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Moses. Yes, sir.
Charles S. Set chairs, Trip--sit down, Mr. Premium-glasses, Trip-sit down, Moses. Come, Mr. Premium, I'll give you a sentiment; here's Success to usury!—Moses, fill the gentleman a bumper.
Moses. Success to usury!
Care. Right, Moses-usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed.
Sir O. Then-Here's all the success it deserves.
Care. (Rising, and coming forward.] No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
Sir H. A pint bumper, at least. Moses. O pray, sir, consider-Mr. Premium's a gentleman.
Care. And therefore loves good wine.
Sir H. Give Moses a quart glass—this is muliny, and a high contempt for the chair.
Charles S. No, hang it, you shan't! Mr. Premium's a stranger.
Care. Plague on 'em then if they won't drink, we'll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room-Charles, you'll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?
Charles S. I will! I will! [Exeunt all the Gentlemen.] Careless!
Care. [Returning.] Well!
Care. 0, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all the same to me. [Exit.
Moses. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is
Charles S. Pshaw! have done.—Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression : he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this : I am an extravagant young fellow, who want money to borrow-you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who has got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to
give fifty per cent., sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony.
Sir 0. Exceeding frank, upon my word.—1 see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments.
Charles S. Oh no, sir ; plain dealing in business I always think best.
Sir O. Sir, I like you the better for it--however, you are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog; isn't he, Moses? And must sellstock to accommodate you—mustn't he, Moses?
Moses. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles S. Right. People that speak truth generally do: but these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't.
Sir O. Well—but what security could you give ? You have no land, I suppose ?
Charles S. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough-pots out of the window !
Sir O. Nor any stock, I presume ?
Charles S. Nothing but live stock—and that's only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connexions?
Sir O. Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles S. Then you must know that I have a dev'lish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations.
Sir O. That you have a wealthy uncle I have heard; but how your expectations will turn ont, is more, I believe than you can tell.
Charles S. O no!-there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious favorite, and that he talks of leaving me every thing.
Sir O. Indeed ! this is the first time I've heard of it.
Charles S. Yes, yes, 'tis just so—Moses knows 'tis true, don't you, Moses?
Sir 0. Egad, they'll persuade me presently l'm in Bengal
f Aside. Charles S. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if 'tis agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time, the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear any thing had happened to him.
Sir O. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me—for I might live to a hundred, and never see the principal.
Charles S. O, yes, you would—the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir O. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your
life. Charles S. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life?
Sir O. No, indeed, I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles S. There again, now you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver! Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm toldand is so much altered lately, that his nearest relations would not know him!
Sir O. No! ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately, that his nearest relations would not know him! ha! ha! ha! egad-Ha! ha! ha!
Charles S. Ha! ha!-you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
Sir O. No, no, I'm not.
Charles S. Yes, yes, you are-ha! ha! ha!-You know that mends
chance. Sir O. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over ?-nay, some say he is actually arrived ?
Charles S. Pshaw! Sure I must know better than you whether he's come or not. No, no; rely on't, he's at this moment at Calcuttaisn't he, Moses?
Moses. O yes, certainly.
Sir 0. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authorityhav’n't I Moses? Moses. Yes, most undoubted!
Sir O. But, sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately—is there nothing you could dispose of?
Charles S. How do you mean?
Sir O. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate ?
Charles S. O Lud!-that's gone long ago.-Moses can tell you how, better than I can.
Sir O. Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation bowls. [A side.]—Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and complete.
Charles S. Yes, yes, so it was—vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
Sir 0. Mercy upon me! Learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom! [Aside.] Pray, what are become of the books?
Charles S. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe even Moses can
Moses. I know nothing of books.
Sir O. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
Charles S. Not much indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a roomful of ancestors above, and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain.
Sir O. Hey! what the devil! Sure, you wouldn't sell your forefathers, would you?
Charles S. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Charles S. Ay, and my great grandfathers and grandmothers too.
Sir O. Now I give him up.[ Aside.]What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life, do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Charles S. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry; what need you care if you have your money's worth?
Sir O. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvass.-Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!
[Aside. Enter CARELESS. Care. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Charles S. I can't come yet: i'faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors.
Care. O, burn your ancestors!
Charks S. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you : egad, you shall be auctioneer; so come along with us.
Care. Oh, have with you, ifthat's the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going! Sir O. Oh, the profligates!
[Aside, Charles S. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
Sir 0. O yes, I do vastly. Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auctionha! ha!-0 the prodigal!
[Aside. Charles S. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, ir he can't make free with his own relations? Sir O. l'll never forgive him; never! never!
[Exeunt. ACT IV. SCENEI.-Picture Room at Charles's-Large Chair
Family Pedigree hanging up in the Wing.
Moses, and CARELESS.