I broke your rest,

And you're half drowned and quite undressed,
I'll give you-leave to go to bed.'

Ex. 215.

The Tinker and the Glazier.

Horace Smith.

Since gratitude, 'tis said, is not o'er common,
And friendly acts are pretty near as few;

With high and low, with man, and eke with woman,
With Turk, with Pagan, Christian, and with Jew;
We ought, at least, whene'er we chance to find
Of these rare qualities a slender sample,
To show they may possess the human mind,
And try the boasted influence of example.
Who knows how far the novelty may charm?
At all events, it cannot do much harm.
The tale we give, then, and we need not fear
The moral, if there be one, will appear.

Two thirsty souls met on a sultry day,

One Glazier Dick, the other Tom the Tinker;
Both with light purses, but with spirits gay,
And hard it were to name the sturdiest drinker.
Their ale they quaffed,

And as they swigged the nappy,

They both agreed, 'tis said,

That trade was wondrous dead;

They joked, sung, laughed,

And were completely happy.

Now Dick, the glazier, feels his bosom burn

To do his friend, Tom Tinker, a good turn;
And when the heart to friendship feels inclined,
Occasion seldom loiters long behind.

The kettle gaily singing on the fire,

Gives Dick a hint just to his heart's desire ;

And while to draw more ale the landlord goes,

Dick in the ashes all the water throws;

Then puts the kettle on the fire again,

And at the tinker winks,

As 'trade's success!' he drinks;

Nor doubts the wished success Tom will obtain.
Our landlord ne'er could such a toast withstand,
So giving each kind customer a hand,

His friendship, too, displayed,

And drank 'success to trade !'

But O, how pleasure vanished from his eye,
How long and rueful his round visage grew,
Soon as he saw the kettle's bottom fly;
Solder the only fluid he could view.
He raved, he capered, and he swore,
And cursed the kettle's body o'er and o'er.

Come, come,' says Dick, 'fetch us, my friend, more ale,
All trades, you know, must live;

Let's drink, "May trade with none of us e'er fail,”
The job to Tom, then, give;

And, for the ale he drinks, our lad of metal,

Take my word for it, soon will mend the kettle.'
The landlord yields, but hopes 'tis no offence,
To curse the trade that thrives at his expense.
Tom undertakes the job-to work he goes,
And just concludes it with the evening's close.
Souls so congenial had friends Tom and Dick,
Each might be called a loving brother;
Thought Tom, to serve my friend I know a trick,
And one good turn, in truth, deserves another.
Out now he slily slips,

But not a word he said,

The plot was in his head,
And off he nimbly trips,

Swift to a neighbouring church his way he takes ;
Nor in the dark,

Misses his mark,

But every pane of glass he quickly breaks.

Back as he goes,

His bosom glows

To think how great will be his friend Dick's joy
At getting so much excellent employ :

Returned, he beckoning, draws his friend aside—
Importance in his face;

And to Dick's ear his mouth applied,

Thus briefly states the case:

'I've done your business most complete, my friend:
Each window in the church you've got to mend—
Ingratitude's worst curse my head befall,

If for your sake I have not broke them all.'
Tom with surprise sees Dick turn pale,
Who deeply sighs 'O law!'

Then drops his under jaw,

And all his powers of utterance fail:
At length, friend Dick his speech regained,

And soon the mystery explained,

'You have, indeed, my business done!

And I, as well as you, must run ;
For let me act the best I can,

Tom, Tom, I am a ruined man.

Zounds! zounds! this piece of friendship costs me dear, I always mend church windows-by the year!'

Harrison.

Ex. 216.

Daniel v. Dishclout.

or

We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare; considerandi, considerando, considerandum, and not to be meddled with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expresses itself in true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, genders, except indeed when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then the verdict is always brought in manslaughter. The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. The quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first is the beginning or incipiendum; the second, the uncertainty or dubitandum; the third, delay or puzzliendum; fourthly, replication without endum; and fifthly, monstrum et horrendum; all which are exemplified in the following case of Daniel against Dishclout. Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan; Dishclout pushed him into the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes; and he was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid, the pleadings of which were as follow:-The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant Snuffle. He began, saying, 'My lo'd, since I have the honour to be pitched upon to open this cause to your lo'dship, I shall not impertinently presume to take up any of your lo'ship's time by a roundabout circumlocutory manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any way relating to the matter in hand : I shall, I will, I desire to show what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon. Now, my lo'd, my client being a servant in the same family with Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined that he had a right to the fee-simple of the drippingpan; therefore he made an attempt on the sop with his right hand, which the defendant replevied with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now,

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