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regarded a minuet; but country-dances!-Zounds!, their antiquity makes them respectable; because, had she made one in a cotillion, I believe I could he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath have forgiven that; but to be monkey-led for a or two, but would say, by Jove ! or by Bacchus ! night! to run the gauntlet through a string of or by Mars! or by Venus ! or by Pallas ! acamorous palming puppies ! to shew paces like a cording to the sentiinent; so that, to swear with inanaged hilly!- Jack, there never can be but propriety, says my little major, the oath should one man in the world, whom a truly modest and be an echo to the sense; and this we call the delicate woman ought to pair with in a country oath referential, or sentimental swearing, ha, ha, dance; and even then, the rest of the couples ha ! 'tis genteel, is not it? should be her great uncles and aunts !

Abs. Very genteel, and very new, indeed; and, Abs. Ay, to be sure ! grandfathers and grand- I dare say, will supplant all other figures of immothers!

precation. Fauák. If there be but one vicious mind in the Acres. Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsa set, 'twill spread like a contagion; the action of lete-Damns have had their day. their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig; their quivering, warm-breathed sighs,

Enter Fac. impregnate the very air; the atinosphere be Fug. Sir, there is a gentlemen below desires comes electricai to love; and each amorous spark to see you—Shall I shew him into the parlour? darts through every link of the chain !-I must

Abs. Ay; you may. leave your own I am somewhat Hurried; and Acres. Well, I must be gone. that confounded looby has perceived it. (Going. Abs. Stay; who is it, Fag?

Abs. Nay, but stay, Faukland, and thank Mr Fug. Your father, sir. Acres for his good wews!

Abs. You puppy, why did not you shew him Faulk. Damn his news! (E.rit Faulk. | up directly?

[Erit Fac. Abs. Ha, ha, ha! poor Faulkland! Five mi Acres. You have business with sir Anthony. nutes since, nothing on earth could give him a I

expect a message from Mrs Malaprop at my moment's uneasiness!

lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend sir Acres. The gentleman was not angry at my

Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack; we must meet praising his mistress! was he?

at night, when you shall give me a dozen bumAbs. A little jealous, I believe, Bob.

pers to little Lydia. Acres. You don't say so ? Ha, ha! jealous of Abs. That I will with all my heart. [Erit me! that's a good joke!

Acres.] Now for a parental lecture. I hope he Abs. There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let has heard nothing of the business that has brought me tell you, that sprightly grace, and insinuating me here. I wish the gout had held bim fast in manner of yours, will do some mischief among Devonshire, with all my soul ! the girls here! deres. Ah, you joke! ha, ha, mischief! ha,

Enter SIR ANTHONY. ha! but, you know, I am not my own property; Sir, I am delighted to see you here; and looking my dear Lvdia has forestalled me! She could so well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me never abide me in the country, because I used to apprehensive for your health. dress so badiy; but odds frogs and tambours, Sir Anth. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. I shan't take matters so here--now,

ancient ma What! you are recruiting here, bey ? dam has no voice in it--l'il make my old clothes Abs. Yes, sir ; I am on duty. know who's master-I shall straightway cashier Sir Anth. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, the huntmg-trock, and render my leather breeches though I did not expect it; for I was going to incapable-My hair has been in training some write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, time.

I have been considering that I grow old and inAbs. Indeed!

firm, and shall probably not trouble you long. Acres. Aye; and tho'tf the si-le curls are a lit Abs. Pardon me, sir! I never saw you look tle restive, my hind-part takes it very kindly. more strong and hearty; and I pray fervently Abs. O, you'll polish, I doubt not.

that you may continue so. Acres. Absolutely I propose so-then, if I can Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be heard, find out this ensign Beverley, odds triggers and with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have flints! I'll make bin know the dilleren e o't. been considering that I am so strong and hearty,

Abs. Spoke iike a man!--but pray, Bub, I ob- I may continue to plague you a long tiine. Now, serve you bave got an odd kind of a new method Jack, I am seusible that the income of your of swearing

commission, and what I have hitherto allowed Acres. Tía, ha! you've taken notice of it-'tis you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your genteel, is not it-I did not invent it myself spirit. thonyh; but a commander in our militia, a great Abs. Sir, you are very good. scholar, I assure yoli, says that there is no mean Sir Anth And it is my wish, while yet I live, ing in the common outlis; and that nothing but to have my boy make some figure in the world.

I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in for some time with patience I have been coola noble independence.

quite cool; but take care-you know I am comAbs. Sir, your kindness overpowers me—such plaisance itself—when I am not thwarted ;-no generosity makes the gratitude of reason niore one more easily led, when I have my own way; lively than the sensations even of filial affection. - but don't put me in a phrenzy.

Sir Anth. I am glad you are so sensible of my Abs. Sir, I must repeat it in this, I cannot attention; and you shall be master of a large obey you. estate in a few weeks.

Sir Anth. Now, damn me if ever I call you Abs. Let my future life, sir, speak my grati- Jack again while I live! tude; I cannot express the sense I have of your

Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me. munificence. Yet, sir, I presume you would not

Sir Anth. Sir, I wou't hear a word-not a wish me to quit the army?

word—not one word ! so give me your promise Sir Anth. O, that shall be as your wife by a nod—and I'll tell you what, Jack- I mean, chooses.

you dog—if you don't, byAbs. My wife, sir !

Abs. What, sir, promise to link myself to some Sir Anth. Ay, ay; settle that between you; mass of ugliness ? tosettle that between you.

Sir Anth. Zounds, sirrah! the lady shall be Abs. A wife, sir! did you say?

as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on Sir Anth. Ay, a wife; why, did not I men

each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the tion her before ?

crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Abs. Not a word of her, sir.

Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mumSir Anth. Odd so I must not forget her my; and the beard of a Jew :-she shall be all though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was this, sirrah !--yet, I will make you ogie her all talking of, is by a marriage ; the fortune is day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her saddled with a wife; but, I suppose, that makes beauty. no difference?

Abs. This is reason and moderation, indeed ! Abs. Sir, sir!-you amaze me !

Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter grinning, jackanapes ! with the fool? Just now, you were all gratitude

Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse huand duty:

mour for mirth in my life. Abs. I was, sir-ycu talked to me of indepen Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir; I know you are dence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife ! laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when

Sir Anth. Why, what difference does that I am gone, sirrah! make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. you must take it with the live stock on it, as it Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir ; none of stands.

your violence, if you please-It won't do with Abs. If my happiness is to be the price, I must me, I promise you. beg leave to decline the purchase.Pray, sir, Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my who is the lady?

life. Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir !--Come, Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie !-I know you give me your promise to love, and to marry her are in a passion in your heart; I krow you are, directly,

you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. Abs. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word! summon my affections for a lady I know nothing Sir Anth. So you will fly out? can't you be of!

cool, like me? What the devil good can passion Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreason

do ?-Passion is of no service; you impudent, inable in you to object to a lady you know nothing solent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer of.

again !- don't provoke me!-but you rele upon Abs. Then, sir, I must tell you plainly, that the mildness of my temper--you do, you dog! my inclinations are fixed on another—my heart you play upon the meekuess of my disposition ! is engaged to an angel !

Yet, take care-the patience of a saint may be Sir Anth. Then, pray, let it send an excuse. overcome at last but mark! I give you sis It is very sorry—but business prevents its wait- hours and a half to consider of this: if you then ing on her.

agree, without any condition, to do every thing Abs. But my vows are pledged to her. on earth that I choose, why-confound you! I

Sir Anth. Let her foreclose, Jack; let her may in time forgive you-If not, zounds, don't foreclose; they are not worth redeeming; be- enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare sides, you have the angels vows in exchange, 1 to breathe the same air, or use the same light suppose ; so there can be no loss there.

with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of Abs. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you.

your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trusȘir Anth. Hark'e, Jack ;-I have heard you tees, and you shall live on the interest.-I'll dise


of the way,

own you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you ! and

Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. damu me, if ever I call you Jack again!

[Erit Sir Anth. Sir Luc. Hah! my little embassadress-lipon Abs. Mild, gentle, considerate father, I kiss my conscience, I have been looking for you; I your hands. What a tender method of giving his have been on the south parade this half hour. opinion in these matters sir Anthony bas ! I dare Lucy. [Speaking simply.] O gemini ! and I not trust him with the truth. I wonder what old, have been waiting for your worship here on the wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me! | north! ---yet, he married, hinself, for love! and was, Sir Luc. Faith!--may be, that was the reason in his youth, a bold intriguer, and a gay compa we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how nion !

you could go out, and I not see you— for I was Enter Fac.

only taking a nap at the parade coftec-house, and

I chose the window on purpose that I might not Fag. Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a

miss you. degree: he comes down stairs eight or ten steps Lucy. My stars! Now, I would wager a sixat a time, mutteriny, growling, and thumping pence I went by vhile you were asleep! the banisters a'i the way : I, and the cook's dog, Sir Luc. Sure enougă it must have been som stand bowing at the door-rap! be gives me a and I never dreamt it was so late till I waked. stroke on the beasi with his cane, bids me carry Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for that to my master; then, kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all, for a puppy tri Lucy. Yes, but I have -I've got a letter for umvirate !-Upon' my credit, sir, were I in your you in my pocket. place, and found my father such very bad com Sir Luc. O, faith, I guessed you were not pany, I should certainly drop his acquaintance. come einpty-handed! Well; let me see what the Abs. Cease your iinpertinence, sir, at present,

dear creature says. -Did you conie in for nothing more?-Srand out Lucy. There, sir Lucius. [Pushes him aside, and erit.

(Gives him a letter. Fug. So! Sir Anthony trims my miaster: He Sir Luc. [Reads.] “Sir-There is often a suciis afraid to reply to his father, then vents his ' den incentive impulse in love, that has a greatspleen on poor Fag !-When one is vexed by one er induction than years of domestic combinaperson, to revenge one's self on another, who tion : such was the commotion I felt at the first happens to come in the way--is the vilést in- superfluous view of sir Lucius O'Trigger.' Very justice! Ah! it shews the worst temper--the pretty, upon my word. • Female punctuation basest

• forbids me to say more; yet, let me adı, that Enter Errand Boy.

' it will give me joy infallible to find sir Lucius 'worthy the last criterion of


affections. Boy. Mr Fag! Mr Fag! your master calls

· Delia' you.

Fag. Well, you little dirty puppy, you need Upon my conscience, Lucy, your lady is a great not bawl so !—The meanest disposition ! the mistress of language! Paith, she's quite the Boy. Quick, quick, Mi Fag.

queen of the dictionary! for the devil a word Fug. Quick, quick, you impudent jackanapes! | dare refuse coming at her call -though one am I to be commanded by you, too! you little would think it was quite out of hearing. impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred

Lucy. Ay, sir, a lady of her experience. [Exit, kicking and beating him. Sir Luc. Experience! what, at seventeen!

Lucy. O, true, sir-but then she reads so---iny SCENE II.- The North Parade.

stars ! how she will read oif band !

Sir Luc. Faith, she must be very deep read to Enter Lucy.

write this way, though she is rather an arbitrary Lucy. So-I shall have another rival to add to writer, foo; for here are a great inany poor my mistress's list-captain Absolute.- How- words pressed into the service of this note, that ever, I shall not enter his name till my purse has would get their habeas corpus from received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismiss- Christendom. ed !-- Well, I have done him a last friendly of Lucy. Ah, sir Lucius! If you were to hear fice, in letting him know that Bererley was here how she talks of you! before him. Sir Lucius is generally more punc Sir Luc. 0, tell her, I'll make her the best tual, when he expects to hear from his dear husband in the world, and lady O'Trigger into Dalia, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here! the bargain! But we must get the old gentlewo--I have a little scruple of conscience from this man's consent, and do every thing fairly. deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if Lucy. Nay, sir Lucius; I thought you was not my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her rich enough to be so nice ! own mistress.

Sir Luc. Upon my word, young woman, you VOL. II.

6 M

any court in

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have hit it: poor, that I can't afford to Fag. Come, come, Lucy; here's no one by-
would steal your mistress and her fortune with a more sincerity, if you please. You play false
great deal of pleasure. However, my pretty girl, with us, madam. I saw you give the baronet a
[Gives her money.) here's a little something to letter. My master shall know this; and if he
buy you a ribband; and meet me in the evening, don't call him out, I will.
and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen
take a kiss beforehand, to put you in mind, are so hasty. That letter was from Mrs Mala-

[Kisses her. prop, simpleton. She is taken with sir Lucius's
Lucy. O, lud, sir Lucius! I never seed such a address.
geinman! My lady won't like you if you are Fag. How! what tastes some people have !
so impudent.

Why, I suppose I have walked by her window an Sir Luc. Faith she will, Lucy; that same-hundred times. But what says your young lady? pho! what's the name of it?-modesty—is a qua- Any message to my master ? lity in a lover more praised by the women than Lucy. Sad news, Mr Fag! A worse rival than Jiked; so, if your mistress asks you whether sir Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed bis Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty, my son. dear.

Fag. What! captain Absolute? Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a Lucy. Even so- I overheard it all. lie?

Fag. Ha, ha, ha! very good, faith! GoodSir Luc. Ah, then, you baggage? I'll make it hye, Lucy; I must away with this news. a truth presently.

Lucy. Well; you may laugh; but it is true, I Lucy. For shame, now! here is some one co assure you. {Going.] But, Mr Fag, tell your ming.

master not to be cast down by this. Sir Luc. O, faith, I'll quiet your consience! Fag. O, he'll be so disconsolate! [Sees Fag. Erit, humming a tune. Lucy. And charge him not to think of quar

relling with young Absolute.
Enter Fac.

Fag. Never fear! never fear!-
Fag. So, so, madam! I humbly beg pardon. Lucy. Be sure ; bid him keep up his spirits.
Lucy. O, lud! now, Mr Fag-you furry one

Fag. We will

-we will.

[Ereunt severally.

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SCENE I.--The North Parade. him; he's any body's son for me. I never will

see him more; never, never, never, never! Enter ABSOLUTE.

Abs. Now for a penitential face. Abs. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whim Sir Anth. Fellow, get out of my way! sical enough, faith! My father wants to force Abs. Sir, you see a penitent before you. me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run Sir Anth. I see an impudent scoundrel before away with. He must not know of my connection with her yet a-while. He has too summary

Abs. A sincere penitent. I come, sir, to aca method of proceeding in these matters. How- knowledge my error, and to submit entirely to ever, I'll read my recantation instantly. My your will. conversion is something sudden, indeed; but I Sir Anth. What's that? can assure bin it is very sincere. So, so, here Abs. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and he coines. He looks plaguy gruff.

considering on your past goodness, and kindness, [Steps aside. and condescension to me.

Sir Anth. Well, sir?

Abs. I have been likewise weighing and balan

cing what you were pleased to mention conceraSir Anth. No: I'll die sooner than forgive ing duty, and obedience, and authority. him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years Sir Anth. Well, puppy? to plague biin. At our last meeting, his impu Abs. Why, then, sir, the result of my reflecdence had almost put me out of temper. An tions is, a resolution to sacrifice every inclination obstinate, passionate, self-willed hoy! Who can of my own to your satisfaction. he tałe after? This is my return for getting him Sir Anth. Why now, you talk sense-absolute before all his brothers and sisters ! for putting sense. I never heard any thing more sensible bim, at twelve years old, into a marching regi- in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack ment, and allowing hin fifty pounds a-year, be- again! sides his pav, ever since! But I have done with Abs. I am happy in the appellation..

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Sir Anth. Why, then, Jack, my dear Jack, I / very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife will now inform you who the lady really is. of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly a limited quantity of back: and though one eye fellow, prevented iny telling you at first. Pre may be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has pare, Jack, for wonder and rapture-prepare ! always run in favour of two, I would not wish to What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? affect a singularity in that article.

Abs. Languish! What, the Languishes of Wor Sir Anth. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, cestershire ?

sirrah, you're an anchorite! a vile, insensible Sir Anth. Worcestershire ! No. Did you ne- stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, ver meet Mrs Malaprop and her niece, Miss fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Languish, who came into our country just before Odds life! I've a great mind to marry the giri you were last ordered to your regiment? myself!

Abs. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember Abs. I am entirely at your disposal, sir; if you ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay; should think of addressing Miss Languish yourI think I do recollect something. Languish! self, I suppose you would have me marry the Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red- aunt: or, if you should change your mind, and haired girl?

take the old lady, 'tis the same to me, I'll marry Sir Anth. Squints! A red-haired girl! the niece. Zounds! no.

Sir Anth. Upon my word, Jack, thou’rt either Abs. Then, I must have forgot; it can't be the a very great hypocrite, or-but, come, I know same person.

your indifference on such a subject must be all a Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of lie—I'm sure it must---come, now-damn your blooming, love-breathing scventeen?

demure face! Come, confess, Jack; you, have Abs. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. been lying, ha’n't you? You have been playing If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I de- the hypocrite, hey? I'll never forgive you, if you sire.

ha'n't been lying and playing the hypocrite. Sir Anth. Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such Abs. I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty eyes ! so innocently wild! so hashfully irreso- which I bear to you should be so mistaken. lute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some Sir Anth. Hang your respect and duty! But, thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her come along with me; I'll write a note to Mrs Macheeks, Jack ! so deeply blushing at the insinua-laprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her tions of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips ! eyes shall be the Promethian torch to you, O, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and, Come along ! I'll never forgive you, if you don't if not smiling, more sweetly pouting'; more love- come back stark mad with rapture and impaly in sullenness !

tience—if you don't, egad, I'll marry the girl Abs. That's she, indeed. Well done, old gen- myself ! tleman ! [Aside.

(Eseunt. Sir Anth. Then, Jack, ber neck! 0, Jack, Jack !

SCENE II.-JULIA's dressing-room. Abs. And which is to be mine, sir; the niece or the aunt?

Enter FAULKLAND. Sir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, Faulk. They told me Julia would return disuch a description would have made me fly like a rectly; I wonder she is not yet come! How mean rocket! The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine apran away with your mother, I would not have pear to my cooler judgment! Yet I know not touched any thing old or ugly to gain an empire. that I indulge it in any other point; but on this one Abs. Not to please your father, sir?

subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I Sir Anth. To please my father! Zounds ! ) love beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously not to please -Oh, my father Od- fretful and madly capricious! I am conscious of so! yes, yes; if my father, indeed, had desired it; yet I cannat correct myself! What tender, -that's quite another matter. Though he was honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we met! not the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

How delicate was the warnith of her expressions ! Abs. I dare say not, sir.

I was ashamed to appear less happy, though I Sir Anth. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find had come resolved to wear a face of coolness your mistress is so beautiful ?

and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence preAbs. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this vented my proposed expostulations : yet I must affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a wo be satisfied that she has not been so very happy man the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if in my absence. She is coming! Yes! I kpow you please to recollect, you before hiuted some the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks thing about a hump or two, one eye, and a few her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of more graces of that kind Now, without being her stay.

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