more vat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-totum out of ma pocket.'

'Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My lord, I beg leave to. take an exception to this man's evidence-he does not come into court with clean hands.'

'How de mischief should I, when I have been polishing ma goods all morning?'

'Now, my lord, your lordship is aware that the word teetotum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which mean "keep yourself safe." And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, let the cat out of the bag.

'I vill take ma oash I had no cat in ma bag.'

'My lord, by his own confession he was about to vend a tee-totum. Now, my lord, and gentlemen of the jury, it is my duty to point out to you that a tee-totum is an unlawful machine, made of ivory, with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of gambling! Now, your lordship knows that the Act, commonly known by the name of the "Little-go Act," expressly forbids all games of chance whatever,—whether put, or whist, or marbles, or swabs, or dumps, or chuckfarthing, or tee-totum, or what not. And therefore I do contend that this man's evidence is contra bonos mores, and he is, consequently, non compus testimoniæ.'

'My lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my lord, I presume if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the objection must be fatal.'

Certainly. Order the pig into court.'

Here the pig was produced, and upon examination it was found to have a straight tail, which finished the trial. The learned judge, in summing up the evidence, addressed the jury-Gentlemen of the jury, it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence, for the removal of this objection removes all ground of action; and notwithstanding the ancient statute, which says, "Serium pigum, et boreum pigum, et vendi curlum tailum," there is an irrefragable proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail, and therefore the prisoner must be acquitted.' This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it will be settled about the end of the year 1950.

Smith.

Ex. 219. Speech of Sergeant Buzfuz in the case of Bardell versus Pickwick.

You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen of the jury, that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage, in which the damages are laid at fifteen hundred pounds. The plaintiff, gentlemen, is a widow,-yes, gentlemen, a widow. The late Mr. Bardell, some time before his death, became the father, gentlemen, of a little boy. With this little boy, the only pledge of her departed exciseman, Mrs. Bardell shrunk from the world, and courted the retirement and tranquillity of Goswell Street; and here she placed in her front parlour window a written placard, bearing this inscription: 'Apartments, furnished, for a single gentleman. Enquire within.'

Mrs. Bardell's opinions of the opposite sex, gentlemen, were derived from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualities of her lost husband. She had no fear,—she had no distrust,-all was confidence and reliance. 'Mr. Bardell,' said the widow, 'was a man of honour,-Mr. Bardell was a .nan of his word,-Mr. Bardell was no deceiver, Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself;-to single gentlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for comfort and consolation :-in single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr. Bardell was, when he first won my young and untried affections; to a single gentleman, then, shall my lodgings be let.'

Actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse, (among the best impulses of our imperfect nature, gentlemen,) the lonely and desolate widow dried her tears, furnished her first floor, caught her innocent boy to her maternal bosom, and put the bill up in her parlour window. Did it remain there long? No. The serpent was on the watch; the train was laid; the mine was preparing; the sapper and miner was at work! Before the bill had been in the parlour window three days, three days, gentlemen,—a being, erect upon two legs, and bearing all the outward semblances of a man, and not of a monster, knocked at the door of Mrs. Bardell's house. He enquired within; he took the lodgings; and on the very next day, he entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick,-Pickwick, the defendant.

Of this man I will say little. The subject presents but few attractions; and I, gentlemen, am not the man, nor are you, gentlemen, the men, to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness and of systematic villainy. I say systematic villainy, gentlemen; and when I say systematic

villainy, let me tell the defendant, Pickwick, if he be in court, as I am informed he is, that it would have been more decent in him, more becoming, if he had stopped away. Let me tell him, further, that a counsel, in the discharge of his duty, is neither to be intimidated, nor bullied, nor put down; and that any attempt to do either the one or the other, will recoil on the head of the attempter, be he plaintiff, or be he defendant; be his name Pickwick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or Thompson.

I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years Pickwick continued to reside constantly, and without interruption or intermission, at Mrs. Bardell's house. I shall show you that Mrs. Bardell, during the whole of that time, waited on him, attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen for the washerwoman, when it went abroad, darned, aired, and prepared it for wear when it came home; and, in short, enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you, that on many occasions he gave half-pence, and on some occasions even sixpence, to her little boy. I shall prove to you, that on one occasion, when he returned from the country, he distinctly and in terms offered her marriage; previously, however, taking special care that there should be no witnesses to their solemn contract. And I am in a situation to prove to you, on the testimony of three of his own friends, -most unwilling witnesses, gentlemen,-most unwilling witnesses, that on that morning, he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and soothing her agitation by his caresses and endearments.

And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters have passed between these parties,-letters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eye,-letters that were evidently intended, at the time, by Pickwick, to mislead and delude any third parties into whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first :-' Garraway's, twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. B. Chops and tomato sauce. Yours, Pickwick.' Gentlemen, what does this mean? Chops and tomato sauce! Yours, Pickwick! Chops!-gracious fathers !—and tomato sauce!

Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away by such shallow artifices as these ? The next has no date whatever, which is in itself suspicious. 'Dear Mrs. B.: I shall not be at home to-morrow. Slow coach.' And then follows this very remarkable expression: -'Don't trouble yourself about the warming-pan.' warming-pan! Why, gentlemen, who does trouble himself about a warming-pan? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnestly

The

entreated not to agitate herself about this warming-pan, unless, (as is no doubt the case,) it is a mere covering for hidden fire, -a mere substitute for some endearing word or promise, agreeably to a preconcerted system of correspondence, artfully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his contemplated desertion? And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean? For aught I know, it may be a reference to Pickwick himself, who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow coach during the whole of this transaction, but whose speed will be now very unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon be greased by you.

But enough of this, gentlemen. It is difficult to smile with an aching heart. My client's hopes and prospects are ruined; and it is no figure of speech to say, that her 'occupation is gone' indeed. The bill is down; but there is no tenant. Eligible single gentlemen pass and repass; but there is no invitation for them to enquire within or without. All is gloom and silence in the house: even the voice of the child is hushed; his infant sports are disregarded, when his mother weeps.

But Pickwick, gentlemen,-Pickwick, the ruthless destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell Street, -Pickwick, who has choked up the well, and thrown ashes on the sward,-Pickwick, who comes before you to-day with his heartless tomato sauce and warming-pans,—Pickwick still rears his head with unblushing effrontery, and gazes without a sigh on the ruin he has made? Damages, gentlemen, heavy damages, is the only punishment with which you can visit him, the only recompense you can award to my client. And for those damages she now appeals to an enlightened, a high-minded, a right-feeling, a conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathizing, a contemplative jury of her civilized countrymen !

Dickens.

Ex. 220.

The Bachelor Sale.

I dreamed a dream in the midst of my slumbers,

And as fast as I dreamed, it was coined into numbers;
My thoughts ran along in such beautiful meter,
I'm sure I ne'er saw any poetry sweeter.

It seemed that a law had been recently made,
That a tax on old bachelors' pates should be laid;
And, in order to make them all willing to marry,
The tax was as large as a man could well carry.

The bachelors grumbled, and said 'twas no use,

'Twas cruel injustice and horrid abuse,—

And declared, that to save their own hearts' blood from spilling,

Of such a vile tax they would ne'er pay a shilling.

But the rulers determined their scheme to pursue,
So they set all the bachelors up at vendue.
A crier was sent through the town to and fro,
To rattle his bell and his trumpet to blow,
And to bawl out to all he might meet on his way,
'Ho! forty old bachelors sold here to-day!'
And presently all the old maids of the town,
Each one in her very best bonnet and gown,
From thirty to sixty, fair, plain, red and pale,
Of every description, all flocked to the sale.
The auctioneer, then, in his labour began ;
And called out aloud, as he held up a man,—
'How much for a bachelor? Who wants to buy?'
In a twink, every maiden responded, 'I—I !'
In short, at a highly extravagant price,
The bachelors all were sold off in a trice,

And forty old maidens,-some younger, some older,-
Each lugged an old bachelor home on her shoulder!

Ex. 221.

The Pilgrims and the Peas.

A brace of sinners, for no good,

Were ordered to the Virgin Mary's shrine,

Who at Loretto dwelt, in wax, stone, wood,

Davidson.

And, in a fair white wig, looked wondrous fine. Fifty long miles had these sad rogues to travel,

With something in their shoes much worse than gravel;
In short, their toes, so gentle, to amuse,

The priest had ordered peas into their shoes :
A nostrum famous in old Popish times,
For purifying souls when foul with crimes;
A sort of apostolic salt

That popish priests did for its powers exalt,

For keeping souls of sinners sweet,
Just as our kitchen-salt keeps meat.
The knaves set off on the same day,
Peas in their shoes, to go and pray;

But very different was their speed, I wot.
One of the sinners galloped on,
Light as a bullet from a gun;

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