Lady G. [aside.] Ha ha! Yoicks! Puss has broken cover.

Sir H. Speak, adored, dearest Lady Gay— speak-will you fly from the tyranny, the wretched misery of such a monster's roof, and accept the soul which lives but in your presence?

Lady G. Do not press me. Oh, spare a weak, yielding woman-be contented to know that you are, alas! too dear to me. But the world-the world would say

Sir H. Let us be a precedent, to open a more extended and liberal view of matrimonial advantages to society.

Lady G. How irresistible is your argument! Oh! pause!

Sir H. I have ascertained for a fact, that every tradesman of mine lives with his wife, and thus you see it has become a vulgar and plebeian custom.

Lady G. Leave me; I feel I cannot withstand your powers of persuasion. Swear that you will

never forsake me.

Sir H. Dictate the oath. May I grow wrinkled-may two inches be added to the circumference of my waist-may I lose the fall in my back -may I be old and ugly the instant I forego one tithe of adoration!

Lady G. I must believe you.

Med. Will you be kind enough, without any prevarication, to answer my questions? Span. You alarm-I

Med. Compose yourself and reserve your feelings; take time to consider. You have a wife? Span. Yes

Med. He has a wife-good-a bona-fide wife— bound morally and legally to be your wife, and nobody else's in effect, except on your written permission

Span. But what has this

Med. Hush! allow me, my dear sir, to congratulate you. [Shakes his hand.

Span. What for?

Med. Lady Gay Spanker is about to dishonor the bond of wedlock by eloping from you. Span. [starting.] What?

Med. Be patient-I thought you would be overjoyed. Place the affair in my hands, and I will venture to promise the largest damages on record.

Span. Damn the damages! I want my wife. Oh, I'll go and ask her not to run away. She may run away with me she may hunt-she may ride-anything she likes. Oh, sir, let us put a stop to this affair.

Lady G. The sooner the better; to-morrow evening let it be. Now let me return; my absence will be remarked. [He kisses her hand.] Do I appear confused? Has my agitation rendered me unfit to enter the room?

Sir H. More angelic by a lovely tinge of heightened color.

Lady G. To-morrow, in this room, which opens on the lawn.

Sir H. At eleven o'clock.

Lady G. Have your carriage in waiting, and four horses. Remember, please be particular to have four; don't let the affair come off shabbily. Adieu, dear Sir Harcourt! [Exit, L. Sir H. Veni, vidi, vici! Hannibal, Cæsar, Napoleon, Alexander never completed so fair a conquest in so short a time. She dropped fascinated. This is an unprecedented example of the irresistible force of personal appearance combined with polished address. Poor creature! how she loves me! I pity so prostrating a passion, and ought to return it. I will; it is a duty I owe to society and fashion. [Exit, L.

Med. [turns the chair round.] "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune." This is my tide-I am the only witness. "Virtue is sure to find its own reward." But I've no time to contemplate what I shall be something huge. Let me see-Spanker versus Courtly-Crim. Con. Damages placed at 150,000 pounds at least, for juries always decimate your hopes.

Enter SPANKER, L.

Span. I cannot find Gay anywhere.

Med. The plaintiff himself-I must commence the action. Mr. Spanker, as I have information of deep, vital importance to impart, will you take a seat? [They sit solemnly. MEDDLE takes out a note-book and pencil.] Ahem! You have a wife? Re-enter LADY GAY behind, L.

Span. Yes, I believe, I

Span. Oh, what an ass I am! Oh, I have driven her to this. It was all that damned brandy punch on the top of Burgundy. What a fool I was!

Med. It was the happiest moment of your life. Span. So I thought at the time; but we live to grow wiser. Tell me, who is the vile seducer? Med. Sir Harcourt Courtly.

Span. Ha! he is my best friend.

Med. I should think he is. If you will accompany me-here is a verbatim copy of the whole transaction in short-hand-sworn to by me.

Span. Only let me have Gay back again. Med. Even that may be arranged; this way. Span. That ever I should live to see my wife run away. Oh, I will do anything-keep two packs of hounds-buy up every horse and ass in England-myself included. Oh!

[Exit SPAN. and MED., L.

Lady G. Ha! ha ha! Poor Dolly! I'm sorry I must continue to deceive him. If he would kindle up a little. So, that fellow overheard all—well, so much the better.

Enter YOUNG COURTLY, R. Young C. My dear madame, how fares the plot? Does my governor nibble?

Lady G. Nibble! he is caught and in the basket. I have just left him with a hook in his gills, panting for very lack of element. But how goes on your encounter?

Young C. Bravely. By a simple ruse, I have discovered that she loves me. I see but one chance against the best termination I could hope. Lady G. What is that?

Young C. My father has told me that I return to town again to-morrow afternoon.

Lady G. Well, I insist you stop and dine-keep out of the way.

Young C. Oh, but what excuse shall I offer for disobedience? What can I say when he sees me before dinner?

Lady G. Say-say Grace.

Enter GRACE, L., and gets behind the curtains. Young C. Ha! ha!

Lady G. I have arranged to elope with Sir Harcourt myself to-morrow night.

Young C. The deuce you have!

Lady G. Now, if you could persuade Grace to follow that example-his carriage will be waiting at the Park; be there a little before eleven, and it will just prevent our escape. Can you make her agree to that?

Young C. Oh, without the slightest difficulty, if Mr. Augustus Hamilton supplicates. Lady G. Success attend you. [Going. Young C. I will bend the haughty Grace. Do. [Exeunt severally.

Lady G.

Grace.

Will you?

Cool. Sir Harcourt!

Sir H. Is my chariot in waiting?

Cool. For the last half hour at the park wicket. But, pardon the insinuation, sir; would it not be more advisable to hesitate a little for a short reflection before you undertake the heavy responsibility of a woman?

Sir H. No; hesitation destroys the romance of a faux pas, and reduces it to the level of a mere mercantile calculation.

Cool. What is to be done with Mr. Charles? Sir H. Ay, much against my will, Lady Gay prevailed on me to permit him to remain. You, Cool, must return him to college. Pass through London, and deliver these papers; here is a small notice of the coming elopement for the Morning Post; this, by an eye-witness, for the Herald; this, with all the particulars, for the Chronicle; and the full and circumstantial account for the evening journals after which, meet us at Boulogne.

Cool. Very good, Sir Harcourt. [Going. Sir H. Lose no time. Remember-Hotel Anglais, Boulogne-sur-Mer. And, Cool, bring a few copies with you, and don't forget to distribute some amongst very particular friends. Cool. It shall be done.

[Exit, L.

Sir H. "With what indifference does a man of the world view the approach of the most perilous catastrophe! My position, hazardous as it is, entails none of that nervous excitement which a neophyte in the school of fashion would feel. I am as cool and steady as possible. Habit, habit! Oh! how many roses will fade upon the cheek of beauty, when the defalcation of Sir Harcourt Courtly is whispered-then hinted at last, con firmed and bruited. I think I see them. Then,

Sir H.

Impossible!

Lady G. Sir H. waits.

Let

Where do you intend to take me? You shall be my guide. The carriage

Lady G. You will never desert me? Sir H. Desert! Oh, Heavens! Nay, do not hesitate flight, now, alone is left to your desperate situation! Come, every moment is laden with danger. [They are going. Lady G. Oh! gracious! Sir H. Hush! what is it? Lady G.

I have forgotten-I must return. Sir H. Impossible!

Lady G. I must! I must! I have left Maxa pet staghound-in his basket, without whom life would be unendurable--I could not exist!

Sir H. No, no! Let him be sent after us in a hamper.

Lady G. In a hamper! Remorseless man! Go -you love me not. How would you like to be sent after me--in a hamper? Let me fetch him. Hark! I hear him squeal! Oh! Max, Max!

Sir H. Hush for Heaven's sake.

imagine you're calling the squire. I hear footThey'll [Goes up, R. steps; where can I retire?

Enter MEDDLE, SPANKER, DAZZLE and MAX, L. LADY GAY screams.

Med. Spanker versus Courtly! I subpoena every one of you as witnesses! I have 'em ready here they are-shilling a-piece.

[Giving them round. Lady G. Where is Sir Harcourt? Med. There!-bear witness!-call on the vile delinquent for protection! Span. Oh his protection! Lady G. What? ha!

Med. I'll swear I overheard the whole elopement
planned-before any jury-where's the book?
Span. Do you hear, you profligate ?
Lady G. Ha ha! Ha! ha!

Daz. But where is this wretched Lothario?
Med. Ay, where is the defendant?
Span. Where lies the hoary villain?
Lady G. What villain?

Span. That will not serve you!-I'll not be blinded that way!

Med. We won't be blinded any way!

Mar. I must seek Sir Harcourt, and demand an explanation! Such a thing never occurred in Oak Hall before! It must be cleared up! [Exit, R.

Med [aside to SPANKER.] Now, take my advice; remember your gender. Mind the notes I have given you.

Daz. [sealing letter, &c., with SPANKER'S seal.] My dear Lady Gay, matters of this kind are indigenous to my nature, independently of their pervading fascination to all humanity; but this is the more especially delightful, as you may perceive I shall be the intimate and bosom friend of both parties.

Lady G. Is it not the only alternative in such a case?

Daz. Oh! I smell powder!-command my services. My dear madame, can I be of any use? Span. Oh! a challenge! I must consult my legal adviser.

Med. No impossible!

Daz. Pooh! the easiest thing in life! Leave it to me. What has an attorney to do with affairs of honor?-they are out of his element. Med. Compromise the question? nose!-we have no objection to that. Daz. [turning to LADY GAY.] Well, we have no objection either-have we?

Pull his

Lady G. No!-pull his nose-that will be something.

Med. And, moreover, it is not exactly actionable!

Daz. Isn't it?-thank you-I'll note down that piece of information-it may be useful.

Med. How! cheated out of my legal knowledge? Lady G. Mr. Spanker, I am determined! I insist upon a challenge being sent to Sir Harcourt Courtly-and-mark me--if you refuse to fight him I will.

Med. Don't! Take my advice-you'll incapacit

Lady G. Look you, Mr. Meddle, unless you wish me to horsewhip you, hold your tongue. Med. What a she-tiger! I shall retire and collect my costs. [Exit, L. Lady G. Mr. Spanker, oblige me by writing as I dictate.

Span. He's gone-and now I am defenseless! Is this the fate of husbands? A duel! Is this the result of becoming master of my own family? Lady G. "Sir, the situation in which you were discovered with my wife, admits neither of explanation nor apology."

Span. Oh, yes! but it does-I don't believe you really intended to run quite away.

Lady G. You do not; but I know better, I say I did! and if it had not been for your unfortunate interruption, I do not know where I might have been by this time. Go on.

Span. Nor apology." I'm writing my own death-warrant, committing suicide on compulsion. Lady G. "The bearer will arrange all preliminary matters; for another day must see this sacrilege expiated by your life, or that of

"Yours very sincerely, DOLLY SPANKER." Now, Mr. Dazzle. [Gives it over his head. Daz. The document is as sacred as if it were a hundred pound bill.

Lady G. We trust to your discretion. Span. His discretion! Oh, put your head in a tiger's mouth, and trust to his discretion!

case. [Going-returns.] By the way, where would you like this party of pleasure to come off? Open-air shooting is pleasant enough, but if I might venture to advise, we could order half-adozen of that madeira and a box of cigars into the billiard-room, so make a night of it; take up the irons every now and then, string for first shot, and blaze away at one another in an amicable and gentlemanlike way; so conclude the matter before the potency of the liquor could disturb the individuality of the object, or the smoke of the cigars render the outline dubious. Does such an arrangement coincide with your views? Lady G. Perfectly!

Daz. I trust shortly to be the harbinger of happy tidings. [Exit, L. Span. [coming forward.] Lady Gay Spanker, are you ambitious of becoming a widow?

Lady G. Why, Dolly, woman is at best but weak, and weeds become me.

Span. Female! am I to be immolated on the altar of your vanity?

Lady G. If you become pathetic, I shall laugh. Span. Farewell-base, heartless, unfeeling woman! [Exit, L.

Lady G. Ha! well, so I am. I am heartless, for he is a dear, good little fellow, and I ought not to play upon his feelings; but, 'pon my life, he sounds so well up to concert pitch, that I feel disinclined to untune him. Poor Doll, I didn't think he cared so much about me. I will put him out of pain. [Exit L. SIR HARCOURT comes down.

Sir H. I have been a fool! a dupe to my own vanity. I shall be pointed at as a ridiculous old coxcomb-and so I am. The hour of conviction is arrived. Have I deceived myself? Have I turned all my senses inwards-looking towards self-always self?-and has the world been ever laughing at me? Well, if they have, I will revert the joke;-they may say I am an old ass, but I will prove that I am neither too old to repent my folly, nor such an ass as to flinch from confessing it. A blow half met is but half felt.

Enter DAZZLE, L.

Daz. Sir Harcourt, may I be permitted the honor of a few minutes' conversation with you? Sir H. With pleasure.

Daz. Have the kindness to throw your eye over that. [Gives letter. Sir H. [reads.] "Situation-my wife-apology-expiate-my life." Why, this is intended for a challenge.

Daz. Why, indeed, I am perfectly aware that it is not quite en regle in the couching, for with that I had nothing to do; but I trust that the irregularity of the composition will be confounded in the beauty of the subject.

Sir H. Mr. Dazzle, are you in earnest ?

Daz. Sir Harcourt Courtly, upon my honor I am, and I hope that no previous engagement will

Sir H. Sir, I shall avail myself of one of your relatives. [Aside.] One of the hereditaments of my folly-I must accept it. [Aloud.] Sir, I shall be happy to meet Mr. Spanker at any time or place he may appoint.

[Exit, L. Grace. Are you really in earnest ? Lady G. Do you think it looks like a joke? Oh! Dolly, if you allow yourself to be shot, I will never forgive you-never! Ah! he is a great fool, Grace! but, I can't tell why, I would sooner lose my bridle hand than he should be hurt on my account.

Enter SIR HARCOURT, L.

Re-enter MAX with GRACE, R. Max. Give ye joy, girl, give ye joy. Sir Harcourt Courtly must consent to waive all title to your hand in favor of his son Charles.

Grace. Oh, indeed! Is that the pith of your congratulation-humph! the exchange of an old fool for a young one? Pardon me if I am not able to distinguish the advantage.

Max. Advantage!

Grace. Moreover, by what right am I a transferable cypher in the family of Courtly? So, then, my fate is reduced to this, to sacrifice my fortune, or unite myself with a worm-eaten edition of the classics!

Max. Why, he certainly is not such a fellow as I could have chosen for my little Grace; but consider, to retain fifteen thousand a-year! Now, tell me honestly—but why should I say honestly? Speak, girl, would you rather not have the lad? Grace. Why do you ask me?

Max. Why, look ye, I'm an old fellow; another hunting season or two, and I shall be in at my own death. I can't leave you this house and land, because they are entailed, nor can I say I'm sorry for it, for it is a good law; but I have a little box with my Grace's name upon it. where, since your father's death and miserly will, I have yearly placed a certain sum to be yours, should you refuse to fulfill the conditions prescribed. Grace. My own dear uncle!

[Clasping him round the neck. Max. Pooh! pooh! what's to do now? Why, it was only a trifle-why, you little rogue, what are you crying about?

Grace.

Nothing, but—

Max. But what? Come, out with it; will you have young Courtly?

myself.

[Exit, L. Grace. Oh! Sir Harcourt, what has happened? Sir H. Don't be alarmed, I beg your uncle interrupted us-discharged the weapons-locked the challenger up in the billiard-room to cool his rage. Grace. Thank Heaven!

Sir H. Miss Grace, to apologise for my conduct were useless, more especially as I am confident that no feelings of indignation or sorrow for my late acts are cherished by you; but still, reparation is in my power, and I not only waive all title, right or claim to your person or your fortune, but freely admit your power to bestow them on a more worthy object.

Grace. This generosity, Sir Harcourt, is most unexpected. Sir H.

justice!

Grace.
Sir H.

No, not generosity, but simply justice,

May I still beg a favor?

Claim anything that is mine to grant. Grace. You have been duped by Lady Gay Spanker, I have also been cheated and played upon by her and Mr. Hamilton-may I beg that the contract between us may, to all appearances, be still held good?

Sir H. Certainly, although I confess I cannot see the point of your purpose.

Enter MAX with YOUNG COURTLY, L. Max. Now, Grace, I have brought the lad. Grace. Thank you, uncle, but the trouble was quite unnecessary-Sir Harcourt holds to his original contract.

Max. The deuce he does!

Grace. And I am willing-nay, eager, to become Lady Courtly.

Young C. [aside.] The deuce you are!
Max. But, Sir Harcourt-

Sir H. One word, Max, for an instant.

[They retire, L. Young C. [aside.] What can this mean? Can it be possible that I have been mistakenthat she is not in love with Augustus Hamilton? Grace. Now we shall find how he intends to bend the haughty Grace.

Young C. Madame-Miss, I mean-are you really in earnest-are you in love with my father? Grace. No, indeed I am not.

Young C. Are you in love with any one else? Grace. No, or I should not marry him. Young C. Then you actually accept him as your real husband?

Grace. In the common acceptation of the word.