Heaven! I'd as soon have them taught the

black art as their alphabet !

Mrs Mal. Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an 270 absolute misanthropy.

Sir Anth. In my way hither, Mrs Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library!—She had a book in each hand-they were half-bound volumes, with marble covers!-From that moment I guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress! Mrs Mal. Those are vile places, indeed! Sir Anth. Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge! 280 It blossoms through the year!-And depend on it, Mrs Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will long for the fruit at last.

Mrs Mal. Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically.

Sir Anth. Why, Mrs Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a woman know?

Mrs Mal. Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a 290 progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance

I would never let her meddle with Greek, or
Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or
paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of
learning-neither would it be necessary for her
to handle any of your mathematical, astronomi-
cal, diabolical instruments.-But, Sir Anthony,
I would send her, at nine years old, to a
boarding - school, in order to learn a little 300
ingenuity and artifice. Then, sir, she should
have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;-
and as she grew up, I would have her instructed
in geometry, that she might know something
of the contagious countries;-but above all, Sir
Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy,
that she might not mis-spell, and mis-pronounce
words so shamefully as girls usually do; and
likewise that she might reprehend the true
meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir 310
Anthony, is what I would have a woman
know; and I don't think there is a super-
stitious article in it.

Sir Anth. Well, well, Mrs Malaprop, I will dispute
the point no further with you; though I must
confess, that you are a truly moderate and
polite arguer, for almost every
third word you

say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs Malaprop, to the more important point in debate you say you have no objection to 320 my proposal?

Mrs Mal. None, I assure you. I am under no

positive engagement with Mr Acres, and as

Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your
son may have better success.

Sir Anth. Well, madam, I will write for the boy
directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet,
though I have for some time had the proposal
in my head. He is at present with his

regiment. Mrs Mal. We have never seen your son, Sir

Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side. Sir Anth. Objection!-let him object if he dare! -No, no, Mrs Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was always very simple-in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this; "if he demurred, I knocked him down-and if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the

room.

Mrs Mal. Ay, and the properest way,
o' my
conscience! nothing is so conciliating to

-

330

340

young people as severity.-Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; -and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible. Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs Malaprop, to enforce this 350 matter roundly to the girl.-Take my advice -keep a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about.

[Exit. Mrs Mal. Well, at any rate I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition.

She has some

how discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius
O'Trigger-sure, Lucy can't have betrayed 360
me!-No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should
have made her confess it.-Lucy!—Lucy!—
[Calls.] Had she been one of your artificial
ones, I should never have trusted her.

Re-enter Lucy.

Lucy. Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs Mal. Yes, girl. Did you see Sir Lucius

while you was out?

Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs Mal. You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned―

Lucy. Oh gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out. Mrs Mal. Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on.

Lucy. No, ma'am.

370

Mrs Mal. So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy-if ever you betray what you are entrusted with (unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence for ever; ́and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse 380 for your locality. [Exit. Lucy. Ha! ha ha!-So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little respite. [Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as they please of appearing expert and knowing in their trusts; commend me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it! Let me see to what

account have I turned my simplicity lately.—
[Looks at a paper.] For abetting Miss Lydia 390