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A Chinese, who had long studied the works of Confucius, who knew the characters of fourteen thousand words, and could read a great part of every book that came in his way, once took it into his head to travel into Europe, and observe the customs of a people whom he thought not very much inferior, even to his own countrymen, in the arts of refining upon every pleasure. Upon his arrival at Amsterdam, his passion for letters naturally ted him to a bookseller's shop: and, as he could speak a little Dutch, he'civilly asked the bookseller for the works of the immortal Xixofou. The book seller assured him he had never heard the book mentioned before. What! have you never heard of that immortal poet ?' returned the other, much surprised; that light of the eyes, that favourite of kings, that rose of perfection ! I suppose you koow nothing of the immortal Fipsihihi, second cousin to the moon ? Nothing at all, indeed, sir,' returned the other. Alas! cries our traveller, 'to what purpose, then, has one of these fasted to death, and the other offered himself up as a sacri. fice to the Tartar enemy, to gain a renown which has never travelled beyond the precincts of China ?"
There is scarce a village in Europe, and not one university, that is not thus furnished with its little great men. The head of a petty corporation, who opposes the designs of a prince who would tyranni. cally force his subjects to save their best clothes for Sundays; the puny pedant who finds one undis. covered property in the polype, or describes an un. heeded process in the skeleton of a mole, and whose mind, like his microscope, perceives nature only in detail ; the rhymer, who makes smooth verses, and paints to our imagination, when he should only speak to our hearts; all equally fancy themselves walking forward to immortality, and de. sire the crowd behind them to look on. The crowd takes them at their word. Patriot, philosopher, and
* Where was there poet, are shouted in their train.
ever so much merit seen? No times so important as our open, ages, yet unborn, shall gaze with won. der and applause ! To snch music, the important pigmy moves forward, bustling and swelliog, and aptly compared to a puddle in a storm. -, · I have lived to see generals who once had crowds hallooing after them wherever they went, who were be praised by newspapers and magazines, those echoes of the voice of the vulgar, and yet they have long sunk into merited obscurity, with scarce even an epitaph left to flatter. A few years ago the her. ring-fishery employed all Grub-street; it was the topic in every coffee-house, and the burden of every ballad. We were to drag up oceans of gold from the bottom of the sea ; we were to supply all Europe with herrings upon our own terms. At present we hear no more of this. We have fished up very little gold, that I can learn; nor do we fur. nish the world with herrings, as was expected. Let us wait for a few years longer, and we shall find all our expectations a herring fishery.
SPECIMEN OF A MAGAZINE IN
a time, are by no means so fortunate as the writers of magazines, who write upon several. If a magaziner be dull upon the Spanish war, he soon has us up again with the ghost in Cuck-laue; if the reader begins to doze upon that, he is quickly roused by an eastern tale; tales prepare us for poetry, and poetry for the meteorological history of the wea. ther. It is the life and soul of a magazine, never to be long dull upon one subject; and the reader, like the sailor's horse, has at least the comfortable refreshment of having the spur often changed.
As I see no reason why they should carry off all
the rewards of genius, I have some thoughts, for the future, of making this essay a magazine in minia. ture : I shall hop from subject to subject, and, if properly encouraged, I intend in time to adorn my feuille-volant with pictures. But to begin, in the usual form, with
A modest Address to the Public.
The public has been so often imposed upon by the unperforming promises of others, that it is with the utmost modesty we assure them of ourinviolable de. sign of giving the very best collection that ever asto. Dished society. The public we honour and regard, and therefore to instruct and entertain them is our highest ambition, with labours calculated as well to the head as the heart. If four extraordinary pages of letter-press be any recoinmendation of our wit, we may at least boast the honour of vindicating our own abilities. To say more in favour of the Infernal Magazine, would be unworthy the public ; to say less, would be injurious to ourselves. As we have no interested motives for this undertaking, being a society of gentlemen of distinction, we disdain to eat or write like hirelings; we are all gentlemen, resolved to sell our sixpenny magazine merely for our own amusement.
Be careful to ask for the Infernal Magazine.
TO THAT MOST INGENIOUS OF ALL PATRONS, THE
May it please your Excellency, As
your taste in the fine arts is universally allowed and admired, permit the authors of the Infernal Magazine to lay the following sheets humbly
at your excellency's toe; and should our labours ever have the happiness of one day adorning the courts of Fez, we doubt not that the influence wherewith we are honoured, shall be ever retained with the most warm ardour by,
May it please your Excellency,
The Authors of the Infernal Magazine.
SPOKEN BY THE INDIGENT PHILOSOPHER, TO PERSUADE HIS CLUB AT CATEATON NOT TO
DECLARE WAR AGAINST SPAIN,
My honest friends and brother-politicians, I per. ceive that the intended war with Spain makes many of you uneasy, Yesterday, as we were told, the stocks rose, and you were glad; to-day they fall, and you are again miserable. But, my dear friends, what is the rising or the falling of the stocks to us, who have no money? Let Nathan Ben Funk, the Dutch Jew, be glad or sorry for this; but, my good Mr. Bellows-mender, what is all this to you or me? You must mend broken bellows, and I write bad prose, as long as we live, whether we like a Spanish war or not. Believe me, my honest friends, what. ever you may talk of liberty and your own reason, both that liberty and reason are conditionally resigned by every poor man in every society; and, as we are born to work, so others are born to watch over us while we are working. In the name of common sense then, my good friends, let the great keep watch over us, and let us mind our business, and perhaps we may at last get money ourselves, and set beggars at work in our turn, I have a Latin sentence that is worth its weight in gold, and which I shall beg leave to translate for your instruction.
An author, called Lily's Grammar, finely observes, that • Æs in præsenti perfectum format;' that is, • Ready money makes a perfect man.' Let us then get ready money, and let them that will spend theirs by going to war with Spain.
RULES FOR BEHAVIOUR,
DRAWN UP BY THE INDIGENT PHILOSOPHER.
you be a rich man, you may enter the room with three loud hems, march deliberately up to the chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If you be a poor man, I would advise you to shrink into the room as fast as you can, and place yourself, as usual, upon the corner of a chair, in a remote corner.
When you are desired to sing in company, I would advise you to refuse ; for it is a thousand to one but that you torment us with affectation or a bad voice.
If you be young, and live with an old man, I would advise you not to like gravy. I was disin. herited myself for liking gravy.
Do not laugh much in public: the spectators that are not as merry as you, will hate you, either because they envy your happiness, or fancy themselves the subject of
RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL,
Translated from the Latin of Danæus de Sortiariis,
a Writer cotemporary with Calvin, and one of the Reformers of our Church.
The person who desires to raise the devil, is to sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own property, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal obedi. ence, and then to receive a mark in some waseen place, either under the eye-lid, or in the roof of the