The British Drama: Comedies. 2 v

SCENE II-A Street.

Enter PEREZ.

Per: Had I but lungs enough to bawl sufficiently,

That all the queans in Christendom might hear

me,

That men might run away from the contagion,
I had my wish. Would it were made high treason,
Most infinite high, for any man to marry;
I mean, for a man, that would live handsomely,
And like a gentleman, in's wits and credit.
What torments shall I put her to?

Cut her in pieces, every piece will live still,
And every morsel of her will do mischief.

They have so many lives, there's no hanging of them.

They are too light to drown, they're cork and feathers;

To burn too cold, they live like salamanders:
Under huge heaps of stones to bury her,
And so depress her as they did the giants?
She will move under more than built old Babel.
I must destroy her.

Enter CACAFOGO, with a casket.

Caca. Be cozened by a thing of clouts! a she moth,

That every silkman's shop breeds! To be cheated, And of a thousand ducats, by a whim-wham!

Per. Who is he, that's cheated? Speak again, thou vision!

But art thou cheated? Minister some comfort. Tell me, I conjure thee, art thou cheated bravely?

Come, prithee come; art thou so pure a coxcomb,

To be undone? Do not dissemble with me.
Caca. Then keep thy circle:

For I'm a spirit wild, that flies about thee;
And, whosoe'er thou art, if thou be'st human,
I'd let thee plainly know, I'm cheated damnably.
Per. Ha, ha, ha!

Caca. Dost thou laugh? Damnably, I say, most damnably.

Per. By whom, good spirit? Speak, speak! Ha, ha, ha!

Caca. I'll utter; laugh till thy lungs crack; by a rascal woman!

A lewd, abominable, and plain woman!
Dost thou laugh still?

Per. I must laugh; prithee pardon me,

I shall laugh terribly.

Caca. I shall be angry, Terribly angry; I have cause. Per. That's it;

And 'tis no reason but thou shouldst be angry, Angry at heart; yet I must laugh still at thee. By a woman cheated! Art sure it was a woman? Caca. I shall break thy head; my valour itches at thee.

Per. It is no matter. By a woman cozened, A real woman!

Caca. By a real devil.

Plague of her jewels, and her copper chains,
How rank they swell!

Per. Sweet, cozened sir, let's see them.

I have been cheated, too; I would have you note that;

And lewdly cheated, by a woman also,
A scurvy woman. I am undone, sweet sir;
Therefore, I must have leave to laugh.

Caca. Pray ye, take it;

You are the merriest undone man in Europe. What need we fiddles, bawdy songs, and sherry, When our own miseries can make us merry? Per. Ha, ha, ha!

I've seen these jewels: what a notable pennyworth

Have you had! You will not take, sir,
Some twenty ducats-

Caca. Thou'rt deceived; I will take-
Per. To clear your bargain, now.
Caca. I'll take some ten,

Some any thing, some half ten, half a ducat.
Per. An excellent lapidary set these stones,

sure:

D'ye mark their waters?

Caca. Quicksands choak their waters,

And her's that brought them, too! but I shall find her.

Per. And so shall I, I hope: but do not hurt

her.

If you had need of cozening, as you may have, (For such gross natures will desire it often; 'Tis, at sometimes too, a fine variety) You cannot find, in all this kingdom, A woman, that can cozen ye so neatly. She has taken half mine anger off with this trick.

[Exit. Caca. If I were valiant now, I'd kill this fellow.

I've money enough lies by me, at a pinch,
To pay for twenty rascals' lives, that vex me.
I'll to this lady; there I shall be satisfied.

SCENE III-A street.

[Exit.

Estif. No, no, sir, you shall feel.

[Exit Servant. Leon. How! slain? Why, Margaritta,

Per. Hold, hold, ye villain! what, would you Wife, sure some new device they have afoot again, Kill

your own husband?

Estif. Let mine own husband, then,

Be in his own wits. There, there's a thousand ducats.

Who must provide for you? And yet you'll kill me! Per. I will not hurt thee for ten thousand

millions.

Some trick upon my credit; I shall meet it.
I'd rather guide a ship imperial,

Alone, and in a storm, than rule one woman.
Enter DUKE, SANCHIO, ALONZO, aud Servant.
Mar. How came you hurt, sir?

Duke. I fell out with my friend, the noble colonel.

My cause was naught, for 'twas about your hon

our;

And he, that wrongs the innocent, ne'er prospers,
And he has left me thus; for charity,
Lend me a bed to ease my tortured body,
That, ere I perish, I may shew my penitence,
I fear I'm slain.

Leon. Help, gentlemen, to carry him.
There shall be nothing in this house, my lord,
But as your own.

Duke. I thank ye, noble sir.

Leon. To bed with him; and, wife, give your attendance.

[Exeunt DUKE, SANCHIO, ALONZO, MARGARITTA, and servant.

If you have more hurt dukes, or gentlemen,
To lie here on your cure, I shall be desperate.
I know the trick, and you shall feel I know it;
Are ye so hot, that no hedge can contain ye?

I'll have thee let blood in all the veins about SCENE V.-A chamber. Duke discovered in a

thee;

I'll have thy thoughts found, too, and have them

opened,

Thy spirits purged, for those are they that fire ye. The maid shall be thy mistress, thou the maid, And all her servile labours thou shalt reach at, And go through cheerfully, or else sleep empty : That maid shall lie by me, to teach you duty; You in a pallet by, to humble ye,

And grieve for what you lose, thou foolish, wicked woman.

Mar. I've lost myself, sir,

And all that was my base self, disobedience : [Kneels. My wantonness, my stubbornness, I've lost too. And now, by that pure good faith good wives are crowned with,

Mar. As low in blood, you mean:
Dishonest thoughts debase the greatest birth;
The man, that acts unworthily, though ennobled,
Sullies his honour.

Duke. Nay, nay, my Margaritta;

Come to my couch, and there let's lisp love's language.

Mar. Would you take that, which I've no right
to give?

Steal wedlock's property; and, in his house,
Beneath the roof of him, that entertains you,
Would you his wife betray? Will you become
The ungrateful viper, who, restored to life,
Venomed the breast, which saved him?

Duke. Leave these dull thoughts to mortifying

penance;

Let us, while love is lusty, prove its power.
Mar. Ill wishes, once, my lord, my mind de-
based :

You found my weakness, wanted to ensnare it:
Shameful I own my fault, but 'tis repented.
No more the wanton Margaritta now,

But the chaste wife of Leon. His great merit,
His manly tenderness, his noble nature,
Commands from ine affection in return,
Pure as esteem can offer. He has won me;
I owe him all my heart.

Duke. Indeed, fair lady,

This jesting well becomes a sprightly beauty.
Love prompts to celebrate sublimer rights.
No more memento's; let me press you to me,
And stifle with my kisses-

Mar. Nay, then, within, there!

Enter LEON, JUAN, ALONZO, and SANCHIO.

Leon. Did you call, my wife? or you, my
lord?

Was it your grace that wanted me? No answer!
How do you, my good lord? What, out of bed!
Methinks you look but poorly on this matter.
Has my wife wounded you? You were well be-
fore.

Duke. More hurt than ever; spare your re-
proach;

I feel too much already.

Caca. Where is my bona roba? Oh, you're all here. Why, I dont fear snap dragons--impotential, powerfully potioned-I can drink with Hector, and beat him, too. Then, what care I for captains! I'm full of Greek wine; the true, antient courage. Sweet Mrs Margaritta, let me kiss thee-your Lisses shall pay me for his kicking.

Leon. What would you?
Cuca. Sir!

Leon. Lead off the wretch.
Duke. Most filthy figure, truly.

Caca. Filthy! Oh, you're a prince; yet I can
buy all of you, your wives and all.
Juan. Sleep, and be silent.

Caca. Speak you to your creditors, good captain half-pay;

I'll not take thy pawn in.

Leon. Which of the butts is thy mistress?
Caca. Butt in thy belly.

Leon. There are two in thine, I'm sure, it is

grown so monstrous,

Caca. Butt in thy face.

Leon. Go, carry him to sleep; [Exit CAÇA.
When he is sober, let him out to rail,
Or hang himself; there will be no loss of him.
Enter PEREZ and ESTIFANIA.

Who's this? my Mahound cousin?

Per. Good sir, 'tis very good: would I had a
house, too,

For there's no talking in the open air.
You have a pretty seat, you have the luck on't,

Leon. I see it, sir-and now your grace shall A pretty lady, too, I have missed both;

know,

I can as readily pardon as revenge.

Be comforted; all is forgotten.

Duke. I thank you, sir.

Leon. Wife, you are a right one;

And now, with unknown nations, I dare trust ye.
Juan. No more feigned fights, my lord; they

never prosper.

My carpenter built in a mist, I thank him.
Do me the courtesy to let me see it,
See it once more. But I shall cry for anger.
I'll hire a chandler's shop close under ye,
And, for my foolery, sell soap and whip-cord.
Nay, if you do not laugh now, and laugh hear-
tily,

Thou art a valiant man, and thou shalt never | I have two ties, mine own blood, and my mistress.

want.

Will this content thee?

Per. I'll cry, and then be thankful; Indeed I will, and I'll be honest to ye; I'd live a swallow here, I must confess, Wife, I forgive thee all, if thou be honest, And, at thy peril, I believe thee excellent. Estif. If I prove otherwise, let me beg first. Mar. Hold, this is yours, some recompense for service;

Use it to nobler ends than he, that gave it. Duke. And this is yours, your true commission, sir.

Now you're a captain.

Leon. You're a noble prince, sir;

And now a soldier.

Juan. Sir, I shall wait upon you through all fortunes.

Alon. And I.

Alt. And I must needs attend my mistress. Leon. Will you go, sister?

Alt. Yes, indeed, good brother,

Mar. Is she your sister?

Leon. Yes, indeed, good wife,

And my best sister; for she proved so, wench, When she deceived you with a loving husband. Alt. I would not deal so, truly, for a stranger. Mar. Well, I could chide ye, but it must be lovingly,

And like a sister.

I'll bring you on your way, and feast ye nobly, For now I have an honest heart to love ye, And then deliver you to the blue Neptune.

Juan. Your colours you must wear, and wear them proudly,

Wear them before the bullet, and in blood, too. And all the world shall know we're virtue's servants.

Duke. And all the world shall know, a noble mind

Makes women beautiful, and envy blind.

Leon. All you who mean to lead a happy life, First learn to rule, and then to have a wife. [Exeunt omnes.

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