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But a huge Caspian Sea, or Lake
With Arms, which Men for Legs mistake ;
How large a Gulpl his Tail composes,
, And what a goodly Bay his Nose is ; How
many German Leagues by th' Scale Cape-Sugut's from Promontory-Tail. He made a Planetary Gin VVhich Rats would run their own heads in, And come on purpose to be taken, Without th’ Expence of Cheese or Bacon With Lite-strings he would counterfeit Maggots that crawl on Difh of Meat; Quote Moles and Spets on any Place Oth'Body, by the Index Face : Detect loft Maiden-beads, by sneezing, Or breaking wind of Dames, or pisling. Cure Warts and Corns, with application Of Medkines to th' Imagination ; Fright Agues into Dogs, and scare VVith Rhimes the Tooth-ach, and Catarrh. Chase evil Spirits away by dint Of Cickle-Horshoe, Hollow-flint,
Spit Fire out of a Walnut-shell,
Which made the Roman Slaves rebel.
And fire a Mine in China here
With Sympathetick Gun-powder.
He knew whats'ever's to be known,
But much more than he knew would own.
What Med’cine 'twas that Paracelsus
Could make a Man with, as he tells us;
What figur'd Slates are best fo make
On watry Surface Duck or Drake.
VVhat Bowling-stones in running Race
Upon a Board have swistest pace.
VVhether a Pulfe beat in the black
List of a dzpled Louse's Back ;
If Systole or Diastole move
Quickest when he's in Wrath or Love :
VVhen two of them do run a Race,
VVhether they Gallop, Trot, or Pace.
How many Scores a Flea will jump,
Of his own Length from Head to Rump ;
VVhich Socrates and Cherephon
In vain affay'd so long agon ;
Whether his Snout a perfect Nose is,
And not an Elephant's Proboscis;
How many different Species
Of Maggots breed in rotten Cheese ;
And which are next of kiu to those
Engerder'd in a Chander's Nose;
Or those not seen but understood,
That live in Vinegar and Wood:
A paltry Wretcli he had half-starv'd,
That him in place of Zany serv'd;
Hight Wbachum, bred to dash and draw,
Not Wine, but more unwholsome Law :
To make’twixt Words and Lines huge Gaps,
Wide as Meridians in Maps.
To squander Paper, and spare Ink,
Or cheat Men of their Words some think ;
From this by merited Degrees,
He'd to more high Advancement rise:
To be an under-Conjurer,
Or Journey-man Astrologere ;
His bus'ness was to pump and wheedle,
And Men with their own Keys unriddle.
To make them to themselves give Answers,
For which they pay the Necromancers,
To fetch and carry Intelligence,
Of whom, and what, and where, and whence;
And all Discoveries disperse,
Among th’ whole pack of Conjurers ;
What Cut-purses have left with them,
For the right Owners to redeem;
And what they dare not vent, find out,
To gain themselves and tho Art Repute;
Draw Figures, Schemes, and Horoscopes,
Of Newgate, Bridewell, Brokers Shops ;
Of Thieves afcendant in the Cart,
And find out all by Rules of Art.
Which way a Serving-man that's ran
With Cloaths or Money, away is gone ;
Who pick'd a Fob at Holding-forth,
And where a Watch, for half the worth
May be redeem'd, or stollen Platë
Restor'd at Conscionable Rate.
Reside all this, he serv'd his Mifter
In quality of Poetaster :
And Rhimes appropriate could make,
To ev'ry Month i' th’Almanack
When Terms begin and end, could tell,
With their Returns in Doggerel.
When the Exchequer opes and shuts,
And Sowgelder with safety cuts.
When Men may eat and drink their fill,
And when be temp'rate if they will.
When use and when abstain from Vice,
Figs, Grapes, Phlebotomy, and Spice.
And as in Prisons mean Rogues beat
Hemp for the Service of the Great,
So Whachum beat his dirty Brains
T'advance his Master's Fame and Gains ;
And like the Devil's Oracles,
Put into Doggrel-Rhimes his Spells,
Which over ev'ry Month's Blank-page
l' th’ Almaneck ftrange Bilks presage.
He would an Elegy compofe
On Maggots squeez'd out of his Nore;
In Lyrick Numbers write an Ode on
His Mistress, eating a Black-pudden :