into the dining-room; refreshment, after your long the barter; but here, every London ball-room is journey, must be requisite. Young C. Pardon me, madame! but the lovely garden and the loveliness before me is better refreshment than I could procure in any dining room. Grace. Ha! Your company and compliments arrive together. Young C. I trust that a passing remark will not spoil so welcome an introduction as this by offending you. Grace. I am not certain that anything you could say would offend me. Young C. I never meant Grace. I thought not. In turn, pardon me, when I request you will commence your visit with this piece of information :-I consider compliments impertinent, and sweetmeat language fulsome. Young C. I would condemn my tongue to a Pythagorean silence, if I thought it could attempt to flatter. a marriage mart-young ladies are trotted out, while the mother, father, or chaperone plays auctioneer, and knocks them down to the highest bidder-young men are ticketed up with their fortunes on their backs,—and Love, turned into a dapper shopman, descants on the excellent qualities of the material. Young C. Oh! that such a custom could have ever emanated from the healthy soil of an English heart! Grace. No. It never did-like most of our literary dandyisms and dandy literature, it was borrowed from the French. Young C. You seem to laugh at love. Grace. Love! why, the very word is a breathing satire upon man's reason-a mania indigenous to humanity-Nature's jester, who plays off tricks upon the world, and trips up common sense. When I'm in love, I'll write an almanac, for very lack of wit--prognosticate the sighing seasonGrace. It strikes me, sir, that you are a stray when to beware of tears-about this time expect bee from the hive of fashion; if so, reserve your matrimony to be prevalent! Ha! ha! Why should honey for its proper cell. A truce to compliments. I lay out my life in love's bonds upon the bare seYou have just arrived from town, I apprehend. curity of a man's word? Young C. This moment I left mighty London, under the fever of a full season, groaning with the noisy pulse of wealth and the giddy whirling brain of fashion. Enchanting, busy London! how have I prevailed on myself to desert you! Next week the new ballet comes out-the week after comes Ascot. Oh! Grace. How agonizing must be the reflection! Young C. Torture! Can you inform me how you manage to avoid suicide here? If there was but an opera, even, within twenty miles! We couldn't get up a rustic ballet among the village girls? No!-ah! Grace. I am afraid you would find that difficult. How I contrive to support life I don't know -it is wonderful-but I have not precisely contemplated suicide yet, nor do I miss the opera. Young C. How can you manage to kill time? Grace. I can't. Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. I have many employments this week I devote to study and various amusements-next week to being married the following week to repentance, perhaps. Young C. Married! Grace. You seem surprised; I believe it is of frequent occurrence in the metropolis-is it not? Young C. Might I ask to whom? Grace. A gentleman who has been strongly recommended to me for the situation of husband. Young C. What an extraordinary match!Would you not consider it advisable to see him, previous to incurring the consequences of such an act? Enter JAMES, L. James. The squire, madame, has just arrived, and another gentleman with him. Grace. [aside.] My intended, I suppose. [Exit JAMES, L. Young C. I perceive you are one of the railers against what is termed the follies of high life. Grace. No, not particularly; I deprecate all folly. By what prerogative can the west-end mint issue absurdity, which, if coined in the east, would be voted vulgar? Young C. By a sovereign right-because it has Fashion's head upon its side, and that stamps it current. Grace. Poor Fashion, for how many sins hast thou to answer! The gambler pawns his birthright for fashion-the roue steals his friend's wife for fashion-each abandons himself to the storm of impulse, calling it the breeze of fashion. Young C. Is this idol of the world so radically vicious? Grace. No; the root is well enough, as the body was, until it had outgrown its native soil; but now, like a mighty giant lying over Europe, it pillows its head in Italy, its heart in France, leaving the heels alone its sole support for England. Young C. Pardon me, madame, you wrong yourself to rail against your own inheritance-the kingdom to which loveliness and wit attest your title. Grace. A mighty realm, forsooth-with milliners for ministers, a cabinet of coxcombs, envy Grace. You must be aware that fashion says for my homage, ruin for my revenue-my right of otherwise. The gentleman swears eternal devo- rule depending on the shape of a bonnet or the tion to the lady's fortune, and the lady swears she set of a pelisse, with the next grand noodle as my will outvie him still. My lord's horses and my heir apparent. Mr. Hamilton, when I am crownlady's diamonds shine through a few seasons, un-ed, I shall feel happy to abdicate in your favor. til a seat in Parliament, or the Continent, stares [Courtesies and exit, L. them in the face; then, when thrown upon each Young C. What did she mean by that? Hang other for resources of comfort, they begin to quar-me if I can understand her-she is evidently not rel about the original conditions of the sale. Young C. Sale! No! that would be degrading civilization into Turkish barbarity. Grace. Worse, sir, a great deal worse; for there, at least, they do not attempt concealment of used to society. Ha!-takes every word I say for infallible truth-requires the solution of a compliment, as if it were a problem in Euclid. She said she was about to marry, but I rather imagine she was in jest. 'Pon my life, I feel very queer at the contemplation of such an idea-I'll follow her. [MEDDLE comes down.] Oh! perhaps this booby can inform me something about her. [MEDDLE makes signs at him.] What the devil is he at! Med. It won't do, no, ah! um, it's not to be done. Young C. What do you mean? Med. [points after GRACE.] Counsel retainedcause to come off! Young C. Cause to come off! Med. Miss Grace is about to be married. Sir H. Oh! I took him for one of your people. Med. Ah! naturally-um-Sir Harcourt Courtly, I have the honor to congratulate-happy occasion approaches. Ahem! I have no hesitation in saying, this very happy occasion approaches. Sir H. Cool, is the conversation addressed towards me? Cool. I believe so, Sir Harcourt. Med. Oh, certainly! I was complimenting you. Sir H. Sir, you are very good; the honor is undeserved; but I am only in the habit of re Med. Certainly. If I have the drawing out of ceiving compliments from the fair sex. Men's adthe deeds Young C. To whom? miration is so damnably insipid. Med. I had hoped to make a unit on that oc In-casion. Med. Ha! hem! Oh, yes! I dare say. formation being scarce in the market, I hope to make mine valuable. Med. Now I shall have another chance. Young C. I'll run and ascertain the truth of this from Dazzle. [Exit, L. Med. It's of no use; he either dare not kick me, or he can't afford it-in either case he is beneath my notice. Ah! who comes here?-can it be Sir Harcourt Courtly himself? It can be no other. Enter COOL, L. Sir, I have the honor to bid you welcome to Oak Hall, and the village of Oldborough. Cool. [aside.] Excessively polite. Sir, thank you. Med. The township contains two thousand inhabitants. Cool. Does it! I am delighted to hear it. Med. [aside.] I can charge him for thatahem-six and eight pence is not much-but it is a beginning. [Aloud.] If you will permit me, I can inform you of the different commodities for which it is famous. Cool. Much obliged-but here comes Sir Harcourt Courtly, my master, and Mr. Harkawayany other time I shall feel delighted. Med. Oh! [Aside.] Mistook the man for the [Retires up R. master. wel Enter MAX and SIR HARCOURT, L. Max. Here we are at last. Now give ye come to Oak Hall, Sir Harcourt, heartily! Sir H. [languidly.] Cool, assist me. [COOL takes off his cloak and gloves; gives him white gloves and handkerchief. Max. Why, you require unpacking as carefully as my best bin of port. Well, now you are decanted, tell me what did you think of my park as we came along. Sir H. That it would never come to an end. You said it was only a stone's throw from your infernal lodge to the house; why, it's ten miles, at least. Max. I'll do it in ten minutes any day. Sir H. Yes, in a steam carriage. Cool, perfume my handkerchief. Max. Don't do it. Don't! perfume in the country! why, it's high treason in the very face of Nature; 'tis introducing the robbed to the robber. Here are the sweets from which your fulsome essences are pilfered, and libeled with their names; don't insult them, too. [MEDDLE comes down, c. Sir H. [to MEDDLE.] Oh! cull me a bouquet, Sir H. Yes, and you hope to put an infernal number of cyphers after your unit on that and any other occasion. Med. Ha! ha! very good. Why, I did hope to have the honor of drawing out the deeds; for, whatever Jenks may say to the contrary, I have no hesitation in saying Sir H. [putting him aside. To MAX.] If the future Lady Courtly be visible at so unfashionable an hour as this, I shall beg to be introduced. Max. Visible! Ever since six this morning, I'll warrant ye. Two to one she is at dinner. Sir H. Dinner! Is it possible? Lady Courtly dine at half past one P. M.! Tell Miss Grace to come here directly. [Exit JAMES, L.] Now prepare, Courtly; for, though I say it, she is with the exception of my bay mare, Kitty-the handsomest thing in the country. Considering she is a biped, she is a wonder! Full of blood, sound in wind and limb, plenty of bone, sweet coat, in fine condition, with a thoroughbred step, as dainty as a pet greyhound. Sir H. Dam'me, don't compare her to a horse! Max. Well, I wouldn't, but she's almost as fine a creature,-close similarities. Med. Oh, very fine creature! Close similarity, amounting to identity. Sir H. Good gracious, sir! What can a lawyer know about women! Med. Everything. The consistorial court is a tion in saying that I have examined more women fine study of the character, and I have no hesitathan Jenks, or Sir H. Oh, damn Jenks! Med. Sir, thank you. damn him again! Damn him again, sir, Enter GRACE, L. Grace. My dear uncle! Max. Ah, Grace, you little jade, come here. Sir H. [eyeing her through his glass.] Oh, dear! she is a rural Venus! I'm astonished and delighted. Max. Won't you kiss your old uncle? [Kisses her. Sir H. [draws an agonizing face.] Oh!-ah! -um!-N'importe!-my privilege in embryo— hem! It's very tantalizing, though. Max. You are not glad to see me, you are not. Sir H. Oh; no, no! [aside] that is too much. I shall do something horrible presently, if this goes on. [Aloud.] I should be sorry to curtail any little ebullition of affection; but-ahem! May I be permitted? Max. Of course you may. There, Grace, is Sir Harcourt, your husband that will be. Go to him, girl. Sir H. Permit me to do homage to the charms, the presence of which have placed me in sight of Paradise. [SIR HARCOURT and GRACE retire. Enter DAZZLE, L. Daz. Ah! old fellow, how are you? Max. I'm glad to see you. Are you comfortably quartered yet, eh? Daz. Splendidly quartered! What a place you've got here! Here, Hamilton! Enter YOUNG Courtly. Permit me to introduce my friend, Augustus Hamilton. Capital fellow! drinks like a sieve, and rides like a thunder-storm. Max. Sir, I'm devilish glad to see you. Here, Sir Harcourt, permit me to introduce to you— Young C. The devil! Daz. [aside.] What's the matter? Young C. [aside.] Why, that is my governor, by Jupiter! Daz. [aside.] What, old Whiskers! you don't say that? Young C. [aside.] It is; what's to be done now? Max. Mr. Hamilton, Sir Harcourt CourtlySir Harcourt Courtly, Mr. Hamilton. Sir H. Hamilton! Good gracious! God bless me! why, Charles, is it possible!-why, Max, that's my son! Young C. [aside.] What shall I do? Grace. Your son, Sir Harcourt! have you a son as old as that gentleman? Sir H. No-that is a yes,-not by twenty years-a- Charles, why don't you answer me, sir? Young C. [aside to DAZZLE.] What shall I say? Daz. [aside.] Deny your identity. Young C. [aside.] Capital! [Aloud.] What's the matter, sir? Sir H. How came you down here, sir? Young C. By one of Newman's best fours-in twelve hours and a quarter. Sir H. Isn't your name Charles Courtly? Sir H. Do you mean to say that you are usually called Augustus Hamilton? Sir H. Sir, your likeness to my son Charles is so astonishing, that it, for a moment—the equilibrium of my etiquette 'pon my life, I-permit me to request your pardon. Med. Sir Harcourt, don't apologize, don'tbring an action. I'm witness. Sir H. Some one take this man away. James. Luncheon is on the table, sir. Sir H. Miss Harkaway, I never swore before a lady in my life-except when I promised to love and cherish the late Lady Courtly, which I took care to preface with an apology-I was compelled to the ceremony, and consequently not answerable for the language-but to that gentleman's identity I would have pledged-my hair. Grace. [aside.] If that security were called for, I suspect the answer would be-no effects. [Exeunt SIR HARCOURT and GRACE, L. Med. [to MAX.] I have something very particular to communicate. [Exit, L. Max. Can't listen at present. Med. [to DAZZLE and YOUNG C.] I can afford you information which IDaz. Oh, don't bother! Young C. Go to the devil! [Exeunt DAZZLE and YOUNG C., L. Med. Now I have no hesitation in saying that is the height of ingratitude. Oh! Mr. Cool-can you oblige me? [Presents his account. Cool. Why, what is all this? Med. Small account versus you to giving information concerning the last census of the population of Oldborough and vicinity, six and eight pence. Young C. Lamentable fact and quite correct. Sir H. Cool, is that my son? Cool. No, sir-it is not Mr. Charles-but it is very like him. Med. Cool. Max. I cannot understand all this. [Goes up. Grace. [aside.] I think I can. Med. Cool. Med. Ay, but where are your witnesses? Yes, where are your witnesses? [Exit, L. Ah-dam'me. Exit, L. Daz. [aside to YOUNG C.] Give him a touch of the indignant. Young C. Allow me to say, Sir What-d'ye-call'em Hartly Sir H. Hartly, sir! Courtly, sir! Courtly! Young C. Well, Hartly, or Court-heart, or whatever your name may be, I say your conduct is-a-a-, and were it not for the presence of this lady, I should feel inclined-to-to Sir H. No, no, that can't be my son-he never would address me in that way. Max. [coming down.] What is all this? ACT II I. SCENE I-A Morning-Room in Oak Hall, French windows opening to the Lawn. MAX and SIR HARCOURT seated on one side, DAZZLE on the other; GRACE and YOUNG COURTLY playing chess at back. All dressed for dinner. Max. [aside to SIR H.] What can I do? Max. What, turn them out, after I particularly invited them to stay a month or two? Sir H. Why, they are disreputable characters; as for that young fellow, in whom my Lady Courtly appears so particularly absorbed-I am bewildered-I have written to town for Charles, my boy -it certainly is the most extraordinary likeness Daz. Sir Harcourt, I have an idea Sir H. Sir, I am delighted to hear it. [Aside. to MAX.] That fellow is a swindler. Max. I met him at your house. Sir H. Never saw him before in all my life. Daz. [crossing to SIR H.] I will bet you five to one that I can beat you three out of four games of billiards, with one hand. Daz. A long-headed, knowing old buck. Sir H. Sir! [They go up conversing with MAX. Grace. Really, Mr. Hamilton, you improve. A young man pays us a visit, as you half intimate, to escape inconvenient friends-that is complimentary to us, his hosts. Young C. Nay, that is too severe. Grace. After an acquaintanceship of two days, you sit down to teach me chess and domestic economy at the same time. Might I ask where you graduated in that science-where you learned all that store of matrimonial advice which you have obliged me with? [They come forward. Young C. I imbibed it, madame, from the moment I beheld you, and having studied my subject con amore, took my degrees from your eyes. Grace. Oh, I see you are a Master of Arts already. Young C. Unfortunately, no-I shall remain a bachelor-till you can assist me to that honor. [SIR HARCOURT comes down. Aside to DAZZLE.] Keep the old boy away. Daz. [aside.] How do you get on? Young C. [aside.] Splendidly! Sir H. Is the conversation strictly confidential or might I join? Daz. [taking his arm.] Oh, not in the least, my dear sir-we were remarking that rifle shooting was an excellent diversion during the summer months. Sir H. [drawing himself up.] Sir, I was addressing Daz. And I was saying what a pity it was I couldn't find any one reasonable enough to back his opinion with long odds. Come out on the lawn, and pitch up your hat, and I will hold you ten to, one I put a bullet into it every time, at forty paces. Sir H. No, sir-I consider you— Max. Here, all of you-look, here is Lady Gay Spanker coming across the lawn at a hand gallop! Sir H. [running to the window.] Bless me, the horse is running away! Max. Look how she takes that fence! there's a seat. Grace. I am sure she will like you. Sir H. Ha ha! I flatter myself. Young C. Who and what is she? Grace. Glee, glee, made a living thing-Nature, in some frolic mood, shut up a merry devil in her eye, and, spiting Art, stole Joy's brightest harmony to thrill her laugh, which peals out Sorrow's knell. Her cry rings loudest in the field-the very echo loves it best, and as each hill attempts to ape her voice, Earth seems to laugh that it made a thing so glad. Max. Ay, the merriest minx I ever kissed. Lady G. [without.] James. Mr. Adolphus and Lady Gay Spanker. [Exit. Enter LADY GAY, L., fully equipped in riding habit, &c. Lady G. Ha! ha! Well, governor, how are ye? I have been down five times, climbing up your stairs in my long clothes. How are you, Grace, dear? [Kisses her.] There, don't fidget, Max. And there-[kisses him] there's one for you. Sir H. Ahem! Lady G. Oh, gracious, I didn't see you had visitors. Max. Permit me to introduce-Sir Harcourt Courtly, Lady Gay Spanker. Mr. Dazzle, Mr. Hamilton-Lady Gay Spanker. Sir H. [aside.] A devilish fine woman! man. Lady G. You mustn't think anything of the liberties I take with my old papa here-bless him! Sir H. Oh, no! [Aside.] I only thought I should like to be in his place. Lady G. I am so glad you have come, Sir Harcourt. Now we shall be able to make a decent figure at the heels of a hunt. Sir H. Does your ladyship hunt? Ha! I say, governor, does my ladyship hunt? I rather flatter myself that I do hunt! Why, Sir Harcourt, one might as well live without laughing as without hunting. Man was fashioned expressly to fit a horse. Are not hedges and ditches created for leaps? Of course! And I look upon foxes to be one of the most blessed dispensations of a benign Providence. Sir H. Yes, it is all very well in the abstractI tried it once. And then the animal Lady G. Once! Only once? Sir H. Once, only once. ran away with me. Lady G. Why, you would not have him walk? Sir H. Finding my society disagreeable, he instituted a series of kicks, with a view to removing the annoyance; but, aided by the united stays of the mane and tail, I frustrated his intentions. [All laugh.] His next resource, however, was more effectual, for he succeeded in rubbing me off against a tree. Max and Lady G. Ha! ha! ha! Daz. How absurd you must have looked, with Sir H. Lady Gay Spanker-who may she be? your legs and arms in the air like a shipwrecked Grace. Gay Spanker, Sir Harcourt! My cou-tea-table. sin and dearest friend-you must like her. Sir H. It will be my devoir since it is your wish, though it will be a hard task in your presence. Sir H. Sir, I never looked absurd in my life. Ah, it may be very amusing in relation, I dare say, but very unpleasant in effect. Lady G. I pity you, Sir Harcourt; it was criminal in your parents to neglect your education so shamefully. Sir H. Possibly; but be assured, I shall never break my neck awkwardly from a horse, when it might be accomplished with less trouble from a bed-room window. Young C. [aside.] My dad will be caught by this she Bucephalus-tamer. Max. Ah! Sir Harcourt, had you been here a month ago, you would have witnessed the most glorious run that ever swept over merry England's green cheek-a steeple-chase, sir, which I intended to win, but my horse broke down the day before. I had a chance, notwithstanding, and but for Gay here, I should have won. How I regret ted my absence from it! How did my filly behave herself, Gay? Sir H. Full cry! Lady G. Ay! there is harmony, if you will. Give me the trumpet-neigh; the spotted pack just catching scent. What a chorus is their yelp! The view-hallo, blent with a peal of free and fearless mirth! That's our old English music-match it where you can! Sir H. [aside.] I must see about Lady Gay Spanker. Daz. [aside to SIR H.] Ah! would you— Sir H. [aside.] I wish I were the mouth! I Lady G. Gloriously, Max! gloriously! There were sixty horses in the field, all mettle to the bone; the start was a picture-away we went in a cloud-pell-mell-helter-skelter-the fools first, as usual, using themselves up. We soon passed them-first your Kitty, then my Blueskin, and Craven's colt last. Then came the tug-Kitty Lady G. I have a husband somewhere, though skimmed the walls-Blueskin flew over the fences can't find him just now. Dolly, dear! [Aside -the Colt neck-and-neck, and half a mile to run to MAX.] Governor, at home I always whistle -at last the Colt baulked a leap and went wild. when I want him. Kitty and I had it all to ourselves-she was three lengths ahead as we breasted the last wall, six feet, if an inch, and a ditch on the other side. Now, for the first time, I gave Blueskin his head -ha ha! Away he flew like a thunderboltover went the filly-I over the same spot, leaving Kitty in the ditch-walked the steeple, eight miles in thirty minutes, and scarcely turned a hair. All. Bravo! Bravo! Lady G. Do you hunt? Daz. Hunt! I belong to a hunting family. I was born on horseback and cradled in a kennel! Ay, and I hope I may die with a whoo-whoop! Max. [to SIR H.] You must leave your town habits in the smoke of London; here we rise with the lark. Sir H. Haven't the remotest conception when that period is. Grace. The man that misses sunrise loses the sweetest part of his existence. Sir H. Oh, pardon me; I have seen sunrise frequently after a ball, or from the windows of my traveling carriage, and I always considered it disagreeable. Grace. I love to watch the first tear that glistens in the opening eye of morning, the silent song the flowers breathe, the thrilling choir of the woodland minstrels, to which the modest brook trickles applause; these swelling out the sweetest chord of sweet creation's matins, seem to pour some soft and merry tale into the daylight's ear, as if the waking world had dreamed a happy thing, and now smiled o'er the telling of it. Sir H. The effect of a rustic education! Who could ever discover music in a damp foggy morning, except those confounded waits, who never play in tune, and a miserable wretch who makes a point of crying coffee under my window just as I am persuading myself to sleep; in fact, I never heard any music worth listening to, except in Italy. Lady G. No? then you never heard a welltrained English pack in full cry? Did you call me, Gay? Enter SPANKER, L. Max. Permit me to introduce you to Sir Harcourt Courtly. Span. How d'ye do? I-ah!—um ! [Appears frightened. Lady G. Delighted to have the honor of making the acquaintance of a gentleman so highly celebrated in the world of fashion. Span. Oh, yes, delighted, I'm sure-quitevery-so delighted-delighted! [Gets quite confused, draws on his glove, and Lady G. Where have you been, Dolly? Span. I'm sure I didn't—I don't exactly know, but I thought as-perhaps-I can't remember. Daz. Shall we have the pleasure of your company to dinner? Span. I always dine-usually-that is, unless Lady G. Stay dinner, of course; we came on Grace. We must postpone the dinner till Gay is dressed. Max. Oh, never mind-stay where you are. Max. I say you sha'n't! I will be king in my own house. Grace. Do, my dear uncle ;-you shall be king, and I'll be your prime minister,—that is, I'll rule, and you shall have the honor of taking the consequences. [Exit, L. Lady G. Well said, Grace; have your own way; it is the only thing we women ought to be allowed. |