The minister was juggling to put on a new four-ply collar, and the perspiration was starting from every pore.

"Bless the collar!" he ejaculated "Oh, yes, bless it. Bless the blessed collar."

"My dear," said his wife, "what is your text for this morning's sermon ?"

"F-fourteenth verse f-fifty-fifth Psalm,” he replied in short gasps. "The w-words of his m-mouth were s-smoother than butter, but w-war was in his heart."

There was a man, he had a clock,
His name was Matthew Mears;
He wound it regular every day
For four-and-twenty years.
At last his precious timepiece proved

An eight-day clock to be;

And a madder man than Mr. Mears

You'd never wish to see.

"Hans," said one German to another in the streets of Frankfort, "what are you crying about?" "I am crying because the great Rothschild is dead," was the reply. "And why should you cry about that?" was the further query; "he was no relation of yours, was he?" "No," was the answer, half-smothered in sobs, "no relation at all, and that's just what I'm crying for?"

"Only a tress of a woman's hair!"

The lover musingly, fondly said: "And yet it forms a halo fair,

To-night, above her sacred head!"
"Only a tress of a woman's hair!"

The maiden, smiling sweetly, said,
And laid it on the back of a chair

And went to bed!

Artemus Ward, was traveling on a slow-going Southern road soon after the war. "When the conductor was punching his ticket Artemus remarked: "Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they do so in a respectful manner?" The conductor replied in gruff tones that he guessed so. "Well," Artemus went on," it occurred to me it would be well to detach the cow-catcher from the front of the engine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For you see we are not liable to overtake a cow, but what's to prevent a cow strolling into this car and biting a passenger."

An American who had a jolly German friend, wished to become acquainted with the German's charming wife, "Vell," said the German, "ofe you dreat, dat vill pe all righdt." After the treat the German led him over to where the lady was sitting with a number of friends. “Katrina,” said the husband," you know dat man?" "No," said Katrina, modestly. "Vell, dot's him!"

A young correspondent complains that "there are too many lawyers in the country." Oh, no, my boy; there aren't too many lawyers. There aren't half enough clients, that's all.

"Ethel," asked the teacher, "whom do the ancients say supported the world on his shoulders?" "Atlas, sir." "You're quite right," said the teacher. "Atlas supported the world. Now who supported Atlas?" "I suppose," said Ethel softly, "I suppose he married a rich wife."

It is the sausage manufacturer who makes both ends meat. A stranger in the city, seeing the places of public resort full of young men, night after night, asked if this was the land of the midnight son.

"I need have no more fears from that quarter," is what the storekeeper remarked as he threw the counterfeit twenty-five-cent piece in the fire, which had come back to him several times.

At a hotel table sat

Bridget bride and bridegroom Pat,
While a city dweller, he

Helped himself to celery.

Bridget's eyes with wonder grew;
“Paddy,” whispered she, “luk you
At that baste across the way
Atin' up that swate bookay."

School-board visitor, while examining a scholar-"Where is the North Pole?" "I don't know, sir." "Don't you? Are you not ashamed that you don't know where the North Pole is?" "Why, sir, if Sir John Franklin and Dr. Kane and Markham couldn't find it, how should I know where it is?"

SUPPLEMENT TO

One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 26

CONTAINING

SENTIMENTS For Public Occasions;

WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment;

LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection;
FUNNY SAYINGS For Social Pastime, &c.

Men use virtue as an umbrella to keep the rain of brimstone off their Sunday clothes.

A kindly act is a kernel sown,

That will grow to a goodly tree,

Shedding its fruit when time has flown

Down the gulf of eternity. John Boyle O'Reilly.

The value of a man's advice is the way he applies it to himself.

Get but the truth once uttered, and 'tis like
A star new-born, that drops into its place,
And which, once circling in its placid round,

Not all the tumult of the earth can shake. Lowell.

Rather be beaten in right than succeed in wrong.

God scatters love on every side
Freely among his children all,
And always hearts are open wide
Wherein some grains may fall.

He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for any

The purest joy we can experience in one we love is to see that person a source of happiness to others.

Great minds like Heaven, are pleased in doing good.
Nicholas Rowe
Speak not of death, nor count that loss
Which plucks from earth a flower to bloom
In heaven.

He only sounds the depth

Of woe, and drinks the gall of life

Who mourns a living friend that's lost.

Cheerfulness is the daughter of employment.

What were our life, with all its rents and seams,
Stripped of its purple robes,-our waking dreams?
The poet's song, the bright romancer's page,
The tinseled shows that cheat us on the stage
Lead all our fancies captive at their will-
Three years or three-score, we are children still.

Holmes

A zealous soul without meekness is like a ship in a storm, in danger of wrecks. A meek soul without zeal is like a ship in a calm, that moves not so fast as it ought. Mason.

New occasions teach new duties; time makes ancient good

uncouth;

They must upward still, and onward, who would keep abreast of truth.

When a deed is done for freedom, through the broad earth's aching breast

Runs a thrill of joy prophetic, trembling on from east to west.

The highest perfection of human reason is to know that there is an infinity of truth beyond its reach.

Pascal.

Oh, better, no doubt, is a dinner of herbs,
When seasoned by love which no rancor disturbs,
And sweetened by all that is sweetest in life,
Than turbot, bisque, ortolans, eaten in strife.

Owen Meredith.

What sculpture is to a block of marble, education is to a human soul.

Addison.

As ships that pass in the night and speak each other in passing,

Only a signal given and a distant voice in the darkness;
So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,-
Only a look and a voice, then darkness again, and a silence.

He who reigns within himself, and rules passions, desires, and fears, is more than a king.

The leaf tongues of the forest, the flower-lips of the sod,
The happy birds that hymn their rapture in the ear of God,
The summer wind that bringeth music over land and sea,
Have each a voice that singeth this sweet song of songs to me:
“This world is full of beauty, like other worlds above,
And if we did our duty, it might be full of love." G. Massey.
There is a loquacity which tells nothing, and a silence
which tells much.

There are as many lovely things,

As many pleasant tones,

For those who sit by cottage hearths

As those who sit on thrones.

Mrs. Hawkesworth.

This world is given as a prize for the men in earnest.

F. W. Robertson,

The deeds we do, the words we say,

Into still air they seem to fleet;

We count them ever past,

But they shall last:

In the dread judgment, they

And we shall meet.

J. Keble.

To conceal a fault by a lie has been said to be substituting a hole for a stain.

All that hath been majestical

In life or death, since time began,
Is native in the simple heart of all,
The angel heart of man.

Lowell.

He that lags behind in a road where many are driving, always will be in a cloud of dust.

'Tis only when they spring to heaven that angels
Reveal themselves to you! They sit all day
Beside you, and lie down at night by you

Who care not for their presence, and muse or sleep,
And all at once they leave you and you know them.

Browning.

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving.

The path of life we walk to-day

Is strange as that the Hebrews trod;

We need the shadowing rock, as they

Holmes.

We need, like them, the guides of God. Whittier.