The Laughable Robbery.

THE

LAUGHABLE

ROBBERY;

OR, ONE ASS CHOUSED OUT OF ANOTHER.

Paraphrased and amplified from the prose of JOE MILLER, or fome other old Jeft Book; but as TOM FOOL said, when he had but seven Farthings in his Pocket, "That does not signify TWO PENCE."

WO odd fellows once in a comical cue,

Two

Who an odd sort of frolic were bent to pursue,
Took a ramble from Oxford to Abingdon Fair,
With their pockets and stomachs as empty as air;
Yet dastard despondency never could smother
Their hopes, to replenish both one and the other;
And through a green Lane as they trudg'd it along,
To avoid on the High-road the dust and the throng,
Their ears on a sudden were struck with the sound,
Of a Bumpkin's loud snoring, in slumber profound,
Stretch'd at length in a ditch, like a pig in a stye,
While his poor beast of burden was browzing hard by.
Zounds! says ARCHER to SHARP, here's a prize by the mass !
I'll strip myself naked while you strip the Ass:

And now, that being done, as we've no time to dally,
Put the geers upon ME, and dont stand shilly-shally,
But hide all my clothes 'tother side of yon hedge,
'Then take Donky to Fair, and my life will I pledge,
That when you have sold him, be who will the buyer,
His Master no more for his Ass will enquire.

So off scamper'd SHARP with the Ass to the Fair,
While ARCHER knelt down, on All fours, quite bare
And giving the Bumpkin a kick, he awoke,
But far more surpris'd at the sight than the stroke,
When, instead of his Ass, the poor simpleton sees
A stark naked Man, on his hands and his knees!
And he rapp'd out an oath, in a terrible fright,
Od dam it, what's this? Hold says ARCHER, all's right;

The Laughable Robbery.

The enchantment is broke,-I've regain'd my right shape,
And I'm sure you'll rejoice at my lucky escape :

For my Father, whom once I displeas'd you must know,
Has long dealt with the Devil, and some time ago,
In his conjuring freaks he transform'd me, alas !
From the figure and shape of a Man,-to an Ass!

In which plight you bought me,-but now I'm unwitch'd,
And new born, as it were, I must get me new breech'd.
So take your damn'd pack-saddle off from my back,
And let me in search of a Taylor go pack :-

You had better, without further curses or oaths,

Or my Father may make you supply me with Clothes.

"You be vree," says the Bumpkin, " without vurder arg'ing,
"And a dev'lish good riddance of such a damn'd bargain!"
So ARCHER, set free, to his Clothes did repair,

Slip'd them on, and soon follow'd his friend to the Fair,
Where the poor bubbl'd Hob-nail, in pitiful plight,
Being trick'd of one Ass by a conjuring Wight,
Follow'd after to purchase another outright:

And while through the throng he was beating the round,
To get one, if he could, that was young, strong, and sound,
On a sudden he started, and trembling, turn'd pale,
When a dealer presented poor Donkey for sale! →
And he cried, "I'll be chous'd by the Devil no more,
"For I'd have you to know I bought He once afore !—
"Od dam't! when we parted, I little thought then,
"He'd a quarrel'd so soon with old Square-toes agen!
For the Poor Soul got free but this very forenoon;
"And now conjur'd again to a Jack-ass so soon!

Why the old Toad deserves to be hung for't at least, "To transmogrify Men to the shape of a Beast!

"But I wont take'n back, for mayhap if I should,

"He may serve me the same as his own flesh and blood!
"And for fear he should make a Jack-ass of Mɛ too,
"I'll buy no more such bargains,-Dam Mɛ if I do."

The Laughable Robbery.-The Blessings of Scarcity, a Song.

Thus my Story concludes, and by what came to pass,
You see that the Numpscull refus'd bis own Ass,
Tho' perhaps You'll refuse as a Truth to receive it,
And tell me,-that none but an Ass would believe it.

THE BLESSINGS OF SCARCITY, A SONG.

WHEN I wallow'd in Plenty I liv'd like a Pig,

And my daily delight was to stuff and to swig,
But of plenty cut short, I've embrac'd a new plan,
As I've learn'd from short commons to live like a Man.

Gout and Cholic, by turns made me grumble and groan,
And I kick'd in the fits with the Gravel and Stone;
While with Hectic and Phthysic I panted for breath,
And by Surfeits, I courted an Alderman's death;

Quack Drops for digestion I bought at the shops,
And then Pills for purgation succeeded the drops;
While a full Crown a day, to save family slaughter,
Went out of my pocket to buy Surfeit Water!

Yet our Paunches, like Pigs, we kept cramming apace,
And, like Pigs we fell to, without saying of Grace !
For such queer things as Graces before meat and after,
With a mighty good grace that made subjects of laughter. !

But now, what a Blessing! like Christians complete,
Stead of meat without Grace, we have Grace without meat!
And for appetites good as we're ne'er at a loss,

If we've not the best Meat, we've at least the best Sauce.

For with Stomachs sharp set, when it falls in our way,
We as sharply fall to,—as poor Sharp in the Play;
And a Blessing it is that short meals give no cause,
To wear out our Teeth or to tire our Jaws.

The Blessings of Scarcity, a Song.-The Badger completely done over.

And 'tis likewise a truth which ought not to be cloak'd,
We with cramming too much run no risque to be choak'd;
While this Blessing springs from our hung'ring and thirsting,
That, with stuffing too full, there's no fear of our bursting.

Then should Times chop about, and replenish our store,
And we all eat and drink and get merry once more ;
Our Scarcities past, we as Blessings may prize,
If, in future, they make us both merry and wise.

THE BADGER COMPLETELY DONE OVER,

AN EXTEMPORARY DASH OF THE PEN,

In the Year 1801.

WHEN through the rich fields, tother day, as I pass'd,

Beholding the full swelling Grain,

And feasting my fancy, that plenty at last
Would hail us with Peace in her train;

A lank pallid wretch, with a skance evil eye,
Came scowling along the foot path;

And though lately quite fat, was so thin, by the by,
That he look'd like a mere walking lath!

And, what was more grievous, by sickness pull'd down,
Through his skin I beheld his bare bones;

While what made Me smile, He beheld with a frown,
As the cause of my thanks and bis groans!

For, a strange thing to tell, I found out that the Elf
Always fatten'd when others got lean;
And when others grew fat then he got lean himself,
And pin'd with spite, rancour, and spleen!

The Badger completely done over.-Impromptu on Mrs. Second.

For experience has prov'd in the days of distress,
That even the Mealman and Cadger,

'To him when compar'd, might their innocence bless,
And thank God they were Saints-to a BADGER!

A Badger? quoth I, why he looks very sick!
Very true, says a friend, for, last Spring,
got the GREEN Sickness, when Grass grew so thick,
And the Hay harvest made his heart wring!

He

But now, as a Quaker turns sick at a Fop,

And a Quaker, in turn, makes a Fop sick,
Ilis foul stomach turns at this plentiful Crop,
And, thank God-he's incurably CROP-Sick!

On hearing the young and beautiful Mrs. SECOND sing at the Musical Festival, in Birmingham, for the Benefit of the General Hospital there.

WHEN the great Cognoscenti, full ripe from the schools,

Like Aristarch, flush'd with dogmatical rules;
Fame's weathercock veering, found ways how to fix it,
And manag'd the vane with a meer Ipse Dixit ;
They of Mara pronounc'd, and dispute it who durst,
That, of all vocal Prodigies, SHE was the FIRST!
But, as flowers in Autumn will fade and decay,
And leaves shrink and dry till they drop from the spray ;
So the Vet'ran in fame, past her heyday and prime,
Must, like time-beating Stephen, be beaten by Time.
And though not convinc'd, while with thousands imburs'd,
That The First may be Last, and the Last may be First;"