Crispin, who nods assent.) Perhaps some of you canderdate have ben goin' to these Mormon schools, hain't you? DR. J. You mean Normal schools, I presume, 'Squire. SQUIRE. Don't make no difference-Mormon or Norval— it's all the same- them things wont go down yet a while in this 'ere neighborhood. We'll try a little spellin' now, gen'l'men. How many of you can spell the first part of my name? Hold up your hands all who can! (Narr raises his hand.) Is that all?

DR. J. Perhaps the gentlemen are not acquainted with your first name, 'Squire.

'SQUIRE. I should think they might, bein' as I've lived here in Joppy, man and boy, goin' on now hard on to sixty year-and been Justice of the Peace for more'n eleven on 'em. I think it's a fair question; but I wont stick about that. My full name is Square Jotham Magnus. Now-hands up-who can spell my fust name? (all hands up.) Now, that's somethin' like. We'll hear you, sir! (pointing to Dent.)

DENT. J-o (jo)-t-h-a-m (tham)-Jotham. (Hands down except Narr's.)

'SQUIRE. I do declare--if that don't beat all! Mr. Narr, you'll hev to show 'em how agin!

NARR. S-q-u-a-r-e-Square.

'SQUIRE. In coorse 'tis-the world over! Who ever heerd of a Justice of the Peace's fust name bein' anything but Square in the whole United States!

DENT. I thought 'Squire a mere title, and as such an abbreviation of e-s-q-u-i-r-e-esquire, and added to a person's name.

'SQUIRE. If that's all the good your schoolin' hez done you, you might ez well have let it all go. Who ever heerd me called anything but Square-S-q-u-a-r-e-more'n 'leven year now? Don't my own wife call me so-and all the children? And I should like to know what's a man's fust name if 'tisn't the name folks fust use-the handle they take hold on. Young man, if you ain't any better booked up in the constertutional law than not to know that a Square's fust name is Square all over the inhabited earth, you're got a good deal to learn yit--I can tell you that

(Laughter as before.) Mr. Narr, I'll give you another. How do you spell beefsteak?

NARR. B-e-a-f (beef)--s-t-a-k-e (steak)-beefsteak.

'SQUIRE. Right -all right-and that's one of the hardest words in the whole English language, I can tell you. A man who can spell that without missin' a bit, as you did, can spell any thing he can lay his jaws to.

DR. J. I may have misunderstood Mr. Narr; but I certainly thought he didn't spell the word correctly.

'SQUIRE. Spell it agin, Mr. Narr-spell it agin—for the Doctor's benefit. But the Board is satisfied.

NARR. (Spelling as before.)

DR. J. So I understood. Do you mean to say that is the correct spelling of that word, 'Squire?

'SQUIRE. To be sure I do. What does it spell, ef it don't spell beefsteak, I should like to know. Come, now-tell me that. I hain't the dictionary book here, but I looked at it jest afore I left the house, and I tell you that that spellin's right! (Bringing his fist down with emphasis upon the table.) B-e-a-f-s-t-a-k-e!

DR. J. Here is Webster's Dictionary, 'Squire (handing it), and it gives a different spelling.

'SQUIRE (examining). I tell you that's wrong-I know it is! B-double e-f-s-t-e-a-k! Who ever heerd of sech spellin' afore? "Taint right, I tell ye. (Looking at title-page.) Oh, I might er knowed. It's one of them Yankee school books; and everybody knows they never did spell right nohow.

DR. J. (handing.) Here is Worcester's, with the word spelled in the same way as Webster gives it.

'SQUIRE. "Taint right, I say (excitedly), 'taint right, I tell you-and I don't care who says 'tis (looking at title-page), Jest ez I s'posed-another Yankee book.

DR. J. But you know, 'Squire, the only dictionaries published in this country and recognized as authorities are published in New England.

'SQUIRE. "Taint so. Let's see an English dictionary-we don't want a New-English dictionary-the old will do well enough for us.

DR. J. Here are Walker's, and Johnson's, and Todd's (handing them), and they agree with the others.

'SQUIRE (rising and gesticulating violently). Taint so, I tell ye-and that ends the matter-and if you (to Dr. J.) can't find any better business than interferin' with this 'ere examernation arter the Board's appinted me to 'tend to it, you'd better go somewhere else.

DR. J. No offence was intended, 'Squire. I merely thought you, in common with other men, might sometimes be mistaken.

'SQUIRE (seating himself). When I know a thing, I know it-and that's the whole on it. The Board appinted this examernation fairly-I was fairly appinted to take charge on't-and I mean to do it as fairly as I know how, and ef any man can do more'n that, I should like to see him-that's all. Comin' round to business agin-I don't know's there's much more to be done. We've examined the canderdates in jography, 'rethmetic, and spellin', and we can look at their writin' any time. What do you say, Mr. Crispin? CRISPIN. Oh-me! Anything you say, Square, I'm

agreed to.

DR. J. Don't you propose any examination in grammar? 'SQUIRE. What's the use of grammar, I'd like to know? I never heerd on't when I was a boy, and I never teached it when I kep' school.

DR. J. But, surely, 'Squire, you must regard it as an important qualification in a teacher, to be able to instruct others how to write and speak our language correctly.

'SQUIRE. That's jest the pint. Perhaps you don't know my idees on that subjick. My notion is that the Almighty starts us all off in this world when we're old enough knowin' what to say and how to say it. For my part I think it's flyin' in the face and eyes of Proverdence meddlin' with grammar and sech things.

DR. J. Why don't you use the same argument-if I may call it so—concerning any branch of education? Arithmetic, for example, of which you spoke so highly a short time ago?

'SQUIRE. You don't see the pint, Doctor. Figgers is a consekence of the fall of our first parents. In the garden of Edin when they was good they didn't need it--but they could talk their language right-whatever it was, mebbe

ours and mebbe not-for they were made to; but 'rethmetic came in, arter they sinned and were druv out of the garden. God didn't teach 'em that, and so they have to learn it. Don't you understand now? Them's my views. DR. J. Yes-I comprehend you, 'Squire - but about

reading.

'SQUIRE. Wall, about readin' 's about this-'taint much nohow. We can pick that up any time we choose. My 'pinion is there's too much on't done by some folks. Ef they'd do less on't and use their head-pieces more, I think they'd be a mighty sight better off. I don't s'pose anybody would offer to take our school who couldn't read; and I wouldn't-appinted by this Board to examine canderdates -I wouldn't insult any one by askin' 'em to read. Read! In course they can read, all on 'em! What are they here for if they can't? Aint that so, Mr. Crispin?

CRISPIN. Sartin, Square, sartin-anything you say I'm agreed to.

'SQUIRE. Then we might as well as not call this examernation adjourned sign dy. And as I said when we fust started off, some of the canderdates will have to be disappinted. The Board has thought this matter over carefully and has decided that Mr. Nicholas Narr is entitled to have our school-fustly, because the Board knows him-and nextly, because he has showed more good horse-sense, by and round, durin' the whole examernation than any other canderdate-meanin' by what I say no disrespec' to any of the rest, who can, I reelly b'lieve, pass a better examernation when they're older and have studied harder and thought longer. The meeting is closed, gen'l'men. (Rising.) DR. J. Do I understand, 'Squire, that this is a meeting of the Board?

'SQUIRE. What else would you call it? Haint the Board met--and haint the Board examined – and haint the Board gin out the school to Nicholas Narr-and haint the Board adjourned? What more'd you have?

DR. J. Then, here and now I wash my hands of the whole proceeding. (Handing a paper.) Here, 'Squire, is my resignation as a member of this Board. I had some faint hope, I confess, when I was appointed to the position, that

I might be of some service in advancing the cause of thorough common school education; but if anything were needed, this day's proceedings have convinced me that my further connection with your Board can only be maintained at the expense of my self-respect and can in no wise advance those interests which I have so much at heart.

'SQUIRE. Jest as you please, Doctor-you must act accordin' to your own light, whether it's big or little. The Board accepts your resignin', and Joppy will try and sur vive till she can git somebody in your place.

DR. J. To my young friends who have been, individually and collectively, so grossly insulted here to-day by what you are pleased to call the Board, I would simply say in leaving them that the day's annoyances may not prove utterly without profit to them, if they have learned-as I doubt not they have by this time-never to visit Joppa, at least, until civilization shall have dawned upon us, should they again chance to see an advertisement of a "TEACHER WANTED."

[Curtain falls.

THE UNWELCOME GUEST.-H. ELLIOTT MCBRIDE.

CHARACTERS.

MR. EDWARD SIMPSON.

MRS. EMELINE SIMPSON, his wife.

JOHN SIMPSON, his brother, and a guest.

MR. MARTIN JONES.

MRS. ELIZA JONES, his wife.

SCENE-A room in Edward Simpson's house. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson discovered.

MRS. S. Edward, I may just as well say plainly that I think we must do something to get your brother off our hands. He has been here now over two weeks, and he stays and stays just as if this was his home, and as if he hadn't the slightest idea of ever going away.

MR. S. You are quite right, wife; we must get him away. I thought it possible, when he came here, that he had