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When is a chair like a lady's dress? When it's sat-in.
Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds.
Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other persons.
When is a pretty girl like a ship? When she is attached to a buoy.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his own (K) Nell.
Why is an interesting book like a toper's nose? Because it is rea (read) to the very end.
When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged.
Why was the sculptor "Powers" a great swindler? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of a piece of marble.
Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because ne will smoke when he is going out.
Why are teeth like verbs? They are regular, irregular and defective.
What Is that which never flies, but when its winga are brokenT An army.
Why Is good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it's all heart.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
When is a man not a man? When he's a shaving.
Why we pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off".
Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot be plain.
What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The door bell.
Why is a neglected damsel like a fire which has gone out? Because she has not a s]Mrk left.
Who may marry many a wife, and yet live single all his life? A clergyman.
Why does a coat get larger when taken out of a carpet bag? Because you find it in-creases.
What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady.
Which is the favorite word with women? The last one.
Shuter, the celebrated English comedian, was once in disgrace with the audience, in consequence of some irregularities, and an apology was demanded. Shuter was somewhat tardy, and a lady was going on with her part, when the audience called out, "Shuter! Shuter!" The arch comedian peeped from behind the curtain, and said, "Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own." This put the house in good humor, and Shuter was received with applause.
Charles XII of Sweden was told, just before the battle ot Narva, that the enemy was three to one. "I am glad to hear it," answered the king, "for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and enough to run away."
A man dying greatly in debt and the news coming to his creditors' ears, "Farewell," said one, " there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he carried off so much of mine," said another. Some one hearing them make their several complaints, said: "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men's."
During a visit which Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country house which he had built for himself before his preferment, she asked him why he had made for himself so small a house. "It is not I, madam," answered he, " who have made my house too small for myself, but your majesty who has made me too big for my house."
An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman, " What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for blundering and making bulls?" "Faith," said the knight, " I believe there is something in the air of Ireland, and I dare say, if an Englishman were born there he would do the same."
At a house where they do a great deal of fancy work and keep a white poodle, an innocent gentleman asked: "Who knit the dog?"
"What is the feminine of tailor?" asked a teacher of a class in grammar. "Dressmaker," was the prompt reply of a bright-eyed little boy.
A conceited coxcomb once said to a harber's boy, " Did you ever shave a donkey?" "Why, no sir," replied the boy, "but if you will please to sit down I will trv."
In the grammar department of one of our public schools, the teacher, after talking with her class on the subject of mythology, read to them as follows: "Vulcan, smith, architect, and chariot-builder for the gods of Mount Olympus built their houses, constructed their furniture," etc. The following day the subject of the preceding day was given as a language lesson, and as no mention was made of Vulcan, the teacher asked the class who built the houses for the gods on Mount Olympus? For a while the children seemed lost in profound thought, when suddenly a gleam of intelligence illuminated the face of one little girl, and she replied, "I can't think of his first name, but his last name is Smith!"
A soldier was bragging before Julius Caviar of the wounds he had received in his face. Csesar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.
A man who won't take off his hat to himself once in a while in summer must be a cold-blooded wretch.
A young lady has written to know what is a sure cure for love-sickness. As other eminent physicians have previously prescribed, we suggest the same old time-tried, fire-tested remedy—marriage. It has never been known to fail.
Just before the public schools in New Haven closed for the vacation, a lady teacher in one of the departments gave out the word "fob" for her class to spell. After it was spelled, as was her custom, she asked the meaning of it. No one knew. The teacher then told the class she had one, and was the only person in the room that had. After a little while a hand went hesitatingly up. Teacher—" Well, what is it?" "Please, ma'am, it's a beau."
"Why do guns burst?" asks a contemporary, and then devotes nearly a column to answering the question. Guns burst because powder is put into them. You might use a gun seven hundred years and it wouldn't burst if you kept powder out of it.
A young and learned gentleman who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship, had a very bad voice though otherwise an excellent preacher. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against him but his own.
An inquisitive man said to Dumas: "You are a quadroon?" "I believe I am, sir," said Dumas. "And your father?" "VVns a mulatto." "And your grandfather?" "Negro," hastily answered the dramatist. "And may I inquire what your great-grandfather was?" "An ape, sir," thundered Dumas; "yes sir, an ape; my pedigree commences where yours terminates."
A gentleman who was an indifferent penman, sent a letter to a friend: "Out of respect, sir, I write to you with my own hand, but to facilitate the reading, I send you a copy which I have caused my amanuensis to make."
Colley Cibber's son one day begged his father to give him one hundred pounds. "It is very strange," said Colley, "that you can't live upon your salary. When I was your age, I never spent any of my father's money." "Perhaps not," answered the son, "but I am sure you have spent many hundred pounds of my father's money."
Fox, struck by the solemnity of Lord Thurlow's appearance at the trial of Hastings, said: "1 wonder whether anyone was ever so wise as Thurlow looks."
Walter Scott said to his wife: "Tis no wonder that poets have made the lamb the embiem of peace and innocence." "They are, indeed, delightful animals," said she; "especially with mint sauce."
Some one met an undertaker at the office of a physician in Philadelphia, and asked him if he was in partnership with the doctor. He replied: "Yes, we've been togethei for some time, I always carry the doctor's work Lome, when iff done."
On MM Cheice Selectiens, 1,9
CASSIUS' Whistle.*—rorert C. V. Meyer*.
A Farce In One Act.
Benjamin Fothergill, K. D., Ph. D., Q. R. S., an Antiquarian
Mr. Octavcs Ali.en, a historical positivist.
SCENE—Hall and drawing-room in the house of Mr. Allen. In the centre a large arch-way hung irith double, crimson curtains, which are drawn close. At rising of drop-curtain a loud noise is heard, as of the falling of a hea vy body, and then as of a person jumping from an deration. Enter from side, and in great agitation, his riding-whip in his hand, his hat ofl\ Mr. Fotfiergill, speaking as he looks back of him.
Mr. F. There! I've lost my hat getting in, and I've broken the pulleys of the window and can't get out. But [looks about him on the floor) I saw it shining here. Ah! (Pounces upon an article on the floor of the hall near the red curtains, looks closely at it, clasps it to his forehead, then to his heart and staggers to one side. He gulps several times, becomes calmer and looks furtirehi around. A man's mice groaning is heard tt