Alphonse. I must take a few days to consider. Marriage is a serious thing. San. You have tried to trifle with it, and you shall find it so. You shall not have a day, an hour, or a minute. Alphonse. Do you mean to say you will use force? San. I mean to say that if you have the bad taste to slight a lady who is-will be-your wife, I have the good taste to avenge an insult offered to one who is-was-mine. Alphonse. Look you, Citizen Sangfroid; if you had been reasonable, and had allowed me a little time for inquiry, it is quite possible that in a few days I might have accommodated you by taking your wife off your hands; but you will find that, although your opinion of me is very mean Pau. What in the world is the meaning of all this noise? San. The meaning is simply this-this gentleman, having deprived you of one husband, hesitates about fulfilling his promise of finding you another. Pau. [delighted.] Is it possible? San. Yes, but don't be uneasy, I'll find a way to make him. Alphonse. Make me? You little know me! San. And you'll discover presently how much you know about me. It may be true that the citizen Pauline is thoughtless, extravagant, romantic, silly— Pau. Now stop, that's quite enough. Sun. Very well; and that IAlphonse. I can tell you her opinion of you. You are a cold, dissembling, ironical, tyrannical husband. San. Holloa! holloa! where did you hear this? Alphonse. Never you mind. I'm not quite so simple as you imagine. I can see that this is all a trap-that you and your wife want to get rid of one another, and that I am to be made the scape-goat. San. [aside.] Confound the fellow, he's not quite such a fool as I thought. Pau. [to SANGFROID.] Blame yourself for this. Why did you say such things of me? Alphonse. Take it and welcome, but I'm not going to marry a woman who keeps other gentlemen's hair locked up in secret drawers. Pau. What in the world do you mean, sir? San. You see he'll say anything; but I must now ask you are you ready to marry this gentleman? Pau. Never; still I am free to admit that I am, in some sort, under obligation to him. He has taught me the difference between a hair-brained, frivolous, changeable, suspicious man, and a staid, intelligent, and useful member of society; and rather than marry him—I say, as he said-take my head. San. So I will; I won't have his, because I've got a better of my own, but the events of to-day have imparted to your countenance the only thing it wanted-expression. I therefore accept your head, but only to imprint upon it the kiss of reconciliation. [Kisses her forehead. Pau. I gave you my hand for my uncle's life. I offer you my heart for my own; I will even, with your leave, add my thanks for saving-[Looking at ALPHONSE]-a much less valuable life than either. [They laugh at him. Alphonse. Oh! laugh away, by all means, if you are satisfied-I am sure I ought to be. I have got not only my life, but that which all Paris is running after-my liberty. Pau. But how about my rival? San. [presenting the bouquet.] You have no rival. You have been, and are, sole mistress of this, my heart. You have been, and will be, sole mistress of this, my house. Pau. Then it shall be my endeavor so to conduct it that my claims for approbation shall rest upon strong as well as upon DELICATE GROUND. THE END. COSTUMES-MODERN. THE NEW YORK DRAMA A CHOICE COLLECTION OF COMEDIES, WITH CASTS OF CHARACTERS, STAGE BUSINESS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, &C., ADAPTED TO THE HOME CIRCLE, PRIVATE THEATRICALS, AND THE AMERICAN STAGE. NO. 5. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, by WHEAT & CORNETT, in the Office THE VOL. 1. Aug. You Iwish scoundwel! what the devil are you 'bout. Teddy. I beg your pardon, ma'am, [to ARA PERSECUTED DUTCHMAN BELLA,] but my parquisites occupied the edica tional part of my sight and parpindicular. Enter PERSEVERANCE, PLENTIFUL, &c. Plen. Ah! travelers by the coach, I perceive. Aug. I say, landlord, your woads are uncommon dusty. Mrs. P. Perhaps the lady would choose some refreshment before she retires? Aug. Arabella, love, what say you, dear? Mrs. P. If the lady will step with me, I will show her an apartment. Ara. Yes, thank'ee, I'm very much fatigued. Aug. In the meantime I should like to say a word to the landlord. Ara. Gussy dear, don't stay from me long. EXITS AND ENTRANCES.-R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. RELATIVE POSITIONS.-R. means Right: L. Left; C. Centre; R. C. of your best wine. [Exit MRS. PLENTIFUL with SCENE I.-A Room in MR. PLENTIFUL'S Hotel. Ta- Teddy. [without.] Coming, ma'am ! ARABELLA, who kisses her hand to the HON. AUGUSTUS, who returns it.] I shan't be long, dear. dollar bill? It is the smallest I have 'bout me at By-the-bye, landlord, have you change for a fifty present. Plen. No, sir, I have not; but I will endeavor to procure it for you. Aug. Thank you; you will oblige me vastly. [Exit PLENTIFUL, R. 1 E.] Well, 'pon my soul, I hope he will get the change for my bad fifty dollar bill. I have gone to a great deal of trouble to make love to a boarding-school miss. However, Mrs. P. Well, why don't you make haste? The her old dad, Captain Blowhard, has a cool fifty coach is at the door! Enter TEDDY, L. 1 E. thousand; and when I marry Miss Arabella, the old 'un's tin will repay me for all my trouble. Teddy. Here I am, ma'am. Y -a-w [Yawning. Enter MRS. PLENTIFUL with wine-sets it on Mrs. P. You lazy fellow! Why don't you go and look after the passengers? Teddy. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. P. Are you going? Look, sir; the travelers are getting out. Quick, see to their baggage! Teddy. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. P. Go along, then! [Pushes him towards door, 2 E. L. At the same time, enter HON. AUGUSTUS CLEARSTARCH, with MISS ARABELLA. TEDDY runs against the HON. AUGUSTUS. table, L. H. Mrs. P. Your wine, sir. Aug. Thank you. By-the-bye, landlady, wish you would order me an extra coach, as I have business in New York, and wish to reach there to-morrow morning. Mrs. P. The regular stage leaves to-morrow morning at nine o'clock. For an extra one I shall have to speak to my husband. Aug. Never mind; you need not trouble your excellent husband. I am very well satisfied with this comfortable hotel, and the lady-like deportment of the charming hostess. Mrs. P. Oh, sir! you flatter. Aug. Where there is truth there is no flattery. By-the-bye, landlady, your excellent husband could not procure the change for my fifty dollar bill. I should be eternally obliged to you if you would let me have, say ten or fifteen dollars, till I reach New York, and my fifty dollar bill you can retain as security. Mrs. P. I should be most happy to oblige you, but I have not the money about me. Perhaps my husband Aug. Oh, never mind; I'll not trouble him. You can order the extra stage, and say nothing about it. Mrs. P. I beg your pardon, sir; but an extra stage is ten dollars more. Aug. [aside.] Oh, the devil! a pretty business I've made of it! This comes of running away with a boarding-school miss. However, the fifty thousand will pay me for all. I have one good ten dollar note, and I must have a coach; so here goes. [Aloud.] Landlady, here is the ten dollars. [Gives money. Aside.] There goes the last ten dollars I have in the world! Mrs. P. Oh, thank you, sir! Aug. Not a word, madame. And at the same time, allow me to observe, I shall never patronize so mean and contemptible a place again. Mrs. P. What! not patronize so comfortable a hotel! Besides, the lady-like deportment of the charming hostess! Ha! ha! ha! [Exit MRS. PLENTIFUL, R. Aug. Confound the impudence of that woman! She takes the last ten dollars I have in the world, and defends herself with my false flattery. Never mind; I dare say Miss Arabella has some money about her. I forgot to question her as regards the extent of funds in her exchequer. Ah! here she comes. I shall soon know all. Enter ARABELLA, R. 1 E. Ara. Why, Gussy dear, what has kept you so long? Why, what's the matter? Are you not well? Never mind, Gussy dear; we will be much happier when we are married. Won't we, Gussy dear? Aug. Yes, dear, when we reach New York. Arabella dear, that landlord and landlady are very low people. They wouldn't change my fifty dollar bill, but took all the change I had. I only wanted a little to give the servants. Arabella dear, have you any change about you? Ara. Why, Gussy dear, papa never permits me to have money; and says, unless I marry cousin Soberly, not a shilling of his money shall I have. Aug. [aside.] Oh! the devil! I find I have done very wrong in enticing this young lady from school. Oh, yes; she should go back, by all means. Ara. Why, Gussy dear, are you not well? You have plenty of money, you know, and it's so much better marrying for love. Aug. [aside.] Is it, though? Ara. Come, Gussy dear, let us marry for love. [Taking his arm. Aug. [withdrawing.] Miss Blowhard, I find I have done you and your excellent papa much wrong in taking you from school, and the best thing you can do is to return-it is, indeed, 'pon my honor. Ara. Why, Gussy dear, won't we get married after all? Aug. No, I think not. I thought some person would share your papa's money, other than cousin Soberly. Ara. Gussy dear, won't you marry me? Aug. 'Twould be doing great injustice to your papa and yourself. You see, my dear, I would if I could; but I can't. Ara. But you shall, though! [Crying.] Oh! oh! oh! Aug. Don't cry, Ara. Why, you faced monkey! my dear; it's highly improper. ugly, horrid, villainous, cat[Drives him into .corner, L. Aug. Now, my dear, take my advice and go back to school. Ara. I'll tear your eyes out! Capt. [without.] Never mind, I'll find him. Aug. Hallo, the Captain's voice! You had better take my advice, and go to your papa. Ara. But I won't, though. I won't marry cousin Soberly, I'm determined. Boo! [Exit R. 1 E. HON. AUGUSTUS goes up to table, seats himself and drinks. Enter CAPTAIN BLOWHARD, L. 2 E. Capt. Ah! the scoundrel! the landshark! to rob me of my dear little Arabella! Only let me come across him, and, damn me, I'll [Sees HON. AUGUSTUS at table.] Hallo! who have we here? Perhaps this is the rascal. I say, sir! Aug. [aside.] Now for a little impudence. Aug. Ah! my dear sir, cid you remark? Capt. Yes, sir. I am here in search of the scoundrel who ran away with my daughter! Aug. Your daughter! Why, you haven't a daughter, have you? I congratulate you! [Takes CAPTAIN'S hand. Capt. [snatching it away.] No, sir! yes, sir! damn me, sir! And, if I am not mistaken, you are the rascally seducer! Aug. My dear and respected old gentleman, you do not suppose for a moment that I am the person who robbed you of your child. No, sir. Now, I remember, a person came to this house with your daughter, and, hearing you were in pursuit of him, he left immediately; and, leaving your daughter without a protector, I volunteered to accompany her to her home, and see her safely in her respected father's arms. Capt. You did, did you? Why, you damned, good-natured, noble-hearted, gentlemanly, wholesouled fellow, give me your hand. Ha! ha! ha! that I should suppose for a moment that you- Aug. [aside.] Should be the very man! [Aloud.] Ridiculous-ha! ha! Capt. Well, you remember the old saying, "Mistakes in the best-regulated families." I ask your pardon, sir. My name is Blowhard, and any service I can render you, you have only to name it. Aug. Now I think of it, it may be in your power to oblige me. The fact is, when I arrived here, I expected to find a remittance. Unfortunately, as yet, it has not come to hand. If you will let me have the small sum of fifty dollars till I arrive in New York, I shall be eternally grateful. Capt. Fifty dollars! With pleasure. Yes, sir, a hundred if you want it. Aug. [aside.] My luck! I should have made it a hundred. Capt. By-the-bye, Mr. don-what is your name? ah! I beg your par von ter firm of Schmidt, Vondunder, Kelt un Co., Aug. Sir, did you speak? Oh! my name. [Aside.] Capt. Well, then, Mr. Brown, I have not a fifty, Aug. Capital joke-ha! ha! [Poking him. Capt. Sh-h! ha! ha! ha! [Seriously.] If I could lay my hand on the scoundrel, [places his hand on HON. AUGUSTUS,] I'd blow his brains out. Aug. You'd blow his brains out would you? Ha! ha ha! Well, Captain, I hope you'll excuse me ; I have business, and Capt. I say, Brown-remember, seven o'clock. Aug. [aside.] I will be seventeen miles away. [Aloud.] I'll not forget. I say, Captain, capital joke, wasn't it? ha! ha! ha! Good-bye. [Aside.] [Exit R. 1 E. Capt. Ah! that's a glorious chap! Now for my daughter. Damned old fool! Enter TEDDY, R. Teddy. If you plase, sir, there's a lady in the parlor that would spake wid ye. Capt. I'll be there in a moment. Teddy. All right. I'll tell the lady, after a while. [Exit L. Capt. That's her. And for that scoundrel, I'd give as much as I gave my friend Brown to lay eyes upon him. And Arabella-if she refuses to marry her cousin Soberly, I'll cut her off without a dollar. [Exit R. Schmidt. [without L. H.] Gone away! What you do? Teddy. [without L. H.] Well, sir, I want my parquisites. Enter SCHMIDT, followed by TEDDY. Schmidt. Gone te duyvel mit yourself. Teddy. What might your name be, sir? Schmidt. I am John Schmidt. Teddy. I thought John Smith was dead. Schmidt. No humbug! I am te original John Schmidt. Teddy. Well, Mr. Smith, I want my parquisites. [Goes to take carpet-bag. Schmidt. I vant some larger pier un spretselvon leetle glass dat ish not as much as tri cent. Teddy. A little glass, Mr. Smith? You have mouth enough to swallow a hogshead. [Exit TEDDY, R. Schmidt. Dat ish funny fellow. He drips up mine heels, un den he pegs mine bardon; un ven I ask him for tri cent glass larger bier, he say mine mouth is pig as hogshead mouth. Ven I vash leetle poy, as no pigger ash dat, ter gals say tat mine mouth ish burty, un mine frow say tat mine mouth ish burty, un by dinks I dink so, too. Enter MRS. PLENTIFUL, with beer. Schmidt. Vot vilst too haben vor tat? Schmidt. Yaw! Ter ish five cent-I vill haben. two cent change. Mrs. P. Very well, sir; I will send the change. Schmidt. Landlady, have you got von leetle bit onion tat ish notinks, tat you will give to me mitout any charges? I'll Mrs. P. Well, that certainly is meanness. see, sir, and send the change by Perseverance. Schmidt. Landlady, I have gone to sleepen dill ter-morrow morning. Vot you ask for un bed? Mrs. P. Fifty cents, Schmidt. Fifty cent! my Got un hemmel! Why, I gets un bed in Chatham street, Nie Yoricke, for swelve un a half cent. Mrs. P. You will remember, sir, you are not in New York; and if you obtain a bed here, fifty cents will be the charge. Schmidt. Landlady, I don't mean ter bed; I only vant sometinks to lay down mit, un shut mine eyes open-sometinks dat cost not ash moch ash fifty cent. Mrs. P. There is a room next-to my own, which is not occupied, you can have for fifty cents. I'll send your change immediately. Schmidt. Landlady-two cent change. Mrs. P. I remember-two cents. That is the meanest man I ever saw. [Exit R. Schmidt. Fifty cent for von ped! Tat ish enough to set up von saving bank, un many saving bank hash got not ash moch as dat. Enter PERSEVERANCE, with onion. Per. Here is your onion. Schmidt. Tat ish nice leetle gal. I have got un boy tat ish un gal; she ish 'pout your age, if she ish older ash you. Per. Why, sir, I am not a little girl-I am nineteen. Per. Make me a present, sir?-what? Schmidt. You can't steal mine garpet-bags. Teddy. Ye's lying-under a mistake. Schmidt. You tell me I'm lie, I vill blow your nose off. [Squares himself-puts down carpet-bagTEDDY takes it up. SCHMIDT scuffles with him. Schmidt. Never mind; you are nice, good gal, TEDDY trips him he falls on stage with carpet-un wen I goes away, I will make you un present. bag in his arms.] Oh, mine bump! If mine vrow have seen you drip up mine heels von top tis floor, un bang mine bump, she would give you te devil. I will have te constobber to take you mit te bostoffice. [TEDDY helps him up. Teddy. I hope you're not hurt, sir. You're mistaken; I'm the servant. [Brushes him off.] I beg your pardon, sir. Per. Thank you, sir; we ask double for that. Schmidt. [at table.] Tat was a burty leetle gal, un if she hadn't charges so moch, I would make Schmidt. You begs mine bardon. Vell, I don't her von present mit a kiss before I go. Tis onion Der ish mine hand. I am John Schmidt ish ash strong dat if you but him on top tis table care. tor tour. Mrs. P. I do not know, more than that he came here with this young lady, and has taken a room for the night. He endeavored to borrow fifteen dollars from me, but I wasn't fool enough to lend it. Capt. But I was, though. Have you a good stout horse-whip? Mrs. P. Yes, sir. [Goes to wing and gets whip, gives it to CAPTAIN.] There, sir. Capt. This shall draw from him the satisfaction for five minute, he jumps all round so moch ash Sob. Did you loan your money to a perfect like ter spirit-knockers. [Drinking beer.] Damn stranger? dat! Dis ish nix larger-dis good for nix. Never Capt. Yes, sir! Well, sir! what is it to you, mind, I drink him-I have paid tri cent for him, sir? Damn me! Here, landlady! and I will drink him for revenge. [Brings chair Enter MRS. PLENTIFUL, R. down, sits c.-business with onion.] Now I will see what John Schmidt, von ter firm of Schmidt, Landlady, who is that rascally scoundrel with the Vondunder, Kelt un Co., have done mit his collec- mustaches and fur coat? Tis ish mine accounter book. [Takes out book.] I have but down ter customers who have bought shoe thread un nunder tinks von ter firm of Schmidt, Vondunder, Kelt un Co. Terish John Schmidt-he can't pay his bill because he have got no money. Dat ish ter lie. Johannes Von Skelter he can't pay his bill because his frow ish tead. I guess I get him when he get anunder von. Christopher Koons he can't pay his bill because his frow ish not tead. I get paid dat when she kick von large bucket. Peter Funk-he can't pay his bill dill he get a new stock. By tam, dat will never be. Peter Funk is a tam rascal. Honnes Von Hop-un-nof-fes-hung-gel-es-sen-hel-stum- right through the gizzard. kim-mell-pons can't pay his bill because he have gone to California. Dat ish good for nix. To save five tollar a week, what I have pay mine clerk un I discharge, I have come on tish collector tour, un by dinks, mine expense have been much more ash I have collect. Never mind; I will have un good night's sleepen, un den I will go to Nie Yoricke. I will never collect mit mineself again. After I fine dat John Schmidt have no money, (dat ish not| me,) un Von Skelter's frow ish tead, un Christopher Koons' frow ish not tead, un Peter Funk has got no new stock, un Honnes Von Hop-un-nof-feshung-gel-hel-stum-kim-mel-pons has gone to California-no, by dinks, I will never been a collector. Now, good-night, un I will gone to sleepen. [Exit. SCENE II. A Room in MRS. PLENTIFUL'S Hotel. Ara. To be sure, cousin Soberly, I am very grateful; but he was handsome. Ara. And those darling whiskers Sob. No more, Arabella. He was a villain. He thought only of your money. I love you for yourself alone. Name the happy day that will make you mine forever. Ara. Cousin Soberly, how would I look as Mrs. Soberly, and the mother of a lot of little Soberly's? Enter CAPTAIN BLOWHARD, L. Capt. Soberly, everything is prepared; and before long these quarters will be too hot to hold the scoundrel. I will let him know that I am not to be insulted with impunity. First, I tea with your protector, Mr. Brown. Ara. Papa, to whom do you allude? Capt. Mr. Brown, the gentleman with the mustaches, and [describes coat] who rescued you from that villain. Ara. La, papa! that's not Mr. Brown. That is the Hon. Augustus Clearstarch, and those dear mustaches that charmed me so! Capt. The scoundrel! Why, I have asked him to tea, and loaned him a hundred dollars, beside. Capt. Landlady, show me the room. I'll draw from him a confession, and you, Soberly, blow him [Exeunt R. to the devil! SCENE III.-A Chamber in 4th Grooves. Door R. 2 E.-bed C.-fireplace R. 3 E.-window L. U. Table, lighted candle, L. of bed—chair—slippers under bed-boot-jack under table-large hogshead above fireplace-tormentor doors closed. E. Enter SCHMIDT, L., with carpet-bag. Schmidt. Aha! Dere, by dinks, dis ish von goot room, un der ish some bed, vot nobody have gone to sleepen mit. Now, dis ish nice-better ash any bed dat I have layed down on top of myself. Now I will dake off mine boots von top mine feet. [Takes off boots, whistling. Enter TEDDY, singing “St. Patrick was a Gentleman"-takes SCHMIDT's boots, and is going off. Hallo, you Irishman! vot you do mit mine boots? Teddy. You want your boots blacked, and I want my parquisites. Schmidt. If you don't put down mine boots down, I will blow out your prains out mit dis poot-jack. Teddy. Bedad, I'm not to be robbed of my parquisites, Mr. Smith; and on the payment of six and a quarter cents in the morning, you can have your boots. Schmidt. You devil Irishman! You steal mine poots un I will put you on top ter Tombs ven I come to Nie Yoricke. Come back, you Irishman. Teddy. Nix cum a rouse! Are you Smith, the blacksmith? Nix cum a rouse in a Dutchman's house. This will do for my parquisites, Mr. John Schmidt. [Exit with boots, L. 1 E. Schmidt. Nix cum a rouse in a Dutchman's house! Devil Irishman! Mr. Schmidt have lost his wig un save his bacon. He have gone. Never mine; I can get mine boots when daylight has come. Nix cum a rouse! I will like mine frow to catch him, un give him somedinks what she give me sometimes. Now I will prepare vor mine sleepen. [Gets cap out of carpet-bag, takes off coat and waistcoat, hangs them on chair-puts on cap— takes candle-looks under bed.] I will be sure ter ish no thieves. [Takes pillow off-shakes and examines it.] I don't want some company in bed mit |