regarded a minuet; but country-dances!-Zounds! had she made one in a cotillion, I believe I could have forgiven that; but to be monkey-led for a night! to run the gauntiet through a string of amorous palming puppies! to shew paces like a managed hilly!-O Jack, there never can be but one man in the world, whom a truly modest and delicate woman ought to pair with in a countrydance; and even then, the rest of the couples should be her great uncles and aunts! Abs. Ay, to be sure! grandfathers and grandmothers! Faulk. If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion; the action of | their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig: their quivering, warm-breathed sighs, impregnate the very air; the atmosphere becomes electrical to love; and each amorous spark darts through every link of the chain!-1 must leave you own I am somewhat Hurried; and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going. Abs. Nay, but stay, Faukland, and thank Mr Acres for his good news! Faulk. Damn his news! [Exit FAULK. Abs. Ha, ha, ha! poor Faulkland! Five minutes since, nothing on earth could give him a moment's uneasiness! Acres. The gentleman was not angry at my praising his mistress! was he? Abs. A little jealous, I believe, Bob. Acres. You don't say so? Ha, ha! jealous of me! that's a good joke! Abs. There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly grace, and insinuating manner of yours, will do some mischief among the girls here! Acres. Ah, you joke! ha, ha, mischief! ha, ha! but, you know, I am not my own property; my dear Lydia has forestalled me! She could never abide ne in the country, because I used to dress so badly; but odds frogs and tambours, I shan't take matters so here-now, ancient madam has no voice in it-I'il make my old clothes know who's master-I shall straightway cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable-My hair has been in training some time. Abs. Indeed! Acres. Aye; and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes it very kindly. Abs. O, you'll polish, I doubt not. Acres. Absolutely I propose so-then, if I can find out this ensign Beverley, odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't. Abs. Spoke like a man!--but pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of a new method of swearing Acres. Ha, ha! you've taken notice of it-'tis genteel, is not it? I did not invent it myself though; but a commander in our miltia, a great scholar, I assure you, says that there is no micaning in the common oaths; and that nothing but their antiquity makes them respectable; because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus ! or by Mars! or by Venus! or by Pallas! according to the sentiment; so that, to swear with propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the sense; and this we call the oath referential, or sentimental swearing, ha, ha, ha! 'tis genteel, is not it? Abs. Very genteel, and very new, indeed; and, I dare say, will supplant all other figures of imprecation. Acres. Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obso lete-Damns have had their day. Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, there is a gentlemen below desires to see you-Shall I shew him into the parlour? Abs. Ay; you may. Acres. Well, I must be gone- Abs. You puppy, why did not you shew him up directly? [Exit FAG. Acres. You have business with sir Anthony. I expect a message from Mrs Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend sir Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack; we must meet at night, when you shall give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia. Abs. That I will with all my heart. [Exit ACRES.] Now for a parental lecture. I hope he has heard nothing of the business that has brought me here. I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul ! Enter SIR ANTHONY. Sir, I am delighted to see you here; and looking so well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health. Sir Anth. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What! you are recruiting here, hey? Abs. Yes, sir; I am on duty. Sir Anth. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long. Abs. Pardon me, sir! I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray fervently that you may continue so. Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit. Abs. Sir, you are very good. Sir Anth" "And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence. Abs. Sir, your kindness overpowers me-such generosity makes the gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection. Sir Anth. I am glad you are so sensible of my attention; and you shall be master of a large estate in a few weeks. Abs. Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense I have of your munificence. Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army ? Sir Anth. O, that shall be as your wife chooses. Abs. My wife, sir! Sir Anth. Ay, ay; settle that between you; settle that between you. Abs. A wife, sir! did you say? for some time with patience-I have been cool— quite cool; but take care-you know I am complaisance itself-when I am not thwarted ;—no one more easily led, when I have my own way; —but don't put me in a phrenzy. Abs. Sir, I must repeat it-in this, I cannot obey you. Sir Anth. Now, damn me if ever I call you Jack again while I live! Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me. Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word-not a word-not one word! so give me your promise by a nod—and I'll tell you what, Jack—I mean, you dog-if you don't, by Abs. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness? to Sir Anth. Zounds, sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on Sir Anth. Ay, a wife; why, did not I men- each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the tion her before? Abs. Not a word of her, sir. Sir Anth. Odd so!—I must not forget her though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of, is by a marriage; the fortune is saddled with a wife; but, I suppose, that makes no difference? Abs. Sir, sir!-you amaze me! Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now, you were all gratitude and duty. Abs. I was, sir-ycu talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife! Sir Anth. Why, what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. Abs. If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the purchase.Pray, sir, who is the lady? Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir?-Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly. Abs. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of! Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of, Abs. Then, sir, I must tell you plainly, that my inclinations are fixed on another-my heart is engaged to an angel! Sir Anth. Then, pray, let it send an excuse. It is very sorry—but business prevents its ing on her. crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy; and the beard of a Jew:-she shall be all this, sirrah!-yet, I will make you ogie her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty. Abs. This is reason and moderation, indeed! Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes! Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir; none of your violence, if you please—It won't do with me, I promise you. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie!-I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word! Sir Anth. So you will fly out? can't you be cool, like me? What the devil good can passion do?-Passion is of no service; you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again!—don't provoke me !—but you rely upon the mildness of my temper-you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! Yet, take care-the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!-but mark! I give you six wait-hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why-confound you! Ĭ may in time forgive you-If not, zounds, don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.-I'll dis Abs. But my vows are pledged to her. Sir Anth. Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, 1 suppose; so there can be no loss there. Abs. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you. Sir Anth, Hark'e, Jack;-I have heard you own you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and damn me, if ever I call you Jack again! [Erit SIR ANTH. Abs. Mild, gentle, considerate father, I kiss your hands. What a tender method of giving his opinion in these matters sir Anthony bas! I dare not trust him with the truth. I wonder what old, wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me! -yet, he married, himself, for love! and was, in his youth, a bold intriguer, and a gay companion! Enter FAG. Fag. Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time, muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters a the way: I, and the cook's dog, stand bowing at the door-rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane, bids me carry that to my master; then, kicking the poor turnspit into the arca, damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate !-Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance. Abs. Cease your impertinence, sir, at present, -Did you come in for nothing more?—Stand out of the way. [Pushes him aside, and exit. Fag. So! Sir Anthony trims my master: He is afraid to reply to his father, then vents his spleen on poor Fag!-When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way--is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shews the worst temper-the basest Fag. Quick, quick, you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you, too! you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred [Exit, kicking and beating him. SCENE II.-The North Parade. Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGer. Sir Luc. Hah! my little embassadress-Upon my conscience, I have been looking for you; I have been on the south parade this half hour. Lucy. [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the north! Sir Luc. Faith!-may be, that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out, and I not see you-for I was only taking a nap at the parade coffec-house, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you. [Gives him a letter. Sir Luc. [Reads.] Sir-There is often a sud'den incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combina'tion: such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of sir Lucius O'Trigger. Very pretty, upon my word. Female punctuation forbids me to say more; yet, let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find sir Lucius 'worthy the last criterion of my affections. DELIA.' Upon my conscience, Lucy, your lady is a great Lucy. Ay, sir, a lady of her experience. Lucy. Ah, sir Lucius! If you were to hear how she talks of you! Sir Luc. Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way, though she is rather an arbitrary Lucy. So—I shall have another rival to add to writer, too; for here are a great many poor my mistress's list-captain Absolute.-How-words pressed into the service of this note, that ever, I shall not enter his name till my purse has would get their habeas corpus from any court in received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismiss- Christendom. ed!-Well, I have done him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him. Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Dalia, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here! -I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress. VOL. II. Sir Luc. O, tell her, I'll make her the best husband in the world, and lady O'Trigger into the bargain! But we must get the old gentlewo man's consent, and do every thing fairly. Lucy. Nay, sir Lucius; I thought you was not rich enough to be so nice! Sir Luc. Upon my word, young woman, yoû 6 M have hit it: I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action. If I did not want money, I would steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. However, my pretty girl, [Gives her money.] here's a little something to buy you a ribband; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand, to put you in mind. [Kisses her. Lucy. O, lud, sir Lucius! I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you are so impudent. Sir Luc. Faith she will, Lucy; that samepho! what's the name of it?-modesty-is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty, my dear. Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a lie? Sir Luc. Ah, then, you baggage? I'll make it a truth presently. Lucy. For shame, now! here is some one coming. Sir Luc. O, faith, I'll quiet your consience! Enter FAG. Fag. So, so, madam! I humbly beg pardon. Lucy. O, lud! now, Mr Fag-you flurry one Fag. Come, come, Lucy; here's no one byso a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please. You play false with us, madam. I saw you give the baronet a letter. My master shall know this; and if he don't call him out, I will. Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty. That letter was from Mrs Malaprop, simpleton. She is taken with sir Lucius's address. Fag. How! what tastes some people have! Why, I suppose I have walked by her window an hundred times. But what says your young lady? Any message to my master? Lucy. Sad news, Mr Fag! A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son. Fag. What! captain Absolute? Lucy. Even so I overheard it all. Fag. Ha, ha, ha! very good, faith! Goodbye, Lucy; I must away with this news. Lucy. Well; you may laugh; but it is true, I assure you. [Going.] But, Mr Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this. Fag. O, he'll be so disconsolate! Lucy. And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute. Fag. Never fear! never fear! Lucy. Be sure; bid him keep up his spirits. Fag. We willwe will. [Exeunt severally. SCENE I.-The North Parade. Enter ABSOLUTE. ACT III. Abs. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with. He must not know of my connection with her yet a-while. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but I can assure him it is very sincere. So, so, here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff. Enter SIR ANTHONY. [Steps aside. Sir Anth. No: I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper. An . obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters! for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a-year, besides his pav, ever since! But I have done with Sir Anth. Why, then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is.Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture-prepare! What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? Abs. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire? Sir Anth. Worcestershire! No. Did you never meet Mrs Malaprop and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment? Abs. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay; I think I do recollect something. Languish! Languish! She squints, don't she? A little haired girl? Sir Anth. Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no. very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. Sir Anth. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite! a vile, insensible stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I've a great mind to marry the girl myself! Abs. I am entirely at your disposal, sir; if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the red-aunt: or, if you should change your mind, and take the old lady, 'tis the same to me, I'll marry the niece. Abs. Then, I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? Abs. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire. Sir Anth. Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and, if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness! Abs. That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman! [Aside. Sir Anth. Then, Jack, her neck! O, Jack, Jack! Abs. And which is to be mine, sir; the niece or the aunt? Sir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched any thing old or ugly to gain an empire. Abs. Not to please your father, sir? Sir Anth. To please my father! Zounds! not to please- -Oh, my father so! yes, yes; if my father, indeed, had desired -that's quite another matter. Though he was not the indulgent father that I am, Jack. Abs. I dare say not, sir. Sir Anth. Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or -but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie-I'm sure it must-come, now--damn your demure face! Come, confess, Jack; you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey? I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the hypocrite. Abs. I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken. Sir Anth. Hang your respect and duty! But, come along with me; I'll write a note to Mrs Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethian torch to youCome along! I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience-if you don't, egad, I'll marry the girl myself! [Exeunt. SCENE II-JULIA's dressing-room. Enter FAULKLAND. Faulk. They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come! How mean does this captions, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point: but on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously -Od-fretful and madly capricious! I am conscious of it; yet I cannot correct myself! What tender, honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we met ! How delicate was the warmth of her expressions! I was ashamed to appear less happy, though I had come resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming! Yes! I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay. Sir Anth. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful? Abs. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind. Now, without being |