corps Behold! great Haygarth and his 61 60 And tollutate o'er turnpike path. HUDIBRAS, Canto 2. 61 Behold! great Haygarth and his corps. I here wish to give a concise sketch of the Doctor's necromantial process, so well calculated to give the Tractors the kick out of Bath and Bristol, where they were rapidly making the most sacrilegious encroachments on the unpolluted shrine of our profession. I would recommend similar proceedings to every Member of the. College, and every worthy brother who is truly anxious to preserve the dignity and honour of the professional character. But would premise, that, when the like experiments are made, which, I trust, will be very generally by the whole profession, I would particularly recommend that the Doctor's prudence, in not admitting any of the friends of the Tractors at the scene of action, should be strictly imitated; and also his discretion in choosing, as subjects for the experiment, the ignorant and miserable paupers of an infirmary, whose credulity will assist very much in operations of this sort. I also enjoin them to bear in mind his hint, That if any person would repeat the • experiment with wooden tractors, it should be 2 Enter the drear abodes of pain, Like death of old and horrid train! 'done with due solemnity; during the process the 'wonderful cures, said to be performed by the 'tractors, should be particularly related. Without 'these indispensable aids, other trials will not prove so successful as those which are here ' reported.' (Haygarth's book, page 4.) It can scarcely be necessary for me to hint to my discreet brethren, in addition, that should they try the real Tractors afterwards (which, however, I rather advise them not to do at all) the whole of these aids of the mind are to be as strictly avoided. I had like to have forgotten to say, that the means used in the instance which follows, to increase the solemnity of the scene, were a capital display of wigs, canes, stop-watches; and a still more solemn and terrific spectacle, about a score of the brethren. The very commencement serves to show how necessary' was all this display, to insure the success of these wooden Tractors, 'It was often necessary to play the part of a necromancer, to describe circles, squares, triangles, and half the figures in geometry, on the parts affected, with the small end of the (wooden) 'Tractors. During all this time we conversed upon the discoveries of Franklin and Galvani, laying great stress on the power of metallic 'points attracting lightning, and conveying it to 'the earth harmless, To a more curious farce I $ was never witness. We were almost afraid to look each other in the face, lest an involuntary • smile should remove the mask from our coun He comes! he comes! good heaven defend us! With magic rites, and things tremendous! tenances, and dispel the charm.' (Haygarth's book, page 16.) A very ingenious friend of Dr. H. and the glorious cause in which he is engaged, has conceived an improvement on this process. While the above operation is going on, surely, the adroit necromancer would handle his virgula divinitoria with far greater effect, and himself appear much more in character, by using a suitable incantation. The following has therefore been proposed for the general use of the profession. Hocus pocus! up and down! Draw the white right from the crown! Hocus pocus! at a loss! Draw the brazen rod across! Hocus pocus! down and up! Draw them both from foot to top! Lest you should not have sufficient ingenuity to comprehend the object of Dr. Haygarth in producing these operations on the minds of those paupers, by the aid of such means as he employed, I must try to explain it. It was to induce an inference on the part of the public, that if, by any means whatsoever, effects can be produced on the mind of a poor bedridden patient, whether such effect be favourable or unfavourable (as the latter was often the case in Haygarth's experiments) ergo, Perkins's Tractors cure diseases by acting on the mind also, whether on a human or brute L With such as serv'd the witch of Endor To make the powers of hell surrender! Now draws full many a magic circle, Now stamps, and foams, and swears nieherc'le! As old Canidia us'd to mutter once, Just as her Damon gave her utterance! Now tells each trembling bed-rid zany How Franklin kept, to make folks wonder, Thus Shakspeare's Macbeth's wicked witches The old hags almost rais'd the devil! subject. Should any person be so uncivil and unreasonable as to start the objection to this logic, that with the same propriety all medicines might also be supposed to produce their effects, by an action on the mind, I particularly advise (provided such person be a noted coward) that you challenge him or her to a duel: but if, on the contrary, he or she be a terrible Mac Namara And now our tragic-comic actors But if Haygarthian rites infernal If you can find some one among Perhaps the readiest mode would be To kill the conjuring Patentee. 62 like fellow, modestly reply that it was all a joke, and you hope there was no offence. 62 You, who don't value being hung. I trust, gentlemen, you will not startle at my supposing a willingness among some of your honourable body to submit to this operation. You must believe enough of predestination to know that a man who is born to be hung can never be drown'd; and a little serious consideration will therefore shew that, as the event must happen, it might as well be submitted to first as last. |