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esteem me. And for person—I have often wish
ed myself deformed, to be convinced that I owed Julia. I had not hoped to see you again so no obligation there for any part of your affec
tion. Faulk. Could I, Julia, be contented with my Julia. Where nature has bestowed a show of first welcome, restrained as we were by the pre- nice attention in the features of a man, he should sence of a third person?
laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who, Juliu. () Faulkland, when your kindness can in this vain article, perhaps, might rank above make me thus happy, let me not think that I you; but my heart has never asked my eyes if it discovered something of coldness in your first were so or not. salutation !
Faulk. Now, this is not well from you, Julia; Faulk. 'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was I despise person in a man-yet, if you loved me rejoiced to see you-to see you in such health. as I wish, though I were an Ethiop, you'd think Sure I had no cause for coldness?
none so fair. Julia. Nay, then, I see you have taken some Julia. I see you are determined to be unkind. thing ill. You must not conceal from me what The contract, which my poor father bound us in, it is.
gives you more than a lover's privilege. Faulk. Well, then-shall I own to you, that Faulk. Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed my joy at hearing of your health and arrival, and justify my doubts. I would not have been here, by your cighbour Acres, was somewhat more free-no! I am proud of my restraint. damped by his dwelling much on the high spirits / Yet, yet-perhaps your high respect alone for you had enjoyed in Devonshire-on your mirth, this solenn compact has fettered your inclinayour singing, dancing, and I know not what ! tions, which, else, had made a worthier choice. For such is my temper, Julia, that I should re How shall I be sure, had you remained unbound gard every mirihtul moment in your absence as in thought and promise, that I should still have a treason to constancy: The mutual tear that been the object of your persevering love? steals down the cheek of parting lovers is a Julia. Then try me now. Let us be free as compact, that no sinile shall live there till they strangers as to whiat is past: my heart will not meet again.
feel more liberty. Julia. Must I never cease to tax my Faulk Faulk. There now! So hasty, Julia ! So angland with this teasiny, minute caprice? Can the ious to be free! If your love for me were fised idle reports of a siliy boor weigh in your breast and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even against my tried affection?
though I wished it! Faulk. They have no weight with me, Julia : Julia. Oh, you torture me to the heart! I canNo, no; I am happy if you bave been so. Yet
not bear it. only say, that you did not sing with mirth; say Faulk. I do not mean to distress you. If I that you thought of Faulkland in the dance! loved you less, I should never give you an uneasy
Juliu. I never can be happy in your absence! moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubis If I wear a countenance of content, it is to shew arise from this. Women are not used to weigh that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's and separate the motives of their affections: the truth. If I seemed sad, it were to make malice cold dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial dutriumph; and say, that I had fixed my heart on ty, may sometimes be mistaken for the pleadings one, who left me to lament his roving, and my of the heart. I would not boast; yet let me own credulity. Believe me, Faulkland, I mean say, that I have neither age, person, or character, not to upbraid you, when I say, that I hare often to found dislike on ; my fortune such as few ladressed sorrow in smilcs, lest my friends should dies could be charged with indiscretion in the guess whose unkindness had caused my tears. inatch. O Julia! when love receives such coun
Faulk. You were ever all goodness to me! tenance from prudence, nice minds will be susp:O, I am a brute, when I but admit a doubt of cious of its tirib. your true constancy!
Julia. I kuow not whither your insinuations Julia. If ever, without such cause from you, as would tend: but as they seem pressing to insult I will not suppose possible, you find my affection me, I will spare you the regret of having donc veering but a point, may I become a proverbial so. I have given you no cause for this! scoff for levity and base ingratitude!
[Erit, in tears. Faulk. Ah, Julia, that last word is grating to Faulk. In tears! Stay, Julia : stay but for a me! I would I had no title to your gratitude! moment. The door is fastened! Julia ; my soul Search your heart, Julia; perhaps, what you | --but for one moment: I hear ber sobbing ! have mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion ! 'Sdeath! What a brute am I to use her thus! of a too thankful heart !
Yet stay. Ay; she is coming now : How little Julia. For what quality must I love you? resolution there is in weman! How a few soft
Faulk. For no quality? To regard nie for any words can turn them! No, faith! She is not con quality of mind or understanding, were only to ming, either. Why, Julia! my love! say but that
you forgive me; come but to tell me that; now thing in my power, since I exploded the affair;
[Aside. linked, instead, to some antique virago, whose Mrs Mal. Ay; here it is. gnawing passions, and long hoarded spleen, shall Abs. Ay; my note indeed! O the little traimake one curse my folly half the day, and all tress Lucy!
[Aside. the night.
Mrs Mal. There; perhaps you may know the
writing. SCENE III.--Mrs MALAPROP's lodgings.
[Gives him the letter.
Abs. I think I have seen the hand before; yes, Enter Mrs MALAPROP, with a letter in her I certainly must have seen this hand before hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.
Mrs Mal. Nay; but read it, captain. Mrs Mal. Your being sir Anthony's son, cap Abs. [Reads.] – My soul's idol; my adored tain, would itself be a sufficient accoinmodation; Lydia! Very tender, indeed ! but, from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am Mrs Mal. Tender! ay, and prophane, too, o' convinced you deserve the character here given my conscience!
Abs. “I am excessirely alarmed at the intelliAbs. Permit me to say, inadam, that, as I never gence you send me; the more so, as my new riyet have had the pleasure of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement, in this affair, at Mrs Mal. That's you, sir. present, is the honour of being allied to Mrs .Abs. · Has universally the character of being Malaprop; of whose intellectual accomplish- an accomplished gentleman, and a man of homents, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, nour. Well, that's bandsome enough. no tongue is silent.
Mrs Mal. O, the feilow has some design in Mirs Mal. Sir, you do me infinite honour! I writing so. beg, captain, you'll be seated.—[Sit.]-Ah! few Abs. That he had ; I'll answer for him, magentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the dam. ineffectual qualities in a woman! Few think how Mrs Mal. But go on, sir; you'll see presenta little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman! Men ly. have no sense, now, but for the worthless flower Abs. As for the old weather-beaten she-dra of beauty!
gon, who guards you,'—Who can he mean by Abs. It is but too true, indeed, madam; yet I that? fear our ladies should share the blame; they Mrs Mal. Me, sir : me: he means me there; think our admiration of beauty so great, that what do you think, now? But go on a little furknowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, ther. like garden trees, they seldom shew fruit, till Abs. Impudent scoundrel !—It shall go hard time has robbed them of the more specious blos - but I will elude her vigilance, as I am told that som. Few, like Mrs Malaprop and the orange the same ridiculous vanity, which makes her tr e, are rich in both at once!
'dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull Mrs Mal. Sir, you overpower me with good chat with hard words which she don't underbreeding; he is the very pine-apple of politeness. standYou are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl Mrs Mal. There, sir! an attack upon my lanhas somehow contrived to fix her affections on a guage! What do you think of that? An asperbeggarly, strolling, eve's-dropping ensign, whom sion upon my parts of speech! Was ever such a none of us have seen, and nobody knows any brute! Sure, 'if I reprehend any thing in this thing of.
world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a Abs. 0, I have heard the silly affair before. nice derangement of epitaphs ! I am not at all prejudiced against her on that ac Abs. He deserves to be hanged and quartered!
Let me see-same ridiculous vanity'Mrs Mal. You are very good, and very
consi Mrs Mal. You need not read it again, sir. derate, captain. I am sure I have done every Abs. I beg pardon, madam-does also lay
per a little.
• her open to the grossest deceptions from Mat
Enter LYDIA, tery and pretended admiration ;'-an impudent coxcomb != so that I have a scheme to see you • shortly with the old harridan's consent, and Lydia. What a scene am I now to go through! even to make her a go-between in our inter- Surely nothing can be more dreadful, than to be view. Was ever such assurance !
obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a Mrs Mal. Did you ever hear any thing like stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls, it? He'll elude my vigilance, will he--yes, yes! persecuted as I am, who have appealed in behalf Ha, ha! he's very likely to enter these dvors of their favoured lover, to the generosity of his We'll try who can plot best!
rival: suppose I were to try it--there stands the Abs. So we will, madam; so we will. Ha, ha, hated rival-an officer, too! But O how unlike ha! a conceited puppy, ha, ha, ha! Well, but, my Beverley! I wonder he don't begin; truly, Mrs Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by he seems a very negligent wooer! Quite at his this fellow, suppose you were to wink at her cor- ease, upon my word! I'll speak first; Mr Abresponding with bim for a little time---let lier solute ! even plot an elopement with him-then do you Abs. Madam.
[Turns round, connive at her escape---while I, just in the nick, Lydia. O Heavens ! Beverley! will have the fellow laid by the heels, and fairly Abs. Hush ! hush, my life! softly! be not surcontrive to carry her off in his stead!
Mrs Mal. I am delighted with the scheme ! Lydia. I am so astonished ! and so terrified ! I never was any thing better perpetrated ! and so overjoyed! -for Heaven's sake! how
Abs. But, pray, could not I see the lady for a came you here? few minutes, now? I should like to try her tem Abs. Briefly -I have deceived your aunt
I was informed, that my new rival was to visit Mrs Mal. Why, I don't know; I doubt she is here this evening; and, contriving to have hint not prepared for a visit of this kind. There is a kept away, have passed myself on her for capdecorum in these matters.
tain Absolute. Abs. O Lord! she won't mind me; only tell Lydia. O) charming ! And she really takes her Beverley
Abs. O, she's convinced of it! Abs. Gently, good tongue !
Aside. Lydia. Ha, ha, ha! I can't forbear laughing, Mrs Mal. What did you say of Beverley? to think how her sagacity is over-reached ! Abs. 0, I was going to propose that you
should Abs. But we trifle with our precious moments tell her, by way of jest, that it was Beverley who -such another opportunity may not occurwas below; she'd come down fast enough then then let me now conjure my kind, my condes-ha, ha, ha!
cending angel, to fix the time when I may resMrs Mal. "Twould be a trick she well de-cue her from undeserving persecution, and, with serves; besides, you know the fellow tells her a licensed warmth, plead for my reward. he'll get my consent to her; ha, ha! Let him if Lydia. Will you, then, Beverley, consent to he can, I say again. Lydia, come down here !- forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth? that (Calling. )--He'll make me a go-between in their burden on the wings of love? interviews ! Ha, ha, ha! Come down, I say, Ly Abs. O, come to me-rich only thus—in lovedia! I don't wonder at your laughing; ha, ha, liness ! -Bring no portion to me but thy love ha! His impudence is truly ridiculous.
'twill be generous in you, Lydia—for well you Abs. 'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soal, ma- know, it is the only dower your poor Beverley dam! ha, ha, ha!
can repay, Mrs Mal. The little hussy won't hear. Well, Lydia. How persuasive are his words Show I'll go and tell her at once who it is; she shall charming will poverty be with him ! know that captain Absolute is come to wait on Abs. Åb! my soul, what a life will we then her. And I'll make her behave as becomes a live! Lore shall be our idol and support! we young woman.
will worship him with a monastic strictness; abAbs. As you please, madam.
juring all worldly toys, to centre every thought Mrs Mal. For the present, captain, your ser- and action there! Proud of calamity, we will vant. Ah! you've not done laughing yet, I see; enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surroundelude my vigilance ! yes, yes; ha, ha, ha! ing gloom of adversity shall make the flame of
[.Exit Mrs Mal. our pure love show doubly bright. By Ilearens ! Abs. Ha, ha, ha! One would think, now, that I would fling all goods of fortune from me with I might throw off all disguise at once, and seize a prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might iny prize with security; but such is Lydia's ca- clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world price, that to undeceive were probably to lose affords no smile to membut here - [Embrearher. I'll see whether she knows me.
cing her.] If she holds out now, the devil is in (Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking it!
(Aside. at the pictures.
Lydia. Now could I fly with bim to the Aati
podes! but my persecution is not yet come to a Lydia. May every blessing wait on my Bevercrisis.
ley, my loved Bev
Mrs Mal, Hussy! I'll choak the word in your Enter MRS MALAPROP, listening. throat !_Come along, come along ! Mrs Mal. I am impatient to know how the [Ereunt sederally—ABSOLUTE kissing his little hussy deports herself.
hand to LYDIA-Mrs MALAPROP stopAbs. So pensive, Lydia !-Is, then, your warmth
ping her from speaking. abated?
Mrs Mal. Warmth abated !-So, she has been SCENE IV.- Acres's lodgings. in a passion, I suppose ?
Lydia. No-nor ever can while I have life. Acres and David.— ACRES as just dressed.
Mrs Mel. An ill-tempered little devil! She'll Acres. Indeed, David ! do you think I become be in a passion all her life-will she?
it so ? Lydia. Think not the idle threats of my ridi David. You are quite another creature, believe culous aunt can ever have any weight with me, me, master, by the mass ! an' we've any luck, we
Mrs Mal. Very dutiful, upon my word! shall see the Devon monkerony in all the print
Lydia. Let her choice be captain Absolute, shops in Bath! but Beverley is mine.
Acres. Dress does make a difference, David. Mrs Mal. I am astonished at her assurance ! David. 'Tis all in all, I think--difference ! To his face !- this is to his face!
why, an' you were to go now to Clod-Hall, I am Abs. Thus, then, let me enforce my suit. certain the old lady wouldn't know you : master
(Kneeling. Butler wouldn't believe his own eyes; and Mrs Mrs Mar. Aye, poor young man down on Pickle would cry, · Lard preserve ineour daihis knees intreating for pity I can contain ry-maid would come giggling to the door; and I no longer.—Why, thou vixen! I have overheard warrant Dolly Tester, your honour's favourite, you !
would blush like my waistcoat !
-Oons! I'll Abs. O, confound her vigilance ! (Aside. hold a gallon, there an't a dog in the house but
Mrs Mal. Captain Absolute, I know not how would bark, and I question whether Phillis would to apologize for her shocking rudeness.
wag a hair of her tail ! Abs. Šo—all's safe, I find. (Aside.) -I have Acres. Aye, David, there's nothing like polishhopes, madam, that time will bring the young la- ing. dy
David. So I says of your honour's boots; but Mrs Mal. O, there's nothing to be hoped for the boy never heeds me! from her-she's as headstrong as an allegory on Acres. But, David, has Mr De-la-grace been the banks of Nile !
here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, Lydia. Nay, madam; what do you charge me and boring, with, now?
David. I'll call again, sir. Mrs Mal. Why, thou unblushing rebel ! did Acres. Do—and see if there are any letters for not you tell this gentleman, to his face, that you me at the post-office. loved another better? did not you say you never David. I will. By the mass, I can't help lookwould be bis?
ing at your head! If I hadn't been by at the Lydia. No, madam, I did not.
cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known Mrs Mal. Good Heavens ! what assurance ! the dish again myself!
[Erit. Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know, that lying dou't become a young woman! Did not you boast, Acres comes forward, practising a dancing step. that Beverley—that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart? Tell me that, I say !
Acres. Sink, slide-coupee-Confound the first Lydia. 'Tis true, madam, and none but Be-inventors of cotillons, say I !-they are as bad as verley
algebra to us country gentlemen-I can walk a Mrs Mal. Hold! hold, assurance ! you shall minuet easy enough, when I am forced—and I not be so rude.
have been accounted a good stick in a countryAbs. Nay; pray, Mrs Malaprop, don't stop the dance.-Odds jiggs and tabors !—I never vayoung lady's speech: she's very welcome to talk lued your cross-over to couple-figure in-right thus-it does not hurt me in the least, I assure and left-and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in you.
the county !-but these outlandish heathen alleMrs Mal. You are too good, captain—too ami- mandes and cotillons are quite beyond me! ably patient—but come with me, miss.---Let shall never prosper at them, that's sure-mine us see you again soon, captain-remember what are true-born English legs—they don't understand we have fixed.
their curst French lingo !--their pas this, and pas Abs. I shall, madam.
that, and pas t'other !--Damn me! my feet don't Mrs Mal. Come, take a graceful leave of the like to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have gentleman.
most antigallican toes !
or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired
where the right lay? No, by my soul! they drew Ser. Here is sir Lucius O’Trigger to wait on their broad swords, and left the lazy sons of
peace to settle the justice of it. Acres. Shew bim in.
Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to
my heart! I believe courage must be catching! Enter Sir Lucius.
I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it Sir Luc, Mr Acres, I am delighted to embrace were--a kind of courage, as I may say Odds you.
flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challerige him diAcres. My dear sir Lucius, I kiss your
rectly. Sir Luc. Pray, my friend, what has brought Sir Luc. Ah, my little friend! if I had Blunyou so suddenly to Bath?
derbuss-tiall here--I could show you a range of Acres. Faith! I have followed Cupid's jack-a- ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furlantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last! nish the new room! every one of whom had In short, I have been very ill-used, sir Lucius. killed bis man ! For though the inansion-house I don't choose to mention names; but look on and dirty acres have slipt through my fingers, I me as on a very ill-used gentleman.
thank lieaven, our honour, and the family-picSir Luc. Pray, what is the case ? I ask no tures, are as fresh as ever!
Acres. O, sir Lucius, I have had ancestors, Acres. Mark me, sir Lucius: I fall as deep as too!-every man of them colonel or captain in need be in love with a young lady---her friends the militia Odds balls and barrels! say no take my part--I follow her to Bath---send word more--I'm braced for it !--The thunder of your of my arrival—and receive answer, that the lady words has soured the milk of human kindness in is to be otherwise disposed of! This, sir Lucius, my breast !--Zounds! as the man in the play I call being ill-used.
says, 'I could do such deeds Sir Luc, Very ill, upon my conscience ! Pray, Sír Luc. Come, come; there must be no pascan you divive the cause of it?
sion at all in the case—these things should alAcres. Why, there's the matter; she has ano ways be done civilly. ther lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now Acres. I must be in a passion, sir Lucios--I in Bath.-Odds slanders and lies ! he must be at must be in a rage.-Dear sir Lucius, let me be the bottom of it!
in a rage, if you love me.-Come, here's pen and Sir Luc. A rival in the case, is there? And paper. [Sits doun to write.] I would the ink were you think he has supplanted you unfairly? red !-Indite, I say indite !-How shall I begin!
Acres. Unfairly! to be sure he has. He ne-Odds bullets and blades ! I'll write a good buld ver could have done it fairly.
hand, however. Sir Luc. Then, sure you know what is to be Sir Luc. Pray, compose yourself. done?
Acres. Come--now, shall I begin with an oath? Acres. Not I, opon my soul !
Do, sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme! Sir Luc. We wear no swords here; but you Sir Luc. Pho, pho! do the thing decently, and understand me?
like a Christian. Begin now' SirAcres. What! fight him?
Acres. That's too civil by half. Sir Luc. Aye, to be sure; what can I mean Sir. Luc. “To prevent the confusion that inight else?
'ariseAcres. But he has given me no provocation. Acres. Weil
Sir Luc. Now, I think he has given you the Sir Luc. • From our both addressing the same greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another, Acres. Aye; there's the reason—same ladythan to fall in love with the same woman? 0, Wellby my soul ! it is the most unpardonable breach Sir Luc. “ I shall expect the honour of your of friendship
company Acres. Breach of friendship! Aye, aye; but I Acres. Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner! have to acquaintance with this man.
Sir Luc. Pray, be easy. saw him in my life.
Acres. Well, then— honour of your compaSir Lue. That's no argument at all; he has nythe less right, then, to take such a liberty.
Sir Luc. ' To settle our pretensionsAcres. Gad! that's true I grow full of anger, Acres. Well. sir Lucius! I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades ! Sir Luc. Let me see; aye, King's Mead-field I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, will do in King's Mcad-fields. and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to Acres. So that's done.--Well, I'll fold it up bave a little right of my side?
presently; my own cresta hand and dagger Sir Luc. What the devil signifies right, when shall be the seal. your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, Sir Luc. You see, now, this little explanatiob