READ THE SPECTATOR!

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these poor souls with an eye of great commiseration, when I have heard them asking the first man they have met with, whether there was any news stirring? and, by that means, gathering together materials for thinking. These needy persons do not know what to talk of till about twelve o'clock in the morning; for, by that time, they are pretty good judges of the weather, know which way the wind sits, and whether the Dutch mail be come in. As they lie at the mercy of the first man they meet, and are grave or impertinent all the day long, accord10 ing to the notions which they have imbibed in the morning, I would earnestly intreat them not to stir out of their chambers till they have read this paper, and do promise them that I will daily instil into them such sound and wholesome sentiments, as shall have a good effect on their conversation for the ensuing twelve hours.

But there are none to whom this paper will be more useful than to the female world. I have often thought there has not been sufficient pains taken in finding out proper employments and diversions for the fair ones. Their amusements seem con20 trived for them, rather as they are women, than as they are reasonable creatures, and are more adapted to the sex than to the species. The toilet is their great scene of business, and the right adjusting of their hair the principal employment of their lives. The sorting of a suit of ribbons is reckoned a very good morning's work; and if they make an excursion to a mercer's or a toy-shop, so great a fatigue makes them unfit for anything else all the day after. Their more serious occupations are sewing and embroidery, and their greatest drudgery the preparation of jellies and sweet-meats. This, I say, is the state of ordinary women; 30 though I know there are multitudes of those of a more elevated life and conversation, that move in an exalted sphere of knowledge and virtue, that join all the beauties of the mind to the ornaments of dress, and inspire a kind of awe and respect, as well as love, into their male beholders. I hope to increase the number of these by publishing this daily paper, which I shall always endeavour to make an innocent, if not an improving entertainment, and by that means at least divert the minds of my female readers from greater trifles. At the same time, as I would fain give some finishing touches to those which are already the most 40 beautiful pieces of human nature, I shall endeavour to point out

all those imperfections that are the blemishes, as well as those virtues which are the embellishments of the sex. In the mean

while I hope these my gentle readers, who have so much time on their hands, will not grudge throwing away a quarter of an hour in a day on this paper, since they may do it without any hindrance to business.

I know several of my friends and well-wishers are in great pain for me, lest I should not be able to keep up the spirit of a paper which I oblige myself to furnish every day: but to make 10 them easy in this particular, I will promise them faithfully to give it over as soon as I grow dull. This I know will be matter of great raillery to the small wits; who will frequently put me in mind of my promise, desire me to keep my word, assure me that it is high time to give over, with many other little pleasantries of the like nature, which men of a little smart genius cannot forbear throwing out against their best friends, when they have such a handle given them of being witty. But let them remember that I do hereby enter my caveat against this piece of raillery.-C.

No. 46. The Spectator drops a paper of hints, or rough notes, intended to aid in the composition of essays; amusing consequences of the accident; Letters about the Female Conventicler and the Ogling Master.

Non bene junctarum discordia semina rerum.

OVID. Met. I. 9.

The jarring seeds of ill-consorted things.

When I want materials for this paper, it is my custom to go 20 abroad in quest of game; and when I meet any proper subject, I take the first opportunity of setting down an hint of it upon paper. At the same time I look into the letters of my correspondents, and if I find anything suggested in them that may afford matter of speculation, I likewise enter a minute of it in my collection of materials. By this means I frequently carry about me a whole sheetful of hints, that would look like a rhapsody of nonsense to anybody but myself: there is nothing in them but obscurity and confusion, raving and inconsistency. In short, they are my speculations in the first principles, that (like 30 the world in its chaos) are void of all light, distinction, and order.

ROUGH NOTES.

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About a week since there happened to me a very odd accident by reason of one of these my papers of minutes which I had accidentally dropped at Lloyd's coffee-house, where the auctions are usually kept. Before I missed it, there were a cluster of people who had found it, and were diverting themselves with it at one end of the coffee-house: it had raised so much laughter among them before I had observed what they were about, that I had not the courage to own it. The boy of the coffee-house, when they had done with it, carried it about in his hand, asking 10 everybody if they had dropped a written paper; but nobody challenging it, he was ordered by those merry gentlemen who had before perused it, to get up into the auction-pulpit, and read it to the whole room, that if any one would own it, they might. The boy accordingly mounted the pulpit, and with a very audible voice read as follows:

MINUTES.

Sir Roger de Coverley's country-seat-Yes, for I hate long speeches-Query, If a good Christian may be a conjurer— Childermass-day, salt-seller, house-dog, screech-owl, cricketMr. Thomas Inkle of London, in the good ship called the 20 Achilles - Yarico - Ægrescitque medendo - Ghosts - the lady's library-Lion by trade a tailor-Dromedary called BucephalusEquipage the lady's summum bonum-Charles Lillie to be taken notice of Short face a relief to envy—Redundancies in the three professions-King Latinus a recruit-Jew devouring an ham of bacon-Westminster Abbey-Grand Cairo-ProcrastinationApril fools-Blue boars, red lions, hogs in armour-Enter a king and two fidlers solus-Admission into the ugly club-Beauty, how improveable-Families of true and false humour-The parrot's school-mistress-Face half Pict half British-No man to 30 be an hero of a tragedy under six foot-Club of sighers-Letters from flower-pots, elbow-chairs, tapestry-figures, lion, thunder— The bell rings to the puppet-show-Old woman' with a beard married to a smock-faced boy-My next coat to be turned up with blue - Fable of tongs and gridiron — Flower-dyers-The soldier's prayer-Thank ye for nothing, says the galley-pot— Pactolus in stockings, with golden clocks to them-Bamboos, cudgels, drum sticks-Slip of my landlady's eldest daughter-The black mare with a star in her forehead-The barber's pole

G

Will Honeycomb's coat-pocket-Cæsar's behaviour and my own in parallel circumstances-Poem in patch-work-Nulli gravis est percussus Achilles-The female conventicler-The ogle-master.

The reading of this paper made the whole coffee-house very merry; some of them concluded it was written by a madman, and others by somebody that had been taking notes out of the Spectator. One who had the appearance of a very substantial citizen, told us, with several politic winks and nods, that he wished there was no more in the paper than what was expressed 10 in it: that for his part, he looked upon the dromedary, the gridiron, and the barber's pole, to signify something more than what is usually meant by those words; and that he thought the coffeeman could not do better, than to carry the paper to one of the secretaries of state. He further added, that he did not like the name of the outlandish man with the golden clock in his stockings. A young Oxford scholar, who chanced to be with his uncle at the coffee-house, discovered to us who this Pactolus was; and by that means turned the whole scheme of this worthy citizen into ridicule. While they were making their several 20 conjectures upon this innocent paper, I reached out my arm to the boy, as he was coming out of the pulpit, to give it me; which he did accordingly. This drew the eyes of the whole company upon me; but after having cast a cursory glance over it, and shook my head twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it into a kind of match, and lit my pipe with it. My profound silence, together with the steadiness of my countenance, and the gravity of my behaviour during this whole transaction, raised a very loud laugh on all sides of me; but as I had escaped all suspicion of being the author, I was very well satisfied, and 30 applying myself to my pipe and the post-man, took no farther notice of any thing that passed about me.

My reader will find, that I have already made use of above half the contents of the foregoing paper; and will easily suppose, that those subjects which are yet untouched, were such provisions as I had made for his future entertainment. But as I have been unluckily prevented by this accident, I shall only give him the letters which relate to the two last hints. The first of them I should not have published, were I not informed that there is many an husband who suffers very much in his private affairs

A GOSPEL GOSSIP.

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by the indiscreet zeal of such a partner as is hereafter mentioned, to whom I may apply the barbarous inscription quoted by the Bishop of Salisbury in his travels"; Dum nimia pia est, facta est impia: Through too much piety she became impious.

'SIR,

'I am one of those unhappy men that are plagued with a gospel gossip, so common among dissenters (especially Friends). Lectures in the morning, church-meetings at noon, and preparation-sermons at night, take up so much of her time, it is 10 very rare she knows what we have for dinner, unless when the preacher is to be at it. With him come a tribe, all brothers and sisters it seems; while others, really such, are deemed no relations". If at any time I have her company alone, she is a mere sermon popgun, repeating and discharging texts, proofs, and applications, so perpetually, that however weary I may go to bed, the noise in my head will not let me sleep till towards morning. The misery of my case, and great numbers of such sufferers, plead your pity and speedy relief, otherwise I must expect, in a little time, to be lectured, preached, and prayed 20 into want, unless the happiness of being sooner talked to death prevent it.

'I am, &c.,

'R. G.'

The second letter, relating to the ogling-master, runs thus.

'MR. SPECTATOR,

'I am an Irish gentleman, that have travelled many years for my improvement; during which time I have accomplished myself in the whole art of ogling, as it is at present practised in all the polite nations of Europe. Being thus qualified, I intend, 30 by the advice of my friends, to set up for an ogling-master. I teach the church-ogle in the morning, and the playhouse-ogle by candle light. I have also brought over with me a new flying ogle fit for the Ring"; which I teach in the dusk of the evening, or in any hour of the day by darkening one of my windows. I have a manuscript by me called the complete ogler, which I shall be ready to show you upon any occasion. In the mean time, I beg you will publish the substance of this letter in an advertisement, and you will very much oblige,

C.

'Yours,' &c.