Acres. Not I, upon my soul!

Sir Luc. We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

Acres. What! fight him!

Sir Luc. Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else? Acres. But he has given me no provocation. Sir Luc. Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.

Oh,

Acres. Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life.

Sir Luc. That's no argument at all-he has the less right then to take such a liberty.

Acres. Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, sir Lucius !-I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side?

Sir Luc. What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.

Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were a kind of courage, as I may say.-Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.

Sir Luc. Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man!-For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.

Acres. O sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! -every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!-Odds balls and barrels ! say no more-I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast; -Zounds! as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds!

Sir Luc. Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case-these things should always be done civilly.

Acres. I must be in a passion, sir Lucius-I must be in a rage.-Dear sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper. -[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red!

Sir Luc. I shall expect the honour of your company

Acres. Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.
Sir Luc. Pray be easy.

Acres. Well then, honour of your company-
Sir Luc. To settle our pretensions-
Acres. Well.

Sir Luc. Let me see, ay, King's Mead-field will do-in King's Mead-fields.

Acres. So, that's done.-Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest-a hand and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir Luc. You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

Acres. Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

Sir Luc. Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.-Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow. Acres. Very true.

Sir Luc. So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.—I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out.

Acres. By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir Luc. I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well for the present-but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner.-Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword. [Exeunt severally.

SCENE I-ACRES's Lodgings.

ACRES and DAVID.

Dav. Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing-ne'er a sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wa'n't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?

Acres. Ah! David, if you had heard sir Lucius! -Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour.

Dav. Not he, indeed. I hates such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you'd wanted a bout at boxing, quarter-staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.

Acres. But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

Dav. Ay, by the mass and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.

Acres. Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!

Dav. I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.-Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant. -Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me); well-my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.-So-we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh!-I kill him—(the more's my luck !) Now, pray who gets the profit of it?-Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!-by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

Acres. No, David-in that case !-Odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave. Dav. Now, that's just the place where I could

make a shift to do without it.

Acres. Zounds! David, you are a coward!—It doesn't become my valour to listen to you.-What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?-Think of that, David-think what it would be to disgrace my

ancestors!

Dav. Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in such haste-with an ounce of lead in your brains-I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.

Acres. But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great danger, hey?Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!

Dav. By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!-Oons! here to meet some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols !-Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to think o't!-Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never could abide 'em-from a child I never could fancy 'em!-I suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol!

Acres. Zounds! I won't be afraid!-Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me afraid.-Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack Absolute to carry it for me.

Dav. Ay, i'the name of mischief, let him be the messenger. For my part, I wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a soldier's pouch!-Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go off! Acres. Out, you poltroon! you han't the valour of a grasshopper.

Dav. Well, I say no more-'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but I ha' done.-How Phillis will howl when she hears of it!-Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.

Abs. But what did you want with me, Bob?

Acres. Oh!-There- [Gives him the challenge. Abs. [Aside.] To Ensign Beverley.-So, what's going on now!-[Aloud.] Well, what's this? Acres. A challenge!

Abs. Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?

Acres. Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full of rage-and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn't be wasted.

Abs. But what have I to do with this?

Acres. Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.

Abs. Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it. Acres. Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack;

but it is giving you a great deal of trouble. Abs. Not in the least-I beg you won't mention it. No trouble in the world, I assure you.

Acres. You are very kind.—What it is to have a friend! You couldn't be my second, could you, Jack?

Abs. Why no, Bob-not in this affair-it would not be quite so proper.

Acres. Well, then, I must get my friend sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes, however, Jack?

Abs. Whenever he meets you, believe me.

Re-enter Servant.

Ser. Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

Abs. I'll come instantly.-[Exit Servant.] Well, my little hero, success attend you.

[Going.

Acres. Stay-stay, Jack.-If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow-will you, Jack?

Abs. To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog-hey, Bob!

Acres. Ay, do, do-and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So tell him I generally kill a man a-week; will you, Jack?

Abs. I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.

Acres. Right-right-'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life if I clear my honour.

Abs. No-that's very kind of you.

Acres. Why, you don't wish me to kill him-do you, Jack?

Abs. No, upon my soul, I do not. of a fellow, hey?

But a devil [Going.

Acres. True, true-but stay-stay, Jack-you may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before-a most devouring rage!

Abs. I will, I will.

Acres. Remember, Jack-a determined dog! Abs. Ay, ay, Fighting Bob! [Exeunt severally.

SCENE II.-Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings.

Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA.

Mrs. Mal. Why, thou perverse one!-tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a handsome man?-tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

Lyd. [Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising-Aloud.] So is Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs. Mal. No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young woman. Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman! Lyd. Ay, the captain Absolute you have seen.

[Aside.

Mrs. Mal. Then he's so well bred ;-so full of alacrity and adulation !—and has so much to say

for himself:-in such good language too! His physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play :

'Hesperian curls-the front of Job himself!An eye, like March, to threaten at command !— A station, like Harry Mercury, new—” Something about kissing-on a hill-however, the similitude struck me directly.

Lyd. How enraged she'll be presently when she discovers her mistake! [Aside.

Enter Servant.

Ser. Sir Anthony and captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. Mal. Show them up here.-[Exit Servant.] Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your good breed-| ing, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

Lyd. Madam, I have told you my resolution !— I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.

Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and Captain ABSOLUTE.

Sir Anth. Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty,-and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow.-I don't know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have given me the slip.

Mrs. Mal. You have infinite trouble, sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the cause! -[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!-pay your respects!

Sir Anth. I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance. -[Aside to Captain ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.

Abs. [Aside.] What the devil shall I do![Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she

Lyd. [Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself.-How strangely blind my aunt must be!

Abs. Hem! hem! madam-hem!-[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded !-and-so-so-confused!

I told you I should be so, sir—I knew it.—The— the tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir Anth. But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?-Go up, and speak to her directly! [Captain ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALA PROP to leave them together.

Mrs. Mal. Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?-[Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen!

Sir Anth. Not yet, ma'am, not yet!-[Aside to Captain ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or—

Abs. [Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!-I must disguise my voice. -[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not

Sir Anth. What the devil ails the fellow? Why don't you speak out?-not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

Abs. The-the-excess of my awe, and mymy-my modesty, quite choke me!

Sir Anth. Ah! your modesty again?—I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage!-Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA. Abs. [Aside.] So all will out, I see !-[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

Lyd. [Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on Sir Anthony too![Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this possible!-my Beverley !-how can this be?—my Beverley?

Mrs. Mal. For shame, hussy! for shame!your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes!-beg captain Absolute's pardon directly.

Lyd. I see no captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley !

Sir Anth. Zounds! the girl's mad!—her brain's turned by reading.

find in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant hey! Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. Mal. Well, sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the past!-so mind, young people-our retrospection will be all to the future.

Sir Anth. Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into each other's arms, I warrant !-Jack-isn't the cheek as I said, hey?—and the eye, you rogue !-and the lip their tenderness-theirs is the time of life for hap

Sir Anth. Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam !-or has this fellow being playing us a rogue's trick!— Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

Abs. Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect.

Sir Anth. Are you my son or not?-answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me.

Mrs. Mal. Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect !—

Abs. [Aside.] Ye powers'of impudence, befriend me!-[Aloud.] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown-Mrs. Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate nephew. I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name and a station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.

Lyd. So !-there will be no elopement after all! [Sullenly.

Sir Anth. Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice, I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance !

Abs. Oh, you flatter me, sir,-you compliment 'tis my modesty you know, sir-my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir Anth. Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be, however !I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog-I am. So this was your penitence, your duty and obedience !-I thought it was damned sudden ! You never heard their names before, not you!what the Languishes of Worcestershire, hey?-if you could please me in the affair it was all you desired!-Ah! you dissembling villain !-What! [Pointing to LYDIA] she squints don't she 2-a little red-haired girl!-hey-Why, you hypocritical young rascal !-I wonder you an't ashamed to hold up your head!

Abs. 'Tis with difficulty, sir.-I am confusedvery much confused, as you must perceive.

Mrs. Mal. O Lud! Sir Anthony!-a new light breaks in upon me!-hey !-how! what! captain, did you write the letters then?-What-am I to thank you for the elegant compilation of an old weather-beaten she-dragon-hey !-O mercy!was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

Abs. Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist me.-I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir Anth. Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;-odds life! matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could

-hey!-Odds life! I'm in such spirits,-I don't know what I could not do !-Permit me, ma'am[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-derol-'gad, I should like to have a little fooling myself Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP.-LYDIA sits sullenly in her chair.

Abs. [Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good.-[Aloud.] So grave, Lydia! Lyd. Sir !

Abs. [Aside.] So !-egad! I thought as much! -that damned monosyllable has froze me !— [Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our friends' consent, as in our mutual vowsLyd. Friends' consent indeed! [Peevishly.

Abs. Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance-a little wealth and comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers shall make such settlements as

Lyd. Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

Abs. Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly procure the licence, and— Lyd. The licence !-I hate licence !

Abs. Oh my love! be not so unkind !—thus let me entreat[Kneeling. Lyd. Psha!-what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

Abs. [Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your inclinations, I promise you. -If I have lost your heart-I resign the rest.— [Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will

do.

Lyd. [Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud.-What, you have been treating me like a child!—humouring my romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

Abs. You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong meonly hear

Lyd. So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all-behold my hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and approbation-and I am myself the only dupe at last!-[Walking about in a heat.] But here, sir, here is the picture-Beverley's picture! [taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and entreaties!There, sir; [flings it to him] and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.

Abs. Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that. Here, [taking out a picture] here is Miss Lydia Languish.-What a difference!-ay, there is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my hopes!-those are the lips which

sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have checked the ardour of my thanks !--Well, all that's past!-all over indeed!-There, madam-in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is such-that-I cannot find in my heart to part with [Puts it up again. Lyd. [Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir-I, I, I suppose you are perfectly satisfied.

it.

Abs. O, most certainly-sure, now, this is much better than being in love !-ha! ha! ha!-there's some spirit in this !-What signifies breaking some scores of solemn promises :-all that's of no consequence, you know.-To be sure people will say, that miss didn't know her own mind-but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her-but don't let that fret you.

Lyd. There is no bearing his insolence.

[Bursts into tears. Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.

Mrs. Mal. Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

Lyd. This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate! [Sobbing.

Sir Anth. What the devil's the matter now!Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the oddest billing and cooing I ever heard!-but what the deuse is the meaning of it?—I am quite astonished! Abs. Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. Mal. Oh mercy! - I'm quite analysed, for my part!-Why, Lydia, what is the reason of this?

Lyd. Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir Anth. Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy!— Why, Jack, you are not come out to be any one else, are you?

Mrs. Mal. Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there?-you are not like Cerberus, three gentlemen at once, are you?

Abs. You'll not let me speak-I say the lady can account for this much better than I can.

Lyd. Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again-there is the man-I now obey you for, from this moment, I renounce him for ever.

[Exit. Mrs. Mal. O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is why sure, captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.

Sir Anth. Ha! ha! ha!-ha! ha! ha!-now I see it. Ha ha ha!-now I see it-you have been too lively, Jack.

so.

Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word

Sir Anth. Come, no lying, Jack-I'm sure 'twas

Mrs. Mal. O Lud! sir Anthony !-O fy, captain !

Abs. Upon my soul, ma'am

Sir Anth. Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before you :-the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient.-Ha! ha! ha! poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

Abs. By all that's good, sir

Sir Anth. Zounds! say no more, I tell youMrs. Malaprop shall make your peace.-You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop :-you must tell

her 'tis Jack's way-tell her 'tis all our ways-it runs in the blood of our family!-Come away, Jack-Ha ha! ha! Mrs. Malaprop—a young villain ! [Pushing him out.

Mrs. Mal. O sir Anthony !-O fy, captain! [Exeunt severally.

SCENE III.-The North Parade.

Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.

Sir Luc. I wonder where this captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience! these officers are always in one's way in love affairs :—I remember I might have married lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to be so fond of them-unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em, that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of red cloth. Ha! isn't this the captain coming?— faith it is!-There is a probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking! Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside.

Enter Captain ABSOLUTE.

Abs. [Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting? a noble reward for all my schemes, upon my soul!-a little gipsy-I did not think her romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never was in a worse humour in my life!-I could cut my own throat, or any other person's, with the greatest pleasure in the world!

Sir Luc. Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a sweeter temper for my purpose to be sure I'm just come in the nick! Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel genteelly.-[Goes up to Captain ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter, captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with

you.

Abs. Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant:-because, sir, I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.

Sir Luc. That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an untruth as well as speak one.

Abs. Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think they might stand a chance of escaping controversy.

Sir Luc. Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same thing.

Abs. Hark'ee, sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman, upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot conceive!

Sir Luc. I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your apprehension.-[Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at.

Abs. Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations.-But I should be glad you would please to explain your motives.

Sir Luc. Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it stands; we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your memory is very short, or you could not have forgot