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Sir B. Now I don't pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface.
Mrs. C. Mr. Surface! Why, 'twas with Charles , Lady Teazle was detected.
Sir B. No such thing, I tell you-Mr. Surface is the gallant.
Mrs. C. No, no, Charles is the man. 'Twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them.
Sir B. I tell you I had it from one-
Mrs C. From one immediately—but here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps she knows the whole affair.
Enter LADY SNEERWELL. Lady S. So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here's a sad affair of our friend Teazle.
Mrs. C. Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought
Lady S. Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me.
Mrs. C. To be sure, her manners were a little too free : but then she was so young!
Lady S. And had, indeed, some good qualities Mrs C. So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars?
Lady S. No; but every body says that Mr. Surface-
Mrs C, No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles.
Lady S. With Charles ! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour! Mrs. C. Yes, yes,
was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the informer.
Sir B. Well, I'll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not
Mrs C. Sir Peter's wound! 0 mercy! I didn't hear a word of their fighting.
Lady S, Norl, a syllable.
Sir B. "Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, 'you are a most ungrateful fellow.' Mrs Č. Ay, to Charles -
Sir B. No, no-to Mr. Surface—'a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir,' says he, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.'
Mrs. C. Ay, that must have been to Charles; for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house.
Sir B. Gad's life, ma'am, not at all–‘Giving me immediate satisfaction. On this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords
Enter CRABTREE, Crab. With pistols, nephew-pistols: I have it from undoubted authority. Mrs C. O, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true !
Crab. Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded
Sir B. By a thrust in segoon quite through his left side
Crab. By a bullut lodged in the thorax.
Crab. Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could.
Mrs. C. I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person.
Sir B. My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter.
Crab. Bút Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingralitude.
Sir B That I told you, you know
Crab. Do, nephew, let me speak! --and insisted orr immediate-
Sir B. Satisfaction! Just as I said
Crab. Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too. A pair of pistols lay on the bureau , (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged.
Sir B. I heard nothing of this.
Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one; and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles's shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter's missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakspeare that stood over the fire-place, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.
Sir B. My mucle's account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the only true one,
for all that.
Lady S. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information. [Aside.]
[Exit LADY SNEERWELL. Sir B. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.
Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do say—but that's neither here nor there.
Mrs. C. But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present?
Crab. Oh! they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him.
Mrs. C. I believe so, and Lady Teazle , I suppose, attending him.
Crab. Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me.
Sir B. Hey! who comes here?
Mrs. C. o, certainly: it must be the physician ; and now we shall know.
Enter SIR OLIVER SURFACE.
Sir B. Now, doctor, isn't it a wound with a small sword?
Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred.
Sir O. Doctor! a wound with a small sword ! and a bullet in the thorax! Oops! are you mad, good people ?
Sir B. Perhaps , sir, you are not a doctor?
Crab. Only a friend of Sir Peter's, then I presume. But, sir, you must have heard of his accident ?
Sir O. Not a word!
Sir O. Hey! what the plague! you seem to diiler strangely
your accounts : however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
Sir B. O, yes, we agree in that.
Sir O. Then, upon my word , for a person in that situation, he is the mosl imprudent man alive; for here he comes walking, as if nothing at all was the natter.
Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE. Odd's heart, , Sir Peter, you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over.
Sir B. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery!
Sir O. Why, man, what do you out of bed with a small sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax ?
Sir P. A small sword, and a bullet!
Sir. O. Ay, these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice.
Sir P. Why, what is all this?
Sir B. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for
Sir P. So, so; all over the town already. [A side.
Crab. Though, Sir Peter , you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years.
Sir P. Sir, what business is that of yours?
Mrs. C. Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he's very much to be pitied.
Sir P. Plague on your pity, ma'am! I desire none of it.
Sir B. However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
Sir P. Sir , sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
Crab. 'Tis no uncommon case, that's one comfort.
Sir P. I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony-I insist on your leaving my house directly.
Mrs. C. Well, well, we are going, and depend on't we'll make the best report of it we can. Sir P. Leave
Sir B. And how patiently you bear it. [Exeunt Mrs. Candour, Sir Benjamin, and Crabtree.
Sir P. Leave my house !— Fiends! vipers! furies !
Sir P. Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations?
Row. Well, I'm not inquisitive.
Sir O. Well, I am not inquisitive ; I come only to tell you that I have seen both my nephews in the manner we propossd.
Sir P. A precious couple they are!