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Dicky. I seize you in the king's name, sir. Tom Oh, lord! should this prove some parliameftman now ! Clinch. jun. Speak, you rogue, what are you? Tom. A poor porter, and going of an errand. Dicky. What errand 2 Speak, you rogue. Tom. A fool’s errand, I’m afraid. Clinch. jun. Who sent you? Tom. A beau, sir. Dicky. No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him of his clothes. Clinch. jun. Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini : Oh, my poor jubilee brother | Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I’m heir though. Speak, sir, have you killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I’ll give you half-a-crown. Tom. Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a carrier’s horse once. Clinch.jun. Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you killed him, and we’ll let you go. Tom. Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no harm; besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it again.—Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him. Clinch.jun. Here's your money, sir.—But are you sure you killed him dead? Tom. Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England. Dicky. But are you sure that he's dead in law Tom. Dead in law I can’t tell whether he be dead in law; but lie’s as dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a hammer. Dicky. Then you have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on the head is dead in law. Clinch. jun. But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed 2 Tom. I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary afterwards.
Clinch.jun. Hey! Then I go to the jubilee—Strip, sir, strip. By Jupiter Ammon, strip. Dicky. Ah! don’t swear, sir. [Puts on his Brother’s Clothes. Clinch.jun. Swear, sir! Zoons, ha’n’t I got the estate, sir? Come, sir, now I’m in mourning for my brother. Tom. I hope you’ll let me go now, sir. Clinch.jun. Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour to swear positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may enter upon the estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes.— Hey, call me a coach somebody. Tom. Ay, master, let me go, and I’ll call one immediately. Clinch.jun. No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I’ll go see Angelica. [Eveunt Dicky and ToM.] Now that I’m an elder brother, . I’ll court, and swear, and rant, and rake, and go to the jubilee with the best of them. [Exit.
Enter LADY LUREw ELL and PARLY.
Lur. Are you sure that Vizard had my letter 2 . .
Parly, Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen gave it to him in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he would be punctual to a minute.
Lady L. Thus, most villains, some time or other, are punctual to their ruin: Are all things prepared for his reception ?
Parly. Exactly to your ladyship’s order: the alderman too is just come, dressed and cooked up for Iniquity. Lady L. Then he has got woman’s clothes on: Parly. Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family for your nurse. Lady L. Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell him, I’ll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily. [As PARLY goes to put out the Candles, some- - body knocks,—Music plays without. Lady L. This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with. Parly. Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with. Sir H. [Without..] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs Parly. Play, gentlemen. - [Music plays again.
Enter SIR HARRY.
Lady L. 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry. Sir H. Wheresoever love is, there music is proper. Lady L. But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you here at this hour * Sir H. No tempest, madam, but love, madam. (WiLD AIR taking her by the Hand. Lady L. As pure and white as angels' soft desires. Sir H. Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires. Lady L. [Aside.] If this be a love token, WILDAIR drops a ring, she takes it up.] your mistress's favours hang very loose about you, sir. Sir H. I can’t, justly, madam, pay your trouble of taking it up, by any thing, but desiring you to wear it. Lady L. You gentlemen have the cunningest ways of playing the fool, and are so industrious in your profuseness. Speak seriously, am I beholden to chance or design for this ring 2 2 F
Sir H. To design, upon my honour.—And I hope my design will succeed. [Aside. Lady L. Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry Sir H. With all my heart, madam, so I may be free with you. Lady L. Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour to see you some other time; for at this very minute I have two lovers in the house. Sir H. Then to be as plain, I must be gone this minute, for I must see another mistress within these two hours. Lady L. Frank and free. Sir H. As you with me—Madam, your most humble servant. [Eacit. Lady L. Nothing can disturb his humour. Now for my merchant and Vizard. [Exit, and takes the Candles with her.
Parly. This way, Mr Alderman. Smug. Well, Mrs Parly,–I’m obliged to you for this trouble : here are a couple of shillings for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed; but next time I’ll stcal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring them to you—What are you fumbling about my pockets for 2 Parly. Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, sir, get into this closet, and my lady will wait on you presently. [Puts him into the Closet, runs out, and returns with VizARD. Wizard. Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear auspicious little pilot? Parly. You’re almost in port, sir; my lady’s in the closet, and will come out to you immediately. Wizard. Let me thank thee as I ought. [Kisses her. Parly. Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of shillings, or a couple of kisses 2 [Ea'it PARLY. • Vizard. Propitious darkness guides the lover’s steps; and night, that shadows outward sense, lights up our inward joy. Smug. My nephew’s voice, and certainly possessed with an evil spirit. Vizard. Ha! I hear a voice. Madam my happiness, where are you, madam? Smug. Madam | He takes me for a woman too: I’ll try him.—Where have you left your sanctity, Mr Wizard 2 Wizard. Talk no more of that ungrateful subject— I left it where it has only business, with day-light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the dark. Smug. Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation has some other motive besides pleasure ? Vizard. Yes, madam, the homestest motive in the world interest You must know, madam, that I have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler ; you have seen him, I suppose 2 Smug. Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance with him. Wizard. 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old rogue, that ever died of the gout. Smug. Ah, the young son of a whore! [Aside.] Well, sir, and what of him : Wizard. Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, which I design to purchase as a saint, and spend like agentleman. He got it by cheating, and should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety, I’ll cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement and deed of conveyance Smug. It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows then, ye young dog. [Aside. Wizard. And no sooner he's dead, but I’ll rattle over his grave with a coach and six, to inform his cor vetous ghost how genteelly I spend his money.