Diggory carries his hands. They're a little Mar. The usual fate of a large mansion. too stiff, indeed, but that's no great matter. Having first ruined the master by good houseDig. Ay, mind how I hold them: I learned keeping, it at last comes to levy contributions to hold my hands this way when I was upon as an inn. drill for the militia. And so being upon drill- Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be Hard. You must not be so talkative, Dig-taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often gory; you must be all attention to the guests: seen a good sideboard, or a marble chimneyYou must hear us talk, and not think of talk-piece, though not actually put in the bill, ining; you must see us drink, and not think of flame the bill confoundedly. drinking; you must see us eat, and not think Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all of eating. places; the only difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are fleeced and starved.

Dig. By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forwards, ecod he's always wishing for a mouthful himself.

Hast. You have lived pretty much among them. In truth, I have been often surprised Hard. Blockhead! is not a bellyful in the that you who have seen so much of the kitchen as good as a bellyful in the parlour? world, with your natural good sense, and Stay your stomach with that reflection.

Dig. Ecod I thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry.

company.

your many opportunities, could never yet acquire a requisite share of assurance.

I don't

Hast. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience.

Mar. The Englishman's malady: but tell me, George, where could I have learned that Hard. Diggory, you are too talkative. Then assurance you talk of? My life has been if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a chiefly spent in a college or an inn, in segood story at table, you must not all burst clusion from that lovely part of the creation out a laughing, as if you made part of the that chiefly teach men confidence. know that I was ever familiarly acquainted Dig. Then ecod your worship must not with a single woman-except my mother.— tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun- But among females of another class, you room: I can't help laughing at that-he! he! knowhe-for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty years-ha! ha! ha! Hard. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good Mar. They are of us, you know. one. Well, honest Diggory, you may laugh Hast. But in the company of women of at that-but still remember to be attentive. reputation I never saw such an ideot, such Suppose one of the company should call for a trembler; you look for all the world as if a glass of wine, how will you behave? A you wanted an opportunity of stealing out of glass of wine, sir, if you please. [To Diggo- the room. ]-Eh, why don't you move? Dig. Ecod, your worship, I never have to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often courage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld as a lion.

Hard. What, will nobody move?
1 Serv. I'm not to leave this place.
2 Sere. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine.
3 Serv. Nor mine, for sartain.

Dig. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine.

Mar. Why, man, that's because I do want

formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle away at any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a pair of fine eyes has to-tally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit impudence.

Hast. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker

Hard. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests must be starv'd. O you dunces! I Mar. Why, George, I can't say fine things find I must begin all over again.-But don't to them. They freeze, they petrify me. They I hear a coach drive into the yard? To your may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest and give my old friend's son a hearty wel-woman, drest out in all her finery, is the come at the gate. [Exit. most tremendous object of the whole creation. Dig. By the elevens, my place is gone Hast. Ha ha! ha! At this rate, man, how quite out of my head. can you ever expect to marry?

Roger. I know that my place is to be every where.

1 Sero. Where the devil is mine? 2 Serv. My place is to be no where at all; and so l'ze go about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about, as if frighted, different Ways,

Mar. Never, unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be courted by proxy. If indeed, like an eastern bridegroom, one were to be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. But to go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the episode of aunts, grandmothers, cousins, and at last to blurt out the broad start-question, of madam, will you marry me? No, no, that's a strain much above me,

Enter MARLOW and HASTINGS. Hast. After the disapointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts I assure you. of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a very well-looking house; antique, behaving to the lady you are come down to but creditable. visit at the request of your father?

Hast. I pity you; but how do

you intend

Mar. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow Enter Servant, with a Tankard. very low. Answer yes, or no, to all her de- This is Liberty-hall, you know. mands-But for the rest, I don't think I shall Hard. Here's a cup, sir. venture to look in her face till I see my father's again.

Mar. So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let us have just what he pleases.

[Aside.

Hast. I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool a lover. Hard. [Taking the Cup] I hope you'll Mar. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my find it to your mind. I have prepar'd it with chief inducement down was to be instrumental my own hands, and I believe you'll own the in forwarding your happiness, not my own. ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so Miss Neville loves you; the family don't know good as to pledge1) me, sir? Here, Mr. Maryou; as my friend you are sure of a recep-low, here is to our better acquaintance. tion, and let honour do the rest.

Enter HARDCASTLE.

[Drinks, and gives the Cup to Marlow. Mar. A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little. [Aside] Sir, my service to you.

Hard. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is Mr. Marlow? Sir, you're [Drinks, gives the Cup to Hastings. heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, Hast. I see this fellow wants to give us to receive my friends with my back to the his company, and forgets that he's an innkeepfire; I like to give them a hearty reception er, before he has learned to be a gentleman. in the old style at my gate: I like to see [Aside. their horses and trunks taken care of. Mar. From the excellence of your cup, my Mar. [Aside] He has got our names from old friend, I suppose you have a good deal the servants already. [To Mar.] We approve of business in this part of the country. Warm your caution and hospitality, sir. [To Hast.] work, now and then at elections, I suppose. I have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the morning; I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine.

Hard. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house.

Hast. I fancy, George, you're right: the first blow is half the battle.

[Gives the Tankard to Hardcastle. Hard. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there's no business for us that sell ale.

[Gives the Tankard to Hastings. Hast. So then you have no turn for poli

Hard. Mr. Marlow-Mr. Hastings-gentle-tics, I find. men-pray be under no restraint in this house. Hard. Not in the least. There was a time, This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen; you may do indeed, I fretted myself about the mistakes of just as you please here. government, like other people; but finding Mar. Yet, George, if we open the campaign myself every day grow more angry, and the too fiercely at first, we may want ammuni- government growing no better, I left it to tion before it is over. We must show our mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble generalship, by securing, if necessary, a re- my head about who's in or who's out, than treat. I do about John Nokes or Tom Stiles. So my

Hard. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Mar-service to you. low, puts me in mind of the duke of Marl- Hast. So that with eating above stairs and borough, when he went to besiege Denain. drinking below, with receiving your friends He first summoned the garrison. within and amusing them without, you lead

Mar. Ay, and we'll summon your garrison, a good, pleasant, bustling life of i old boy. Hard. I do stir about a good deal, that's Hard. He first summoned the garrison, certain. Half the differences of the parish are which might consist of about five thousand adjusted in this very parlour.

men-

Hast. Marlow, what's a clock.

Hard. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men.

Mar. Five minutes to seven.

Mar. [After drinking] And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall.

Hard. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy.

Mar. Well, this is the first time I ever Hard. Which might consist of about five heard of an innkeeper's philosophy. [Aside. thousand men, well appointed with stores, Hast. So then, like an experienced general, ammunition, and other implements of war. you attack them on every quarter. If you Now, says the duke of Marlborough, to George find their reason manageable, you attack them Brooks that stood next to him-You must have with your philosophy; if you find they have heard of George Brooks-I'll pawn my duke- no reason, you attack them with this. Here's dom, says he, but I take that garrison with- your health, my philosopher. [Drinks. out spilling a drop of blood. SoHard. Good, very good, thank you; ha! Mar. What, my good friend, if you give ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of us a glass of punch in the mean time, it prince Eugene when he fought the Turks at would help us to carry on the siege with the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. vigour.

Hard. Punch, sir! This is the most unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met with. [Aside.

Mar. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will be comfortable.

1) At the time of the conquest, the enmity between the Saxons and Normans was so great, that a Norman did not scruple to stab a Saxon, when drinking or otherwise not on his guard; and to such a degree was this arisen, that the Saxons used, when they wanted to drink in company, to appeal to a countryman to pledge to protect him whilst he was drinking. This custom bas since passed into a sort of toast (an excuse for drinking).

SCENE 1.]

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER.

Hard. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have Mar. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I think it's almost time to talk about supper. nothing you like; but if there be any thing What has your philosophy got in the house you have a particular fancy toMur. Why really, sir, your bill of fare is for supper?

Hard. For supper, sir!-Was ever such so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as a request to a man in his own house! [Aside. good as another. Send us what you please. Mar. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel So much for supper. And now to see that an appetite. I shall make devilish work to- our beds are air'd, and properly taken care of. Hard. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. night in the larder, I promise you. You shall not stir a step.

Hard. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. [Aside] Why really, sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cookmaid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Mar. You do, do you

Mar. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I always look to these things myself.

Hard. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

Mar. You see I'm resolved on it.-A very

Hard. Entirely. By-the-by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for troublesome fellow, as ever I met with. [Aside. Hard. Well, sir, I'm resolv'd at least to supper this moment in the kitchen.

Mar. Then I beg they'll admit me as one attend you. This may be modern modesty, of their privy council. It's a way I have got but I never saw any thing look so like oldWhen travel I always choose to regulate fashioned impudence. my own supper. Let the cook be called. No

[Exeunt Marlow and Hardcastle. Hast. So I find this fellow's civilities begin offence, I hope, sir. Hard. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I to grow troublesome. But who can be angry don't know how, our Bridget, the cookmaid, with those assiduities which are meant to is not very communicative upon these occa- please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss NeShould we send for her, she might ville, by all that's happy!

sions.

scold us all out of the house.

Hast. Let's see the list of the larder then. I ask it as a favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare.

Mar. [To Hardcastle, who looks at them with Surprise] Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too.

Enter Miss NEVILLE.

Miss N. My dear Hastings! To what unespected good fortune, to what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting?

Hust. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn.

Miss N. An inn! sure you mistake! my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce you to think this house an inn?

Hard. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare, for to-night's supper. I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind Hast. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom of my uncle, colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his sup- I came down, and I, have been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, per till be had eaten it. Servant brings on the Bill of Fare, and exit. whom we accidentally met at a house hard Hast. All upon the high ropes! His uncle by, directed us hither. a colonel! we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of peace. But let's

bill of fare.

Miss N. Certainly it must be one of my hear the hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have [Aside. heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha! ha! Hast. He whom your aunt intends for you?

Mar. [Perusing] What's here? For the first course; for the second course; for He of whom I have such just apprehensions? Miss N. You have nothing to fear from him, the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought down the whole joiners' com-I assure you. You'd adore him if you knew pany, or the corporation of Bedford, to eat how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows up such a supper? two or three little things, it too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to think she has clean and comfortable, will do. made a conquest.

Hast. But let's hear it.

You must

Hast. Thou dear dissembler! Mar. [Reading] For the first course; at know, my Constance, I have just seized this the top, a pig and prune sauce. happy opportunity of my friend's visit here Hast. Damn your pig, I say. now fatigued with Mar. And damn your prune sauce, say I. to get admittance into the family. The horses Hard. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are that carried us down are hangry, pig, with prune sauce, is very good the journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and eating. Their impudence confounds me. then, if my dearest girl will trust in her [Aside] Gentlemen, you are my guests, make faithful Hastings, we shall soon be landed in what alterations you please. Is there any France, where even among slaves the laws of thing else you wish to retrench or alter, marriage are respected. Miss N. I have often told you, that, though gentlemen? Mar. Item. A pork pie, a boilet rabbit ready to obey you, I yet should leave my by uncle, and sausages, a florentine, a shaking pudd- little fortune behind with reluctance. ing, and a dish of tiff-taff-taffety cream! greatest part of it was left me Hast. Confound your made dishes! I shall the India Director, and chiefly consists in be as much at a loss in this house, as at a jewels. I have been for some time persuading green and yellow dinner at the French am- my aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The instant they are Bassador's table. I'm for plain eating.

The

put into my possession, you shall find me concerted] I'm glad of your safe arrival, sir ready to make them and myself yours. -I'm told you had some accidents by the Hast. Perish the baubles! Your person is way. all I desire. In the mean time, my friend Mar. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I some. Yes, madam, a good many accidents, know the strange reserve of his temper is but should be sorry, madam-or, rather glad such, that, if abruptly informed of it, he would of any accidents-that are so agreeably coninstantly quit the house before our plan was cluded. Hem!

ripe for execution.

Hast. [To Mar] You never spoke better Miss N. But how shall we keep him in the in your whole life. Keep it up, and I'll indeception? Miss Hardcastle is just returned sure you the victory.

from walking; what if we persuade him Miss H. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You she is come to this house as to an inn? that have seen so much of the finest company, -come this way. [They confer. can find little entertainment in an obscure corner of the country.

Enter MARLOW. Mar. The assiduities of these good people Mar. [Gathering courage] I have lived, tease me beyond bearing. My host seems to indeed, in the world, madam; but I have kept think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so very little company. I have been but an obhe claps not only himself, but his old-fashion'd server upon life, madam, while others were wife on my back. They talk of coming to enjoying it.

sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we Miss H. An observer, like you, upon life, are to run the gauntlet through all the rest were I fear disagreeably employed, since you of the family-What have we got here?- must have had much more to censure than Hast. My dear Charles, let me congratu-to approve.

late you-The most fortunate accident!-Who Mar. Pardon me, madam; I was always do you think has just alighted? willing to be amused. The folly of most people is rather an object of my mirth than uneas

Mar. Cannot guess.

Hast. Our mistresses, boy; miss Hardcastle iness. and miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce Hast. [To Mar.] Bravo, bravo. Never miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance. spoke so well in your whole life. Well! Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marcalled on their return to take fresh horses low are going to be very good company. 1 here. Miss Hardcastle has just stept into the believe our being here will but embarrass the next room, and will be back in an instant. interview.

Wasn't it lucky? eh!

Mar. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We Mar. I have just been mortified enough of like your company of all things. [To Hast.] all conscience, and here comes something to Zounds! George, sure you won't go! How complete my embarrassment. [Aside. can you leave us?

Hast. Vell! but wasn't it the most for- Hast. Our presence will but spoil convertunate thing in the world? sation, so we'll retire to the next room. [To Mar. Oh! yes. Very fortunate a most Mar.] You don't consider, man, that we are joyful encounter-But our dresses, George, to manage a little tête-a-tête of our own. you know, are in disorder--What if we should

[Exeunt.

postpone the happiness till to-morrow?-To- Miss H. [After a Pause] But you have morrow at her own house-it will be every not been wholly an observer, I presume, sir? bit as convenient-and rather more respect- The ladies, I should hope, have employed ful-To-morrow let it be. [Offering to go. some part of your addresses.

Miss N. By no means, sir. Your ceremony Mar. [Relapsing into Timidity] Pardon will displease her. The disorder of your dress me, madam, 1-I-I-as yet have studiedwill show the ardour of your impatience. only-to-deserve them. Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see her.

Miss H. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain them.

Mar. O the devil! how shall I support it? Mar. Perhaps so, madam; but I love to Hem! hem! Hastings, you must not go. You converse only with the more grave and senare to assist me, you know, I shall be con- sible part of the sex- -But I'm afraid I grow foundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take tiresome. courage. Hem!

Miss H. Not at all, sir; there is nothing! Hast. Pshaw, man! 'tis but the first plunge, like so much as grave conversation myself, I and all's over. She's but a woman, you know. could hear it for ever. Indeed I have often Mar. And of all women she that I dread been surprised how a man of sentiment could most to encounter! ever admire those light airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE as returning from walking, a Bonnet, etc.

Mar. It's a disease-of the mind, madam. In the variety of tastes there must be som Hast. [Introducing them] Miss Hardcastle, who, wanting a relish-for-um-a-um. Mr. Marlow. I'm proud of bringing two per- Miss H. I understand you, sir. There must sons together, who only want to know, to be some who, wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they are

esteem each other.

Miss H. [Aside] Now, for meeting my incapable of tasting. modest gentleman with a demure face, and Mar. My meaning, madam; but infinitely quite in his own manner. [After a Pause, better expressed. And I can't help observing in which he appears very uneasy and dis- that in this age of hypocrisy-a

Miss H. Who could ever suppose this fel-manner that has never seen the Pantheon, the low impudent upon some occasions! [Aside] Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places You were going to observe, sirwhere the nobility chiefly resort; all I can do, Mar. I was observing, madam-I protest, is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take madam, I forget what I was going to observe. care to know every tête-a-tête from the ScanMiss H. I vow, and so do I. [Aside] You dalous Magazine, and have all the fashions as were observing, sir, that in this age of hypo- they come out, in a letter from the two Miss crisy, something about hypocrisy, sir. Rickets of Crooked-lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings?

Mar. Yes, madam; in this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon strict inquiry do

not-a-a

Hast. Extremely elegant and degagée, upon my word, madam. Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose.

Mrs. H. I protest I dressed it myself from a print in the Ladies' Memorandum-book for the last year.

Miss H. I understand you perfectly, sir. Mar. 'Egad! and that's more than I do myself. [Aside. Miss H. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few that do not condemn in Hast. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box public what they practise in private, and think at the playhouse, would draw as many gazers. they pay every debt to virtue when they as my lady mayoress at a city ball. praise it. Mrs. H. One must dress a little particular,

Mar. True, madam; those who have most or one may escape in the crowd. virtue in their mouths, have least of it in their bosoms. But I see miss Neville expecting us dam, in any dress. in the next room. I would not intrude for the world.

Hast. But that can never be your case, ma

Miss H. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably entertained in all my life. Pray go on. Mar. Yes, madam. I was--But she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the honcur to attend you.

for me.

[Bowing. Mrs. H. Yet what signifies my dressing when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle? all I can say will not argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald to plaster it over, like my lord Pately, with powder.

Hast. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are none ugly, so among the men there are none old.

Miss H. Well then, I'll follow. Mar. This pretty smooth dialogue has done [Aside. Exit. Miss H. Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such Mrs. H. But what do you think his answer a sober, sentimental interview? I'm certain he was? Why, with his usual gothic vivacity, he scarce look'd me in my face the whole time. said I only wanted him to throw off his wig Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bash- to convert it into a tête for my own wearing. fulness, is pretty well too. He has good sense, Hast. Intolerable! at your age you may but then so buried in his fears, that it fa- wear what you please, and it must become tigues one more than ignorance. If I could you.

teach him a little confidence, it would be do- Mrs. H. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you ing somebody that I know of a piece of ser- take to be the most fashionable age about vice. But who is that somebody?-that, faith, town! is a question I can scarce answer.

[Exit.

Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by
MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS.
Tony. What do you follow me for, cousin
Con? i wonder you're not asham'd to be so
very engaging.

Miss N. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame.

Tony. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg you'll keep your distance; I want no nearer relationship.

Hast. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter.

Mrs. H. Seriously. young for the fashion.

Then I shall be too

Hast. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. For instance, miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as child, a mere maker of samplers.

a

Mrs. H. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all,

Hast. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should pre

[She follows, coquetting him to the back sume?
Scene.

Mrs. H. My son, sir. They are contracted Mrs. H. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you to each other. Observe their little sports. They are very entertaining. There's nothing in the fall in and out ten times a day, as if they world I love to talk of so much as London, were man and wife already. [To them] Well, and the fashions, though I was never there Tony, child, what soft things are you saying myself. to your cousin Constance this evening?

Hast. Never there! you amaze me! from Tony. I have been saying no soft things; your air and manner, I conclude you had but that it's very hard to be followed about been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now James', or Tower-wharf. that's left to myself but the stable. Mrs H. O! sir, you're only pleased to say Mrs. H. Never mind him, Con, my dear. so. We country persons can have no man- He's in another story behind your back. Der at all. I'm in love with the town, and Miss N. There's something generous in my that serves to raise me above some of our cousin's manner. He falls out before faces to neighbouring rustics; but who can have a be forgiven in private.