SCENE I.-A dressing room. ACT II. Enter OLIVIA, ELIZA, and LETTICE. Oliv. OH! horrid, abominable! Peace, cousin Eliza, or your discourse will be my aversion-But you cannot be in earnest, sure, when you say you like the filthy world! Eliz. You cannot be in earnest, sure, when you say you dislike it? Come, come, cousin Olivia, I will never believe, that a place, which has such a variety of charms for other women, should have none for you! Pray, what do you think of dressing and fine clothes? : Oliv. Dressing! it is, of all things, my aversion: I hate dressing and I declare solemnlyMercy on us! Come hither, you dowdy- -Heavens! what a figure you have made of my head to-day!-Oh, hideous! I can't bear it! Did you ever see any thing so frightful? Eliz. Well enough, cousin, if dressing be your aversion. Oliv. It is so; and for variety of rich clothes, they are more my aversion. Lett. That's because you wear them too long, Madam. Oliv. Insatiable creature! I take my death I have not wore this gown above three times; and I have made up six or seven more within these two months. Eliz. Then your aversion to them is not altogether so great. Oliv. Alas! cousin, it is for my woman I wear them. Eliz. But what do you think of visits-balls? Olio. Oh! I detest them! Eliz. Well, but prithee Oliv. Nay, don't attempt to defend the court; for, if you do, you will make me rail against it. Eliz. To come nearer to the point, thenpray, what think you of a rich young husband?Oliv. Oh, rueful! marriage! What a pleasure you have found out! I nauseate the very thoughts of it. Lett. Mayhap, ma'am, my lady would rather like a generous, handsome, young lover! Oliv. What do mean, Mrs Impertinence, by talking such stuff in my hearing? A handsome young lover! A lover, indeed! I hate men of all things; and I declare solemnly I would not let one into my doors. Enter FOOTBOY. Boy. Madam, here's the gentleman to wait on you. Oliv. On me, you little blockhead! Do you know what you say y? Boy. Yes, ma'am, 'tis the gentleman, that comes every day to you. Oliv. Hold your tongue, you little heedless animal, and get out of the room. This country boy, cousin, takes my music-master, mercer, and spruce milliner, for visitors. [NOVEL speaks within. Lett. No, madam, 'tis Mr Novel, I am sure, by his talking so loud; I know his voice, too, madam. Oliv. You know nothing, you stupid creature! You would make my cousin believe I receive visits However, if it be your Mr. Lett. Mr Novel, madam Oliv. Peace, will you! I'll hear no more of him-But if it be your Mr.I cannot think of his name again-I supposed he followed my cousin hither. Eliz. No, cousin, I will not rob you of the honour of the visit; it is to you, cousin, for I know him not. Oliv. Nor I neither, upon my honour, cousin! Besides, have not I told you that visits, and the business of visits, flattery and detraction, are my aversion? Do you then think I would admit such a coxcomb as he; the scandal-carrier of the whole town! more impudently scurrilous than a party libeller, who abuses every person and every thing, and piques himself upon his talents for ridicule ! Eliz. I find you know him, cousin; at least have heard of him. Oliv, Yes, now I remember, Ihave heard of him. Eliz. Well, but if he is such a dangerous coxcomb, for heaven's sake let him not come up! tell him, Mrs Lettice, your lady is not at home. Oliv. No, Lettice, tell him my cousin is here, and that he may come up: for, notwithstanding I detest the sight of him, you may like his conversation; and I will not be rude to you in my own house. Since he has followed you hither, let him come up, I say. Eliz. Very fine! Let him go and be hanged, I say, for me! I know him not, nor desire it.— Send him away, Mrs Lettice. [Exit LETTICE. Oliv. Upon my word, she shall not; I must disobey your commands, to comply with your desires. Mr Novel! Mr Novel! Enter NOVEL. Nov. I beg ten thousand pardons, madam ! perhaps you are busy; I did not know you had company. Eliz. Yet he comes to me, cousin. Nov. I should have waited on you yesterday evening, according to appointment; but I dined at a place, where there is always such a profusion of good cheer, and so hearty a welcome, that one can never get away, while one has either appetite or patience left-You know that surfeiting piece of hospitality, lady Autumn? Ha, ha, ha! the nauseous old fury at the upper end of her table Oliv. Revives the ancient Grecian custom of serving up a death's head with their banquets! Ob, God! I detest her hollow cherry cheeks! She looks like an old coach new painted, affecting an unseemly smugness, while she is ready to drop in pieces. Nov. Excellent and admirable simile upon my soul! But do, madam, give me leave to paint her out to you a little, because I am intimately acquainted with the family. You must know she is horridly angry, if I don't dine at her house three times a-week. Oliv. Nay, for that matter, any one is welcome to partake of her victuals, who will be content to listen to her stories of herself, when she was a young woman, and used to go with her fat Flanders mares, in her father's great gilt chariot, to take the air in Hyde Park. Oh, cousin! I must tell you——— Nov. What, Madam! I thought I was going to tell the lady; but, perhaps, you think nobody has wit enough to draw characters but yourself; in which case, I have done. Oliv. Nay, I swear, you shall tell us who you had there at dinner. Nov. With all my heart, condescend to listen to me. madam, if you will Oliv. Most patiently, sir: pray speak. Nov. In the first place, then, we had her daughter, whom, I suppose, you have seen. Oliv. Seen! oh, I see her now! the very disgrace to good clothes, which she always wears to heighten her deformity, not mend it; for she is still most splendidly, gallantly ugly! and looks like an ill piece of daubing in a rich frame. Nov. Very well, madam! Have you done with her? And can you spare her a little to me? Oliv. If you please, sir. Nov. In my opinion, she is like Olio. She is, you would observe, like a great Oliv. I draw from the life, cousin; paint every one in their proper colours. Eliz. Oh! cousin, I perceive you hate detrac tion! Oliv. But, Mr Novel, who had you besides at dinner? Nov. Ladies, I wish you a good morning! Oliv. 'Psha! how can you be so provoking? Nay, I take my death you shall not go, till you tell us the rest of the company! [Stopping NOVEL] who rises.] Come, sit down again: I long to hear who your men were; for I am sure I am acquainted with some of them. Nov. We had no men there at all, madam. Oliv. What! was not sir Marmaduke Gimcrack with you? I'll lay fifty pounds on it! for I know he is courting one of her ladyship's crooked nieces. Nov. Pray, ma'am, let me go.. Oliv. Nay, I know another of your company, I hold you a wager of it. Come, my lord Plausible dined with you, too, who is, cousin Eliz. You need not tell me what he is, cousin; for I know him to be a civil, good-natured gentleman, who talks well of all the world, and is never out of humour. Oliv. Hold, cousin! I hate detraction: but I must tell you he is a tiresome, insipid coxcomb, without either sense to see faults, or wit to expose them; in fine, he is of all things my aversion, and I never admit his visits beyond my hall. Nov. No! he visit you! damn him! he's ne ver admitted to any one but worn-out dowagers, and superannuated maidens, who want to be flattered into conceit with themselves; he has often strove to scrape acquaintance with me, but I always took care— Enter LORD PLAUSIBLE. Ha! my dear, my dear lord! let me embrace you. Eliz. Well, this is pleasant! L. Plau, Your most faithful, humble servant, generous Mr Novel; and, madam, I am your eternal slave, and kiss your fair hands, which I had done sooner, according to your orders Oliv. No excuses, my lord, I know you must divide yourself; your company is too general a city bride; the greater fortune, but not the great-good to be engrossed by any particular friend. er beauty, for her dress. Nov. Yet have you done, madam ? Oliv. Pray, sir, proceed. Nov. Then, she Oliv. I was just going to say so-sheEliz. I find, cousin, one may have a collection of all one's acquaintance's pictures at your house, as well as at sir Joshua Reynolds's, with this difference only, that his are handsome likenesses; to say the truth, you are the first of the profession of portrait-painters I ever knew without flattery. VOL. II. ' Eliz. You hate flattery, cousin! L. Plau. Oh lord, madam! my company! your most obliged, faithful, humble servant! But I might have brought you good company, indeed; for I parted just now at your door with two of the most sensible, worthy men Oliv. Who are they, my lord? Nov. Who do you call the most sensible, worthy men? L. Plau. Oh, sir, two of the brightest characters of the present age; men of such honour and T virtue. Perhaps, you may know them-Count Levant, and sir Richard Court-Title. Nov. Court-Title! ha! ha! ha! Oliv. And count Levant! How can you keep such a wretch company, my lord? L. Plau. Oh seriously, madam, you are too severe he is highly carest by every body. Oliv. Carest, my lord! why he was never three times in company in his life, without being twice kicked out of it. Nov. And for sir Richard! L. Plau. He is nice in his connections, and loves to chuse those he converses with. Oliv. He loves a lord, indeed Nov. Or any thing with a title Oliv. Though he borrows his money, and ne MANLY and footboy speak within. Man. Not at home! Not see me! I tell you she is at home, and she will see me- -let her know my name is Manly. Boy. Well, but your honour, my lady's sick, Į dare not go to her. Man. Well, then, I'll go to her. Boy. Help, Mrs Lettice! help! here's the sea gentleman! Oliv. What noise is that? Enter MANLY. Man. My Olivia! 'Sdeath, what do I see! In close conversation with these! Oliv. Ha, Manly! this is somewhat unexpect [Aside. ver pays him again. Nay, he carries his passioned: however, I am prepared for him. L. Plau. Most noble and heroic captain, your most obliged, faithful, very humble L. Plau. Oh, madam, he frequents her house because it is the tabernacle-gallant, the meeting-house for all the fine ladies and people of fashion about town. Nov. Mighty fine ladies! There is first- Nov. Then there's Miss what dye call herOliv. As sluttish and slatternly as an Irish woman bred in France. L. Plau. She has a prodigious fund of wit; and the handsomest heel, elbow, and tip of an ear, you ever saw. Nov. Heel and elbow! Ha, ha, ha! Eliz. I find you see all faults with lover's eyes, my lord! L. Plau. Oh, Madam, your most obliged, faithful, very humble servant, to command! Nov. Pray, my lord, are you acquainted with lady Sarah Dawdle? L. Plau. Yes, sure, sir, very well, and extremely proud I am of the great honour; for she is a person whose wit, beauty, and conduct, nobody can call in question. Oliv. No! Nov. No! pray, madam, let me speak. L. Plau. Her eyes languish a little, I own. Eliz. Well, this is to be borne no longer: cousin, I have some visits to make this morning, and will take my leave. Oliv. You will not, sure! nay, you shall not venture my reputation, by leaving me with two men here. You'll disoblige me for ever Eliz. If I stay! your servant. | Nov. Captain Manly, your servant. Oliv. Sir! Man. It seems, madam, as if I was an unwelcome guest here: your footboy would hardly allow me admittance; at first he told me you were not at home. Indeed, I did not expect to find you in such good company. Oliv. I suppose, sir, my servant had orders for what he did. L. Plau. Perhaps, madam, Mr Novel and I incommode you; the captain and you may have something to say, so we'll retire. Oliv. Upon my honour, my lord, you shan't stir; the captain and I have nothing to say to one another, assure yourself, nor ever shall: 'tis only one of his mad freaks, for which you will make allowances; salt-water lovers, you know, will be boisterous now and then. Man. Confusion! Nov. We shall have a quarrel here presently: I see she's going to use him damnably. Man. What am I to think of this behaviour, Madam? Oliv. Even what you please, good captain. Man. And is this the reception I meet with after an absence Oliv. And is this behaving like a gentleman, to force into a lady's apartment contrary to her inclinations? I suppose it is Wapping breeding: however, you are fitted for your ill manners. Man. I am fitted for believing you could not be fickle, though you were young; could not dissemble love, though it was for your interest; nor be vain, though you were handsome; nor break your promise, though to a parting lover. But I take not your contempt of me worse than your keeping company with and encouraging these things here. Nov. Things! L. Plau. Let the captain rally a little. [Exit. thing? lery. Nov. No, since my lord says you speak in rail- | Swagger-huff! and be saucy with your mistress, like a true captain; but be civil to your rivals and betters; and do not threaten any thing but me here; no, not so much as my windows: do not think yourself in the lodgings of one of your suburb mistresses beyond the tower. Man. And pray, madam, let me ask you, what is it you find about them to entertain you? For example, this spark here: is it the merit of his fashionable impudence, the briskness of his noise, the wit of his laugh, or his judgment and fancy in his solitaire, that engages your esteem? Nov. Very well, sir! Egad, these captains of ships Man. Then, for this gentle piece of tame courtesy Oliv. Good, jealous captain, no more of your L. Plau. No, madam, let him go on; for, perhaps, he may make you laugh; and I would contribute to your pleasure any way. Man. Obliging coxcomb! Oliv. No, noble captain, you cannot think any thing would tempt me more than that heroic title of yours, captain! for you know we women love honour inordinately. Nov. Ha, ha, ha! I cannot hold; I must laugh at you, faith, Mr Manly! L. Plau. And i'faith, dear captain, I beg your pardon, and leave to laugh at you, too; though I protest I mean you no hurt Man. Peace, you buffoons! And be not you vain, that these laugh on your side; for they will laugh at their own dull jests: but no more of them; for I will only now suffer this lady to be witty. Óliv. You would not have your panegyric interrupted! I go on, then, to your honour. Is there any thing more agreeable than the pretty oddity of that? Then the greatness of your courage! which most of all appears in your spirit of contradiction: for you dare give all mankind the lye; and your opinion is your only mistress; for you renounce that, too, when it becomes another man's. L. Plau. Ha, ha, ha! Man. Why, you impudent, pitiful wretches! You presume, sure, upon your effeminacy, to urge me; for you are all things so like women, it might be thought cowardice to chastise you. Oliv. No hectoring, good captain! Man. Or, perhaps, you think this lady's presence secures you; but have a care; she hath talked herself out of all the respect I had for her; and, by using me ill before you, hath given me a privilege of using you so before her-therefore, begone immediately! Nov. Begone! what! L. Plau. Nay, worthy, noble, generous captain! Man. Begone, I say! Nov. Well, Madam, we'll step into the next room; you will not stay long with him I suppose. Fal, lal! [Exeunt LORD PLAUSIBLE and NOVEL. Oliv. Turn hither your rage, good captain Man. Do not you give me the cause to think so! for those less infamous women part with their lovers, just as you did from me, with unforced vows of constancy, and floods of willing tears; but the same winds bear away their lovers and their vows; and for their griefs, if the credulous, unexpected fools return, they find new comforters, such as I found here; the mercenary love of these women, too, suffers shipwreck with their lovers' fortune: you have heard, that chance has used me indifferently, and you do so too. Well, persevere in your ingratitude, falsehood, and disdain; be constant in something; and I promise to be as just to your real scorn, as I was to your feigned love; and henceforward despise, loath, and detest most faithfully. Oliv. I'll wait upon you again in a minute. Enter FIDELIA and FREEMAN. Free. How now, captain! you [Exit. Man. Pray keep out of my way; dont speak to me. Fide. Dear sir, what's the matter? Man. Blockhead! Oh, Freeman! I have been so cheated, so abused, by this perfidious Free. Nay, sir, you need not tell us, for we have been for some time within hearing in the next room. But now, I hope, you will act as becomes you. Man. I hope so, too. Fide. Do you but hope it, sir? Man. She has restored my reason with my heart. Free. But there are other things, captain, which, next to a man's heart, he would not part with, and, methinks, she ought to restore, too; I mean your money and jewels, sir; which, I understand, she has. Man. What's that to you, sir? Free. Pardon me; whatever belongs to you, I have a share in, I am sure, which I will not lose for want of asking; though you may be too generous, or too angry, now, to do it yourself. Fide. Nay, then I'll make bold, tooMan. Hold, you impertinent, officious-how have I been deceived! Enter OLIVIA. Free. Madam, excuse this liberty-but we are captain Manly's friends, and have accidentally been witnesses to your disagreement. Oliv. And what am I to infer from thence, sir? appurtenances to a lover's heart, called jewels, which always go along with it. Fide. And with lovers, madam, have no value, but from the heart they come with our captain's, it seems, you scorn to keep; much more those worthless things without it, I am confident. to attack her—and, if you will take my advice, you'll stay too; if it be only to see this major Oldfox, her supernumerary 'squire, her occasional gentleman usher: he is a character, I assure you. Man. No; confound him, he is as bad as the cockatrice herself, whom I would avoid as a sinking ship, and the whole sex, for ever. [Exit with FIDELIA. Enter MRS BLACK ACRE, JERRY, and MAJOR OLDFOX. Oliv. I understand you, gentlemen. Captain, your young friend, here, has a very persuading face, I must confess; but you might have asked me yourself for those trifles you left with me, which-hark you a little-for I dare trust you with a secret, you are a man of so much honour I am sure-I say, then, considering the chance of war, the danger of the seas, and being in doubt whether you might ever return again, I have de-kind relation? livered your jewels and money to— Man. Whom? Oliv. My husband. Man. Your husband! Oliv. Aye, my husband. For, since you could leave me, I am lately and privately married to one, who is a man of so much honour and experience, that I dare not ask him for your things again, to restore them to you, lest he should conclude you never would have parted with them to me on any other score than the exchange of my virtue; which, rather than you would bring into suspicion Man. Triumphant impudence! Married! Oliv. There's no resisting one's destiny, or love, you know. Man. Damnation ! Mrs Black. 'Tis an arrant sea-ruffian! I thought he would have pushed us down, major. Jerry, where's my paper of memorandums? Give it me. So! where's my cousin Olivia, now-my Free. Here's one that would be your kind relation, madam. Mrs Black. Hey day! who is this wild rude fellow? Jer. Why, dont you know him? It's the man, that wanted to fall aboard you at Captain Manly's this morning. she Old. Pray be civil to the lady, Mr is a person of quality-a person, that is, no per son Free. Yes, but she is a person, that is, a widow. Be you civil to her; because you are to pretend only to be her 'squire, to arm her to her lawyer's chambers but I will be impudent and forward; for she must love and marry me. Mrs Black. Marry come up; you saucy, familiar puppy! Marry you! God forgive me! Oliv. Oh, dont swear! 'Tis true, my husband now-a-days, every idle young rascal, with a laced is now absent in the country; however, he re-waistcoat, and a bit of black ribbon in his hat, turns shortly; therefore I beg, for your own ease thinks to carry away any widow of the best deand quiet, and my reputation, you will never scegree. me more. Man. I wish I never had seen you! Oliv. You may perceive, by this, how great a dependance I have upon your friendship: I am sensible every man might not be talked to in the same manner; but your uncommon delicacy of thinking will, I am sure, feel for a person in my nice circumstances. Man. True, perfect woman! and if I could say any thing more injurious to you I wouldLeave me; go! lest I should be tempted to do something, which may hereafter make me think as meanly of myself, as I do now of you. Oliv. Šir, it is a maxim with me never to stay in any place, where my company is disagreeable: I obey you with all willingness-young gentleman, your servant. [Exit OLIVIA. Enter Footboy. Boy. Here are Madam Blackacre, and Major Oldfox, to wait on my lady. Man. Do you hear that? Let's be gone before he comes. Free. Excuse me; the widow is the very game I have in view; I wanted just such an opportunity Old. No, no, soft! you are a young man, and not fit; besides, others have laid in their claims before you. Free. Not you, I hope! Old. Why, not I, sir? Sure I am a much more proportionable match for her than you, sir; I, who am a person of rank and means in the world, and of equal years Mrs Black. How's that? you unmannerly-I would have you to know I was born in ann, secun Georgii prim▬▬▬ Old. Your pardon, madam, your pardon; be not offended-but I say, sir, you are a beggarly younger brother; twenty years younger than she; without any land or stock, but your great stock of impudence: therefore, what pretensions can you have to her? Mrs Black. And what pretensions have you, major? Go and solicit a brevet for Chelsea Hospital, you old mummy! Air yourself there under the cloisters; smoke your pipe, and make love to your laundress : you shall have a widow with three thousand pounds a year, you shall, you barbarous brute! Old. How, madam! |