SCENE III.-The Plains of Phillippi. Another Even for that our love of old, I pray thee Enter FLAVIUS, TITINIUS, SERVIUS, STANDARDS Fla. [R.] Run, ho! Tell Antony Brutus is ta'en. [Flourish of trumpets. Fla. Brutus is ta'en, my lord; Brutus is ta'en. Tit. [L. C.] Safe, Antony; Brutus is safe enough: The gods defend him from so great a shame! Give him all kindness: I had rather have It is a deed in fashion. Hark thee, Lucius. [Whispering to LUCIUS. Luc. What, I, my lord? No, not for all the Bru. Peace, then, no words. Bru. Come hither, good Metellus: [METELLUS The ghost of Cæsar hath appeared to me Met. Brutus! not so. Bru. Nay, I am sure it is. Thou see'st the world, Metellus, how it goes. Luc. Fly, fly, my lord! there is no tarrying here. Bru. Farewell to you; and you; and you, Metellus ; Countrymen, My heart doth joy that yet, in all my life, [They withdraw to a little distance, L.. U. E. Luc. Look, he meditates. Met. Now is that noble vessel full of grief, Bru. This was the justest cause that ever men Enter, R., OCTAVIUS, ANTONY, TITINIUS, SERVI- Oct. What man is that? Tit. [R.] 'Tis Brutus' man. Where is thy mas- Luc. Free from the bondage you are in, Titinius; And no man else hath honor by his death. Tit. So Brutus should be found. I thank thee, That thou hast proved Titinius' saying true. Oct. All that served Brutus, I will entertain them. Ant. Within my tent his bones to-night shall lie, So call the field to rest, and let's away, [Flourish of martial instruments. Exeunt. gether; THE END. COSTUMES. JULIUS CESAR.-Scarlet toga, buff hose, scarlet sandals. buff hose and black sandals. Second dress: Scarlet and gold Roman uniforms. LICTORS.-Scarlet Roman costume, trimmed with orange. 'PLEBEIANS.-Drab and brown common dresses. CALPHURNIA.-White and silver. BRUTUS, and all the Conspirators.-First dress: White toga, | PORTIA-White and gold, with a scarlet robe. That which pleases long, and pleases many, must possess some merit."-DR. JOHNSON. THE NEW YORK DRAMA TRAGEDIES, A CHOICE COLLECTION OF COMEDIES, WITH FARCES, ETC.. CASTS OF CHARACTERS, STAGE BUSINESS, COSTUMES, Relative Positions, &c., ADAPTED TO THE HOME CIRCLE, PRIVATE THEATRICALS, AND THE AMERICAN STAGE. NO. 6. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, by WHEAT & CORNETT, in the Office VOL. 1. worker-a moneymorenac I believe they calls 'em. THE PLAGUE OF MY LIFE: Mrs. Jukes said as how they must go a-farming. A Farce, in One Act. BY ILLION DAVEAU. Samuel Jukes... Dickey Oxx.... Neighbor Cremely. Loftus Boast... Mrs. Loftus Boast. Selina Cremely.. CHARACTERS. An Amateur Farmer. ..Jukes' Father-in-Law. ...Jukes' Mother-in-Law. A Woman of much Work. A Poetical Maiden of doubtful years. Betty........A Servant who is Farming out Plans for the Future. EXITS AND ENTRANCES.-R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door: L. D. Left Door; S. E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door. RELATIVE POSITIONS.-R. means Right; L. Left; C. Centre; R. C. Well, Mr. Jukes went and done it, just to please her, though he don't know anything about it-he leaves all to me. Betty, if I had his money, I wouldn't let no Mrs. Jukes martyrize me. Look at him now! what a life his'n is, what with being hen-pickled Betty. Hen-pecked, Dicky. Dick. Well, never mind; one be as bad as t'other. And then she's always throwing her relations at his head, because they are more 'ristocratic than his'n. I tell you what, Betty, one's relations are a hard thing to digest. I like 'em a good way off-the further the better. Betty. You be a fylosepher, Dicky. Betty. Why, a man who tries to make people be Right Centre: L. C. Left Centre, &c. The reader is supposed to be on the lieve he knows more nor anybody else. SCENE. A Picturesque Landscape, forming a part of the Farm of JUKES, at Gossipville; supposed to be situated near a Railroad Station. A wooden fence runs across the stage at back, with a rough though neat gate, which is closed by a ball and chain; a rustic bench R. 1 E., placed diagonally, with its back to house. The house standing L. covering the two first entrances; through a window on L. of door is seen a neatly furnished room, with a well-stocked library case, table, &c. An arbor R. 2 E., &c., the whole bearing the air of an opulent farm. Ground cloth down. As curtain rises BETTY enters from house, carry-¦ ing a milk pail. Betty. [speaking off L.] Hurry indeed, mum! it's hurry from morning till night! [Comes down.] I. never seed sich a missus afore; why, it be worser nor slavery-"Betty, do this! Betty, do that! now, that ain't right-will you never learn? oh! you lazy hussy! can't you hurry?" [Enter DICKY by gate and comes down to BETTY'S R., unperceived by her.] I won't stand it no longer, I won't. [Stamps in a rage. Dick. What be the rumpus, Betty? Betty. Rumpus, indeed! why, things in this house be getting worser and worser. I don't have an hour to myself from one week to t'other. It's shameful, it is! Dick. Yes, that it be, Betty. Mrs. Jukes be a good-hearted woman, if she has her own way and she generally does--but then she's a regular Dick. No, I be'nt such a fool as I look; but Dick. Why, the-the happy day. Dick. [nervously.] I mean-that is-I refer to the time when we-you and me-be tied together like a bundle of sparrow-grass! SO. Betty. [evasively.] Oh, crickey! don't flurry one You be the most impatient sweetheart what I ever did see! Dearie me, you're at it ten times a day, you fluster one so that-that Dick. [kissing her.] A kiss seals the bargain. You are to me— Mrs. J. [within.] A brazen lazy hussy, that's what she is! Enter MRS. JUKES from house in a rage; her Mrs. J. What milk! what have you in that pail if it isn't any female woman with more nor two hands; but them the cholera has broken out-the cows have I knows some who talks as if they had ten the measles-the dogs the pip, and that the tongues! [Runs off R. U. E. chickens have given ninety-nine unassuming Mrs. J. [throwing rolling-pin after her.] The farmers the hydrophobia! I'll telegraph at once hussy! the-oh! [Seeing DICKY, who comes down Mrs. J. Why, you fool-ha! ha! ha! it's too R. C.] Well, if I ever! Here's another lazy one. late, they'd never get it-thank goodness! Well, sir, what are you doing? Dick. [scratching his head.] Nothin', mum! Mrs. J. So I see, you lazy lout! What are you staring at, sir ? Dick. [innocently.] Nothin', mum! Mrs. J. [furiously.] Do you mean to insinuate that I am nothing? Dick. Oh, no, mum; you be two rolled into one. Ho! ho! ho! [Exit through gate c. Mrs. J. The lazy, impertinent set! The more I do, the more I have to do. There's that morose husband of mine, forever croaking about the expense of farming, and slandering my dear pa and ma. Then there's that old maiden sister of Cremely's, with her everlasting preaching about the "uncongeniality of married life," and poetical quotations, who will monopolize Juke's spare moments, and-ah! yes-certainly, now I think of it, why are they so much together? I don't like it! I shall keep my eye open-yes, I'll keep my two eyes open! Enter JUKES, through gate, in a great rage, crumpling a letter in his hand; he comes down and 66 stares at MRS. J. Mrs. J. Well? Jukes. Well! no, it's not well-it's the reverse of well. Mrs. Jukes, the sponging authors of your existence have sent me another specimen of their confounded chirography. They inform me that they intend to "come up" by the 1.10 train! I wish they'd go down to-well, never mind where. Mrs. J. [in glee.] Oh, I'm so glad! Jukes. [morosely.] Of course you are, and there we differ. Listen to the very erudite phrases penned by that eccentric individual called your pa!" [Reads.] "We intend to come up to inhale the refrigerant zephyrs of Gossipville. Mrs. Boast has had another attack of dyspepsia, and as our erudite adherent of Esculapius recommends her instant emigration to some therapeutic rural retreat in order to recuperate her nutrimental stamina-I have chosen the occiduous village of Gossipville, and the inexhaustible hospitality of my dear son-in-law Jukes. As we find it impos-! sible to remain with you more than three months, make no unnecessary preparations. Will be with you by two o'clock. Con amore.-BOAST." Now, Mrs. Jukes, with all respect to your pa and ma, Í emphatically swear, declare, and aver that they shall not "come up." [Pacing the stage furiously. Mrs. J. You brute! would you deny my dear parents a meal's victuals? Jukes. A meal's victuals! certainly not, if it did but stop there, but it don't; they are not well-bred enough to know when to stop. Mrs. J. I wish you knew when to stop, sir! You know my dear mamma has the dyspepsia, so thatJukes. I deny it! It is nothing more nor less than eupepsy-all gourmands have it. Mrs. J. [crying.] It isn't often they come up here. Jukes. Oh, no, they come up only once a year, and stay nine months out of twelve. But they shan't come now. I'll send a telegram-I'll tell Jukes. Mrs. J., the electric current is instantaneous. If we can receive a telegram from Europe several hours before they send it, I see no reason why your confounded parents should not receive one at a shorter distance. Mrs. J. Mr. J., now listen to me! If you do not treat my dear pa and ma with proper respect, then I'll Jukes. Well, you'll what? Mrs. J. [cooling down.] I know what I'll do! Jukes. [tauntingly.] Do you? It will be for the first time, then. Mrs. J. [violently.] Oh, you brute! You are [Aside.] Here comes that deceitful old maid! I'll go in and watch them through the blinds. [Exit into house after darting several severe glances at JUKES. Jukes. [solus.] I wonder what the penalty would be if I murdered my mother-in-law? Would any dozen of my intelligent fellow-citizens bring in a verdict of justifiable homicide? I should hope so! There are times when a man loses all selfcontrol. For instance, is it right, is it fair, that this terrible incubus of married life, a mother-inlaw, be allowed to disturb the serenity of a peaceful domicile? If my mother-in-law would see the propriety of quietly ensconcing herself in her twostory compartment, I would not complain-but she can't she won't. She must prowl about and dispense her vile influence amongst my household effects, its live stock and inhabitants. I'll put an end to it! i'll do something desperate! I don't say exactly what, for I don't exactly know, but nevertheless it will be something desperate! [Walks up and down violently and runs up against CREMELY, who enters with SELINA, R. 3 E. Cre. [in pain.] Eh! oh! mind what you're about, will you! You've crushed my flour-1 mean my corn, to farina! Jukes. [gazing at him bewildered.] Ah, yes-of course-pardon me! I thought it was them. Cre. Them! who? Jukes. [absently.] I thought they had come up! Sel. [affectedly.] Oh, brother, what uncongenial language! Cre. [hurt.] Don't turn up your nose at turnips, sir; they are an excellent vegetable. The man who has no love for turnips is-is-a-a Jukes. [half aside.] Fool! fool! that I have been! Cre. [hearing first part.] Eh? oh! well, you know best about that, so I will not contradict you. Jukes. [to himself.] Why did I leave the city, my club, and that pocket companion of man's liberty-the latch-key? Because I was fool enough to listen to the tempting voice of Mrs. J., who thought farming would give full scope to her brooms, brushes, and cleaning paraphernalia! Sel. [aside to CREMELY.] Brother, what is the matter with neighbor Jukes this morning? I declare, he quite slights us! Cre. [to her.] Oh, I suppose he has had some rumpus with his wife-kicked him out of bed, probably. [Aloud.] I say, neighbor, has anything gone wrong with your potatoes? Jukes. [peevishly.] Rot the potatoes! Cre. [interestedly.] The potatoes got the rot? that's unfortunate. Did you discover the cause? Jukes. [absently.] Grasshoppers! vermin! Cre. Eh! grasshoppers: why, I never heard that they Jukes. [breaking out.] Cremely, what a dunderheaded fellow you are! My wife's confounded parents have taken root in a desire to come up here and plant themselves in my house; but I'll prune, trim and graft their intentions, or you may set me down as a descendant of— Cre. [thinkingly.] Grasshoppers! Did you say grasshoppers Jukes. That I may whisper a question: you have often killed chickens, have you not? Cre. [not understanding.] Yes-that is-IJukes. [mysteriously.] I have never done it! I've seen it done! If I mistake not it is performed by a quick manipulation of the hand, thus-[imitates wringing a chicken's neck]—it seems satisfactory in the result. [Placing his fingers around CREMELY'S neck, much to his discomfiture.] Do you think it would hurt much? Cre. [trying to get away.] He's mad! I've noticed it coming on for some time! I'llJukes. [savagely.] I'll try it! Cre. [breaking away.] I'm damned if you do! Let go, you blood-thirsty farmer! He must be looked after, or he'll do a mischief! Jukes. Yes, and I'll say it again--social grass[Runs off R. 3 E. hoppers, who, with a hop-skip-and-jump, intrude Jukes. [looking after him. That respectable themselves into families and strive to immolate old turnip-grower evidently thinks there is someour domestic felicities upon the altar of mother-thing wrong! and he's right-there are several in-law-ism! things wrong-I'm wrong, consequently everySel. [affectedly.] Oh, Mr. Jukes, let not your body else is wrong. [Looks at watch.] Ah! two speech teem with uncongeniality, but rather make up your mind to exist cheerfully in your own little domestic world. If, as the poet truthfully says, "little birds in their little nests agree," then why cannot we? Jukes. [aside.] That old maid is a poetical fool. Cre. Neighbor, as my sister truly says, we should all get married, and Sel. [horrified.] Brother, I said nothing of the kind! Cre. Well, the sentiment was the same. You said we should all be bird like; did you ever see a bird without its mate? Eh? ha ha! ha! I had you there, sister-he! he! Sel. [with disgust.] Brother, you are rude in your comparisons. I will leave you and seek more congenial society--the communion with the [Flounces of R. 2 E. muses. Cre. [in a passion.] I wish you'd seek a hus- Cre. [endeavoring to break away.] Eh! why, Jukes. Did you ever have one? Cre. Certainly not; never having married, I don't well see how I could. Jukes. But suppose you were forced to have one-suppose you couldn't help it what would you do? Cre. Swallow it, of course. Jukes. [savagely.] What, swallow your motherin-law? Cre. [very nervous.] Eh! no; the misfortune, I mean. o'clock! and that train is due. I don't wish any- Boast. [without L. U. E.] Be careful with that trunk, you fellow! be careful! Confound the mosquitoes, how they bite! Enter MR. and MRS. BOAST through gate C., carrying trunk, under the weight of which he struggles, and RETTY with band-boxes, bundles, &c., all of which they place in front of house. Mrs. B. looking around.] Well, I declare, a nice welcome this! Are the folks all a-bed? Betty. [with a sneer.] No, mum; they be wide awake Boast. [solemnly.] Strike me eccentric! if this isn't the coolest reception I ever experienced. [To DICKY.] Is Jukes about? Dick. [with meaning.] Mr. Jukes be not about here, sir! Boast. with offended dignity. I know that. you consummate fool! Dick. Well, it be bad practice to ask a question when you be able to answer of it yourself. Boast. [angrily.] Why, you scoundrel! don't address me in such impertinent language, or I'll cane you! Dick. Spell able! Ho! ho! ho! [Runs up to gate. Mrs. B. [warmly. The saucy rascal! I see I'll have to overhaul the domestic affairs of this farm; and I'll begin by dispensing with the services of you two. Betty. Well, small loss it is. If you intend to stay here, I go; that's plain English! Mrs. B. [enraged.] Did I ever! Never mind, we'll see what we'll see! Betty. [pertly.] Of course we will; every fool knows that. [Goes up-aside to DICK.] I say, Dicky, did you ever? no, you never! Oh, won't we have our hands full ! Dick. I doubt that! They don't look like people as gives much. [Striking his pocket. Mrs. B. [calling at door of house.] Martha medicine stuff! Oh, dear! won't I have to work, Jane, are you in the house? if you're not, say so! now that old slave-driver is here! Never mind; MRS. JUKES screams within, and rushes out with it won't be for long; the next time Dicky Oxx her face very dirty; she has a stove-brush in pops the question I won't say "No!" one hand and a dirty cloth in the other; she attempts to embrace her mother. DICKY sits on trunk, and BETTY busy with bundles. Mrs. B. [repulsing her.] Are you crazy? in the house, and wash your face and hands. what a dirty thing she is! [Flounces into house. Boast. [comes down L. C. slapping his face.] Strike me eccentric! I never was so troubled by Go mosquitoes! [To JUKES, who advances moodily Oh, R. c.] Coming up the road, a whole regiment fastened upon me in such a rushing cloud that I really thought they would have carried me away. Jukes. [aloud.] Well, don't you have mosquitoes in the city? There were plenty when I lived there. Mrs. J. Oh, ma, never mind my looks; I have so much to do, and Jukes is so lazy. Why, pa, how do you do? I need not ask, for you look splendid! [Speaking quickly.] Oh, ma, do tell me, have you seen Miss Petts lately? How is Annie Squibbs Is Sally Earwig married yet? Has that hateful Miss Shoots got a beau? Is Augustus Linger gone to Paris? and— Boast. Strike. me eccentric! if the girl is not losing her intellect! Mrs. B. [tartly.] Where is your good-for-nothing husband? I vow this is shameful treatment! Enter JUKES, thoughtfully, through arbor, R. 2 E., sees them, and is about running off, when BOAST seizes him. Boast. Yes; but they don't bite so voraciously as here. Jukes. Well, probably they are not over-pleased at seeing you! We feed them well; they don't trouble us much. Boast. [aside.] Stike me eccentric! If this was not my son-in-law, I should say he was getting unpleasantly personal. [Aloud.] Well, I'm going to make myself at home. Jukes. [aside.] No doubt of it! Boast. And will therefore go in and unpack our trunks. I am sorry-very sorry we can't remain Boast. How-de-do, son-in-law? Here we are, with you longer than three months; but I'll have you see, ready to attack your provisions. Jukes. [savagely.] I don't doubt it! Mrs. B. [eyeing him.] What! you don't seem over-glad to see us! Jukes. Oh, I have got over being glad at anything. Boast. [fawningly.] Are we welcome? [BOAST goes to gate, and looks off. Mrs. B. [quizzing him.] I say, Mr. Jukes, why don't you get shaved? Your face looks for all the world like a scrubbing-brush. You had better call on your barber. to return in the "fall" to superintend my election as alderman. I trust you will not take offense at our staying so short a time? Jukes. [impatiently.] Oh, no, not in the least, I assure you! Boast. [not comprehending.] Eh? oh, yes; oh, certainly, I did not comprehend your meaning at first. Ha ha! Playful dog! clever fellow, very! au revoir! [Exit into house very familiarly, humming an operatic air. Jukes. [watching him in.] The mercury in the thermometer of my patience is fast rising to bloodheat, and that is ominous of coming danger. I Jukes. [with meaning.] Mrs. Boast, Gossipville m must get rid of these intruders! but how? ah, there's does not boast of a tonsorial artiste; we rely the rub! Ah! I have it! I want a baby, "just mainly upon our city friends to shave us when they for to-night!" My obtrusive relations dislike come, and they generally do. [Retires to arbor. children-especially when they cry: so if I can Mrs. B. [aside.] Now what did he mean by but borrow a baby for an hour or two to-nightthat? [Aloud. I trust you will be in a better one possessing a fiery temper-I'll exercise its humor by dinner time-and it's a'most time now, lungs to the very letter! I should say. Martha Jane, help me with these things, and show me to my room. I wish you'd get me a sandwich-I'm nigh about starved. Have you got any new dresses? Mrs. J. Well, yes-no, nothing very new. [Aside.] I dare not tell her I haven't had one in three months, or she might do Jukes an injury. Mrs. B. I'll see that your stingy husband provides better for you in future, or I'll know why! Will dinner be ready soon? Mrs. J. Yes, ma, dear. Mrs. B. Oh! I have the chronic dyspepsia so bad that Dr. Swillem recommended-me-to [Exeunt into house, talking. Dick. [picking up trunk with difficulty.] By the weight of this 'ere trunk, one would say they were goin' on a tower through Europe. Ho! ho! I can't help laughin' at poor master; he do look so happy like. Ho! ho! ho! [Exit into house with trunk. Betty. [savagely picking up bundles, and looking into several.] Well, now, they had better set up a 'pothecary shop, and have done with it. [Smelling bundles.] Cod liver oil! a nice thing for 'pepsie, I must say. Herbs! herbs! nothin' but herbs and Enter SELINA slowly, R. 3. E., reading a manuscript. MRS. BOAST is seen through window L. of door, upsetting and arranging books in case; she sees JUKES and SELINA, and watches them. Sel. Yes, I think that will do very well. The simile is not perfect-but it will do. Jukes. [approaching her.] Ah, yes, of course, she can aid me. Have you a baby? Sel. [horrified and screaming.] Sir! do you mean to insult me? Jukes. [L.] Beg pardon! I meant to ask if you knew where I can borrow one for an hour or two? Sel. [aside.] What can the man mean by wanting to borrow a baby? [Aloud.] No, sir, I cannot aid you in that respect! Jukes. The baby system's a failure. I'll give it up! Sel. [affectedly.] I believe you have studied the classics? Jukes. [not heeding.] Physics? bah! no! Jukes. [peevishly.] Yes, I've often wandered |