MARLOW. (Reading) For the first course at the top, a pig, and pruin fauce. HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I fay. MARLOW. And damn your pruin fauce, fay I. HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig, with pruin fauce, is very good eating. MARLOW. At the bottom, a calve's tongue and brains. Let HASTINGS. your brains be knock'd out, my good Sir; I don't like them. MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. HARDCASTLE. (Afide) Their impudence confounds me. (To them) Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you pleafe. Is there any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen ? MARLOW. Item. A pork pye, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a fhaking pudding, and a dish of tifftaff-taffety cream! HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes, I fhall be as much at a lofs in this house as at a green and yellow din ner ner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for plain eating. HARDCASTLE. I'm forry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if there be any thing you have a particular fancy to MARLOW. Why, really, Sir, your bill of fare is fo exquifite, that any one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you pleafe. So much for fupper. And now to fee that our beds are air'd, and properly taken care of. HARDCASTLE. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step. MARLOW. Leave that to you! I proteft, Sir, you must excufe me, I always look to thefe things myself. HARDCASTLE. I must infift, Sir, you'll make yourself eafy on that head. MARLOW. You fee I'm refolved on it. (Afide.) A very troublefome fellow this, as ever I met with. HARDCASTLE. Well, Sir, I'm refolved at least to attend you. (Afide) This may be modern modefty, but I never faw any thing look fo like old-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt Marlow and Hardcastle. HAST HASTINGS, folus. So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome. But who can be angry at those affiduities which are meant to please him? Ha! what do I fee? Mifs Neville, by all that's happy! Enter Mifs NEVILLE. Mifs NEVILLE. My dear Haftings! To what unexpected good fortune? to what accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting? HASTINGS. Rather let me afk the fame question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dearest Conftance at an inn. Mifs NEVILLE. An inn! fure you mistake! my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce you to think this houfe an inn? HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been fent here as to an inn, I affure you. A young fellow whom we accidentally met at a house hard by directed us hither. Mifs NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful coufin's tricks, of whom you have heard me talk so often, ha ha ha! HAST HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have fuch just apprehensions? Mifs NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I affure you. You'd adore him if you knew how heartily he defpifes me. My aunt knows it too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to think he has made a conqueft. HASTINGS. Thou dear diffembler! You must know, my Conftance, I have juft feized this happy opportunity of my friend's vifit here to get admittance into the family. The horfes that carried us down are now fatigued with their journey, but they'll foon be refreshed; and then, if my deareft girl will truft in her faithful Haftings, we fhall foon be landed in France, where even among laves the laws of marriage are refpected. Mifs NEVILLE. I have often told you, that, though ready to obey you, I yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and chiefly confifts in jewels. I have been for fome time perfuading my aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near fucceeding. The inftant they are put into my poffeffion you fhall find me ready to make them and myfelf yours. HAST HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your perfon is all I defire. In the mean time, my friend Marlow muft not be let into his mistake. I know the strange reserve of his temper is fuch, that if abruptly informed of it, he would inftantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for execution. Mifs NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Mifs Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we ftill continue to deceive him?. -This, this way[They confer. Enter MARLOW. MARLOW. The affiduities of thefe good people teize me beyond bearing. My hoft feems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and fo he claps not only himself but his old-fashioned wife on my back. They talk of coming to fup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run the gauntlet through all the rest of the family.—What have we got here!— HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you !— The most fortunate accident!-Who do you think is juft alighted? Cannot guess. MARLOW. HAST |