Sir Anth. Objection!-Let him object if he dare! -No, no, Mrs. Malaprop; Jack knows, that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was always very simple-in his younger days, 'twas, 'Jack, do this,'-if he demurred, I knocked him down; and, if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the

room.

Mrs. M. Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience!-Nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; and I hope you will represent her to the Captain as an object not altogether illegible.

Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. I must leave you, and, let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girltake my advice, keep a tight hand-if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and, if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. [Exit.

Mrs. M. Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition-she has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Sure, Lucy can't have betray'd me!-No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her confess it. Lucy! Lucy! [Calls.] Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.

Enter LUCY.

Lucy. Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs. M. Yes, girl. Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

Lucy. No indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs. M. You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned

Lucy. O gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out! Mrs. M.Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on. Lucy. No ma'am.

Mrs. M. So, come to me presently, and I'll give

you another letter to Sir Lucius-but mind, Lucy, if ever you betray what you are entrusted with (unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality. [Exit.

Lucy. Ha! ha! ha! So, my dear simplicity, let me give you a little respite; (Altering her manner)—let girls in my station be as fond as they please of being expert and knowing in their trust, commend me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it!-Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately: [Looks at a paper. 'For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away with an ensign! in money. sundry times, twelve pound twelve-gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c. &c. numberless. From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a half. Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her'— when I found matters were likely to be discovered'two guineas and a French shawl. Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters'—which I never delivered, two guineas and a pair of buckles. Item, from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket pieces, and a silver squff box!'-Well done, simplicity! yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for, though not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings of a genleman to the necessities of his fortune.

ACT II.

[Exit.

SCENE I. Captain Absolute's Lodgings.

Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.

Fug. Sir, while I was there, Sir Anthony came in ; 1 told him you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you.

Capt. A. And what did he say on hearing I was at Bath?

Fag. Sir, in my life, I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished?

Capt. A. Well, sir, and what did you say?

Fag. O, I lied, sir-I forgot the precise lie, but, you may depend on't he got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath, in order that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir, very curious indeed.

Capt. A. You have said nothing to them?

Fag. O, not a word, sir-not a word. Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)

Capt. A. 'S death!-you rascal! you have not trusted him?

Fag. Oh, no, sir,-no-no-not a syllable, upon my veracity!-He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir-devilish sly!-My master (said I), honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors), is come to Bath to recruit-yes, sir-I said to recruit—and whether for men, money, or consitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else. Capt. A. Well-recruit will do-let it be so

Fag. Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly;-indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billard markers.

Capt. A. You blockhead, never say more than is

necessary.

Fag. beg pardon, sir-I beg pardon. But, with submission, a lie is nothing unless well supported. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie, I always forge endorsements as well as the bill.

Capt. A. Well, take care you don't hurt your credit by offering too much security. Is Mr. Faukland returned?

Fag. He is above, sir, changing his dress.

Capt. A. Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's arrival?

Fug. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he

came in, but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol. I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down→→→ Capt. A. Go, tell him I am here.

Fag. Yes, sir-[Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

Capt. A. Well, well.

Fag. And in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the chairman and waiters, I shall esteem it as an obligation ;-for though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be found out. [Exit.

Capt. A. Now for my whimsical friend :-If he does not know that his mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before 1 tell him

Enter FAG.

Fag. Mr. Faulkland, sir.

[Exit.

Re-enter FAG, introduces Mr. FAULKLAND, and exit. Capt. A. Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again: you are punctual in your return.

Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain me when I had finished the business I went on. Well, wat news since I left you? How stand matters between you and Lydia? Capt. A. 'Faith, much as they were.

Faulk. Nay, then, you trifle too long-if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt, in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

Capt. A. Softly, Softly, for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensing Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side. Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the hotel?

Faulk. Indeed, I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

Capt. A. By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover!-Do love like a man.

Faulk Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but, losing, you could stake and throw again; but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed were to be stripped of all. Capt. A. But, for heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present?

Faulk. What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens! are there not a thousand? I fear for her spirits her health-her life-O! Jack, when delicate and feeling souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension !

Capt. A. Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not. So then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well, and in spirits, you would be entirely content?

Faulk, I should be happy beyond measure-I am anxious only for that.

Capt. A. Then cure your anxiety at once-Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this moment in Bath.

Faulk. Nay, Jack-don't trifle with me.

Capt. A. She is arrived here with my father, within this hour.

Faulk. Can you be serious?

Capt. A. I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden whim of this kind.Seriously then, it is as I tell you, upon my honour. Faulk. My dear Jack-now nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

Enter FAG.

Fag. Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below.

Capt A. Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her. Fag, shew the gentleman up. [Exit FAG.