Free. Ha, ha, ha! Jer. Well said, mother! use all suitors thus for my sake. you-a debauched, drunken, hectoring, lewd, gaming, spend-thrift. Jer. There's for you, bully-rock! Mrs Black. A worn-out rake at five-and-twen Mrs Black. A senseless, impertinent, quibbling, scribbling, feeble, paralytic, conceited, ri-ty, both in body and estate a cheating, lying, diculous, pretending, old bellweather! cozening, impudent fortune-hunter! and would patch up your own broken income with the ruins of my jointure. Jer. Hey! brave mother for calling names! Mrs Black. Would you make a caudle-maker, a nurse of me? Can't you be bed-rid without a Jer. Ay, and make havock of our estate perbed-fellow? Won't your swan-skins, furs, flan-sonal, and of all our gilt plate-I should soon be nels, and the scorched trencher, keep you warm picking up our silver-handled knives and forks, there? Would you make me your Scotch warm-spoons, mugs, and tankards, at most of the pawning pan, with a plague to you! brokers' between the Hercules pillars and the Jer. Ay, you old fobus, and you would be my boatswain at Wapping. And you would be scourguardian, would you? to take care of my estate, ing among my trees, and making them play at that half of it should never come to me, by let-loggerheads, would you? ting leases at pepper-corn rents? Mrs Black. I would have you to know, you Mrs Black. If I would have married an old pitiful, paltry, lath-backed fellow, if I would have man, it is well known I might have married an married a young man, it is well known I might earl. Nay, what's more, a judge, and been co-have had any young heir in Norfolk; nay, the vered the winter nights with the lamb-skins, which hopefullest young man this day at the King's I prefer to the ermines of nobles. And do you Bench bar! I, that am a relict, and executrix of think I would wrong my poor minor here, for known plentiful assets and parts, who understand you? myself and the law; and would you have me unFree. Your minor is a chopping minor; Header covert baron again? No, sir, no covert baven bless him! Old. Your minor may be a major of horse or foot for his bigness: and it seems you will have the cheating of your minor yourself. Mrs Black. Pray, sir, bear witness: cheat my minor! I'll bring my action of the case, for the slander. Free. Nay, I would bear false witness for you now, widow, since you have done me justice, and thought me the fitter man! Mrs Black. Fair and softly, sir! 'tis my minor's case more than my own: and now I must do him justice on you. And, first, you are, to my knowledge-for I am not unacquainted with SCENE I.—A view of St James's Park. ron for me. Free. Well; but, dear madam Mrs Black. Fie, fie! I neglect my business with this foolish discourse of love!-Jerry, child, let me see a list of the jury; I am sure my cousin Olivia must have some acquaintance among them: But where is she? Free. Will you not allow me one word, then? Mrs Black. No, no, sir; have done, pray. Old. Ay, pray, sir, have done, and don't be troublesome; since you see the lady has no occasion for you, though you are a younger brother. Ha, ha, ha! [Exeunt. ACT III. MANLY enters alone, musing. How irksome is restraint to a mind naturally averse to hypocrisy! Yet I, who used to give birth to my thoughts as freely as I conceived them; I, who was wont to speak without reserve to every body; am now endeavouring even to deceive myself. That ungrateful woman, in whom I placed such unlimited confidence! into whose keeping I had given my heart, my judgment, nay, my very senses! 'Sdeath! had a man treated me ill, resentment would at once have cancelled regard, and revenge have prevented vexation; but here, I am obliged to side with my enemy, and increase the injuries she hath done me, by loving her in spite of them. Enter FIDELIA. Fide. Sir, have I liberty to speak to you? Man. What would you say? You see this is no place to talk in; don't trouble me now. Fide. I shall not detain you long, sir; and you may bear to hear two or three words from me, though you do hate me, as you have often said. : Man. I must confess I hate a flatterer why will you not learn to be a man, and scorn that mean, that sneaking vice? Fide. Perhaps I am to blame, sir; but I do not come to offend you at present-I have something to tell you, if you will vouchsafe to listen to me. Who do you think I met on the other side of the park just now, sir? Man. Nay, how should I know? Prithee, kind impertinence, leave me. You are as hard to Man. What cause, child? Nothing makes me uneasy; a little involuntary thoughtfulness, that's all. But you say you met somebody in the park just now; who was it? Fide. Why, really, sir, on second thoughts, I don't know how to mention her name to you; but it was that creature, that wretch, that Man. That who? Who is it you are going to speak of now, that you preface your discourse with all this bitterness of invective? Fide. Why, sir, that monster of ingratitude, Olivia! Man. Olivia! Fide. Yes, sir. Man. Well, and how? Man. It concerns more than my life my ho nour. Fide. Doubt me not, sir. Man. And do not discover it by too much fear of discovering-Do ye mark?-But, above all things, take care, that Freeman find it not out. Fide. I warrant you, sir. Man. Then, know, I love Olivia; doat on her: her ingratitude and disdain, like oil thrown into the flames, have made my passion burn the fier cer. Fide. Oh, Heavens ! Man. You say she met you just now, and wanted you to go home with her, in order to communicate something: who knows what that might be?-Perhaps she hath repented her behaviour this morning-Perhaps it was the result of passion, of affectation, or was meant to try me: in short, I can assign a thousand reasons for it, besides that one of change in her affections; for, I am sure, once she loved me. Fide. Hang her, dissembling creature! Love you! It was only for her interest, then. Man. Well, well, no matter; but, I tell you, I know better: I am sure once she did love me. Fide. Indeed, sir, she never cared for you. Man. Will you have done, sir! Fide. Besides, sir, did she not tell you, she was married? Fide. Nay, not much, sir; only she called me over to her as I was crossing the Mall, and would feign have had me gone home to her house, where she had something to communicate; but, for my part, I could hardly bear to look at her, much less afford her an opportunity for conversation.-tooPray, sir, don't you think she has a most forbidding countenance? Man. I cannot say I ever observed it. Fide. Then her shape is by no means one of the best. Man. Indeed! Fide. But I hope, sir, your eyes are now as open to her deformities, as they must be to her perfidiousness; and that you will never think of her any more.- -But why do I mention that?You never can think of her without bringing your good sense, nay, your reputation, in question: for after such unworthy, such infamous usage Man. Confusion! Who told you, sir, she had used me ill? Fide. Why, sir, was not I witness? Man. 'Sdeath, sirrah, if ever I hear you mutter such a word again, I'll shake you into atoms! How am I exposed and rendered contemptible? It is enough, that I think I have nothing to complain of. I am perfectly well satisfied with her conduct.-Do you mark!-perfectly well satisfied. Fide. Very well, sir, I have done. Man. Oh, the curse of being conscious of a weakness one is ashamed to divulge! Hold, sir! Come hither. Have you resolution enough to endure the torture of a secret; for such to some is insupportable. Fide. I would keep it as safe as if your dear precious life depended upon it. Man. Well, well, but that might be artifice, -'Sdeath, sir! will you listen to me, or go about your business, and never let me see you more? Fide. I beg pardon, sir. Man. I say you shall what this business is. go to her house, and hear Fide. I go to her house, sir? I would sooner go Man. No hesitating, sir! I say you must: she lives but in the next street. Fide. Indeed, sir, I cannot go there. Fide. Besides, sir, consider: you scorned her this morning. Man. I know not what I did this morning: I dissembled this morning.What! are you not gone yet? Fide. Well, sir, now I think on it, I will go: for, perhaps, this is a sting of conscience; and she hath a mind to make some recompense for her ill usage of you, by returning your money and jewels: methinks I feign would have them out of her hands. Man. Stay, sir; if she drops the least hint of any such thing, I charge you, come away immediately, and do not stay even to give her an an Mrs Black. Have you the Lawyer's Maga SCENE II-Westminster-hall—A crowd of peo- Enter MRS BLACKACRE in the middle of half a Mrs Black. Offer me a reference, you saucy blockhead! Do you know who you speak to? Are you a solicitor in chancery, and offer a reference? Mr Serjeant Plodden, here is a fellow has the impudence to offer me a reference ! Plod. Who is that has the impudence to offer a reference within these walls? Mrs Black. Nay, for a splitter of causes to do it! Plod. No, madam; to a lady, learned in the law as you are, the offer of a reference were to impose upon you. Mrs Black. No, never fear me for a reference, Mr Serjeant-But come, have not you forgot your brief? Are you sure you shall not make the mistake of Hark you Enter MAJOR OLDFOX and Bookseller. -Come, Mr Splitcause, pray go see, when my cause in chancery comes on; and go speak with Mr Quillet in the King's Bench, and Mr Quirk in the Common Pleas, and see how matters go there. Old. Madam, I have the pleasure to bid you good-morrow once again; and may all your causes go as prosperously as if I myself was to be the judge of them! Mrs Black. Sir, excuse me, I am busy, and cannot answer compliments in Westminster-hall. Go, Mr Splitcause, and come to me again at the bookseller's. Old. No, sir, come to the lady at the other bookseller's. If you please, madam, I'll attend you thither. Mrs Black. And why to the other bookseller's, major? Old. Because, madam, he is my bookseller. Mrs Black. To sell you lozenges for your cough, or salve for your corns? What else can a major deal with a bookseller for? Old. Madam, he publishes for me. Mrs Black. Publishes! oh, that is true, I forgot you are an author. Old. Now and then, madam, now and thenthe good of one's country, you know. Mrs Black. And pray, major, what are your books upon? Old. Deign you, madam, to peruse one of them! There is a thing of mine lately come out; and I'll assure you, a certain great person, whom I presented it to, was pleased to pay me a compliment in the Court of Requests. Book. Do you want any thing, madam? We have all the plays, magazines, and new pamphlets Book. We have no law books at all, madam. Mrs Black. No! you are a pretty bookseller! Old. Come hither, young man-Has your master got any of my last pamphlet left? Book. Yes, sir, we have got enough of them; we never had above two or three called for, besides what you took away yourself. Old. May be so, may be so; the thing is not sufficiently known yet. Well, let me see a couple. [Gets them.] It is entitled, madam, “A Letter to a certain great Man on the present Posture of Affairs;" and if you will please to accept of one ex dono auctoris Jer. Hoh, hoh, hoh! [Laughing at a pamphlet behind.] Mrs Black. Jerry, what have you got there? Mrs Black. Nothing! Let me look at that book-Rochester's Jests! A very pretty study, truly. Give him the Young Clerk's Guide. Oid. No, no; give the young gentleman my Treatise upon Military Discipline. Mrs Black. Away with such trash! Do you want to send him to the devil headlong? I should have him teazing me, to-morrow or next day, to buy him an ensign's commission. I would as lief he should read a play! Jer. Well, and what if I did! There's very good discourse to be got out of plays, for all you. Mrs Black. Sirrah, sirrah! Don't let me hear such a word out of your mouth. What has spoiled most of the attornies' clerks in London, but turning critics, and running every night to the playhouses at half price? and do you want to follow their example?-Stay, Jerry-Is not that Mr What d'ye call him goes yonder, he that offered to sell me a suit in chancery for five hundred pounds, for an hundred down, and only paying the clerk's fees? Jer. Yes, that's he. Mrs Black. It is the cheapest thing I ever heard of-Stay here, and have a care of the bags, while I go and talk with him. Have a care of the bags, I say[Exit. Jer. Have a care of the fiddle's end, I say: Gad, I ain sure I lead a dog's life with you. Enter FREEMAN, Free. So, here's a limb of my widow, that used to be inseparable from her: she can't be farHow now, major! Old. What do you mean by that, sir! Who are you, sir? What are you, sir? Free. Nay, my dear Don Choleric, don't snap my nose off. Old. Sir, you are a very impertinent fellow, sir!-And, sir-'squire, where's your mother? Jer. Oh, what, you were so intent upon reading your works, you let her give you the slip, did you? Well, yonder she is, talking to that weazle-faced man in the big wig-hobble after her. Old. An unmannerly, insignificant, ignorantI shall take notice of you, Mr Sea-Lieutenant, I shall take notice of you! [Exit. Jer. Look you, master, I'll tell you what it is -I'll buy that book of choice sayings from you, if so be you'll take half a crown for it, and stay till lawyer Splitcause comes to lend me the money to pay you. Free. Lend you! Here, I'll pay him-I am sorry, squire, a man of your estate should want money. Jer. Why, I am not at age yet, you must understand. Free. At age! You are at age already, man, to have spent a fortune there are younger than you, who, to my knowledge, have kept their girls these three years; ruined half a dozen tradesmen, and lost as many thousand pounds at play. But what is the reason, 'squire, that you will not give your consent to my marrying your mother? Jer. Why you would not be such a fool, would you? Free. Why I would not be a fool, if I could help it but has not she a good jointure? Jer. A good jointure! If she has, she knows what to do with it: she will let no body have a finger in the pie but herself, I can tell you that. Come a little this way-Why, you would not believe what an old plague my mother is; she'll never allow me sixpence in my pocket; so that I am ashamed to go into company, because I have not wherewithal to call for a glass of wine, and do as the rest do. And, for a wench!-I was but making a little fun with our laundress's daughter upon the staircase, the other night, and she threatened to send the poor girl to Bridewell. Free! Sure! Jer. Upon my word she did! Oh, you don't know what a woman she is. Free. Well, but 'squire, methinks this might easily be remedied: if I was you, I would go to law with her. Jer. Law! Lord help your head! Why she is as big a lawyer as any in our inn; and would not desire better sport-Besides, I would not care to do that, for fear she should marry out of spite, and cut down my trees. I should hate to see my father's wife kissed and slopped by another man -and our trees are the purest, nice, shady, even twigs! Free. Come, 'squire, let your mother and your trees fall, as she pleases, rather than go of this fashion all your life-But you shall be able to deal with her the right way. Jer. Nay, if I had any friend to stand by me, I would shew her a trick worth two of it, I can tell you that. Jer. Oh, Lord, Sir! two guineas! Do you lend me this? Is there no trick in it? Well, sir, I'll give you my bond for security. Free. No, no, you have given me your face for security; any one would swear you do not look like a cheat: and come to me whenever you will, and you shall have what money you please of me. Jer. By my soul he's a curious fine gentleman! but may I depend upon you? Will you stand by me? Free. Here's my hand. Jer. That's enough. Never stir, but the next cross word my mother gives me, but I'll leave her directly, and come off to you-But now I have got money, I'll go pay the man at the gate two shillings I owe him, for I believe the poor soul wants it; and his wife has been two or three times at chambers to dun me. [Exit. Enter MANLY, Mrs BLACK ACRE, and MAJor OLDFOX. Man. Confound your cause! Can't you lose it without me? which you are like enough to do, if it be, as you say, an honest one: I'll suffer for it no longer. Mrs Bluck. Nay, but, captain, you are my chief witness-And Mr Splitcause tells me we are pricked down for the next hearing. Lord! methinks you should take pleasure in walking here, as half you see now do: for they have no business here, I assure you. Man. Yes, but I assure you, then, their business is to persecute me————' -'Sdeath! I can't turn but one puppy or other has me by the sleeve, with impertinent inquiries or fulsome compliments: I have been acting the sign of the salutation this half hour, with a bowed body and my hat off, to one of your law serjeants yonder; while he was loading me with professions of service and friendship, though, in all probability, he cared not if I was at the devil; and I was wishing him hanged out of my way. Mrs Black. Well, well, sir, compose yourself a little, and every thing shall be made agreeable. Jerry, why, Jerry !-Mercy on me, major, did not you leave my son here? Old. Yes, madam, but perhaps the young gentleman is stepped aside. Mrs Black. Jerry Blackacre! Free. Your son will be here in a minute, madam; he's only just gone out of the hall about a little business. Mrs Black. Out of the hall! Gads my life!— Out of the hall! Free. Don't make yourself uneasy, madam; I'll answer for it he'll come to no mischief. Mrs Black. Sir, I don't direct my discourse to you-But I'll so rate this careless jackanapes—~— Come along, major, and help me to look for Free. Suppose I was to be your friend! Look you, 'squire, I don't use to profess much; how-him, ever, there's a trifle for your present occasions. [Exeunt all but MANLY and FREEMAN, Free. Well, sir, how have you past your time, since you came here? You have had a great deal of patience, sure. Man. Patience, indeed! for I have drawn but one quarrel and two law-suits upon me. Free. The devil! How could you quarrel here? Man. How could I refrain?-But let's get off, for I see another quarrel coming upon me. Free. What do you mean? Man. Ask no questions, but walk this way. Enter NOVEL. Nov. Hey! captain! captain Manly! Nov. I beg pardon; but I thought it was you. Have you been in the house hearing the debates? What are they upon to-day? Man. Considering what passed between you and me at our last interview, sir, I cannot help being a little astonished at the familiarity of this salutation. Nov. Pho, pho! a mere trifle. Don't mention it-It has been a very fine morning, sir. Free. Yes, sir, the weather has been tolerable. Nov. It was very cold yesterday. Free. I believe it might, sir. Nov. Captain, what do you think brings me to Westminster-hall? Man. Why, I suppose somebody has thrashed you lately for being impertinent, and you are come to take the law of them. Nov. No, that's not it. But I suppose you have heard Man. Heard what? Nov. Why, that I am to be played the devil with; costs and damages, and the Lord knows what. Man. No, really, I have heard nothing about the matter; but what is it? though I am sure you are in the wrong before you tell me. Nov. Why, you must know, sir-Ha, ha, ha! Upon my soul it is so ridiculous a circumstance, that I can hardly think of it without laughing.You must know, sir, I was some time ago at the house of a considerable merchant in the city, where a certain lady's name was brought up; and, in the course of the conversation, I happened to mention some things which I had heard, and which all the world believe to be fact, egad! However, as you may guess, I did not imagine the discourse would have gone any further. Free. But I suppose the lady had a friend in company, sir. Nov. Oh, sir! I know how the matter came about now-Yes, yes, the woman of the house was her sister-in-law, which I never dreamt of: the intolerable Jezebel went and told her every thing that passed: an attorney cam came the next morning to serve me with a copy of a writ; and now they have brought me here to make me prove my words, as they call it. VOL. II. Man. And pray, sir, what was it you said of the lady? Nov. Nothing, nothing!-some story that I heard about her cuckolding her husband; that was all. Man. I hope she may trounce you severely; nay, and I hope what you said of her was true; that you may be made the more glaring example. Nov. Well, but my dear creature! how can you be so inhuman to any person, that never did you any injury? Man Because I would have such mischievous triflers as you are punished for your tattling and effeminacy: I would have you taught the difference between satire and defamation; and learn some other topic for your nonsensical conversations, besides the character and conduct of the absent: you male members of the tea-table, who are, if possible, worse enemies to women, than they are to one another. Nov. Well upon my honour, this is pleasant! especially from you, who are remarkable for abusing all the world. Man. Do you hear him, Freeman? Plaindealing may well be in disrepute, when 'tis confounded with impudence and scandal: but if I stay here any longer, I find I shall be tempted to beat him. Free. Nay, prithee don't leave us. Man. Yes, yes, I must; I shall bring myself into another scrape else: besides, I see a person just now come into the hall, that looks for meStand out of the way. [Exit. Nov. This is a sad brutish fellow, sir; I wonder you will keep him company. Free. Why, faith, sir, I don't know how it is; I think I am bewitched to him, for my part-and yet, hang him! he has some good qualities, too, when one comes to be thoroughly acquainted with him. Nov. Ay, sir! Pray, what may they be, for I never could find them out? Free. Why, I think 'tis generally agreed, sir, that he has a tolerable good understanding. Nov. Why, really, I have heard people say so; and yet, to me, he has always appeared the stupidest animal breathing. Free. Then as to courage.-It must be allowed he is brave. Nov. He is quarrelsome, if you please; but his bravery, I fancy, will admit of some dispute. You have heard, no doubt, of his late affair with the French? Free. Ay, sir; what of that? Nov. Why, I should not care to have my name mentioned as the author of such a thing; but I assure you there are some very odd reports fly about; and this, I believe, you may depend upon, that he will be brought to a court-martial for his behaviour on that occasion. Free. I am glad to hear this, sir, with all my heart; for, you must know, I happened to be a partner in the action you mention, U |