Ex. 214. The Collegian and the Porter. At Trin. Coll. Cam.-which means, in proper spelling, In all the learning commonly provided That is he understood computing The odds at any race or match; Was a dead hand at pigeon-shooting: Could kick up rows-knock down the watch- Drink-tie cravats and drive a tandem. Seemed but to make his lapses greater; Till he was warned that next offence One need not be a necromancer To guess that with so wild a wight, Home as the midnight chimes were tolling, Made the street echo its alarum ; When to his great delight he heard Rousing and growling in his den. 'Who's there?-I s'pose young Harum-scarum.' "Tis I, my worthy Ben-'tis Harry.' Ay, so I thought—and there you'll tarry; "Tis past the hour-the gates are closed- Hip hallo! Ben-don't be a ninny; 'Humph!' growled the greedy old curmudgeon, Half overjoyed and half in dudgeon, 'Now you may pass, but make no fuss, Cried Harry as he passed the gate, Chiding the rain which never stopped, Because no shilling had been dropped; Regained the door-and found it fast ;- He rang once-twice-and thrice; and then, Mingled with giggling heard the tones Of Harry mimicking old Ben.'Who's there?—-'Tis really a disgrace To ring so loud-I've locked the gateI know my duty-'Tis too lateYou wouldn't have me lose my place.' 'Psha! Mr. Dashington; remember; 'Tis the middle of November. I'm stripped ;-'tis raining cats and dogs.' 'Hush, hush!' quoth Hal, 'I'm fast asleep ;' And then he snored as loud and deep As a whole company of hogs. 'But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance 'No: all or none—a full acquittance; I won't take less :-I can't afford it.' So finding all his haggling vain, Drew out the guinea and restored it. Something, now you've done your joking, For all this trouble, time, and soaking.' 'Oh, surely-surely,' Harry said Since, as you urge, I broke your rest, And you're half drowned and quite undressed, Ex. 215. The Tinker and the Glazier. Horace Smith. Since gratitude, 'tis said, is not o'er common, With high and low, with man, and eke with woman, Two thirsty souls met on a sultry day, One Glazier Dick, the other Tom the Tinker; And as they swigged the nappy, They both agreed, 'tis said, That trade was wondrous dead; They joked, sung, laughed, And were completely happy. Now Dick, the glazier, feels his bosom burn To do his friend, Tom Tinker, a good turn; The kettle gaily singing on the fire, Gives Dick a hint just to his heart's desire ; And while to draw more ale the landlord goes, Dick in the ashes all the water throws; Then puts the kettle on the fire again, And at the tinker winks, As 'trade's success!' he drinks; Nor doubts the wished success Tom will obtain. His friendship, too, displayed, And drank 'success to trade !' But O, how pleasure vanished from his eye, Come, come,' says Dick, 'fetch us, my friend, more ale, Let's drink, "May trade with none of us e'er fail,” And, for the ale he drinks, our lad of metal, Take my word for it, soon will mend the kettle.' But not a word he said, The plot was in his head, Swift to a neighbouring church his way he takes ; Misses his mark, But every pane of glass he quickly breaks. Back as he goes, His bosom glows To think how great will be his friend Dick's joy Returned, he beckoning, draws his friend aside— And to Dick's ear his mouth applied, Thus briefly states the case: 'I've done your business most complete, my friend: If for your sake I have not broke them all.' Then drops his under jaw, And all his powers of utterance fail: And soon the mystery explained, 'You have, indeed, my business done! And I, as well as you, must run ; Tom, Tom, I am a ruined man. Zounds! zounds! this piece of friendship costs me dear, I always mend church windows-by the year!' Harrison. Ex. 216. Daniel v. Dishclout. or We shall now consider the law, as our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number, according as the statutes declare; considerandi, considerando, considerandum, and not to be meddled with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expresses itself in true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, genders, except indeed when a woman happens accidentally to be slain, then the verdict is always brought in manslaughter. The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. The quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first is the beginning or incipiendum; the second, the uncertainty or dubitandum; the third, delay or puzzliendum; fourthly, replication without endum; and fifthly, monstrum et horrendum; all which are exemplified in the following case of Daniel against Dishclout. Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishclout was cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan; Dishclout pushed him into the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes; and he was advised to bring his action against the cookmaid, the pleadings of which were as follow:-The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant Snuffle. He began, saying, 'My lo'd, since I have the honour to be pitched upon to open this cause to your lo'dship, I shall not impertinently presume to take up any of your lo'ship's time by a roundabout circumlocutory manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any way relating to the matter in hand : I shall, I will, I desire to show what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon. Now, my lo'd, my client being a servant in the same family with Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined that he had a right to the fee-simple of the drippingpan; therefore he made an attempt on the sop with his right hand, which the defendant replevied with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, |