confusion at the retrospection of my own rude-| near an Foi. Madam, the dancers are ready, and Wait. My impatience, madam, is the effect there's one with a letter, who must deliver it of my transport; and till I have the possession into your own hands. of your adorable person, I am tantalized on Lady W. Sir Rowland, will you give me the rack; and do but hang, madam, on the leave? think favourably, judge candidly, and tenter of expectation. conclude you have found a person who would Lady W. You have excess of gallantry, sir suffer racks in honour's cause, dear sir RowRowland; and press things to a conclusion, land, and will wait on you incessantly. [Exit. with a most prevailing vehemence-But a day Wait. Fie, fie! What a slavery have I or two, for decency of marriage. undergone! Spouse, hast thou any cordial? I want spirits. Foi. What a washy rogue art thou to pant thus for a quarter of an hour's lying and swearing to a fine lady! Wait. For decency of funeral, madam. The delay will break my heart-or if that should fail, I shall be poison'd. My nephew will get an inkling of my designs and poison me,and I would willingly starve him before I die Wait. O, she is the antidote to desire. By -I would gladly go out of the world with this hand, I'd rather be a chairman in the dogthat satisfaction.-That would be some com- days-than act sir Rowland till this time tofort to me, if I could but live so long as to be revenged on that unnatural viper. morrow. Lady W. Is he so unnatural, say you? truly Enter LADY WISHFORT, with a Letter. I would contribute much both to the saving Lady W. Call in the dancers;-sir Rowland, of your life, and the accomplishment of your we'll sit, if you please, and see the entertainment. revenge. Not that I respect myself; though [Dance.] Now with your permission, sir he has been a perfidious wretch to me. Rowland, I will peruse my letter-I would Wait. Perfidious to you! open it in your presence, because I would not Lady W. O sir Rowland, the hours that he make you uneasy. If it should make you uneasy has died away at my feet, the tears that he I would burn it-speak if it does but you has shed, the oaths that he has sworn, the may see, the superscription is like a woman's palpitations that he has felt, the trances and hand. tremblings, the ardours and the ecstasies, the Foi. By heaven! Mrs. Marwood's, I know kneelings and the risings, the heart-heavings it. My heart aches-get it from her. [To him. and the hand-gripings, the pangs and the pathetic regards of his protesting eyes! Oh, no memory can register. Wait. What, my rival! is the rebel my rival? a'dies. Wait. A woman's hand? No, madam, that's no woman's hand, I see that already. That's somebody whose throat must be cut. Lady W. Nay, sir Rowland, since you give me a proof of your passion by your jealousy, Lady W. No, don't kill him at once, sir I promise you I'll make a return, by a frank Rowland; starve him gradually, inch by inch. communication-You shall see it-we'll open Wait. I'll do't. In three weeks he shall it together-look you here. [Reads] – Mabe barefoot; in a month out at knees with dam, though unknown to you. Look you begging an alms-be shall starve upward and there, 'tis from nobody that I know.-I have upward, till he has nothing living but his head, that honour for your character, that I think and then go out like a candle's end upon a myself obliged to let you know you are saveall. 1) abused. He who pretends to be sir RowLady W. Well, sir Rowland, you have the land is a cheat and a rascal-O heavens! way-you are no novice in the labyrinth of what's this? love-you have the clue-But as I am a per- Foi. Unfortunate, all's ruin'd son, sir Rowland, you must not attribute my Wait. How, how! let me see, let me see yielding to any sinister appetite, or indigestion -reading, A rascal and disguised, and subof widowhood; nor impute my complacency orn'd for that imposture-Ŭ villany! O vilto any lethargy of continence I hope you do lany!- By the contrivance of— not think me prone to any iteration of nuptials. Wait. Far be it from me → Lady W. If you do, I protest I must recede, or think that I have made a prostitution of decorums; but in the vehemence of compassion, and to save the life of a person of so much importance— Wait. I esteem it so Lady W. I shall faint, I shall die, ho! Foi. Say 'tis your nephew's hand.—Quickly, his plot, swear it, swear it. Wait. Here's a villain! madam; don't you perceive it, don't you see it? Lady W. Too well, too well. I have seen too much. Wait. I told you at first I knew the hand Lady W. Or else you wrong my condes--A woman's hand? The rascal writes a sort of a large hand; your Roman hand -I saw there was a throat to be cut presently. If he were my son, as he is my nephew, I'd pistol him. Foi. O treachery! But are you sure, sir Rowland, it is his writing? Wait. Sure? Am I here? Do I live? Do I love this pearl of India? I have twenty letters ger. Go, hang out an old frisoneer-gorget, in my pocket from him, in the same character. with a yard of yellow colberteen again; do; Lady W. How! an old gnaw'd mask, two rows of pins, and a Foi. O what luck it is, sir Rowland, that child's fiddle; a glass necklace, with the beads you were present at this juucture! this was broken, and a quilted nightcap with one ear. the business that brought Mr. Mirabell dis- Go, go, drive a trade.—These were your comguised to madam Millamant this afternoon. Imodities, you treacherous trull; this was the thought something was contriving, when he merchandize you dealt in, when I took you stole by me and would have hid his face. into my house, placed you next myself, and Lady W. How, how!-I heard the villain made you governante of my whole family. was in the house indeed; and now I remem-You have forgot this, have you, now you have ber, my niece went away abruptly, when sir feathered your nest? Wilfull was to have made his addresses. Foi. No, no, dear madam, Do but hear Foi. Then, then, madam, Mr. Mirabell waited me, have but a moment's patience-I'll confess for her in her chamber; but I would not tell all. Mr. Mirabell seduced me; I am not the your lady ship, to discompose you when you first that he has wheedled with his dissemwere to receive sir Rowland. Wait. Enough, his date is short. law. Wait. Law! I care not for law. I can but die, and 'tis in a good cause-My lady shall be satisfied of my truth and innocence, though it cost me my life. bling tongue; your ladyship's own wisdom has been deluded by him, then how should I, a poor ignorant, defend myself? O madam, ᎥᏝ you knew but what he promised me, and how he assured me your ladyship should come to no damage-or else the wealth of the Indies should not have bribed me to conspire against so good, so sweet, so kind a lady as you have been to me. Lady W. No damage! What, to betray me, and marry me to a cast serving-man? No damage! O thou frontless impudence! Lady W. No, dear sir Rowland, don't fight; if you should be killed I must never show my face; or hang'd-() consider my reputation, sir Rowland-No, you shan't fight-I'll go in and examine my niece; I'll make her confess. Foi. Pray do but hear me, madam! he could I conjure you, sir Rowland, by all your love, not marry your ladyship, madam-no, indeed, not to fight. his marriage was to have been void in law; Wuit. I am charm'd, madam; I obey. But for he was married to me first, to secure your some proof you must let me give you; - I'll ladyship. Yes, indeed, I inquired of the law go for a black box, which contains the writ-in that case before I would meddle or make. ings of my whole estate, and deliver that into Lady W. What, then I have been your pro your hands. Lady W. Ay, dear sir Rowland, that be some comfort; bring the black box. far? perty, have ? I have been convenient to you, will it seems,-while you were catering for Mirabell, I have been broker for you? This exceeds Wait. And may I presume to bring a con-all precedent; I am brought to fine uses, to tract to be sign'd this night? May I hope so become a hotcher of secondhand marriages between Abigails and Andrews! I'll couple you. Lady W. Bring what you will; but come Yes, I'll baste you together, you and your alive, pray come alive. O this is a happy dis-Philander. I'll Duke's-place you, as I'm a person. Your turtle is in custody already: Wait. Dead or alive I'll come-and married you shall coo in the same cage, if there be a we will be in spite of treachery. Come, my constable or warrant in the parish. [Exit. buxom widow: Foi. O that ever I was born! O that I was ever married!—a bride, ay, I shall be a Bridewell bride, ob! covery. Ere long you shall substantial proof receive Foi. Or arrant knave. ACT V. SCENE I.-The same. [Exeunt. Enter MRS. FAINALL. Mrs. F. Poor Foible, what's the matter? Foi. O madam, my lady's gone for a constable; I shall be had to a justice, and put to Bridewell to beat hemp; poor Waitwell's gone to prison already. Enter LADY WISHFORT and FOIBLE. Lady W. Out of my house, out of my house, thou viper, thou serpent, that I have foster'd; Mrs. F. Have a good heart, Foible; Mirathou bosom traitress, that I raised from no- bell's gone to give security for him. This is thing-Begone, begone, begone, go, go-That all Marwood's and my husband's doing. I took from washing of old gause and wea- Foi. Yes, yes, I know it, madam; she was ving of dead hair, with a bleak blue nose, in my lady's closet, and overheard all that you over a chaffing-dish of starved embers, and said to me before dinner. She sent the letter dining behind a traverse-rag, in a shop no to my lady; and that missing effect, Mr. Fainbigger than a bird-cage,-go, go, starve again, all laid this plot to arrest Waitwell, when do, do. he pretended to go for the papers; and in the Foi. Dear madam, I'll beg pardon on my mean time Mrs. Marwood declared all to my knees. lady. Lady W. Away, out, out, go set up for Mrs. F. Was there no mention made of yourself again-do, drive a trade, do, with me in the letter?-My mother does not susyour three-pennyworth of small ware, flaunt-pect my being in the confederacy; I fancy ing upon a pack-thread, under a brandyseller's Marwood has not told her, though she has bulk, or against a dead wall by a ballad-mon- told my husband. Foi. Yes, madam; but my lady did not see retire by ourselves, and be shepherdesses. that part: we stifled the letter before she read Mrs. Mar. Let us first dispatch the affair in so far. Has that mischievous devil told Mr. hand, madam. We shall have leisure to think Fainall of your ladyship then? of retirement afterwards. Here is one who is Mrs. F. Ay, all's out; my affair with Mi-concern'd in the treaty. rabell, every thing discovered. This is the last Lady W. O daughter, daughter, is it posday of our living together, that's my comfort. sible thou shouldst be my child, bone of my Foi. Indeed! madam; and so 'tis a comfort bone, and flesh of my flesh, and, as I may if you knew all-he has been even with your say, another me, and yet transgress the minute ladyship; which I could have told you long particle of severe virtue? Is it possible you enough since, but I love to keep peace and should lean aside to iniquity, who have been quietness by my good will: I had rather bring cast in the direct mould of virtue? friends together, than set them at distance. Mrs. F. I don't understand your ladyship. But Mrs. Marwood and he are nearer related Lady W. Not understand! why, have you than ever their parents thought for. not been naught? have you not been sophisticated?-not understand? here I am ruined to compound for your caprices; I must part with my plate and my jewels, and ruin my niece, and all little enough Mrs. F. Say'st thou so, Foible? Canst thou prove this? Mrs. Mar. My friend, Mrs. Fainall? your Foi. I can take my oath of it, madam, so can Mrs. Mincing; we have had many a fair word from madam Marwood, to conceal some- Mrs. F. I am wrong'd and abused, and so thing that passed in our chamber one eve- are you. 'Tis a false accusation; as false as ning when we were at Hyde-park; and we your friend there, ay, or your friend's friend, were thought to have gone a walking: but we my false husband. went up unawares though we were sworn to secrecy too; madam Marwood took a book husband my friend! what do you mean? and swore us both upon it: but it was but a book of poems. So long as it was not a Bible oath, we may break it with a safe conscience. Mrs. F. This discovery is the most opportune thing I could wish-Now, Mincing! Enter MINCING. Mrs. F. Í know what I mean, madam, and so do you; and so shall the world at a time. convenient. Mrs. Mar. I am sorry to see you so sionate, madam. More temper would look pasmore like innocence. But I have done. I am sorry my zeal to serve your ladyship and faMin. My lady would speak with Mrs. Foi-mily should admit of misconstruction, or make ble, mem. Mr. Mirabell is with her; he has me liable to affronts. You will pardon me, set your spouse at liberty, Mrs. Foible, and madam, if I meddle no more with an affair, would have you hide yourself in my lady's in which I am not personally concern'd closet, till my old lady's anger is abated. O, Lady W. O dear friend, I am so ashamed my old lady is in a perilous passion, at some that you should meet with such returns;—you thing Mr. Fainall has said; he swears, and ought to ask pardon on your knees, ungratemy old lady cries. There's a fearful hurricane, ful creature; she deserves more from you, He says, mem, how that he'll have than all your life can accomplish-O don't my lady's fortune made over to him, or he'll lease me destitute in this perplexity;-no, stick be divorced. to me, my good genius. I vow. Mrs. F. Does your lady or Mirabell know that? Mrs. F. I tell you, madam, you're abused -Stick to you? ay, like a leach, to suck your Min. Yes, mem, they have sent me to see best blood she'll drop of when she's full. if sir Wilfull be sober, and to bring him to Madam, you shan't pawn a bodkin, nor part them. My lady is resolved to have him, I with a brass counter, in composition for me. think, rather than lose such a vast sum as six I defy 'em all. Let 'em prove their aspersions: thousand pounds. O, come Mrs. Foible, I know my own innocence, and dare stand hear my old lady. a trial. Mrs. F. Foible, you must tell Mincing, that she must prepare to vouch when I call her. Foi. Yes, yes, madam. Min. O, yes, mem, I'll vouch any thing for your ladyship's service, be what it will. [Exeunt Foible and Mincing. [Exit. Lady W. Why, if she should be innocent, if she should be wrong'd after all, ha? I don't know what to think-and I promise you, her education has been very unexceptionable-I may say it; for I chiefly made it my own care to initiate her very infancy in the rudiments of virtue, and to impress upon her tenEnter LADY WISHFORT and MRS. MARWOOD. der years a young odium and aversion to the Lady W. O my dear friend, how can I very sight of men-ay, friend, she would ha' enumerate the benefits that I have received shriek'd if she had but seen a man, till she from your goodness? To you I owe the timely was in her teens. As I'm a person 'tis true. discovery of the false vows of Mirabell; to-She was never suffer'd to play with a maleyou I owe the detection of the impostor sir child, though but in coats; nay, her very baRowland and now you are become an inter-bies were of the feminine gender.-O, she never cessor with my son-in-law, to save the honour look'd a man in the face, but her own father, of my house, and compound for the frailties or the chaplain; and him we made a shift to of my daughter. Well, friend, you are enough put upon her for a woman, by the help of to reconcile me to the bad world, or else I his long garments and his sleek face; till she would retire to deserts and solitudes, and feed was going in her fifteen. harmless sheep by groves and purling streams. Mrs. Mar. 'Twas much she should be deDear Marwood, let us leave the world, and ceived so long. Lady W. I warrant you, or she would never Mrs. Mar. That condition, I dare answer, have borne to have been catechized by him; my lady will consent to, without difficulty; and have heard his long lectures against sing-she has already but too much experienced the ing and dancing, and such debaucheries; and perfidiousness of men. Besides, madam, when going to filthy plays, and profane music-meet- we retire to our pastoral solitude, we shall ings. O, she would have swoon'd at the sight bid adieu to all other thoughts. or name of an obscene play-book-and can I Lady W. Ay, that's true. think, after all this, that my daughter can be Fain. Next, my wife shall settle on me the naught? What, a whore? and thought it ex- remainder of her fortune, not made over alcommunication to set her foot within the door ready; and for her maintenance depend enof a playhouse. O dear friend, I can't believe tirely on my discretion. it. No, no; as she says, let him prove it, let Lady W. This is most inhumanly savage; him prove it. exceeding the barbarity of a Muscovite husband. Mrs. Mar. Prove it, madam? what, and Fain. I learn'd it from his czarish majesty's have your name prostituted in a public court; retinue, in a winter evening's conference over yours and your daughter's reputation worried brandy and pepper, amongst other secrets of at the bar by a pack of bawling lawyers; to matrimony and policy, as they are at present be ushered in with an O-yes) of scandal; practised in the northern hemisphere. But this and have your case opened by an old fumbler must be agreed unto, and that positively. Lastly, in a coif like a man-midwife, to bring your I will be endow'd, in right of my wife, with daughter's infamy to light; to be a theme for that six thousand pounds, which is the moiety legal punsters, and quibblers by the statute; of Mrs. Millamant's fortune in your possesand become a jest, against a rule of court, sion; and which she has forfeited (as will apwhere there is no precedent for a jest in any pear by the last will and testament of your record; not even in Doomsday-book; to dis-deceased husband, sir Jonathan Wishfort), by compose the gravity of the bench, and provoke her disobedience in contracting herself against naughty interrogatories in more naughty law your consent or knowledge; and by refusing the offer'd match with sir Wilfull Witwould, which you, like a careful aunt, had provided for her. Latin. Lady W. O, tis very hard! Mrs. Mar. And then to have my young revellers of the Temple take notes, like 'prentices at a conventicle; and after talk it over again in commons, or before drawers in an eating-house. Lady W. Worse and worse. Lady W. My nephew was non compos, and could not make his addresses. Fain. I come to make deinands-I'll hear no objections. Lady W. You will grant me time to con Mrs. Mar. Nay, this is nothing; if it would sider? end here 'twere well. But it must after this Fain. Yes, while the instrument is drawing, be consign'd by the short-hand writers to the to which you must set your hand till more public press; and from thence be transferr'd sufficient deeds can be perfected, which I will to the hands, nay, into the throats and lungs take care shall be done with all possible speed. of hawkers, with voices more licentious than In the mean while I will go for the said inthe loud flounder-man's: 2) and this you must strument, and till my return you may balance hear till you are stunn'd; nay, you must hear this matter in your own discretion. Exit. nothing else for some days. Lady W. O,'tis insupportable! No, no, dear friend, make it up, make it up; ay, ay, I'll compound. I'll give up all, myself and my all, my niece and her all-any thing, every thing, for composition. Lady W. This insolence is beyond all precedent, all parallel; must I be subject to this merciless villain? Mrs. Mar. 'Tis severe indeed, madam, that you should smart for your daughter's failings. Lady W. Twas against my consent that Mrs. Mar. Nay, madam, I advise nothing; she married this barbarian; but she would have I only lay before you, as a friend, the incon- him, though her year was not out-Ah! her veniences which perhaps you have overseen. first husband, my son Languish, would not Here comes Mr. Fainall; if he will be satis-have carried it thus. Well, that was my fied to huddle up all in silence, I shall be glad. choice, this is hers; she is match'd now with You must think I would rather congratulate a witness-I shall be mad, dear friend; is there than condole with you. Enter FAINALL. Lady W. Ay, ay, I do not doubt it, dear Marwood: no, no, I do not doubt it. Fain. Well, madam; I have suffer'd myself to be overcome by the importunity of this lady your friend; and am content you shall enjoy your own proper estate during life; on condition you oblige yourself never to marry, under such penalty as I think convenient. Lady W. Never to marry! no comfort for me? Must I live to be confis- Enter MRS. MILLAMANT and SIR WILFULL. Lady W. Out, caterpillar! call not me aunt; know thee not. Sir W. I confess I have been a little in disguise, as they say,-'Sheart! and I'm sorry for't. What would you have? I hope I committed no offence, aunt-and if I did I am wil Fain. No more sir Rowlands-the next im-ling to make satisfaction; and what can a man posture may not be so timely detected, say fairer? If I have broke any thing I'll pay for't, an it cost a pound. And so let that content for what's past, and make no more words. For what's to come, to pleasure you I'm willing to marry my cousin. So pray let's all be friends; she and I are agreed upon the matter before a witness. Lady W. How's this, dear niece? have I any comfort? can this be true? Mir. Let me be pitied first, and afterwards forgotten: I ask no more. Sir W. By'r lady a very reasonable request, and will cost you nothing, aunt. Come, come, forgive and forget, aunt; why you must, an Mrs. Mill. I am content to be a sacrifice to you are a Christian. your repose, madam; and to convince you Mir. Consider, madam, in reality, you could that I had no hand in the plot, as you were not receive much prejudice; it was an innomisinform'd, I have laid my commands on cent device, though I confess it had a face of Mirabell to come in person, and be a witness guiltiness; it was at most an artifice which that I give my hand to this flower of knight-love contrived; and errors which love produhood; and for the contract that pass'd between ces have ever been accounted venial. At least, Mirabell and me, I have obliged him to make think it is punishment enough, that I have lost a resignation of it in your ladyship's presence; what in my heart I hold most dear; that to -he is without, and waits your leave for your cruel indignation I have offer'd up this beauty, and with her my peace and quiet; admittance. Lady W. Well, I'll swear I am something nay, all my hopes of future comfort. revived at this testimony of your obedience; Sir W. An he does not move me, would I but I cannot admit that traitor-I fear I can-may never be o'the quorum. An it were not not fortify myself to support his appearance. as good a deed as to drink, to give her to He is as terrible to me as a Gorgon; if I see him again, I would I might never take shiphim, I fear I shall turn to stone, and petrify ping. Aunt, if you don't forgive quickly, I incessantly. shall melt, I can tell you that. My contract went no farther than a little mouth-glue, and that's hardly dry; one doleful sigh more from my fellow-traveller, and 'tis dissolved. Lady W. Well, nephew, upon your ac Mrs. Mill. If you disoblige him, he may resent your refusal, and insist upon the contract still. Then 'tis the last time he will be offensive to you. Lady W. Are you sure it will be the last count-ah, he has a false, insinuating tongue. time? if I were sure of that shall I never Well, sir, I will stifle my just resentment, at see him again? my nephew's request; I will endeavour what Mrs. Mill. Sir Wilfull, you and he are to I can to forget, but on proviso that you resign travel together, are you not? the contract with my niece immediately. Sir V. 'Sheart, the gentleman's a civil gen- Mir. It is in writing, and with papers of tleman, aunt, let him come in; why we are concern; but I have sent my servant for it, sworn brothers and fellow-travellers. We are and will deliver it to you, with all acknowto be Pylades and Orestes, he and I; he is ledgments for your transcendent goodness. to be my interpreter in foreign parts. He has Lady W. Oh, he has witchcraft in his eyes been over-seas once already: and with proviso and tongue: when I did not see him, I could that I marry my cousin, will cross 'em once have bribed a villain to his assassination; but again, only to bear me company. 'Sheart, I'll his appearance rakes the embers which have call him in-an I set on't once, he shall come so long lain smother'd in my breast. [Aside. in; and see who'll hinder him. [Goes to the Door and hems. Mrs. Mar. This is precious fooling, if it would pass; but I'll know the bottom of it. Lady W. O, dear Marwood, you are not going Enter FAINALL and MRS. MARWOOD. Fain. Your debate of deliberation, madam, is expired. Here is the instrument, are you prepar'd to sign? Lady W. If I were prepared, I am not empower'd. My niece exerts a lawful claim, ha[Exit. ving match'd herself by my direction to sir Wilfull. Mrs. Mar. Not far, madam; I'll return immediately. Enter MIRAbell. Fain. That sham is too gross to pass on Sir W. Look up, man, I'll stand by you! me; though 'tis imposed on you, madam. 'sbud, an she do frown, she can't kill you; Mrs. Mill. Sir, I have given my consent. besides, harkee, she dare not frown desperate- Mir. And, sir, I have resign'd my pretensions. ly, because her face is none of her own; Sir W. And, sir, I assert my right; and 'sheart, and she should, her forehead would will maintain it in defiance of you, sir, and wrinkle like the coat of a cream-cheese; but of your instrument. 'Sheart, an you talk of mum for that, fellow-traveller. an instrument, sir, I have an old fox by my Mir. If a deep sense of the many injuries thigh shall hack your instrument of ram velI have offer'd to so good a lady, with a sin- lum to shreds, sir. It shall not be sufficient cere remorse, and a hearty contrition, can but for a mittimus, or a tailor's measure; thereobtain the least glance of compassion, I am fore withdraw your instrument, or by'r lady too happy. Ab, madam, there was a time, I shall draw mine. but let it be forgotten; I confess I have de- Lady W. Hold, nephew, hold. servedly forfeited the high place I once held, Mrs. Mill. Good sir Wilfull, respite your of sighing at your feet; nay, kill me not, by valour. turning from me in disdain, I come not to Fain Indeed! are you provided of your plead for favour; nay, not for pardon; I am guard, with your single beef-eater there? But a suppliant only for pity, I am going where I never shall behold you more. Sir W. How, fellow-traveller! you shall by yourself then. am prepared for you; and insist upon my first proposal. You shall submit your own go estate to my management, and absolutely make lover my wife's to my sole use; as pursuant |