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ACRES. (Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it -'tis genteel, isn't it?I didn't invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia-a great scholar, I assure you-says that there is no meaning in the common oaths, and that nothing but their antiquity makes them respectable; because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say, "By Jove!" or "By Bacchus!" or "By Mars!" or "By Venus!" or "By Pallas," according to the sentiment

so that to swear with propriety, says my little Major, the 'oath should be an echo to the sense'; and this we call the "oath referential," or "sentimental swearing"-ha! ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it?

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ACRES. You have business with Sir Anthony. I expect a message from Mrs. Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend, Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack! we must meet at night. Odds bottles and glasses! you shall give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia. 455 ABSOLUTE. That I will with all my heart. Exit ACRES Now for a parental lecture! I hope he has heard nothing of the business that has brought me here—I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul!

Enter SIR ANTHONY

ABSOLUTE. Sir, I am delighted to see you here and looking so well! your sudden arrival

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SIR ANTHONY. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are recruiting here, hey?

ABSOLUTE. Yes, sir, I am on duty.

SIR ANTHONY. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, tho' I did not expect it, for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business.-Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

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ABSOLUTE. (Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty, and I pray frequently that you may continue so.)

SIR ANTHONY. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission and what I have hitherto allowed you is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit. 485

ABSOLUTE. Sir, you are very good. SIR ANTHONY. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence.

ABSOLUTE. Sir, your kindness overpowers me such generosity makes the gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection.)

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SIR ANTHONY. Z-ds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the Crescent; her one eye shall roll like the Bull's in Cox's Museum,1 she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew-she shall be all this, sirrah! - yet I'll make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty. ABSOLUTE. This is reason and moderation, indeed!

586 SIR ANTHONY. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

ABSOLUTE. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humor for mirth in my life.

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you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again! don't provoke me!—but you rely upon the mildness of my temper-you do, you dog! you play upon the weakness of my disposition! - Yet take care-the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!-But mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do everything on earth that I choose, whyconfound you! I may in time forgive you.If not, z-ds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and d-n me, if ever I call you Jack again! Exit SIR ANTHONY 629 ABSOLUTE, Solus

ABSOLUTE. Mild, gentle, considerate father -I kiss your hands! -What a tender method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare not trust him with the truth. I wonder what old, wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me!-Yet he married himself for love, and was in his youth a bold intriguer and a gay companion!

Enter FAG

FAG. Assuredly, sir, our father) is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time-muttering, growling, and thumping the bannisters all the way. I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the doorrap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane, bids me carry that to my master, then kicking the poor Turnspit into the area, d-ns us all, for a puppy triumvirate!-Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place and found my father such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance. 649 ABSOLUTE. Cease your impertinence, sir, at present. Did you come in for nothing more?-Stand out of the way!

Pushes him aside, and exit

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LUCY. So I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list-Captain Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed! - Well, I have done him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him.-Sir Lucius is generally more punctual when he expects to hear from his "dear Dalia," as he calls her; I wonder he's not here!--I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit, tho' I should not be paid so well if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress. I could not have thought he would have been so nice, when there's a golden egg in the case, as to care whether he has it from a pullet or an old hen.

Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER

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LUCY. (Speaking simply) O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.

SIR LUCIUS. Faith!-maybe that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out and I not see you for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you.

LUCY. My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep. 32 SIR LUCIUS. Sure enough it must have been so and I never dreamt it was so late, till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?

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many poor words pressed into the service of this note that would get their habeas corpus from any court in christendom.However, when affection guides the pen, Lucy, he must be a brute who finds fault with the style. 75

LUCY. Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

SIR LUCIUS. Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain!-But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent-and do everything fairly.

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LUCY. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice.1

SIR LUCIUS. Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it!-I am so poor that I can't afford to do a dirty action.—If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.-However, my pretty girl, (Gives her money) here's a little something to buy you a ribband; and meet me in the evening and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, (Kisses her) take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind.

LUCY. O lud! Sir Lucius-I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you're so impudent.

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ABSOLUTE. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! - He must not know of my connection with her yet a while. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters, and Lydia shall not yet lose her hopes of an elopement.However, I'll read my recantation instantly.

My conversion is something sudden, indeed, but I can assure him it is very sincere.)

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[SIR ANTHONY.] No, I'll die sooner than forgive him-Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting his impudence had almost put me out of temperan obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters!- for putting him at twelve years old into a marching regiment and allowing him fifty pounds a year, beside his pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son, for me.-I never will see him more, never-never-never-never!

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ABSOLUTE. [Approaching] Now for a penitential face.

SIR ANTHONY. Fellow, get out of my way! ABSOLUTE. Sir, you see a penitent before

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