| just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expence of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out. Acres. By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson. Sir Luc. I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well, for the present-but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner. Let your courage be as keen, but, at the same time, as polished as your sword. [Exeunt severally. ACT IV. Enter ACRES and DAVID. David. THEN, by the mass, sir, I would do no such thing!-ne'er a sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wa'n't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't? Acres. Ah! David, if you had heard sir Lucius! Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour. David. Not he, indeed. I hates such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you'd wanted a bout at boxing, quarter-staff, or shortstaff, I should never be the man to bid you cry, off: But for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of them. Acres. But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour. David. Aye, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think, in return, my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me. Acres. Odds blades, David! no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour! David. I say, then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentlemanLook'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend! aye, truly, a very courtier-like servant!-Put the case: I was a gentleman (which, thank God! no one can say of me); well, my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.- -So, we fight, (Pleasant enough that!) Boh! I kill him! (the more's my luck). Now, pray, who gets the profit of it? Why, my honour!-But, put the case, that he kills me!By the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my ene my! Acres. No, David---in that case! Odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave. David. Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it. Acres. Zounds! David, you are a coward! It doesn't become my valour to listen to you. VOL. II. What, shall I disgrace my ancestors? Think of that, David; think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors! David. Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look'e now, master, to go to them in such haste, with an ounce of lead in your brains! I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with. Acres. But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very, very great danger! hey? Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done! David. By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!-Oons! here to meet some lionheaded fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols ! lord bless us ! it makes me tremble to think o't!-Those be such desperate bloodyminded weapons! Well, I never could abide them! from a child I never could fancy them!-I suppose there a'n't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol! Acres. Zounds! I won't be afraid-Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me afraid.—Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack Absolute to carry it for me. David. Aye, in the name of mischief, let him be the messenger.---For my part, I wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the mass! it don't look like another letter ! It is, as I may say, a designing and maliciouslooking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a soldier's pouch!---Oons! I wouldn't swear it may'nt go off! Acres. Out, you poltroon!-you ha'n't the valour of a grass-hopper. David. Well, I say no more; 'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod Hall! but I have done. How Phillis will howl when she hears of it! Aye, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and 6 N Abs. Indeed!-Why, you won't fight him, will you, Bob? Acres. 'Egad, but I will, Jack.-Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full of rage, and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn't be wasted. Abs. But what have I to do with this? Acres. Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance. it. Abs. Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets Acres. Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great deal of trouble. Abs. I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country, Fighting Bob. Acres. Right, right; 'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life, if I clear my honour. Abs. No! that's very kind of you. Acres. Why, you don't wish me to kill him? do you, Jack? Abs. No, upon my soul, I do not. -But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going. Acres. True, true; but stay-stay, Jackyou may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before; a most devouring rage! Abs. I will, I will. Acres. Remember, Jack—a determined dog! Abs. Aye, aye; Fighting Bob! [Exeunt severally. SCENE II.-MRS MALAPROP's lodgings. MRS MALAPROP and LYDIA. Mrs Mal. Why, thou perverse one! tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a handsome man? tell me that.-A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man? Lydia. She little thinks whom she is praising! [Aside.]-So is Beverley, madam. Mrs Mal. No caparisons, miss, if you please. -Caparisons don't become a young woman.No! captain Absolute is, indeed, a fine gentleman! Lydia. Ay; the captain Absolute you have, scen. [Aside. Mrs Mal. Then, he's so well bred; so full of alacrity, and adulation!--and has so much to say for himself:-in such good language, too!-His physiognomy so grammatical:-Then, his presence is so noble: I protest, when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play :- Hesperian 'curls-the front of Job himself!—an eye, like March, to threaten at command!—a station, like Harry Mercury, new' Something about kissing-on a hill-however, the similitude struck me directly. Lydia. How enraged she'll be presently when she discovers her mistake! · [Aside. Enter Servant. Ser. Sir Anthony and captain Absolute are below, madain. Mrs Mal. Shew them up here. [ Exit Servant.] Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as be comes a young woman.-Shew your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty. Lydia. Madam, I have told you my resolution!-I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.] Enter SIR ANTHONY, and ABSOLUTE. Sir Anth. Here we are, Mrs Malaprop, come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty; and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. I don't know what's the matter; but, if I had not held him by force, he'd have given me the slip. Mrs Mal. You have infinite trouble, sir Anthony, in the affair.—I am ashamed for the cause! Lydia, Lydia, rise, I bescech you!-pay your respects! [Aside to her. Sir Anth. I hope, madam, that miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance.-Now, Jack, speak to her. [Aside to him. Abs. What the devil shall I do? [Aside.] You see, sir, she won't even look at me, whilst you are here. I knew she would not!--I told you so-Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [ABSOLUTE Seems to expostulate with his father.] Lydia. [Aside.] I wonder I have not heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't have looked at him!- -perhaps their regimentals are alike, and she is something blind. Sir Anth. I say, sir, I won't stir a foot, yet. Mrs Mal. I am sorry to say, sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small.-Turn round, Lydia; I blush for you! [Aside to her. Sir Anth. May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of dislike she can have to my son!-Why don't you begin, Jack ? Speak, you puppy-speak! [Aside to him. Mrs Mal. It is impossible, sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she has.Answer, hussy! why don't you answer? [Aside to her. Sir Anth. Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no bar to Jack's happiness. -Zounds, sirrah, why don't you speak? [Aside to him. Lydia. [Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself.- -How strangely blind my aunt must be! Abs. Hem, hem! Madam, hem! [ABSOLUTE attempts to speak, then returns to SIR ANTHONY.] Faith, sir, I am 30 confounded! and so, so confused! I told you I should be so, sir; I knew it. The-the-tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind. Sir Anth. But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it? Go up, and speak to her directly! [ABSOLUTE makes signs to MRS MALAPROP to leave them together.] Mrs Mal. Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together? Ah, you stubborn little vixen! [Aside to her. Sir Anth. Not yet, madam, not yet! what the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or[Aside to him. [ABSOLUTE draws near LYDIA.] Abs. Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! I must disguise my voice. [dside. Speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not Sir Anth. What the devil ails the fellow Why don't you speak out? not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsey! Abs. The-the-excess of my awe, and mymy-my modesty, quite choak me! Sir Anth. Ah, your modesty again! I'll tell you what, Jack, if you don't speak out directly, and glibly, too, I shall be in such a rage! Mrs Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a side front. [MRS MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA. Abs. So all will out, I see! [Goes up to LyDIA-speaks softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia; suppress all surprise at present. Lydia. [Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on sir Anthouy, too! [Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this possible! my Beverley! how can this be, my Beverley? Abs. Ah, 'tis all over! [Aside. Sir Anth. Beverley! the devil! Beverley! What can the girl mean? This is my son, Jack Absolute. Mrs Mal. For shame, hussy; for shame! your head ruus so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes; beg captain Absolute's pardon directly. Lydia. I see no captain Absolute, but my ved Beverley! lo Sir Anth. Zounds, the girl's mad! her brain's turned by reading! Mrs Mal. O' my conscience, I believe so! What do you mean by Beverley, hussy? You saw captain Absolute before to-day; there he is; your husband that shall be. Lydia. With all my soul, madam! when I refuse my Beverley Sir Anth. O, she's as mad as Bedlam! or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick? Come here, sirrah; who the devil are you? Abs. Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect. Sir Anth. Are you my son, or not? Answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me. Mrs Mal. Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy, I begin to suspect ! Abs. Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! [Aside.] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife's son; and that I sincerely believe myself [Sings.] to be yours also, I hope my duty has always | Hey! Odd's life! I'm in such spirits; I don't Tol-de-rol! Egad, I should like to have a little V Abs. O, you flatter me, sir! you compliment ---'tis my modesty, you know, sir; my modesty that has stood in my way. So grave, Lydia! [Aside. Abs. So! Egad, I thought as much! that damned monosyllable bas froze me! [Aside.]— What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our friends' consent, as in our mutual vows Lydia. Friends' consent, indeed! [Peevishly. Abs. Come, come; we must lay aside some of our romance-a little wealth and comfort may Sir Anth. Well, I am glad you are not the be endured after all. And, for your fortune, the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be, how-lawyers shall make such settlements asever; I am glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog, I am: So this was your penitence, your duty, and obedience! I thought it was damned sudden! You never heard their names before, not you! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire, hey? If you could please me in the affair, 'twas all you desired! Ah, you dissembling villain! What! [Pointing to LYDIA.] she squints, don't she? a little red-haired girl! hey? Why, you hypocrital young rascal! I wonder you are not ashamed to hold up your head! Lydia. Lawyers! I hate lawyers! Abs. Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly procure the licence, and Abs. 'Tis with difficulty, sir; I am confused ---very much confused, as you must perceive. Mrs Mal. O, lud, sir Anthony! a new light breaks in me! hey! how! what! Captain, upon did you write the letters, then? What, am I to thank you for the elegant compilation of an old, 'weather-beaten she-dragon, hey? O mercy! was it you that reflected on my parts of speech? Abs. Dear sir, my modesty will be overpowered, at last, if you don't assist me. I shall certainly not be able to stand it! Lydia. The licence! I hate licence! Abs. O, my love! be not so unkind! thus, let me intreat[Kneeling. Lydia. Pshaw! what signifies kneeling, when you must I must have you? Abs. [Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your inclinations, I promise you. If I have lost your heart, I resign the rest. 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do. [Aside. Lydia. [Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud. What, you have been treating me like a child! humouring my romance and laughing, I suppose, at your success? Abs. You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me; only hear Sir Anth. Come, come, Mrs Malaprop, we Lydia. So, while I fondly imagined we were we must forget and forgive; odd's life! natters deceiving my relations, and flattered myself that have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I should outwit and incense them all—behold, I could find in my heart, to be so good-humour-my hopes are to be crushed at once, by my ed! and so gallant-hey! Mrs Malaprop? Mrs Mul. Well, sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the past; so mind, young people our retrospection will be all to the future. Sir Anth. Come, we must leave them together. Mrs Malaprop, they long to fly into each other's arms, I warrant. Jack, is not the cheek as I said, hey? and the eye, you rogue! and the lip: hey? Come, Mrs Malaprop, we'll not disturb their tenderness-their's is the time of life for happiness [Sings.]. Youth's the season made for joy. aunt's consent and approbation; and I am, myself, the only dupe, at last! [Walking about in a heat.] But, here, sir; here is the picture; Beverley's picture! [Taking a miniature from her bosom.] which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and entreaties. There, sir, [Flings it to him.] and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily. Abs. Nay, nay, madam; we will not differ as to that-Here, [Taking out a picture.] here is Miss Lydia Languish. What a difference! aye, there is the heavenly assenting smile, that first gave soul and spirit to my hopes! those are the lips, which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in Cupid's calendar; and there, the half resentful blush, that would have checked the ardour of blood of the Absolutes was always impatient! my thanks-Well, all that's past-all over, in-Ha, ha, ha! poor little Lydia! Why, you've deed. There, madam! in beauty, that copy is frightened her, you dog, you have. not equal to you; but, in my mind, it's merit over Abs. By all that's good, sirthe original, in being still the same, is such-that —I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up again. Lydia. [Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir. I, I, I suppose you are perfectly satisfied? Abs. O, most certainly sure, now, this is much better than being in love-ha, ha, ha!{ there's some spirit in this! What signifies breaking some scores of solemn promises: all that is of no consequence, you know. To be sure people will say, that Miss did not know her own mindbut never mind that; or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her-but don't let that fret you. Lydia. There's no bearing this insolence. [Bursts into tears. Enter MRS MALAPROP and SIR ANTHONY. Mrs Mal. [Entering.] Come, we must rupt your billing and cooing a while. Sir Anth. Zounds! say no more, I tell you. Mrs Malaprop shall make your peace. You must make his peace, Mrs Malaprop: you must tell her 'tis Jack's way; tell her 'tis all our ways-it runs in the blood of our family! Come away, Jack-Ha, ha, ha! Mrs Malaprop-a young villain ! [Pushes him out. Mrs Mal. O, sir Anthony! O fie, captain! [Exeunt severally. SCENE IV.-The North Parade. Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. Sir Luc. I wonder where this captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience! these officers are always in one's way in love affairs: I remember I might have married lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could inter-get a sight of me! And I wonder, too, what it is the ladies can see in them to be so fond of them! Unless it be a touch of the old serpent in them, that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of red cloth. Hah! isn't this the captain coming? faith it is! There is a probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking! Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside. Lydia. This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate! [Sobbing. Sir Anth. What the devil's the matter now? Zounds, Mrs Malaprop, this is the oddest billing and cooing I ever heard! but what the deuce is the meaning of it? I am quite astonished! Abs. Ask the lady, sir. Mrs Mal. O, mercy, I am quite analysed for my part! Why, Lydia, what is the reason of this? Lydia. Ask the gentleman, madam. Sir Anth. Zounds! I shall be in a phrenzy! why, Jack, you are not come out to be any one else, are you? Mrs Mal. Aye, sir, there's no more trick, is there? you are not like Cerberus, three gentlemen at once, are you? Abs. You'll not let me speak-I say the lady can account for this much better than I can. Lydia. Madam, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again; there is the man ; I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for ever. [Exit LYDIA. Mrs Mal. O mercy and miracles! what a turn here is! why, sure captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece? Sir Anth. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! now I see it! Ha, ha, ha! now I see it! You have been too lively, Jack. Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word ! Sir Anth. Come, no lying, Jack. I'm sure 'twas so. Mrs Mal. O Lud! Sir Anthony! O fie, Captain ! Abs. Upon my soul, madam Sir Anth. Come, no excuses, Jack! why, your father, you rogue, was so before you: the Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Abs. To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for all my schemes, upon my soul! a little gypsey! I did not think her romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never was in a worse humour in my life! I cou'd cut my own ́throat, or any other person's, with the greatest pleasure in the world! Sir Luc. O, faith, I'm in the luck of it! I never could have found him in a sweeter temper for my purpose; to be sure, I'm just come in the nick! now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel genteely. [SIR LUCIUS goes up to ABSOLUte. With regard to that matter, captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you. Abs. Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant; because, sir, I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all. Sir Luc. That's no reason. For, give me leave to tell you, a man may think an untruth as well as speak one. Abs. Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think they might stand a chance of escaping controversy. Sir Luc. Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same thing. Abs. Hark'e, sir Lucius; if I had not before |