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When is a horse like a victim of the inquisition? When lie is fastened to the rack.
Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp sheets.
What disease do reapers often get on hot days? A dropsickle affection.
When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an understanding between them.
Why is an empty discourse like a solid one? Because it is all sound.
How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger, and he took him in.
Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business, than when it is completely wound up.
Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass.
Why are crockery-ware dealers unlike all other shop keepers? Because it won't do for them to crack up their goods.
Why is a good actor like a good architect? Because they both draw good houses.
Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity's the sole of it. ,
Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer and t he other is a sure horse.
Why is an eclipse like a man whipping his boy? It's a hiding of the mn.
Why are policemen like the days of man? Because they are numbered.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes.
What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband.
Why didn't the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.
Why is a book binder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of faults.
Why is a runaway horse like a sorrow stricken mortal? Because it is subject to maDy woes.
New settlers in Texas will find plenty of elbow room if nothing else. One of them writes that he has "the Rio Grande for a bath tub and all Mexico for a back-yard."
Speaking of one of his works to a critic a dramatic author said with the consciousness of modest worth: "It has had many imitators." "Yes," replied the critic, " especially beforehand."
A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, that if she spoke one more crooked word, he'd beat her brains out. "Why then, ram's horns, you rogue," said she, "if I die for it."
An impertinent young fellow, sitting at a table opposite the learned John Scott asked him, " What difference there was between Scott and sot?" "Just the breadth of the table," answered the other.
An Irishman with a heavy bundle on his shoulder, was riding on a street car platform. He refused to put it down, saying: "The horses have enough to do to drag me, I'll carry the bundle."
"I am at your service,"said a young clerk the other evening to a handsome yonng lady, in answer to her inquiry for a bow. "I am," replied she, "much obliged to you, but I want a buff and not a green one." He sank into his shoes and she went out.
A man who had brutally assaulted his wife was brought before Justice Cole, of New York, and had a good deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" replied Cole: "you can't get it here: this court has no power to hang you!"
One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 12
BENTIMENTS For Public Occasions;
WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment;
LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection;
FUNNY SAYINGS For Social Pastime, Ao.
As the soil, however rich it may he, cannot be productive without culture, so the mind, without cultivation, can never produce good fruit. Seneca. They serve God well
Who serve His creatures. Mrs Norton.
Character, like porcelain ware, must be painted before it is glazed. There can be no change after it is burned in.
Oh swear not by the moon, th' inconstant moon.
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable. Shakspeare.
Next in importance to freedom and justice is popular education, without which neither justice nor freedom can be permanently maintained. Garfield.
Pride (of all others the most dangerous fault)
As a countenance is made beautiful by the soul's shining
Next to love, sympathy is the divinest passion of the human heart. Burke.
Take the world as it is! there are good and bad in it—
To forgive our enemies, is a charming way of revenge, and a short Ceesarean conquest, overcoming without a blow, laying our enemies at our feet, under sorrow, shame and repentance; leaving our foes our friends, and solicitously inclined to grateful relations. Sir Thomas Browne.
Had he thought it fit
That flower that follows the sun does so even in cloudy days. Leighton. All mankind
Is one of these two cowards;
When he should live, or live when he should die.
George Herbert. Nothing is politically right that is morally wrong.
Books are yours,
There is nothing useless to men of sense; clever people tarn everything to account. Fontaine.
What stronger breastplate than a heart untainted?
Good nature is of daily use; but courage is at best but a kind of holiday virtue, to be seldom exercised and never but in cases of necessity.
In real life the peculiarities and oddities of a man who has anything whimsical about him, generally impress us first,and it is not until we are better acquainted with him that we usually begin to look below these superficial traits, and to know the better part of him. Dickens. Minds
By nature great are conscious of their greatness,
And hold it mean to borrow aught from flattery. Rowe.
There are times when these souls of ours get right under the shadow of the throne, when we can almost hear the angels sing, and there comes down on the soul a quiet like the echo of the angel's song. Bishop Simpson.
Far out of sight, while yet the flesh infolds us,
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested. Bacon.
A gentle word is never lost,
Oh, never then refuse one;
It cheers the heart when sorrow tossed,
And lulls the cares that bruise one.
It scatters sunshine o'er our way,
And turns our thorns to roses,
It changes weary night to day,
And hope and love discloses.
If a man has a right to be proud of anything, it is of a good action done as it ought to be, without any base interest lurking at the bottom of it. Sterne. Tis the Divinity that stirs within us, Tis Heaven itself that points out an hereafter, And intimates eternity to man. Addison.
Be always employed about some rational thing, that the devil find thee not idle. Jerome. Self-ease is pain—the only rest Is labor for a worthy end; A toil that gains with what it yields, And scatters to its own increase, And hears, while sowing outward fields, The harvest song of inward peace. Wfnttier.
Temperate anger well becomes the wise. Philemon.