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SCENE I-A Hall in the Castle.
Enter MR. FRANK.
Frank. To what humiliation has my bad fortune reduced me, when it brings me here an bumble suppliant to my base oppressor!
of time I've lost with that beggar! [Reads. Sir,-This is to inform you that my lord Lackwit died his an heir to his estate lordship never acknowledged her as his wife-son called Robin Roughead — Robin is the legal heir to the estate-to put him in immediate possession, according to his lordship's last will and testament. Yours to command, KIT CODICIL, Atty at Law. Snacks. A letter for me by express! What Here's a catastrophe! Robin Roughead a lord! can it be about? Something of great con- My stewardship has done pretty well for me sequence from my lord, I suppose. Frank already, but I think I shall make it do better here! What the devil does he want?-Come now. I know this Robin very well; he's dea begging though, I dare say. vilish cunning, I'm afraid; but I'll tickle him.
Enter SNACKS, speaking.
Frank. Good morning to you, Mr. Snacks. He shall marry my daughter-then I can do Snacks. Good morning. [Coldly. as I please. To be sure, I have given my Frank. l'u come, sir, to-I say, sir, I'm promise to Rattle; but what of that? he hasn't got it under my hand. I think I had better Snacks. Well, sir, I see you are come; tell Robin this news at once; it will make and what then? What are you come for, sir? him mad-and then I shall do as I please with Frank. The termination of the lawsuit which him. Ay, ay, I'll go. How unfortunate that you have so long carried on against me, owing I did not make friends with him before! He to my entire inability to prosecute it any has no great reason to like me; I never gave further, has thrown me into difficulties which him any thing but hat words.-[Rattle sings I cannot surmount without your kind as-without] Confound it! here's that fellow Rattle sistance. coming.
Snacks. Very pretty, indeed! You are a very modest man, Mr. Frank; you've spent your last shilling in quarrelling with me, and now you want me to help you.
Frank. The farm called Hundred Acres is at present untenanted-I wish to rent it. Snacks. You wish to rent it, do you? And pray, sir, where's your money? And what do you know about farming?
Rat. Ah, my old daddy! how are you?What! have you got the mumps - can't you speak?
Snacks. I wish you had the mumps, and could not speak. What do you old daddy me for?
Rat. Why, father-in-law! curse me but you Frank. I have studied agriculture; and, are most conceitedly crusty to-day; What's with care, have no doubt of being able to the matter with you? why, you are as mepay my rent regularly. lancholy as a lame duck.
Snacks. But I have a great doubt about it.-No, no, sir; do you think I'm so unmind-| ful of his lordship's interest as to let his land to a poor novice like you? It won't do, Mr. Frank; I can't think of it-Good day, friend; good day. [Showing him the Door.
Frank. My necessities, sir-
Frank. Unfeeling wretch!
Frank. But what could I expect? Think
Snacks. The matter is that I am sick.
Snacks. A surfeit: I've had too much of you. Rat. Oh! you'll soon get the better of that; for when I've married your daughter, curse me if I shall trouble you much with my company!
Snacks. But you hav'n't married her yet. Rat. Oh, but I shall soon; I have got your promise, you know.
Snacks. Can't remember any such thing.
not, thou sordid man, 'tis for myself I sue--sometimes. My wife, my children-'tis for them I ask Rat. And so is a short stick; and I've a your aid, or else my pride had never stoop'd great mind to try the utility of it now. I tell so low my honest poverty is no disgrace: you what, Snacks-I always thought you was your ill-gotten gold gives you no advantage a damn'd old rascal, but now I'm sure of it: over me; for I had rather feel my heart beat it's no matter, though: I'll marry your daughter freely, as it does now, than know that I pos- notwithstanding. sess'd your wealth, and load it with the crimes entail'd upon it.
Snacks. You will-will you?
Rat. Yes, snacks, I will; for I love her. I Snacks. A mighty fine speech, truly! I think wonder how the devil such a pretty girl ever I'll try if I can't lower your tone a little, my came to have such a queer, little, shrivelled, fine, blustering fellow: I'll have you laid by old mopstick as you for a father. Snacks, the heels before night for this. Proud as you your wife most certainly made a cuckold of are, you'll have time to reflect in a jail, and you; it could not be else. bring down your spirit a little. But, come, Snacks. Impudent rascal!
let me see what my letter says. What a deal
Rat. But it signifies not who her father is
miss Nancy is lovely, and I'll marry her. Let as work; it should be one long holiday all me see-five thousand pounds you promised; the year round. Your great folks have strange yes, you shall give her that on the wedding-whims in their heads, that's for sartin. I don't day. You have been a steward a long time; know what to make of ‘un, not I. Now there's that sum must be a mere fleabite to you. all yon great park there, kept for his lordSnacks. I rather think I shall never give ship to look at, and his fordship hat not seen her a farthing, if she marries such a paltry it these twelve years—Ah! if it was mine, I'd fellow as you. let all the villagers turn their cows in there, Rat. Why lookye; I'm a lively spark, with and it should not cost 'em a farthing; then, a good deal of fire in me, and it is not a as the parson said last Sunday, I should be little matter that will put me out: where others as rich as any in the land, for I should have sink I rise: and this opposition of yours will the blessings of the poor. Dang it! here comes only serve to blow me into a blaze that will Snacks. Now I shall get a fine jobation, I burn you up to a cinder. I'm up to your suppose. gossip; I'm not to be had.
Snacks. No, nor my daughter's not to be had, Mr. Banker's Clerk; so I shan't waste any more time with you: go, and take in the flats in Lombard-street; it won't do here.
Enter SNACKS, bowing very obsequiously; ROBIN takes his Hat off, and stands staring at him.
Rob. 1 be main tir'd, master Snacks; so I [Exit. stopt to rest myself a little; I hope you'll exRat. Oh! what he has mizzled, has he? Icuse it. I wonder what the dickens he's fancy you'll find me the most troublesome grinning at. [Aside blade you ever settled an account with, old | Snacks. Excuse it! I hope your lordship's Raise-rent. I'll astonish you, some how or infinite goodness and condescension will exother. I wonder what has changed him so! cuse your lordship's most obsequious, devoted,
Enter MISS NANCY.
Ah, my sweet, little, rural angel! How fares it with you? You smile like a May morning. Nan. The pleasure of seeing you always
and very humble servant Timothy Snacks, who is come into the presence of your lordship, for the purpose of informing your lordship
Rob, Lordship! he, he, he! Ecod! I never knew as I had a hump before. Why, master at. Indeed! give me a kiss then. I love Snacks, you grow funny in your old age. you well enough to marry you without a Snacks. No, my lord, I know my duty farthing; but I think I may as well have the better; I should never think of being funny five thousand pounds, if it's only to tease old with a lord. Longpurse.
Nan. Oh, you know you have his promise for that.
Rat. Yes, but he says he has forgot all about that, though it was no longer ago than yesterday; and he says I shan't have you. Nan. Does be indeed?
Rat. Yes; but never mind that.
Nan. I thought you said you loved me? Rat. And so I do, better than all the gold in Lombard-street.
Nan. Then why are you not sorry that my father won't give his consent?
Rob, What lord? Oh, you mean the lord Harry, I suppose. No, no, must not be too funny with him, or he'll be after playing the very devil with you.
Snacks. I say I should never think of jesting with a person of your lordship's dignified
Rob. Did-dig-What! Why, now I look at you, I see how it is: you are mad. I wonder what quarter the moon's in. Lord! how your eyes roll! I never saw you so before.-How came they to let you out alone? Snacks. Your lordship is most graciously pleased to be facetious. "
Rat. His consent! I have got yours and my own, and I'll soon manage him. Don't you Rob. Why, what gammon are you at;remember how I frighten'd him one night, Don't come near me, for you have been bit when I came to visit you by stealth, drest like by a mad dog; I'm sure you have. a ghost, which he thinks haunts the castle. Snacks. If your lordship will be so kind Oh! I'll turn that to account. I know he's as to read this letter, it would convince your very superstitious, and easily frightened into lordship-Will your lordship condescend? any thing. Come, let's take a walk, and plot Rob. Why, I would condescend, but for a how I, your knight-errant, shall deliver you few reasons, and one of 'em is, that I can't from this haunted castle. [Exeunt. read.
SCENE II-A Corn-field.
ROBIN ROUGHEAD discovered binding up a
Snacks. I think your lordship is perfectly right; for these pursuits are too low for one of your lordship's nobility.
Rob. Lordship, and lordship again! I'll tell you what, master Snacks-let's have no more Rob. Ah! work, work, work all day long, of your fun, for I won't stand it any longer, and no such thing as stopping a moment to for all you be steward here: my name's Robin rest! for there's old Snacks the steward, al-Roughead, and if you don't choose to call me ways upon the look-out; and if he sees one, by that name, I shan't answer you, that's slap he has it down in his book, and then flat. -[iside] I don't like him well enough there's sixpence gone plump. [Comes forward] to stand his jokes.
I do hate that old chap, and that's the truth Snacks. Why then, master Robin, be so on't. Now, if I was lord of this place, I'd kind as to attend whilst I read this letter. make one rule-there should be no such thing
Sir, This is to inform you, that my tell him- No, I'll not go there; I'll go to lord Lackwit died this morning, after a Damn it, I'll go no where; yes, I will; I'll very short illness; during which he declared go every where; I'll be neither here, nor that he had been married, and had an there, nor any where else. How pleas'd Dolly heir to his estate: the woman he married will be when she hears
was commonly called, or known, by the name of Roughead: she was poor and il
Enter Villagers, shouting.
literate, und, through motives of shame, Dick, Tom, Jack, how are you, my lads?— his lordship never acknowledged her as his Here's news for you! Come, stand round, wife: she has been dead some time since, make a ring, and I'll make a bit of a speech and left behind her a son called Robin to you. [They all get round him] First of Roughead: now this said Robin is the legal all, I suppose Snacks has told you that I'm heir to the estate. I have therefore sent your landlord. you the necessary writings to put him into immediate possession, according to his tordship's last will and testament. Yours to command, KIT CODICIL, Atty at Law.
Rob. What!-What all mine? the houses, the trees, the fields, the hedges, the ditches, the gates, the horses, the dogs, the cats, the
Vil. We are all glad of it.
Rob. So am 1; and I'll make you all happy:
All. Huzza! long live lord Robin!
cocks and the hens, and the cows and the for I'll make 'em all rich; I'll have no widows, bulls, and the pigs and the-What! are they for I'll marry 'em all. [Women shout] I'll all mine? and 1, Robin Roughead, am the have no orphan children, for I'll father 'em rightful lord of all this estate!-Don't keep me all myself; and if that's not doing as a lord a minute now, but tell me it is so- Make should do, then I say I know nothing about haste, tell me quick, quick! the matter-that's all. All. Huzza! Huzza!
Snacks. I repeat it, the whole estate is yours. Rob. Huzza! huzza! [Catches off Snacks' Hat and Wig] Set the bells a ringing; set Snacks. I have brought your lordship the the ale a running; make every body drunk-money. He means to make 'em fly, so I've if there's a sober man to be found any where taken care the guineas shall be all light. [Aside. to-day, he shall be put in the stocks. Go, get Rob. Now then, young and old, great and my hat full of guineas to make a scramble small, little and tall, merry men all, here's with; call all the tenants together. I'll lower the rents-I'll—
Snacks. I hope your lordship will do me
the favour to
Rob. Why, that may be as it happens; I
among you- [Throws the Money; they scramble] Now you've got your pockets fill'd, come to the castle, and I'll fill all your bellies for you.
[Villagers carry him off shouting; Snacks follows.
Snacks. Will your lordship dine at the SCENE III.—Inside of a neat Cottage; Table castle to-day?
Snacks. What would your lordship choose
spread for Dinner.
MARGERY and DOLLY discovered.
Dolly. There, now, dinner's all ready, and
Rob. Beef-steaks and onions, and plenty I wish Robin would come. Do you think I of 'em. may take up the dumplings, mother? Snacks. Beef-steaks and onions! What a Mar. Ay, ay, take 'em up; I warrant him dish for a lord! He'll be a savoury bit for he'll soon be here he's always in puddingmy daughter, though. Rob. What are you at there, Snacks? Go, Dol. And well he may, for I'm sure you get me the guineas-make haste; I'll have the keep him sharp set enough. scramble, and then I'll go to Dolly, and tell her the news.
Mar. Hold your tongue, you baggage! He pays me but five shillings a week for board, Snacks. Dolly! Pray, my lord, who's Dolly? lodging, and washing -I suppose he's not to Rob. Why, Dolly is to be my lady, and be kept like a lord for that, is he? I wonder your mistress, if I find you honest enough to how you'll keep him when you get married, keep you in my employ. as you talk of!"
Snacks. He rather smokes me.-I have a beauteous daughter, who is allow'd to be the very pink of perfection.
Dol. Oh, we shall contrive to make both ends meet! and we shall do very well I dare say; for Robin loves me, and I loves Robin
Rob. Damn your daughter! I have got dearly. something else to think of: don't talk to me Mar. Yes; but all your love won't keep of your daughter; stir your stumps, and get the pot boiling, and Robin's as poor as Job. the money. Dol. La, now, mother, don't be so cross!Snacks. I am your lordship's most obse- Oh dear, the dinner will get cold, and the quious-Zounds! what a peer of the realm. dumplings will be quite spoil'd; I wish Robin [Aside. Exit. would come. [Robin sings without] Oh, here Rob. Ha! ha! ha! What work I will make he comes, in one of his merry humours. in the village!-Work! no, there shall be no such thing as work; it shall be all play. Enter ROBIN; he cools himself with his Hat, Where shall I go? I'll go to No, I won't then sings and dances.
go there; I'll go to Farmer Hedgestake's, and Why, Robin, what's the matter with you?
Rob. What! you hav'n't heard then? Oh, Rob. It's all true, Dolly, as sure as the I'm glad of that! for I shall have the fun of devil's in Lunnun.
Dol. Well, sit down then, and eat your dinner; I have made you some nice hard dumplings.
Rob. Dumplings! Damn dumplings.
Dol. Damn dumplings--La, mother, he damns dumplings. Oh, what a shame! Do you know what you are saying, Robin?
Rob. Never talk to me of dumplings. Mar. But I'll talk of dumplings though indeed. I shouldn't have thought of such behaviour: dumplings are very wholesome food,į quite good enough for you, I'm sure.
[Very angry. Rob. Are they, mother Margery? [Upsets the Table, and dances on the Plates, etc. and sings] Tol de rol lol.
Dol. What! are you in right down arnest? Rob. Yes, I am his lordship's dead, and he has left word as how that my mother was his wife, and I his son.
Mar. Oh dear! the boy's mad; there's all my crockery gone! [Picking up the Pieces. it. Dol. [Crying] I did not think you could have us'd us so; I'm quite asham'd of you, to
Rob. Doan'tye laugh so; I don't half like [Shakes her] Dolly!
Dol. Oh, my dear Robin, I can't help laughing think of lady Roughead.
Rob. The wench will go beside herself to
Rob. Now doan'tye cry now, Dolly; doan't-a sartainty.
Dol. I will cry, for you behave very ill.
Dol. But now is it true in arnest? Rob. Ay, as sure as you are there. But come, what shall we do? where shall we go? [Shows a Purse. Oh! we'll go and see old mother Dickens; Dol. How did you come by that, Robin? you know she took my part, and was very Mar. What, a purse of gold? let me see.- kind to me when poor mother died; and now [Snatches it, and sits down to she's very ill, and I'll go and give her somecount the Money. thing to comfort her old soul. Lord! Lord! Dol. What have you been about, Robin? I have heard people say as riches won't make Rob. No, I have not been about robbing: a body happy; but while it gives me the I have been about being made a lord of, power of doing so much good, I'm sure I shall be the happiest dog alive.
Dol. What are you talking about? Your head's turn'd, I'm sure.
Rob. Well, I know it's turn'd; it's turn'd from a clown's head to a lord's. I say, Dolly, how should you like to live in that nice place at the top o'the bill, yonder?
Dol. Oh, I should like it very much, Robin; it's a nice cottage.
Rob. Doan't talk to me of cottages, I mean the castle!
Dol. Why, what is your head running upon?
Mar. Every one golden guineas, as I'm a vartuous woman. Where did you get 'em, Robin?
SCENE I.-The Road to the Castle.
Frank. Well, then, to the house of woe I must return again. And can I take no comfort with me nothing to cheer my loving wife and helpless children? What misery to see them want!
Enter ROBIN, unobserved by FRANK. Rob. Want! No, there shall be no such thing as want where I am-Who talks of want?
Frank. My own distress I could bear well, very well; but to see my helpless innocents enduring all the woes poverty brings with it, [Exit. is more than I can bear.
Rob. Why, where there's more to be had. Mar. Ay, I always said Robin was a clever lad. I'll go and put these by.
Dol. Now, do tell me what you've been about. Where did you find all that money? Rob. Dolly, Dolly, gee'us a buss, and I'll tell thee all about it.
Dol. Twenty, an' you pleasen, Robin.
Rob. And more than I can bear too. [Throws his Hat upon the Ground, and takes Money out of his Pocket, which he throws into it. Frank. To-day I almost fear they have not tasted food.
Rob. And I ha' been stuffing my damn'd guts enough to make 'em burst.
Rob. But I'll tell you how it is-it's because [Drops more Money into his Hat. I'm the richest fellow in all these parts; and Frank. How happy once my state! Where'er if I hav'n't it here, I have it here [Pointing I turned my eyes good fortune smiled upon to his Head and his Pocket] That castle's me; then, did the poor e'er tell a tale of woe mine, and all these fields, up to the very sky. without relief? Were not my doors open Dol. No, no; come, Robin, that won't do. the unfortunate? Rob. Won't it?--I think it will do very well. Rob. How glad I be as I be-a lord. Hey, Dol. No, no; you are running your rigs-what! Yes it is; it's Mr. Frank. Lord, sir, I know you are, Robin. I'm very glad as I met with you.
Rob. What reason have I? Why, you gave me when I wanted it.
Frank. I can't remember.
Rob, Well, but you'll come back?
Rob. No-to-night -
Doo'e favour me;
Frank. I have a long way to walk, and it will be very late before I can return; but I will refuse you nothing.
Rob. Thank ye, sir; you're very kind! I shall stay till you come, if it's all night. [Exeunt. Enter RATTLE.
Rob. Mayhap not; but that's no reason as I should forget it; it's a long time ago, too; Rat. Well, every thing's prepar'd for my but it made such a mark here, that time won't rub it out. It's now fourteen years sin poor attack on the castle to-night; and I don't much mother died; she was very ill one day when fear but I shall find means to terrify the enemy, Yes, you happen'd to come by our cottage, and and make him surrender at discretion saw me stand blubbering at the door; I was yes, master Snacks, I shall soon be with you. then about this high. You took me by the [Shouting, Music, and ringing of Bells band; and I shall never forget the look you without What a damn'd racket here is in gave me, when you ax'd me what was the the village to-day!-I wonder what it's all matter with me; and when I told you, you about? call'd me a good lad, and went in and talk'd
to mother. From that time you came to see
her ev'ry day, and gave her all the help as Holloa, there! Stop, my fine fellow. Pray can you could; and when she died, poor soul! you tell me what all this uproar is about in you buried her: and if ever I forget such the village? kindness, I hope good luck will for ever forget me!
Frank. Tell me your name: mind me.
it will re
Rob. Why, you be master Ratile from Lunnun.
Rat. Well, I don't want to be told that. Rob, Gee us your hand, Rattle; thou bee'st damn'd honest fellow, and I like thee; I do
Rob. Robin Roughead, your honour; to- a day I be come to be lord of all this estate; indeed, Rat. Very familiar, upon my word. and the first good I find of it is, that I am Rob. I lik'd you ever sin you let old Toppin able to make you happy-[Stuffing the Money into his Pockets] Come up to the castle, have the three pounds to pay his rent with; and I'll give you as much money as you can and now whilst I think on't, here 'tis againtake it, for I won't let any body give away carry away in a-sack.
Frank. Proud wealth, look here for an money here but myself. example! My generous heart, how shall I thank you?
Rob. Here, take the money.
Rat. Why, what in the name of wonder is all this? What are you at? I think I'll Rob. Lord! Lord! doan't think of thanking open a shop here for the sale of bad debts. Besides, if you a man for paying his debts. only know'd how I feel all o'er me— kind of a-I could cry for joy. Fank. What sympathy is in that honest bosom! But how has this good fortune come to you?
Rob. Why, that poor woman as you buried was wife to his lordship: he has own'd it on his death bed, and left word as I'm his son. Frank. How strange are the vicissitudes of life!
Rob. Now, sir, I am but a simple lad, as a body may say; and if you will but be so good as to help me with your advice, I shall take it kind of you, sir. very Frank. I thank you for the good opinion you have of me; and as far as my poor abifities go, they shall be at your service.
Rat. Put it up, my fine fellow! you'll want it, perhaps.
Rob. Me want money! Shall I lend you an odd thousand, and set you up in a shop? Rat. Why, who the devil are you?
Rob. Why, doan't ye know? I be Robin. Rat. Robin, are you? 'Egad, I think you sing like a goldfinch.
Rob. Very well, Rattle, that's a good joke. Rat. Why, curse me if I am up to you, master Robin; you are queering me, I believe.
Rob. Well, I shall be glad to see thee at the castle, Rattle. You see, I'm not asham'd of my old acquaintance, as some folks are.
Rat. Not asham'd of his old acquaintance! Why, what do you mean?
Rob. I can't stop to talk to you any longer Rob. Thank ye, sir, thank ye! But pray Good by, Ratile; thou bee'st an honest fellow, and I shall be glad to see thee at the what bad luck made you so devilish poor? [Exit. Frank. It would take a long time to tell castle. Rat. I declare I'm quite dumb-founder'd.you the story of my misfortunes; but I owe them to the oppression of Mr. Snacks, the And have I liv'd all my days in Lombardstreet for this-to be humbug'd by a clown? steward. Rob. Snacks! Oh, damn' un! I'll do for him [Laughing, Music, ringing of Bells, etc. soon: he's rotten here, master Frank: I do without] I believe the people are all mad tothink as how he's a damn'd old rogue. day; I can't think what they are at. Frank. Judge not too harshly.
Enter CLOWN, in a hurry.
Rob. Come, sir, will you go up to the castle?
have so generously given me, enables me to
Clown. You mun meak heast then, for I be going to dine wi' my lord, and I shall be too late.