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Trip. My master says you must wait, gentlemen; he has company, and can't speak with you yet.
Sir Oliv. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he would not send such a message ?
Trip. Yes, yes, sir; he knows you are here I did not forget little Premium : no, no, no.
Sir Oliv. Very well; and I pray, sir, what may be your name? Trip. Trip, sir; my name is Trip, at your service.
Sir Oliv. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have a pleasant sort of place here, I guess ? Trip. Why, yes
here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough; but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear and not very great either — but fifty pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets.
Sir Oliv. Bags and bouquets? halters and bastinadoes ! [Aside.
Trip. And à propos, Moses, have you been able to get me that little bill discounted ?
Sir Oliv. Wants to raise money too ! mercy on me! Has his distresses too, I warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors and duns.
[Aside. Mos. 'T was not to be done, indeed, Mr. Trip.
Trip. Good lack, you surprise me! My friend Brush has indorsed it, and I thought when he put his name at the back of a bill 't was the same as cash.
Mos. No, 't wouldn't do.
Trip. A small sum — but twenty pounds. Hark'ee, Moses, do you think you couldn't get it me by way of annuity?
Sir Oliv. An annuity ! ha! ha! a footman raise money by way of annuity! Well done, luxury, egad!
[Aside. Mos. Well, but you must insure your place.
Trip. Oh, with all my heart! I'll insure my place, and my life too, if you please. Sir Oliv. It's more than I would your neck.
[Aside. Mos. But is there nothing you could deposit?
Trip. Why, nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has dropped lately; but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter clothes, with equity of redemption before November - or you shall have the
reversion of the French velvet, or a post-obit on the blue and silver ; - these, I should think, Moses, with a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral security — hey, my little fellow? Mos. Well, well.
[Bell rings. Trip. Egad, I heard the bell ! I believe, gentlemen, I can now introduce you. Don't forget the annuity, little Moses. This way, gentlemen, I'll insure my place, you know.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] If the man be a shadow of the master, this is the temple of dissipation indeed !
SCENE III.- ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME CHARLES SURFACE, SIR HARRY BUMPER, CARELESS, and Gentlemen,
discovered drinking. Chas. Surf. 'Fore heaven, 't is true! - there's the great degeneracy of the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, and politeness; but, plague on't, they won't drink.
Care. It is so, indeed, Charles ! they give in to all the substantial luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing but wine and wit. Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably! for now, instead of the social spirit of raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their conversation is become just like the Spa-water they drink, which has all the pertness and flatulency of champagne, without its spirit or flavour.
First Gent. But what are they to do who love play better than wine?
Care. True ! there's Sir Harry diets himself for gaming, and is now under a hazard regimen.
Chas. Surf. Then he'll have the worst of it. What! you wouldn't train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn? For my part, egad, I am never so successful as when I am a little merry: let me throw on a bottle of champagne and I never lose.
All. Hey, what?
Care. At least I never feel my losses, which is exactly the same thing.
Second Gent. Ay, that I believe.
Chas. Surf. And then, what man can pretend to be a believer in love, who is an abjurer of wine? 'Tis the test by which the lover knows his own heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the top is the maid that has bewitched you.
Care. Now then, Charles, be honest, and give us your real favourite.
Chas. Surf. Why, I have withheld her only in compassion to you. If I toast her, you must give a round of her peers, which is impossible
Care. Oh! then we'll find some canonised vestals or heathen goddesses that will do, I warrant !
Chas. Surf. Here then, bumpers, you rogues ! bumpers ! Maria ! Maria !
Sir Har. Maria who?
Chas. Surf. Oh, damn the surname !— 't is too formal to be registered in Love's calendar — Maria !
Al. Maria !
Chas. Surf. But now, Sir Harry, beware, we must have beauty superlative.
Care. Nay, never study, Sir Harry: we'll stand to the toast, though your mistress should want an eye, and you
have song will excuse you.
Sir Har. Egad, so I have ! and I'll give him the song instead of the lady.
[Sings. Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
Here's to the widow of fifty;
And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
Drink to the lass,
Now to the maid who has none, sir;
And here's to the nymph with but one, sir.
Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow:
Now to her that's as brown as a berry:
And now to the damsel that's merry.
For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim,
Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
And let us e'en toast them together.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. All. Bravo ! bravo !
Enter Trip, and whispers CHARLES SURFACE. Chas Surf. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little. Careles, take the chair, will you?
Care. Nay, pr’ythee, Charles, what now? This is one of your peerless beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by chance?
Chas. Surf. No, faith! To tell you the truth, 't is a Jew and a broker, who are come by appointment.
Care. Oh, damn it! let's have the Jew in.
Chas. Surf. Egad, with all my heart !- Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in. - [Exit Trip.] Though there's one of them a stranger, I can tell you.
Care. Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious.
Chas. Surf. Oh, hang 'em, no! wine does but draw forth a man's natural qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their knavery.
Re-enter TRIP, with SiR OLIVER SURFACE and MOSES. Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses; walk in, pray, Mr. Premiumthat's the gentleman's name, isn't it, Moses?
Mos. Yes, sir.
Chas. Surf. Set chairs, Trip. — Sit down, Mr. Premium.-Glasses, Trip. — [Trip gives chairs and glasses and exit. Sit down, Moses. - Come, Mr. Premium, I'll give you a sentiment; here's “Success to usury!" - Moses, fill the gentleman a bumper. Mos. Success to usury !
[Drinks. Care. Right, Moses — usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed.
Sir Oliv. Then here's — All the success it deserves ! [Drinks.
Care. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
First Gent. A pint bumper, at least.
Second Gent. Give Moses a quart glass — this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair.
Care. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of
Sir Oliv. Nay, pray, gentlemen — I did not expect this usage. Chas. Surf. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger. Sir Oliv. Odd! I wish I was well out of their
company. [Aside. Care. Plague on 'em then ! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room. Charles, you'll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?
Chas. Surf. I will ! I will ! - [Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and Gentlemen : CARELESS following.] Careless !
Care. [Returning.] Well !
Care, Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 't is all the same to me.
[Exit. Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is
Chas. Surf. Psha ! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression : he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this : I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.
Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments.
Chas. Surf. Oh, no, sir ! plain dealing in business I always think best.
Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you are mistaken in one thing ; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend ; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he Moses?
Mos. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie !
Chas. Surf. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But