claimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!" Nay," returned another, "he has only knocked an I out."

Smoothing it Down.

A client remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir." "Never mind," was the reply of the latter: "it has to be filed before it comes into court."

Scotched, not Killed.

A Scotch lawyer, during a trial, was reading some French evidence. Blackburn said, "How he murders it!" "No," said Lord Chelmsford, "he is only scotching it."

A Rowland for an Oliver.

Mr. Hawkins, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, brough-am.

"If the learned counsel will adopt the usual designation, and call the carriage a bro'am, it will save the time of the court," said Lord Campbell, with a smile.

Mr. Hawkins bowed, and accepted his lordship's pronunciation of the word during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum up the evidence, he had to refer to the omnibus which had damaged the brougham, and in doing so pronounced the word also according to its orthography. "I beg your lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very respectfully, "but if your lordship will use the common designation for such a vehicle, and call it a 'bus-" The loud laughter which ensued, and in which his lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the sentence.

Experimentum Crucis.

A merchant being asked to define the meaning of experimental and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it.

"'Tis the Sunset of Life:"

A very old man, who was commonly very dull. and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety: some person observed, "He resembles an old castle which is sometimes visited by spirits."

Here and Hereafter.

A guest at Warton, on seeing Lady Ruthven after breakfast feeding her pheasants with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah, I see your ladyship is preparing them here for bread-sauce hereafter."

Preferment.

Among the daily inquirers after the health of an aged bishop of Durham during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of Exeter; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as to present my compliments to my lord bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of Winchester has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do."

Human and Canine.

Lockhart, when urged by a friend to sit to Sir Edwin Landseer, the great animal-painter, for his portrait, replied, "Is thy servant a dog, that he should do this thing?"

A Fatal Slip.

When Macaulay published the first two volumes of his "History of England," Croker, whose edition of Boswell had been some time before reviewed by Macaulay and a great number of errors in it exposed, imagined that he saw an opportunity for revenge, and accordingly published a review of the history in the "Quarterly." This, however, though very malicious in intention, proved an extremely weak production. Rogers remarked that it was only another of Croker's blunders, that he had intended murder, but committed suicide.

Out of Time.

A lawyer in an Edinburgh court occupied the whole day with a speech which was anything but interesting to his auditors. Some one who had left the court-room and returned again after an interval of some hours, finding the same harangue going on, said to Lord Cockburn, "Is not Htaking up a great deal of time?" "Time?" said Cockburn: "he has long ago exhausted time and encroached upon eternity."

THE ENCHIRIDION OF WIT. 265

An Expensive Reputation.

Dr. Hume went to a newspaper office, and laid on the counter an announcement of the death of some friend, together with five shillings, the usual price of such advertisements. The clerk, who had a very rough manner, demanded seven shillings and sixpence, the extra charge being for the words "he was universally beloved and deeply regretted." Hume paid the money, saying, gravely, "Congratulate yourself, sir, that this is an expense which your executors will never be put to."

A Pin's Worth.

A gentleman of very great talent but of rather extravagant habits was going to a dance; and, knowing Hicks to have a very handsome pin, which had been presented to him, he asked if he would lend it to him. "What for?" said Hicks. "Oh, if you must know, I want to take it to the ball." "Pooh, pooh! Don't tell me. You want to take it to the three balls" (i.e., the pawnbroker's), was the answer.

Short Measure.

An actor, notorious for his love of beer, sailed "He was a good fellow," said Thack

for India.

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