Never return to mine own house again?
We're lodged here in the miserablest dog-hole!
A conjuror's circle gives content above it;
A hawk's mew is a princely palace to it:
We have a bed no bigger than a basket,
And we lie like butter clapt together,
And sweat ourselves to sauce immediately;
The fumes are infinite, that inhabit here too,
And to that so thick they cut like marmalade;
So various too, they'll pose a gold finder.
Never return to mine own paradise-
Why, wife, I say; why, Estifania!

Estif. [within.] I'm going presently.
Per. Make haste, good jewel.

I'm like the people that live in the sweet islands:
I die, I die, if I stay but one day more here.
My lungs are rotten with the damps that rise,
And I cough nothing now but stinks of all sorts.
The inhabitants we have are two starved rats,
(For they're not able to maintain a cat here,)
And those appear as fearful as two devils;
They've eat a map o' the whole world up already,

Let's have our house again immediately;
And pray ye take heed unto the furniture,
None be embezzled.

Estif. Not a pin, I warrant ye.

Per. And let them instantly depart.

Estif. They shall both; there's reason in all courtesy;

For by this time I know she has acquainted him, And has provided too: she sent me word, sir, And will give over gratefully unto you.

Per. I will walk in the church-yard;

The dead cannot offend more than these living. An hour hence I'll expect ye.

Estif. I'll not fail, sir.

Per. And do you hear? let's have a handsome dinner,

And see all things be decent as they have been;
And let me have a strong bath to restore me;
I stink like a stale fish-shambles, or an oil-shop.
Estif. You shall have all, which some inter-
pret nothing.
[Aside.
I'll send ye people for the trunks afore-hand.
Per. Let them be known and honest;
And do my service to your niece.
Estif. I shall, sir :

But if I come not at my hour, come thither,
That they may give you thanks for your fair cour-

tesy;

And pray you, be brave for my sake. Per. I observe ye.

SCENE III-A street.

[Exeunt.

ble,

FOGO.

San. Thou'rt very brave.

Caca. I've reason, I have money.
San. Is money reason?

Caca. Yes, and rhyme too, captain.
If you've no money, you're an ass.
San. I thank ye.

Caca. Ye've manners; ever thank him, that has

money.

San. Wilt thou lend me any?

Caca. Not a farthing, captain:

Captains are casual things.

San. Why so are all men. Thou shalt have my bond.

Caca. Not bonds, nor fetters, captain.

My money is my own, I make no doubt on't.
Juan. What dost thou do with it?

Caca. Put it to pious uses.

Will be argument of mirth for ever.
By that time you have said your orisons,
And broke your fast, I shall be back, and ready
To usher you to your old content, your freedom.
Per. Break my fast! break my neck rather.

Is there any thing here to cat

But one another, like a race of cannibals?
A piece of buttered wall you think is excellent.

combs

Juan. A provident charity. Are you for the wars, sir?

Caca. I am not poor enough to be a soldier, Nor have I faith enough to ward a bullet; There is no lining for a trench, I take it. Juan. Ye have said wisely.

Caca. Had you but my money,

You'd swear it, colonel. I had rather drill at home

A hundred thousand crowns, and with more ho

nour,

Than exercise ten thousand fools with nothing. A wise man safely feeds, fools cut their fingers. San. A right state usurer. Why dost not

marry,

And live a reverend justice?

Caca. Is it not nobler to command a reverend

justice, than to be one?

And for a wife, what need I marry, captain, When every courteous fool, that owes me money, Owes me his wife too, to appease my fury?

Juan. Wilt thou go to dinner with us?

Caca. I will go, and view the pearl of Spain, the orient

Fair one, the rich one too; and I will be respected.

I bear my patent here; I will talk to her;
And when your captainships shall stand aloof,
And pick your noses, I will pick the purse
Of her affection.

Old Wom. Ha! What would ye have?
Per. My goods again. How came my trunks
all open?

Old Wom. Are your trunks all open?
Per. Yes, and clothes gone,

And chains and jewels. How she smells like hung beef,

The palsy, and pick-locks! Fye, how she belches The spirit of garlic!

Old Wom. Where's your gentlewoman?
The young fair woman?

Per. What's that to my question?
She is my wife, and gone about my business.
Maid. Is she your wife, sir?

Per. Yes, sir: is that a wonder?
Is the name of wife unknown here?

Old Wom. Is she duly and truly your wife? Per. Duly and truly my wife! I think so, For I married her. It was no vision, sure! Maid. She has the keys, sir.

Per. I know she has; but who has all my goods, spirit?

Old Wom. If you be married to that gentle

woman,

You are a wretched man: she has twenty husbands.

Maid. She tells you true.

Old Wom. And she has cozened all, sir.

Per. The devil she has! I had a fair house with her,

duke of Medina.

Caca. Let the king dine there!

He owes me money, and so far's my creature, And certainly I may make bold with mine own,

Old Wom. You're cozened too; 'tis none of her's, good gentleman,

It is a lady's.

Maid. The lady Margaritta; she was her ser

vant,

And kept the house; but going from her, sir,
For some lewd tricks she played.

Per. Plague o' the devil!

Am I, in the full meridian of my wisdom,
Cheated by a stale quean! What kind of lady
Is that that owns the house?

Old Wom. A young sweet lady.
Per. Of low stature?

Old Wom. She's indeed but little, but she's wondrous fair.

Per. I feel I'm cozened:
Now I am sensible I am undone.
This is the very woman sure, that cousin,
She told me would entreat but for four days
To make the house hers-I am entreated sweetly.
Maid. When she went out this morning, I saw,
sir,

She had two women at the door attending,
And there she gave them things, and loaded
them :
But what they were-

-I heard your trunks too

Per. They were mine while they were laden; But now they've cast their calves, they're not worth owning,

Was she her mistress, say you?

Old Wom. Her own mistress, her very mistress, sir; and all you saw About and in that house was hers.

Per. No plate, no jewels, nor no hangings?
Maid. Not a farthing; she's poor, sir, a poor
shifting thing.
Per. No money?

Old Wom. Abominable poor, as poor as we are,
Money as rare to her, unless she steal it.
But for one single gown her lady gave her,
She might go bare, good gentlewoman.

Per. I'm mad now:

I think I am as poor as she, I'm wild else.
One single suit I have left too, and that's all,
And if she steals that she must flay me for it.
Where does she use?

Old Wom. You may find the truth as soon. Alas, a thousand concealed corners, sir, she lurks in;

And here she gets a fleece, and there another, And lives in mists and smokes where none can find her.

Per. Is she a whore too?

Old Wom. Little better, gentleman: I dare not say she is so, sir, because She's yours, sir: these five years she has firked A pretty living.

Per. She has firked me finely.

A whore and thief; two excellent moral learnings

In one she saint. I hope to see her legend.
Have I been feared for my discoveries,
And been courted by all women to conceal them;
Have I so long studied the art of this sex,
And read the warning to young gentlemen;
Have I professed to tame the pride of ladies,
And make them bear all tests; and am I tricked
now?

Caught in my own noose? Here's a rial left yet; There's for your lodging, and your meat for a week;

A silk-worm lives at a more plentiful ordinary,
And sleeps in a sweeter box.
Farewell, great grandmother;

If I do find you were an accessary,

'Tis but the cutting off two smoaking minutes! I'll hang ye presently.

Old Wom. And I deserve it-I tell you truth, Per. Not I, I am an ass, mother.

Old Wom. O the rogue, the villain! Is this usage for the fair sex.

[Exeunt.

SCENE V.-A grand apartment. Enter the DUKE OF MEDINA, JUAN DE CASTRO, ALONZO, SANCHIO, CACAFOGO, and Attendants. Duke. A goodly house.

Juan. And richly furnished too, sir.

Alon. Hung wantonly; I like that preparation; It stirs the blood into a hopeful banquet, And intimates the mistress free and jovial;

I love a house, where pleasure prepares wel

come.

Duke. Now, Cacafogo, how like you this mansion?

'Twere a brave pawn.

Caca. I shall be master of it;

'Twas built for my bulk, the rooms are wide and spacious,

Airy, and full of ease, and that I love well.
I'll tell you, when I taste the wine, my lord,
And take the height of her table with my sto-
mach,

How my affection stands to the young lady.

Enter MARGARITTA, ALTEA, Ladies, and
Servant.

Mar. All welcome to your grace, and to these soldiers!

You honour my poor house with your fair pre

sence;

Those few slight pleasures, that inhabit here, sir, I do beseech your grace command; they're yours; Your servant but preserves them to delight ye.

Duke. I thank ye, lady. I am bold to visit ye, Once more to bless mine eyes with your sweet beauty.

It has been a long night, since you left the court, For, till I saw you now, no day broke to me. Mar, Bring in the duke's meat.

San. She's most excellent.

Juan. Most admirablę fair, as e'er I looked on; I rather would command her than my regiment. Caca. I'll have a fling; 'tis but a thousand ducats,

Which I can cozen up in ten days.

Enter LEON.

Mar. Why, where's this dinner?
Leon. Tis not ready, madam,

Nor shall.it be, until I know the guests too,
Nor are they fairly welcome till I bid them.
Juan. Is not this my Alferes? he looks another
thing;

Are miracles a-foot again?

Mar. Why, sirrah; why, sirrah, you!

Leon. I hear you, saucy woman;

And, as you are my wife, command your ab

sence,

And know your duty; 'tis the crown of modesty. Duke. Your wife!

Leon. Yes, good my lord, I am her husband, And, pray, take notice, that I claim that honour, And will maintain it.

Caca. If thou be'st her husband,

I am determined thou shalt be my cuckold;
I'll be thy faithful friend.

Leon. Peace, dirt and dunghill!

I will not lose my anger on a rascal.
Provoke me more, I'll beat thy blown-up body,
Till thou rebound'st again like a tennis-ball.

Caca. I'll talk with you another time. [Exit.
Alon, This is miraculous!

San. Is this the fellow

That had the patience to become a fool,
A fluttered fool, and, on a sudden, break,
As if he would shew a wonder to the world,
Both in bravery and fortune too?

I am astonished!

Mar. I'll be divorced immediately.
Leon. You shall not.

You shall not have so much will to be wicked.

I am more tender of your honour, lady.
You took me for a shadow,

You took me to gloss over your discredit,
To be your fool.

You had thought you had found a coxcomb.
I'm infocent of any foul dishonour I mean to ye;
Only I will be known to be your lord now,
And be a fair one, too, or I will fall for it.

Mar. I do command ye from me, thou poor fellow,

Thou cozened fool!

Leon. Thou cozened fool!

I will not be commanded: I'm above ye.
You may divorce me from your favour, lady,
But from your 'state you never shall. I'll hold
that,

And hold it to my use; the law allows it.
And then maintain your wantonness, I'll wink
at it.

Mar. Am I braved thus in mine own house?
Leon. 'Tis mine, madam!

You are deceived, I'm lord of it, I rule it,
And all that's in it; you've nothing to do here,
madam,

But as a servant to sweep clean the lodgings,
And at my farther will to do me service;

And so I'll keep it.

Mar. Tis well.

Leon. It shall be better.

Mar. As you love me, give way.

Leon. I will give none, madam;

I stand upon the ground of my own honour,
And will maintain it; you shall know me now
To be an understanding, feeling man,
And sensible of what a woman aims at;
A young proud woman, that has will to sail with;
A wanton woman, that her blood provokes too.
I cast my cloud off, and appear myself,
The master of this little piece of mischief,
And I will put a spell about your feet, lady;
They shall not wander, but where I give way

Juan. Brave! a strange conversion; thou shalt lead In chief now.

Duke. Is there no difference betwixt her and

you, sir?

Leon. Not now, my lord; my fortune makes me even,

And, as I am an honest man, I'm nobler.
Mar. Get me my coach.

Leon. Let me see who dares get it,

Till I command; I'll make him draw your coach,
And eat your coach too (which will be hard diet),
That executes your will; or, take your coach,
lady;

I give you liberty; and take your people,
Which I turn off; and take your will abroad with

She would even now swoon, if she could not cry, Else they were excellent, and I should grieve, too;

But falling thus, they shew nor sweet nor orient.
Put up, my lord! this is oppression,

And calls the sword of justice to relieve me,
The law to lend her hand, the king to right ine;
All which shall understand how you provoke me.
In mine own house to brave me, is this princely?
Then to my guard; and if I spare your grace,
And do not make this place your monument,
Too rich a tomb for such a rude behaviour,
Mercy forsake me!

[Draws.

I have a cause will kill a thousand of ye.
Juan. Hold, fair sir, I beseech ye!
The gentleman but pleads his own right nobly.
Leon. He, that dares strike against the hus-

band's freedom,

The husband's curse stick to him, a tamed cuc

kold!

His wife be fair and young; but most dishonest,
Most impudent, and he have no feeling of it,
No conscience to reclaim her from a monster;
Let her lie by him like a flattering ruin,
And, at one instant, kill both name and honour:
Let him be lost, no eye to weep his end,
And find no earth, that's base enough to bury him!
Now, sir, fall on, I'm ready to oppose ye.

Duke. I've better thought. I pray, sir, use your wife well.

Leon. Mine own humanity will teach me that, sir.

And now, you're welcome all, and we'll to dinner; This is my wedding-day.

Duke. I'll cross your joy yet.

Enter PEREZ.

Per. 'Save ye, which is the lady of the house? Leon. That's she, sir, that good-natured pretty lady,

If you'd speak with her.

Juan. Don Michael!

Per. I saw her later-would the devil had had her!

It is all true, I find; a wild-fire take her!
Juan. Is thy wife with child, Don Michael?
Thy excellent wife.

Art thou a man yet?

Alon. When shall we come and visit thee? San. And eat some rare fruit? Thou hast admirable orchards.

Per. Was she a maid do you think?
Mar. I dare not swear for her;
For she had but a scant fame.

Per. Was she your kinswoman?
Mar. Not that I ever knew; now I look better,
I think you married her; give you much joy, sir.
Per. Give me a halter.

Mar. You may reclaim her; 'twas a wild young girl.

Per. Is not this house mine, madam?
Was not she owner of it? Pray, speak truly.
Mar. No, certainly, I'm sure my money paid
for it,

And ne'er remember yet I gave
it you,
sir.
Per. The hangings and the plate, too?
Mar. All are mine, sir,

And every thing you see about the building;
She only kept my house, when I was absent;
And so I'll keep it, I was weary of her.

Per. Where is your maid?

Mar. Do you not know, that have her?

SCENE I-A street.

Enter PEREZ.

How scornfully you look!

Per. Prithee leave fooling.

I'm in no humour now to fool and prattle, Did she ne'er play the wag with you?

Mar. Yes, many times,

So often that I was ashamed to keep her.
But I forgave her, sir, in hopes she'd mend still;
And had not you o' the instant married her,
I'd put her off.

Per. I thank ye; I am blest still;
Which way soe'er I turn I'm a made man.
Miserably gulled beyond recovery.

Juan. You'll stay and dine?

Per. Certain I cannot, captain. Hark in thine ear, I am the arrantest puppy, The miserablest ass! But I must leave ye. I am in haste, in haste. Bless you, good madam, And may you prove as good as my wife! Leon. What then, sir?

Per. No matter, if the devil had one to fetch the other. [Exit PEREZ

Leon. Will you walk in, sir? will your grace

but honour me,

And taste our dinner? You are nobly welcome. All anger's past, I hope, and I shall serve ye.

[Exeunt,

I'm glad I have found ye; for, in truth, I am

weary,

Weary and lame with looking out your lordship.
Per. I have been in bawdy houses

Estif. I believe you, and very lately, too.
Per. 'Pray ye, pardon me;

To seek your ladyship, I have been in cellars,
In private cellars, where the thirsty bawds
Hear your confessions; I have been at plays,
To look you out among the youthful actors;
At puppet-shows, you are mistress of the mo-
tions;

At last, I went to church to seek you out;
'Tis so long since you were there, they have for-
got you.

Estif. You had a pretty progress; I'll tell

mine now.

To look you out, I went to twenty taverns

Per. And are you sober?

Estif. Yes, I recl not yet, sir;

1