The Rivals

Acres. Dress does make a difference, David.

Dav. 'Tis all in all, I think. — Difference! why, an' you were to go now to Clod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you, Master Butler wouldn't [10 believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, "Lard presarve me!" our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, your Honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.

Oons! I'll hold a gallon, there a'n't a dog in the [15 house but would bark, and I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!

Acres. Aye, David, there's nothing like polishing. Dav. So I says of your Honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!

Acres. But, David, has Mr. De-la-Grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring. Dav. I'll call again, Sir.

Acres. Do- - and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

Dav. I will. By the Mass, I can't help looking at your head! If I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit.

Acres comes forward practising a dancing step.

Acres. Sink, slide-coupee ! Confound the first inventors of cotillons! say I- they are as bad as [30

8. an' if.

9. Clod-Hall: In A Journey to Bath Sir Jeremy lives at Bullhall.

15. Oons: contracted from "God's wounds."

22. balancing, chasing, boring: steps in dancing.

29. coupee : "A dance step formerly much used; the dancer rests on one foot and passes the other forward or backward, making a sort of salutation."— N. E. D.

algebra to us country gentlemen. - I can walk a Minnet easy enough when I'm forced! - and I have been accounted a good stick in a Country-dance. — Odds jigs and tabors! - I never valued your cross-over two couple -figure in right and left- and I'd foot it [35 with e'er a captain in the county! But these outlandish heathen Allemandes and Cotillons are quite beyond me! —I shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure. Mine are true-born English legs- they don't understand their curst French lingo!— their Pas this, and [40 Pas that, and Pas t'other! - D-n me! my feet don't like to be called Paws! No, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican Toes!

Sir.

Enter Servant.

Serv. Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you,

Acres. Shew him in.

Enter Sir Lucius.

Sir Luc. Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you. Acres. My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands. Sir Luc. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

Acres. Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-aLantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last. — In short, I have been very ill-used, Sir Lucius. — I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.

Sir Luc. Pray, what is the case? I ask no names. Acres. Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady - her friends take my part I follow her to Bath send word of my arrival,

37. Allemandes: a word applied to various German dances.

and receive answer that the lady is to be otherwise [60 disposed of. This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used. Sir Luc. Very ill, upon my conscience. - Pray, can

you divine the cause of it?

Acres. Why, there's the matter: she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath. [65 Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of

it.

Sir Luc. A rival in the case, is there? And you think he has supplanted you unfairly?

Acres. Unfairly! — to be sure he has. could have done it fairly.

He never

Sir Luc. Then sure you know what is to be done! Acres. Not I, upon my soul!

Sir Luc. We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

Acres. What! fight him?

Sir Luc. Aye, to be sure: what can I mean else? Acres. But he has given me no provocation.

Sir Luc. Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit [80 a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? O, by my soul, it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship!

Acres. Breach of friendship! Aye, aye; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life.

Sir Luc. That's no argument at all. He has the less right then to take such a liberty.

74. We wear no swords here: The Bath regulations against duelling were very strict. No swords were allowed to be worn. Cf. v, 2, 1-2: "A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a mad-dog."

Acres. 'Gad, that's true. I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius! — I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! [90 I find a man may have a deal of valour in him and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side?

Sir Luc. What the d-1 signifies right when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or [95 my little Alexander the Great ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broadswords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.

Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching!-I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising, as it were kind of courage, as I may say. Odds flints, pans,

and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.

104

Sir Luc. Ah, my little friend! if we had Blunderbuss-Hall here- I could shew you a range of ancestry in the O'Trigger line that would furnish the new room, every one of whom had killed his man! For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipt through my fingers, I thank God our honour, and the family-pictures, are as fresh as ever.

111

Acres. O Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia! Odds balls and barrels! say no more I'm brac'd

for it my nerves are become catgut! my sinews [115 wire! and my heart Pinchbeck! The thunder of your

107. new room: the New Assembly Rooms (usually called the "New Rooms" or the "Upper Rooms ") were opened in 1771. See i, 1, 78, note.

108-111. Taken almost without change from A Journey to Bath see the Introduction p. xxi.

116. Pinchbeck: an alloy of copper and zinc resembling

words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast! Z-ds! as the man in the play says, “I

Sir Luc. Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case. These things should always be done civilly.

Acres. I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius. I must be in a rage. Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. - Come, here's pen and paper. [125

[Sits down to write. I would the ink were red! - Indite, I say, indite! How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.

Sir Luc. Pray compose yourself.