Phil. I warrant, you think yourself mighty Loo. Yes. honest-ha, ha, ha! [Exeunt Philip and Lovel Kit. Indeed I thought your grace an age Tom. A little honester than you, I hope, in coming. and not brag neither. Kit. Harkye, you Mr. Honesty, saucy Duke. Upon honour, our house is but this don't be moment up.-You have a damn'd vile collection of pictures I observe, above stairs, Kitty Loo. This is worth listening to. [Aside. -Your squire has no taste. Tom. What, madam, you are afraid for your cully, are you? Kit. Cully, sirrah, cully? afraid, sirrah, afraid of what? [Goes up to Tom. Phil. Ay, sir, afraid of what? Kit. No taste? that's impossible, for he has laid out a vast deal of money. Duke. There is not an original picture in the whole collection.-Where could be pick 'em up? [Goes up the other Side. Kit. He employs three or four men to buy Lov. Ay, sir, afraid of what? [Goes up too. for him, and he always pays for originals. Tom. I value none of you-I know your tricks. Phil. What do you know, sirrah? Duke. Donnez-moi votre eau de luce.My head aches confoundedly. [She gives a Smelling-bottle] Kitty, my dear, I hear are going to be married. you Kit. Pardonnez-moi, for that.- Tom. I know that you two are in fee with every tradesman belonging to the house. faith. -And that you, Mr. Clodpole, are in a fair way to be hang'd. Kit. How you rattle, duke!-I am thinking, [Strikes Lovel. my lord, when I had the honour to see you last. Phil. What do you strike the boy for? Loo. It is an honest blow. [Aside. Tom. I'll strike him again.-'Tis such as you that bring a scandal upon us all. Kit. Come, none of your impudence, Tom. Tom. 'Egad, madam, the gentry may well complain, when they get such servants as you Duke. At the play, mademseille.- Kit. Well, give me a good tragedy. [Offers to kiss her. Enter SIR HARRY. in their houses.-There's your good friend,-You are devilish handsome, Kate-kiss me.mother Barter, the old-clothes woman, the greatest thief in town, just now gone out with her apron full of his honour's linen. Kit. Well, sir, and did you never-ha! Sir H. Oh ho, are you thereabouts, my Tom. No, never: I have liv'd with his ho-lord duke? That may do very well by-andnour four years, and never took the value of by that [Snapping his Fingers]-His honour is a prince; gives noble wages, and keeps noble company, and yet you two are not contented, nothing under nobility approaches Kitty, but cheat him wherever you can lay your Sir H. You are so devilish proud of your An fool may be born to a title, Lov. The fellow I thought a rogue is the but only a wise man [Aside. nourable. Kit. Well said, sir Harry, that is good only honest servant in my house. Duke. I hope you make some difference Tom. I scorn that-damn an informer! but between hereditary honours and the hures yet, I hope his honour will find you two out, of a mob. one day or other-That's all. [Exit. Kit. This fellow must be taken care of. Kit. Very smart, my lord—Now, sir Harry.- Phil. I'll do his business for him, when his honours to screen you from debthonour comes to town. Kit. Hold, hold, I shall have some fine, old, noble blood spilt hee.-Ha' done, sir HarrySir H. Not I.-Why he is always valuing himself upon his upper house. Duke. We have dignity. [Slom Sir H. But what becomes of your dignity, if we refuse the supplies? [Quick Kit. Peace, peace-here's lady Bab Enter LADY BAB, in a Chair. Dear lady Bab Lady B. Mrs. Kitty, your servant-l afraid of taking cold, and ordered the chair down stairs. Well, and how do you My lord duke, your servant-and sir Hary too-yours. Duke. Your ladyship's devoted- point of time-Looks on her Watch] But wait on their lordships and their ladyships I got into my fav'rite author. Duke. Yes, I found her ladyship at her studies this morning.-Some wicked poem. Lady B. Oh, you wretch! I never read but one book. Kit. What is your ladyship so fond of? Lady B. Shikspur. Did you never read Shikspur? too. [Aside and exit. Phil. Well, ladies, what say you to a dance, and then to supper? have you had your tea? All. A dance, a dance-No tea, no tea. Phil. Come here-where are all our people? Enter Coachman, Cook, KINGSTON, and CLOE. Kit. Shikspur? Shikspur?-Who wrote it? I'll couple you,-My lord duke will take KitNo, I never read Shikspur. Lady B. Then you have an immense plea Duke. Oh, ma'am ty,-lady Bab will do me the honour of her hand; sir Harry lady Charlotte, coachman and cook, and the two devils will dance together, ha, ha, ha! Duke. With submission, the country dances by-and-by. Lady C. Ay, ay; French dances before supper, and country dances after.-I beg the duke and Mrs. Kitty may give us a minuet. Duke. Dear lady Charlotte, consider my poor gout. Sir Harry will oblige us. [Sir Harry bows. All. Minuet, sir Harry. Minuet, sir Harry. Duke. What minuet would you please to [Bowing. have? Lady C. And, sir Harry-your servant, sir Kit. What minuet?-Let me see-play, Harry. Formally. marshal Thingumbob's minuet. am sorry Sir H. Madam, your servant to hear your ladyship has been ill. Lady C. You must give me leave to doubt the sincerity of that sorrow, sir.- Remember the Park. [4 Minuet by Sir Harry and Kitty; awkward and conceited. They sit down. Phil. We will set the wine on the tablehere is Claret, Burgundy, and Champagne, and a bottle of Tokay for the ladies-there are tickets on every bottle-if any gentleman Sir H. The Park? I'll explain that affair, madam. Lady C. I want none of your explanations. chooses port [Scornfully. Duke. Port?-Tis only fit for a dram. Sir H. Dear lady Charlotte!Kit. Lady Bab, what shall I send you?Lady C. No, sir; I have observ'd your cool- Lady Charlotte, pray be free; the more free, ness of late, and despise you-a trumpery the more welcome, as they say in my counbaronet! try.-The gentlemen will be so good as take Sir H. I see how it is; nothing will satisfy care of themselves. [A pause. you but nobility-that sly dog, the marquis- Duke. Lady Charlotte, hob or nob! Lady C. None of your reflections, sir-the Lady C. Done, my lord-in Burgundy, if marquis is a person of honour, and above in-you please. quiring after a lady's fortune, as you meanly did. Duke. Here's your sweetheart and mine, and the friends of the company. Sir H. I, I, madam?-I scorn such a thing. [They drink. A pause. -I assure you, ruadam, I never that is to Phil. Come, ladies and gentlemen, a bumsay-egad I am confounded. My lord duke, per all round-I have a health for you-Here what shall I say to her.-Pray help me out. [Aside. Duke. Ask her to show her legs-ha, ha, ha! [Aside. Enter PHILIP and LOVEL, loaded with Bottles. Phil. Here, my little peer-here is wine that will ennoble your blood-Both your ladyship's most humble servant. Loo. [Affecting to be drunk] Both your ladyship's most humble servant. Kit. Why, Philip, you have made the boy drunk. Phil. I have made him free of the cellar, ha, ha! Lov. Yes, I am free-1 am very free. Phil. He has had a smack of every sort of wine, from humble port to imperial Tokay. Loc. Yes, I have been drinking kokay. Kit. Go, get you some sleep, child, that you may wait on his lordship by-and-by. Loo. Thank you, madam.—I will certainly is to the amendment of our masters and mistresses. All. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [Loud laugh. A pause. Phil. My lord duke, your toast. Phil. Oh no. All. A song, a song, ay, ay, sir Harry's song-sir Harry's song. Duke. A song to be sure, but first,-preludio-[Kisses Kitty] Pray gentlemen, put it about. [Kissing round; Kingston kisses Cloe heartily. Sir H. See how the devils kiss! Kit. I am really hoarse; but-hem-I must clear up my pipes-hem-this is sir Harry's song; being a new song, entitled and called The Fellow Servant, or All in a Livery. SONG. KITTY. Come here, fellow servant, and listen to me, Chorus. Both high and low in this do agree, 'Tis here fellow servant, And there fellow servant, And all in a livery. See yonder fine spark in embroidery drest, What is he? i'faith, but a servant at best. And the curlpated beau is a slave to himself. Phil. How do you like it, my lord duke? Duke. O very low! very low indeed. Phil. He is very drunk indeed-[Aside]Mrs. Kitty and I had got into a good book, your honour. Free. Ay, ay, they have been well employed, I dare-say, ha, ha, ha! Lov. Come, sit down, Freeman, - lie you there. [Lays his Pistols down] [come a little | unexpectedly, perhaps, Philip Phil. A good servant is never afraid of being caught, sir. Lov. I have some accounts that I must settk. Loo. Yes; to-night-I find myself perfectly Kit. Your honour must not sit here. Kit. You will certainly take cold, sir; the room has not been washed above an hour. Lov. What a cursed lie that is! [Aside. Duke. Philip.-Philip.-Philip Peeping out Phil. Pox take you!-hold your tongue Sir H. That is very conceited. Duke. What is conceited, you scoundrel? Sir H. Scoundrel! you are a rascal- I'l|| pull you by the nose[All rise. Duke. Lookye, friend; don't give yourself airs, and make a disturbance among the ladies minute. -If you are a gentleman, name your weapons. Sir H. Weapons! what you will-pistols-man] Get some wine, Philip-[Exit Phil.] Duke. Done-behind Montague-houseSir H. Done-with seconds— Visitors. Any where, any where-up the chimney if you will. Phil. There-in with you. [They all go into the Pantry. Lov. [Without] Philip-PhilipPhil. Coming, sir,-[Aloud]-Kitty, have you never a good book to be reading of? Kit. Yet; here is one. [Aside. Free. You have just nlck'd them in the very [Aside to Lovel Loo. I find I have-mum-[Aside to Free -Though I must eat something before I drink Kit. In the pantry? Lord, your honour! Free. I could eat a morsel of cold meat. Lov. You shall have it-Here. [Rises] Open the pantry door-I'll be about your board wages! I have treated you often, now you shall treat your master. Kit, If I may be believed, sir, there is not a scrap of any thing in the world in the pantry. [Opposing him. Sir H. [Peeping] Mrs. Kitty, Mrs. Kitty.Kit. Peace, on your life. [-4side. Lov. Kitty, what voice is that? [Sir Harry sneezes. PHILIP brings Wine. Phil. Oh! that is the duke's damn'd rappee. [Aside. Lov. Didn't you hear a noise, Charles? Free. Somebody sneez'd, I thought. Lov. Damn it! there are thieves in the house-I'll be among 'em- [Takes a Pistol. Kit. Lack-a-day, sir, it was only the catthey sometimes sneeze for all the world like a Christian-here Jack, Jack - he has got a cold, sir-puss-puss. Lov. A cold? ihen I'll cure him-here Jack Jack-puss, puss Kit. Your honour won't be so rash — pray, your honour, don't, [Opposing Lov. Stand off-bere, Freeman-here's Phil. 'Egad, this is black Monday with us barrel for business, with a brace of slugs, and Freeman-d -sit down-seem to read your book-Here well prim'd as you see — he is, as drunk as a piper- [They sit down. you five to four-nay, I'll hold you tw one, I hit the cat through the keyhole of that pantry door. Enter LOVEL with Pistols, affecting to be drunk, FEEEMAN following. Lov. Philip, the son of Alexander the Great, where are all my myrmidons?-What the devil makes you up so early this morning? a Free. Try, try; but I think it impossile Lov. I am damn'd good marksman. ! [Cocks the Pistol, and points it at the Paniry-door-Now for it! [A violent shriek. and all is discovered]-Who the devil are all these? One-two-three-four. Phil. Kit. Oh, sir—good sir! Lov. You, madam, may stay here till toPhil. They are particular friends of mine, morrow morning-and there, madam, is the sir. Servants to some noblemen in the neigh- book you lent me, which I beg you'll read "night and morning, before you say your bourhood. Lov. I told you there were thieves in the prayers." house. Kit. I am ruin'd and undone. [Exit. Free. Ha, ha, ha. Loo. But you, sir, for your villany, and Phil. I assure your honour they have been (what I hate worse) your hypocrisy, shall not entertained at our own expense, upon my word. stay a minute longer in this house; and here Kit. Yes, indeed, your honour, if it was the comes an honest man to show you the way last word I had to speak. out-Your keys, sir. [Philip gives the Keys. Enter TOM. Loc. Take up that bottle-[Philip takes up a Bottle with a Ticket to it, and is going off]-bring it back-Do you usually entertain-Tom, I respect and value you-you are an your company with Tokay, monsieur? honest servant, and shall never want encouragePhil. I, sir, treat with wine! ment be so good, Tom, as to see that Lov. O yes, "from humble port to imperial gentleman out of my house [Points to Philip] Tokay," too. [Mimicking himself. Phil. How! Jemmy, my master! Kit. Jemmy! the devil! -and then take charge of the cellar and plate. Phil. Your honour is at present in liquor -but in the morning, when your honour is as I say.— recovered, I will set all to rights again. Lov. [Changing his Countenance, and turning his Wig] We'll set all to rights now -There, I am sober, at your service-what have you to say, Philip? [Philip starts] You may well start-Go, get out of my sight. Duke. Sir-I have not the honour to be known to you, but I have the honour to serve bis grace the duke of— Phil. What a cursed fool have I been? [Exeunt Servants. Loo. Well, Charles, I must thank you for my frolic-it has been a wholesome one to me-have I done right? Free. Entirely-no judge could have determined better-as you punished the bad, it was but justice to reward the good. Lov. A faithful servant is a worthy character. Free. And can never receive too much encouragement. Lov. Right. Lov. And the impudent familiarity to assume his title your grace will give me leave to tell you, "that is the door"-and if ever you enter there again, I assure you, my lord duke, Free. You have made Tom very happy. I will break every bone in your grace's skin Lov. And I intend to make your Robert so -be gone-I beg their ladyships' pardon, per-too-every honest servant should be made haps they cannot go without chairs-Ha, ha, ha! happy. Free. Ha, ha, ha! [Sir Harry steals off. Free. But what an insufferable piece of as[Exit. surance is it in some of these fellows to affect and imitate their master's manners. Duke. Low bred fellows! Lady C. I thought how this visit would turn out. [Exit. Lady B. They are downright Hottenpots. [Exit. Phil. Kit. I hope your honour will not take away our bread. Lov. "Five hundred pounds will set you up in a chocolate-house-you'll shine in the bar, madam”—I have been an eye-witness of your roguery, extravagance, and ingratitude. Lov. What manners must those be which they can imitate? Free. True. Lov. If persons of rank would act up to their standard, it would be impossible that their servants could ape them-but when they affect every thing that is ridiculous, it will be in the power of any low creature to follow their example. BON TON: OR, HIGH LIFE ABOVE STAIRS. THIS agreeable after-piece, which abounds with pleasantry and possesses an excellent moral, is an additional proof of Mr. Garrick's useful talents, and always commands a well-deserved applause.-"This is a well-timed satirical piece, in which the profligate fashions of the age, imported from France and Italy, and greedily swallowed by the high-born fools of London, are well contrasted with the plain downright manners of an honest country gentleman, who, by an accidental visit to the metropolis, discovers a most shocking metamorphosis in the morals of both sexes, and more especially exemplified among his own relations. Enter LADY MINIKIN and MISS TITTUP. Lady M. It is not, my dear, that I have the least regard for my lord; I had no love for him before I married him, and, you know, matrimony is no breeder of affection; but it hurts my pride, that he should neglect me, and run after other women. Miss T. He is a very handsome man. Lady M. He is a lord, and a little goes a great way. Miss T. He has great good nature. Miss T. And then his fortune, you'll allowLady M. Was a great one-but he games, and if fairly, he's undone; if not, he deserves Miss T. Ha, ha, ha! how can you be so by-to be hanged-and so, exit my Lord Minikin— pocritical, Lady Minikin, as to pretend to un- and now, let your wise uncle, and my good easiness at such trifles! but pray have you cousin, Sir John Trotley, baronet, enter: where made any new discoveries of my lord's gal-is he, pray? lantry? Miss T. In his own room, I suppose, readLady M. New discoveries! why, I saw him ing pamphlets, and newspapers, against the myself yesterday morning in a hackney-coach, enormities of the times; if he stays here a with a minx in a pink cardinal; you shall ab-week longer, notwithstanding my expectations solutely burn yours, Tittup, for I shall never from him, I shall certainly affront him. bear to see one of that colour again. Miss T. Sure she does not suspect me! [Aside] And where was your ladyship, pray, when you saw him? Lady M. Taking the air with Colonel Tivy in his vis-a-vis. Lady M. I am a great favourite, but it is impossible much longer to act up to his very righteous ideas of things;-isn't it pleasant to hear him abuse every body, and every thing, and yet always finishing with a-you'll excuse me, cousin? ha, ha, ha! Miss T. But, my dear Lady Minikin, how Miss T. What do you think the Goth said can you be so angry that my lord was hurting to me yesterday? one of the knots of his tye your pride, as you call it, in the hackney- hanging down his left shoulder, and his fringed coach, when you had him so much in your cravat nicely twisted down his breast, and power, in the vis-a-vis? thrust through his gold button-hole, which Lady M. What, with my lord's friend, and looked exactly like my little Barbet's head my friend's lover! [Takes her by the Hand] in his gold collar-"Niece Tittup," cries be, O fie, Tittup! drawing himself up, "I protest against this Miss T. Pooh, pooh, love and friendship manner of conducting yourself, both at home are very fine names to be sure, but they are and abroad." What are your objections, Sir mere visiting acquaintance; we know their John? answered I, a little pertly. "Various names indeed, talk of 'em sometimes, and let and manifold," replied he; "I have no time 'em knock at our doors, but we never let 'em to enumerate particulars now, but I will venin, you know. [Looking roguishly at her. ture to prophesy, if you keep whirling round Lady M. I vow, Tittup, you are extremely in the vortex of Pantheons, Operas, Festinos, polite. Coteries, Masquerades, and all the Devilades Miss T. I am extremely indifferent in these in this town, your head will be giddy, down affairs, thanks to my education. We must you will fall, lose the name of Lucretia, and marry, you know, because other people of be called nothing but Tittup ever after-you'll fashion marry; but I shonld think very meanly excuse me, cousin!"-and so he left me. of myself, if, after I was married, I should feel the least concern at all about my husband. Lady M. O, the barbarian! Enter GYMP. Gymp. A card, your ladyship, from Mrs. Pewitt. Lady M. I hate to praise myself, and yet I may with truth aver, that no woman of quality ever had, can have. or will have, so con- Lady M. Poor Pewitt! if she can be but summate a contempt for her lord, as I have seen at public places, with a woman of quality, for my most honourable and puissant Earl of she's the happiest of plebeians. Minikin, Viscount Periwinkle, and Baron Tit[Reads the card. mouse- -ha, ha, ha! "Mrs. Pewitt's respects to lady Minikin, Miss T. But is it not strange, Lady Minikin, and Miss Tittup; hopes to have the pleathat merely his being your husband, should sure of attending them to Lady Filligree's create such indifference; for certainly, in every ball this evening. Lady Daisey sees masks" other eye, his lordship has great accomplish- We'll certainly attend her-Gymp, put some message cards upon my toilet, I'll send a Lady M. Accomplishments! thy head is cer- answer immediately; and tell one of my foottainly turned; if you know any of 'em, pray men, that he must make some visits for me let's have 'em; they are a novelty, and will to-day again, and send me a list of those be made yesterday: he must be sure to call at Miss T. Imprimis, he is a man of quality. Lady Pettitoes, and if she should unluckily be Lady M. Which, to be sure includes all the at home, he must say that he came to inquire cardinal virtues-poor girl! go on! after her sprained ancle. ments? amuse me. |