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words from Hyppocrites and Allen, as he has the future, that we'll both endeavour to give from his nonsensical trumpery, ha, ha! I don't you all the satisfaction in our power. know, between you and I, but he might pass for a very good physician.

Dick. And must I leave thee, Juliet? Char. Nay, but pr'ythee now have done with your speeches. You see we are brought to the last distress, and so you had better make it up. [Apart to Dick. Dick. Why, for your sake, my dear, I don't care if I do. [Apart] Sir, you shall find, for

Win. Very well, that's right.

Dick. And since we don't go on the stage,
'tis some comfort that the world's a stage, and
all the men and women merely players.
Some play the upper, some the under parts,
And most assume what's foreign to their
hearts;

Thus life is but a tragic-comic jest,
And all is farce and mummery at best.
[Exeunt.

FARCE by David Garrick.

THE LYING VALET,

One of the earlier productions of this excellent writer, but abounding with spirit, incident and variety. The language is well adapted to the characters, and the piece has ever met with considerable success on the stage.

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ACT I.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

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SCENE I.-GAYLESS's Lodgings.

Enter GAYLESS and SHARP.

Sharp. How, sir, shall you be married tomorrow? Eh, I'm afraid you joke with your humble servant. poor

MRS. GADABOUT.

MRS. TRIPPET.

certainly be a very great philosopher, sir, to moralize and declaim so charmingly as you do, about honour and conscience, when your doors are beset with bailiffs, and not one single guinea in your pocket to bribe the villains. [sirrah! Guy. Don't be witty, and give your advice, Gay. I tell thee, Sharp, last night Melissa Sharp. Do you be wise, and take it, sir. consented, and fixed to-morrow for the happy But to be serious; you certainly have spent day. your fortune, and out-lived your credit, as Sharp. 'Tis well she did, sir, or it might your pockets and my belly can testify your have been a dreadful one for us, in our pre-father has disowned you; all your friends forsent condition: all your money, spent, your sook you, except myself, who am starving moveables sold, your honour almost ruined, with you. Now, sir, if you marry this young and your humble servant almost starved; we lady, who as yet, thank heaven, knows nocould not possibly have stood it two days thing of your misfortunes, and by that means longer. But if this young lady will marry procure a better fortune than that you squanyou, and relieve us, o'my conscience, I'll turn dered away, make a good husband, and turn friend to the sex, and think of a wife myself. economist, you still may be happy, may still Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I be sir William's heir, and the lady too no have imposed upon her, I am almost resolved loser by the bargain.-There's reason and arto throw myself at her feet, tell her the real gument, sir. situation of my affairs, ask her pardon, and implore her pity.

sir.

Sharp. After marriage, with all my heart,

Gay. What, because I am poor, shall I abandon my honour?

Gay. Twas with that prospect I first made love to her.

Sharp. Pray then make no more objections to the marriage. You see I am reduced to my waistcoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin Sharp. Yes, you must, sir, or abandon me: with you; and then we shall be forced to so pray discharge one of us; for eat I must, keep house, and die by inches. Look you, and speedily too: and you know very well that sir, if you won't resolve to take my advice, that bonour of yours will neither introduce while you have one coat to your back, I must you to a great man's table, nor get me credit e'en take to my heels while I have strength to for a single beef-steak.

Gay. What can I do? Sharp. Nothing, while honour sticks in your throat: do gulp, master, and down with it. Gay. Pr'ythee leave me to my thoughts. Sharp. Leave you! No, not in such bad company, I'll assure you. Why you must

run, and something to cover me: so, sir, wishing you much comfort and consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and half-starv'd friend and servant. [Going. Gay. Hold, Sharp, you won't leave me? Sharp. I must eat, sir; by my honour and appetite, I must!

- Gay. Well then, I am resolved to favour name any particular place, it lies in so many: the cheat; and as I shall quite change my for- his effects are divided, some here, some there; mer course of life, happy may be the conse- his steward hardly knows himself. quences: at least, of this I am sureKitty. Scatter'd, scatter'd, I suppose. But Sharp. That you can't be worse than you harkye, Sharp, what's become of your furnic are at present. [A Knocking without. ture? You seem to be a little bare here at Gay. Who's there? present. Sharp. Some of your former good friends, Sharp. Why, you must know, as soon as who favoured you with money at fifty per the wedding was fixed, my master ordered cent, and helped you to spend it; and are me to remove his goods into a friend's house, now become daily memento's to you of the to make room for a ball which he designs to folly of trusting rogues, and laughing at my give here the day after the marriage. advice.

Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! for Gay. Cease your impertinence !-to the door! my mistress designs to have a ball and enter-If they are duns, tell 'em my marriage is tainment here to-night before the marriage; now certainly fixed, and persuade 'em still to and that's my business with your master. forbear a few days longer.-And do you hear, Sharp. The devil it is! [Aside. Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, Kitty. She'll not have it public; she designs say I am not at home, lest the bad appearance, to invite only eight or ten couple of friends. we make here should make 'em suspect something to our disadvantage.

Sharp. No more?

Kitty. No more: and she ordered me to Sharp. I'll obey you, sir; but I'm afraid desire your master not to make a great enthey will easily discover the consumptive si-tertainment.

tenance.

tuation of our affairs by my chop-fallen coun- Sharp. Oh, never fear. [Exit. Kitty. Ten or a dozen little nice things, Gay. These very rascals who are now con- with some fruit, I believe, will be enough in tinually dunning and persecuting me, were all conscience. the very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship.

Sharp. [Without] Upon my word, Mrs. Kitty, my master's not at home.

Kitty. [Without] Lookye, Sharp, I must and will see him.

Gay. Ha, what do I hear? Melissa's maid! -She's coming up stairs. What must I do? -I'll get into this closet and listen. [Exit.

Re-enter SHARP, with KITTY.

Sharp. Oh, curse your conscience! [Aside. Kitty. And what do you think I have done of my own head?

Sharp. What?

Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: won't your master be surprised?

Sharp. Much so, indeed!

Kitty. Well, be quick and find out your master, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Kitty. I must know where he is, and wil-Pr'ythee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? know too, Mr. Impertinence! I have not seen you for some time, and you seem to look a little thin.

Mrs.

Sharp. Not of me you won't. [Aside] He's not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty. I don't Sharp. Oh, my unfortunate face! [Aside] know myself. Do you think I can conjure? I'm in pure good health, thank you, Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; Kitty; and I'll assure you I have a very good therefore don't trifle with me. I come from stomach, never better in all my life; and I my mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, am as full of vigour, hussy! what's to be done to-morrow morning?

must.

[Offers to kiss her. Sharp. Ay, and to-morrow night too, girl! Kitty. What, with that face?-Well, by, Kitty. Not if I can help it. [Aside] But by. [Going] Oh, Sharp, what ill-looking felcome, where is your master? for see him I lows are those, were standing about your door when I came in? They want your maSharp. Pray, Mrs. Kitty, what's your opi-ster too, I suppose? nion of this match between my master and Sharp. Hum! Yes, they are waiting for him. your mistress? They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money.

Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his te nants stand in the street?

Sharp. They choose it; as they seldom come to town, they are willing to see as much of it as they can when they do: they are raw, ignorant, honest people.

Kitty, Why, I have no opinion of it at all; and yet most of our wants will be relieved by it too; for instance now, your master will get a fortune, that's what I'm afraid he wants; my mistress will get a husband, that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, aud I an opportunity of breaking your head for your im- Kitty. Well, I'must run home-farewell!pertinence. But do you hear? Get something substantial Sharp. Madam, I'm your most humble ser- for us in the kitchen: a bam, a turkey, or vant! But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, I am what you will. We'll be very merry. And positively against the match; for, was I a man be sure to remove the tables and chairs away of my master's fortunethere too, that we may have room to dance: Kitty. You'd marry, if you could, and mend I can't bear to be confined in my French dan it; ha, ha, ha!-Pray, Sharp, where does your ces-tal, lal, lal. [Dances] Well, adieu! Without any compliment, I shall die, if ! Exil

master's estate lie?

Sharp. Lie, lie! why, it lies-'faith, I can't don't see you soon.

Sharp. And, without any compliment, Iin love with an hundred, and tried 'em all; pray heaven you may!

Re-enter GAYLESS. They look for some time sorrowful at each other.

Gay. Oh, Sharp!
Sharp. Oh, master!

Gay. We are certainly undone!
Sharp. That's no news to me.

and know 'em to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding, bewitching devils.

Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with may answer the character you give 'em; but Mr. Gayless—

Kitty. Is a man, madam.

Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him.

Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers-ten Kitty. With all my heart.-I have given or a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit you my sentiments upon the occasion, and -my lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey! shall leave you to your own inclinations. Sharp. Say no more; the very sound crea- Mel. Oh, madam, I am much obliged to tes an appetite: and I am sure, of late, I have you for your great condescension; ha, ha, ha! had no occasion for whetters and provocatives. However, I have so great a regard for your Gay. Cursed misfortune! what can we do? opinion, that had I certain proofs of his vilSharp. Hang ourselves; I see no other re- lanymedy; except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper, without meat or music.

Gay. Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress me, and break off the match. Sharp. I don't believe it, sir; begging your pardon.

Kitty. Of his poverty you may have a hundred; I am sure I have had none to the contrary.

Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches. [Aside. Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper with little endearing Gay. No! why did her maid then make so civilities; and one might reasonably expect, strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs? when a man is deficient in one way, that he Sharp. For two very substantial reasons; should make it up in another. [A Knocking. the first, to satisfy a curiosity natural to her Mel. See who's at the door. [Exit Kitty] as a woman; the second, to have the pleasure I must be cautious how I hearken too much of my conversation, very natural to her as a to this girl: her bad opinion of Mr. Gayless woman of taste and understanding. seems to arise from his disregard of her.

Gay Pr'ythee be more serious: is not our all at stake?

Re-enter KITTY, with SHARP.

Sharp. Yes, sir; and yet that all of ours is So, Sharp, have you found your master? of so little consequence, that a man, with a Will things be ready for the ball and entervery small share of philosophy, may part from tainment?

it without much pain or uneasiness. Howe- Sharp. To your wishes, madam. I have ver, sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, just now bespoke the music and supper, and that Mrs. Melissa knows nothing of your cir- wait now for your ladyship's further commands. cumstances. And I'll tell you what too, sir, Mel. My compliments to your master, and she shan't be here to-night, and yet you shall let him know I and my company will be with marry her to-morrow morning. him by six; we design to drink tea, and play at cards, before we dance.

Gay. How, how, dear Sharp?

Sharp. 'Tis here, here, sir! warm, warm; and delays will cool it; therefore I'll away to her, and do you be as merry as love and poverty will permit you.

Kitty. So shall I and my company, Mr. Sharp.

Aside.
Aside.

Sharp. Mighty well, madam! Mel. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? 'Tis too cool to go so

Would you succeed, a faithful friend depute,
Whose head can plan, and front can exe-airy, sure.
[Exeunt.

cute.

SCENE II-MELISSA'S Lodgings.

Enter MELISSA and KITTY. Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! the master not at home, the man in confusion, no furniture in the house, and ill-looking fellows about the doors! 'Tis all a riddle.

Kitty. But very easy to be explained. Mel. Pr'ythee explain it then, nor keep me longer in suspense.

Kitty. The affair is this, madam: Mr. Gayless is over head and ears in debt; you are over head and ears in love; you'll marry him to-morrow; the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the re

mainder.

Mel. I cannot think him base.

Kitty. But I know they are all base. You are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I am young too, but have more experience: you never was in love before; I have been

Kitty. Mr. Sharp, madam, is of a very hot constitution; ha, ha, ha!

Sharp. If it had been ever so cool, I have had enough to warm me since I came from home, I'm sure; but no matter for that. [Sighs. Mel. What d'ye mean?

Sharp. Pray don't ask me, madam; I beseech you don't let us change the subject.

Kitty. Insist upon knowing it, madam.-My curiosity must be satisfied, or I shall burst.

[Aside.

Mel. I do insist upon knowing; on pain of my displeasure, tell me!

Sharp. If my master should know-I must not tell you, madam, indeed.

Mel. I promise you, upon my honour, he never shall.

Sharp. But can your ladyship insure secrecy from that quarter?

Kitty. Yes, Mr. Jackanapes, for any thing you can say. Mel. I engage for her. [not tell you. Sharp. Why then, in short, madam-I can

Mel. Don't trifle with me. Mel. Very well!-But I'll be revenged. And Sharp. Then since you will have it, ma- did not you tell your master of this? dam, I lost my coat in defence of your reputation.

Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would certainly have murdered half the attor

Mel. In defence of my reputation? Sharp. I will assure you, madam, I've suf-nies in town by this time. fered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own. Mel, Pr'ythee explain.

Sharp. In short, madam, you was seen, about a month ago, to make a visit to master alone.

Mel. Alone! my servant was with me. Sharp. What, Mrs. Kitty? So much worse; for she was looked upon as my perty; and I was brought in guilty, as as you and my master.

Kitty. What, your property, jackanapes?
Mel. What is all this?

my

Mel. Very well!-But I'm resolved not to go to your master's to-night.

Sharp. Heavens, and my impudence, be praised! [Aside. Kitty. Why not, madam? If you are not guilty, face your accusers.

Sharp. Oh, the devil! ruined again! [Aside] the To be sure, face 'em by all means, madam: pro- they can but be abusive, and break the winwell dows a little. Besides, madam, I have thought of a way to make this affair quite diverting to you: I have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a hundred slugs, and my master has a Sharp. Why, madam, as I came out but delicate, large, Swiss broad-sword; and benow to make preparation for you and your tween us, madam, we shall so pepper and company to-night, Mrs. Pry about, the attor- slice 'em, that you will die with laughing. ney's wife at next door, calls to me: "Harkye, Mel. What, at murder? fellow!" says she, "do you and your modest master know that my husband shall indict your house, at the next parish meeting, for a nuisance?

Mel. A nuisance!

Kitty. Don't fear, madam, there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned.

Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence: besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, Sharp. I said so-"A nuisance! I believe supposing they bring the whole body of milinone in the neighbourhood live with more de- tia upon us, down but with a brace of them, cency and regularity than I and my master;" and away fly the rest of the covey.

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as is really the case.-"Decency and regular- Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't ity!" cries she, with a sneer -"why, sirrah, go; that's my resolutiou. does not my window look into your master's Kitty. Why then, I'll tell you what, mabed-chamber? And did not he bring in a cer- dam; since you are resolved not to go to the tain lady, such a day?" describing you, ma- supper, suppose the supper was to come to dam.-"And did not I see-"

Mel. See! O scandalous! What?
Sharp. Modesty requires my silence:
Mel. Did not you contradict her?

you: 'tis great pity such great preparations as Mr. Sharp has made should be thrown away. Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs. Kitty; but I can immediately run back and unbespeak

Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her I what I have ordered; 'tis soon done. was sure she lied: "for, zounds!" said I, for Mel. But then what excuse can I send to I could not help swearing, "I am so well your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not convinced of the lady's and my master's pru-coming.

dence, that I am sure, had they a mind to Sharp. Oh, terribly so!—But I have it: I'll amuse themselves, they would certainly have tell him that you were suddenly taken with drawn the window-curtains." the vapours, or qualms, or what you please,

Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did madam. not you convince her of her error and impertinence?

Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half-a-guinea for you to Sharp. She swore to such things, that I help your invention. could do nothing but swear and call names: Sharp. Half-a-guinea!-Tis so long since upon which, out bolts her husband upon me, I had any thing to do with money, that I with a fine taper crab in his hand, and fell scarcely know the current coin of my own upon me with such violence, that, being half country. Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! delirious, I made a full confession. ⚫ to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, out

Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? lie her chambermaid, and yet be paid for thy Sharp. That my master loved fornication; honesty!--But my joy will discover me. [Asithat you had no aversion to it; that Mrs. Kitty de] Madam, you have eternally fixed Timothy was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Sharp your most obedient, humble servant.Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a Oh, the delights of impudence and a good bawd, madam? understanding! [Aside, and exit. Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuffle, my Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! Was there ever such a coat was torn to pieces, as well as your re-lying varlet! with his slugs and his broadputation. [famous! swords, his attornies and broken heads, and Mel. And so you joined to make me in-nonsense! Well, madam, are you satisfied Sharp. For heaven's sake, madam, what now? Do yon want more proofs? could I do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, Mel. Of your modesty I'do; but I find you as witness my head, [Shows his Head, pla- are resolved to give me none. stered] that I would have given up all the reputations in the kingdom, rather than have my brains beat to a jelly.

Kitty. Madam!

Mel. I see through your little mean artifice: ¡you are endeavouring to lessen Mr. Gayless

in my opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occosion for.

Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed me, villain? Did you not tell me, this moment, she did not in the least suspect my cir

Kitty. Pay me, madam! I am sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr. Gay-cumstances? less for not paying me, when, I believe, 'tis his general practice.

Sharp. No more she did, sir, till I told her.
Gay. Very well!-And was this your skill

Mel. 'Tis false! He's a gentleman, and a and dexterity? man of honour, and you are

Kitty. Not in love, I thank heaven!

Mel. You are a fool.

[Courtesies.

Kitty. I have been in love, but I'm much wiser now.

Sharp. I was going to tell you, but you wou't hear reason. My melancholy face and piteous narration had such an effect upon her generous bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past.

Gay. Does she, Sharp?

Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your

Mel. Hold your tongue, impertinence! Kitty. That's the severest thing she has said face again; and, as a further consideration yet. [Aside. for so doing, she has sent you half-a-guinea. [Shows the Money.

Mel. Leave me.

Kitty. Oh, this love, this love is the devil!

[Exit.

Mel. We discover our weaknesses to our servants, make them our confidants, put 'em

Gay. What do you mean?
Sharp. To spend it, spend it, sir, and regale.
Gay. Villain, you have undone me!
Sharp. What, by bringing you money,

upon an equality with us, and so they become when you are not worth a farthing in the our advisers. Sharp's behaviour, though I whole world? Well, well, then to make you seemed to disregard it, makes me tremble with happy again, I'll keep it myself; and wish apprehensions: and though I have pretended somebody would take it in their head to load to be angry with Kitty for her advice, I think me with such misfortunes. it of too much consequence to be neglected.

Re-enter KITTY.

Kitty. May I speak, madam?

[Puts up the Money. Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal? Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed at? ha, ha, ha!-Never for the future, sir, disMel. Don't be a fool. What do you want? pute the success of my negociations, when Kitty. There is a servant, just come out of even you, who know me so well, can't help the country, says he belongs to sir William swallowing my hook. Why, sir, I could have Gayless, and has got a letter for you from his master, upon very urgent business. Mel. Sir William Gayless! What can this mean? Where is the man?

Kitty. In the little parlour, madamn. Mel. I'll go to him.-My heart flutters strangely.

played with you backwards and forwards at the end of my line till I had put your senses into such a fermentation, that you should not have known, in an hour's time, whether you was a fish or a man.

Gay. Why, what is all this you have been [Exit. telling me?

Kitty. O woman, woman, foolish woman! Sharp. A downright lie from beginning to She'll certainly have this Gayless: nay, were end.

she as well convinced of his poverty as I am, Gay. And have you really excused me to she'd have him. Here is she going to throw her?

away fifteen thousand pounds-upon what? Sharp. No, sir; but I have got this halfHe's a man, and that's all; and, heaven knows, guinea to make her excuses to you; and inmere man is but small consolation now-a- stead of a confederacy between you and me days! [Exit. to deceive her, she thinks she has brought me over to put the deceit upon you.

ACT II.
SCENE I.

Enter GAYLESS and SHARp. Gay. Pr'ythee be serious, Sharp: hast thou really succeeded?

Sharp. To our wishes, sir. In short, I have managed the business with such skill and dexterity, that neither your circumstances nor my veracity are suspected.

Gay. But how hast thou excused me from the ball and entertainment?

Sharp. Beyond expectation, sir. But in that particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, and declare the real situation of your affairs. I told her we had so long disused ourselves to dressing either dinners or suppers, that I was afraid we should be but awkward in our preparations. In short, sir, at that instant a cursed gnawing seized my stomach, that I could not help telling her, that both you and myself seldom made a good meal, nowa-days, once in a quarter of a year.

Gay. Thou excellent fellow!

Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the house immediately-the back way, I believe, will be the safest for you-and to her as fast as you can; pretend vast surprise and concern that her indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of her company here to-night. You need know no more-away!

Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her maid again.

Sharp. The devil she is! I wish I could poison her: for I'm sure while she lives I can never prosper.

Enter KITTY.

Kitty. Your door was open, so I did not stand upon ceremony.

Gay. I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken so suddenly—

Kitty. Vapours, vapours only, sir; a few matrimonial omens, that's all: but I suppose Mr. Sharp has made her excuses.

Goy. And tells me I can't have the pleasure

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