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SCHOOL FOR FATHERS;
LIONEL AND CLARISSA.
ACT I. SCENE I.
A Chamber in Colonel Oldboy's House: Colonel OldBoy is discovered at breakfast reading a news-paper; at a little distance from the tea-table sits Jenkins; and on the opposite side, DIANA, who appears playing upon a harpsicord. A Girl attending.
Ah how delightful the morning,
Summer luxuriant adorning
Begrateful to the season,
Kind Nature gives, and Reason
Col. Well said Dy, thank you Dy. This, master Jenkins, is the way I make my daughter entertain me every morning at breakfast. Come here, and kiss me, you slut, come here, and kiss me, you baggage. Dian. Lord, papa, you call one such names Col. A fine girl, master Jenkins, a devilish fine girl! she has got my eye to a twinkle. There's fire for you —spirit"—I design to marry her to a Duke : how much money do you think a Duke would expect with such a wench jen. Why, Colonel, with submission, I think there is no occasion to go out of our own country here; we have never a Duke in it, I believe, but we have many an honest gentleman, who, in my opinion, might deserve the young lady. 23 Col. So, you would have me marry Dy to a country ’squire, eh? How say you to this, Dyl would not you rather be married to a Duke Dian. So my husband’s a rake, papa, I don’t care what he is. Col. A rakes you damned confounded little baggage; why you wou’d not wish to marry a rake, wou’d you ? So her husband is a rake, she does not care what he is! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 32 Dian. Well, but listen to me, papa–When you go out with your gun, do you take any pleasure in shooting the poor tame ducks, and chickens in your yard No, the partridge, the pheasant, the woodcock are the game; there is some sport in bringing them down because they are wild; and it is just the same
with a husband or a lover. I would not waste powder
he shall shortly take orders for a very considerable benefice in the gift of the family, the present incumbent of which is an aged man. 71
Dian. The last time I was at your house, he was teaching Miss Clarissa mathematics and philosophy. Lord, what a strange brain I have I If I was to sit down to distraćt myself with such studies—
Col. Go, hussy, let some of your brother's rascals inform their master that he has been long enough at his toilet; here is a message from Sir John Flowerdale —You a brain for mathematics indeed! We shall have women wanting to head our regiments to-morrow or next day. 8s
Dian. Well, papa, and suppose we did. I believe, in a battle of the sexes, you men would hardly get the better of us.
To rob them of strength, when wise Nature thought fit
Instead of a sword she endu'd them with wit,
Sound, sound the trumpet, both sexes to arms
We quickly shall see whether courage or charms,
Colonel OLD Bo Y, Jen KINs.
Col. Well, master Jenkins ! don't you think now that a Nobleman, a Duke, an Earl, or a Marquis, might be content to share his title I say, you understand me—with a sweetener of thirty or forty thousand pounds, to pay off Mortgages Besides, there’s a prospect of my whole estate; for I dare swear her brother will never have any children. 99 Jen. I should be concerned at that, Colonel, when there are two such fortunes to descend to his heirs, as your's and Sir John Flowerdale’s. Col. Why look you, master Jenkins, Sir John Flowerdale is an honest gentleman; our families are nearly related; we have been neighbours time out of mind; and if he and I have an odd dispute now and then, it is not for want of a cordial esteem at bottom. He is going to marry his daughter to my son ; she is a beautiful girl, an elegant girl, a sensible girl, a worthy girl, and—a word in your ear—damn me if I a'n't very sorry for her. I 11 Jen. Sorry! Colonel Col. Ay—between ourselves, master Jenkins, my son won’t do. jen. How do you mean? Col. I tell you, master Jenkins, he won’t do—he is not the thing, a prig—At sixteen years old, or there