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In Friendships; Enmities, and Strife,
And all th' Emergencies of Life :
No sooner does he peep
The World, but he has done his doe,
Catch'd all Diseases, took all Physick
That cures or kills a Man that is fick;
Marry'd his punctual Dose of Wives,
Is Cuckolded, and breaks, or thrives.
There's but the twinkling of a Star
Between a Man of Peace and War;
A Thief and Justice, Fool and Knave,
A huffing Officer and a Slave.
A crafty Lawyer and Pick-pocket,
A great Philosopher and a Block-head;
A formal Preacher and a Player,
A Learn d Physician and Manslayer.
As if Men from the Stars did fuck
Old-Age, Diseases, and IU- luck,
Wit, Folly, Honour, Virtue, Vice,
Trade, Travel, Women, Claps, and Dice z
And draw with the first Air they breath
Battel and Murther, sudden Death.
Are not these fine Commodities,
To be iinported from the Skies,
And vended here amung the Rabble,
For Staple Goods, and warrantable ;
Like Money by the Druids borrow'd,
In t'other Worll to be restor'd ?
Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know
You wrong the Art, and Artists too,
Since Arguments are lost on thosu
That do our Principles oppose ;
I will (although I've don't before)
Deinonstrate to your Sense once more,
And draw a Figure that shall tell you,
What you perhaps forget, befel you,
By way of Horary inspection,
Which some account our worst Erection ;
With that he Circles draws, and Squares,
With Cyphers, Astral Characters;
Then looks 'em o'er to understand 'em,
Although set down Hab-nab, at random.
Quoth he, This Scheme o' th’ Heavens fet, Discovers how in fight you met
At Kingston with a May-Pole-Idol,
And that y' were bang'd both Back and Side
And though you overcame the Bear,
The Dogs beat you at Brentford Fair ;
Where sturdy Butchers broke your Noddle,
And handled you like a Fop-doodle.
Quoth Hudibras, I now perceive
You are no Conj'rer, by your
That Pali'ry Story is untrue,
And forg'd to cheat such Gulls as you.
Not true, Quoth he? how e'er you vapour,
I can what I affirm, make appear;
Whachum shall justifie 't t' your Face,
And prove he was upon the place:
He play'd the Saltinbancho's Part,
Transforin'd t'a Frenchman by my Art;
He stole your Cloak, and pick'd your Pocket,
Chows'd and Caldes d ye like a Blockhead,
lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i’th' House.
Quoth Hudibras, I do believe
That Argument's Demonstrative ;
Ralpho, bear witness, and
A Constable to feize the Wretches;
For tho'th' are both false Knaves and Cheats,
Impostors, Juglers, Counterfeits,
I'll make them ferve for Perpendicolars,
As true as e'er were us’d by Bricklayers ;
They're guilty by their own Confessions,
Of Felony, and at the Seffions
Upon the Bench I will so handle 'ein,
Shall make all Taylors Yards of one
A thing he long has vapour'd'of,
But now shall make it out by Proof.
Quoth Sidroplel, I doʻnot doubt
To find Friends that will bear me out:
Nor have l hazarded' iny Art,
And Neck, fo long on the State's Part.
To be expos’d i' th' End to suffer,
By such a Braggadocio Huffer.
Huffer ! quoth Hudibras, This Sword Shall down thy false Throat cram that Word; Ralpho, make hast, and call an Officer, To apprehend this Stygian Sophister; Mean while I'll hold 'em at a Bay, Left he and Whaclum run away.
But Sidrophel, who from th? Aspesi Of Hudibras did now erect A Figure worse portending far, Than that of most malignant Star, Believ'd it now the fittest Moment To fhun the Danger that might conie on't, While Hudibras was all alone, And he and Wbachum, two to one ; This b’ing resolv'd, He spyd by chance Behind the Door an Iron Lance, That many a sturdy Limb had gord, And Legs, and Loins, and Shoulders bord, He snatch'd it up, and made a Pass, To make his way through Hudibras; Wbachum had got a Fire-Fork, With which he vow'd to do his Work ;