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commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest. I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you ,I'll unget you ! and den me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit.
Capt. A. Mild, gentle, considerate father! I kiss
Fug. Assuredly, sir, your father is wroth to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time, muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way; I, and the cook's dog, stand bowing at the door -rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit in to the area, d-ns us all for a puppy triumvirate!-Upon my credit, sir, werelin your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance.
Capt. A. Cease your impertinence, sir –did you come in for nothing more? Stand out of the way.
[Pushes him aside, and exit. Fag. So! Sir Anthony trims my master : he is afraid to reply to his father, then vents his spleen on poor Fag! When one is vexed by one person, one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, shows the worst of temper, the basest
Enter ERRAND Boy.
Fag. Well you little, dirty puppy, you needn't bawl so-the meanest disposition, the
Boy. Quick, quick! Mr. Fag.
Fag. Quick, quick ! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too, you little, impertinent, insolent , kitchen-bred-.
[Kicks him off. SCENE II. The North Parade.
Lucr. So, I shall have another rival to add to my
mistress's list-Captain Absolute; however, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received due notice in form.-Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Dalia , as he calls her :- I wonder he's not here!
Enter SIR Lucius O’TRIGGER. Sir L. Hah! my little ambassadress; upon my conscience I have been looking for you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.
Lucr. [Speaking simplr.] O gemini; and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.
Sir. L. 'Faith! may be, that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out, and I not see you—for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window, on purpose that I might not miss you.
Lucy. My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.
Sir L Sure enough it must have been so; and I never dreamt it was so late, till I waked.—Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me? Lucr. Yes, but I have-l've got a letter for you
in my pocket!
Sir L. l'faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-, handed; well, let me see what the dear creature says.
Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.
Sir L. [Reads.] ‘Sir,- There is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than
years of domestic combination : such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O’Trigger. Very prelty upon my word! “Female punctuation forbids me to say more! yet, let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. “Yours, while meretricious,
‘DELIA. Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language!’Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary; for the devil a word dare refuse coming at her
call, though one would think it was quite out of hearing.
Lucr. Ay, sir, a lady of her experience.
Lucy. O, true, sir-but then she reads so—my stars! how she will read off hand!
Sir L. 'Faith she must be very deep read, to write this way, though she is rather an arbitrary writer, too; for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from
any court in Christendom. However, when affection guides the pen, he must be a brute who finds fault with the style.
Lucr. Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!
Sir L. Oh, tell her, I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O’Trigger into the bargain! But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent, and do every thing fairly.
Lucr. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa’n’t rich enough to be so nice.
Sir L. Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it: I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirly action. If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. However, my pretty girl, [Giving her money] here's a little something to buy you a riband; and meet me in the evening, and I will give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand, to put you in mind.
[Kisses her. Lucr. O Lud! Sir Lucius I never see such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you are so impudent.
Sir L. 'Faith she will, Lucy—that same-pho! what's the name of it?—modesty!-is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked: so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty, my dear.
Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a lie?
Sir L. Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.
Lucr. For shame now; here is some one coming.
Sir L. O'faith, I'll quiet your conscience!
[Sees Fac.-Exit singing.
Enter Fag. Fag. So, so, ma'am; I humbly beg pardon. Lucy. O lud!—now, Mr. Fag—you flurry one so.
Fag. Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by—so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please. You play false with us, madam. I saw you give the baronet a letter. My master shall know this; and if he don't call him out— I will.
Lucy. Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty! That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.
Fag. How! what taste some people have! Why I suppose I have walked by her window a hundred timies. But what says our young lady? - any message to my master? Lucy. Sad news, Mr. Fag! A
rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son.
Fag. What, Captain Absolute?
Fag. Ha! ha! ha! very good, 'faith! Good b’ye, Lucy, I must away with this news.
Lucr. Well, you may laugh, but it is true, I assure you. [Going.] But, Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.
Fag. Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!
Lucy. And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.
Fag. Never fear-never fear!
SCENEI.-The North Parade.
Enter CAPTAIN APSOLUTE. Capt. A. 'T'is just as Fag told me, indeed! Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to
marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connexion with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but, I can assure him, it is very sincere. So, so, here he comes; he looks plaguy gruff! [Steps aside.
Enter SIR ANTHONY. Sir Anth. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say! I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper-an obstinate, passionate, selfwilled boy! Who can he take after? This is my
return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters! for putting him at twelve years old into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him-he's any body's son for me, I never will see him morenever-never-never-never. Capt. A. Now for a penitential face !
Cap. 4. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.
Sir Anth. What's that?
Capt. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.
Sir Anth. Well, sir?
Capt. A. I have been likewise weighing, and balancing, what you were pleased to mention, concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.
Sir Anth. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense! I never heard any thing more sensible in my life. Confound you ! you shall be Jack again.
Capt. X. I am happy in the appellation.