ÆäÀÌÁö À̹ÌÁö
PDF
ePub

Mrs Black. Well, I suppose he will be for coming to a compromise; but there is no harm in being prepared.-Mr Quillet, let us sit down.

Coun. Just as you please, madam; sit or let it alone; it is the same thing to me.

Mrs Black. I say, counsellor, in part I have already told you what I would have done. With regard to this testament, there are three things to be considered

Coun. Ay, madam, we will consider them.

better than that. Ecod! if it was not for me, many a one, that is saucy enough in the courts, would make but a scurvy figure out of them.

Coun. Come, come, madam, that affair of the evidence was very black.

Mrs Black. It is false, sir! It was all a prejudice, because he was an Irishman: but, if there was any roguery in it, did not you draw his instructions?

Coun. You deluded, you deceived me- -But guard your expressions, Mrs Blackacre; guard your expressions; have a care of au action of

Mrs Black. Well, but hear me out; don't snap one up so-I say there are three things to be considered. First, to prove whether the tes-scandal. tator was compos mentis. Secondly, whether he was inops concilii. And, thirdly, whether there was a sufficient probat—

Coun. Nay, nay, but, madam, this is all unne

cessary.

Mrs Black. Unnecessary! What do you mean? Was it not so ruled-Catling, 15th Edward the First, folio B? Was it not afterwards confirmed in the Exchequer-chamber, upon error, from banco regis? Look at your reports, sir-Crook James, 114.

Coun. Lackaday, Mrs Blackacre, you are really talking in the clouds-have got quite out of your sphere!-I tell you, there was no devise till the 27th Henry VIII.

Mrs Black. I say there was, sir.

Mrs Black. Odds my life, is this language to me, you puny upstart of the law! You green bag carrier! You murderer of unfortunate causes! The clerk's ink is scarce off your fingers! What a shame it is, that women should not plead their causes themselves, and not be obliged to employ such ignorant mongrels !

Coun. Well, madam, very well! Take notice, you are in the hands of the law. I call you to witness, sir, that this woman has attacked my reputation. Depend upon it, the bench shall hear of you, and my lord chief-justice determine, which is the best lawyer, you or I. [Exit.

Mrs Black. I have not patience! I will have bim caned! I will have him caned in the courts, if it costs me ten thousand pounds—an impudent, Coun. You mean, Mrs Blackacre, there was saucy—make a rule against me !—And you, madevise in common-law, but not in secundum sta-jor, sitting there, with your mouth open-are you tutum; so that your quotation is quite foreign to the purpose in fine, the whole is nonsense, and I see you know nothing of the law.

Mrs Black. No, sir! but I will shew you that I do know something of the law; and I will lay you five hundred pounds to your nosegay, that I know more of the law than you do; and you shall be instructed!

Coun. Not by you, madam; not by you! Send your solicitor to me; there is your paper of memorandums.

Mrs Black. Impertinent! My paper of memorandums! Odds my life! Return me my fee, too, then; my five guineas that I gave you!

Coun. Don't put yourself in a passion, Mrs Blackacre; I am always calm. As to your fee, I shall not return it; for, if it was double the sum, I have had trouble enough for it.

Mrs Black. Trouble! Major, did you ever see such usage as this?

a man, a soldier! to wear a sword by your side, and see me treated-Oh, I wish I had a sword!

Old. Do not make yourself uneasy, madam; I warrant we will be up with him! I will write an essay against him in the newspapers; I can get any thing put in for five shillings and sixpence. Mrs Black. Go, go, you are a silly old ass.

Enter Waiter.

Waiter. What is the matter, madam?

Mrs Black. Nothing, nothing; go down stairs. Make a rule against me! Odds my life! I wish they durst! Egad, the parliament should hear of it!

Enter FREEMAN, Bailiffs, and JERRY.

Jer. O law! My mother quarrelling with the waiter.-What is the matter here? won't she pay her reckoning?

Free. Bailiffs, execute your writ; there is your prisoner.

Coun. To be short with you, madam, you are a person, whose affairs I do not chuse to meddle with; for your causes are such as have been set Bail. We arrest you in the king's name, at the on the left side of the book any time these six suit of Mr Freeman, guardian to Jeremiah Blackyears; and, since your evidence at the last Hi-acre, esq. in an action of ten thousand pounds. lary sittings was pilloried, my lord chief-justice Mrs Black. How, how! in a choke bail ac talks of making an order, that you shall not teaze tion? his court any more.

Mrs Black. Make an order! Make an order against me, that I should not teaze! No, no, they know which side their bread is buttered on

Free. Yes, yes; you are taken indeed, madam; and we have discovered your equitable design of providing us with a forged will.

Mrs Black. Undone, undoue! no man was

ever too hard for me till now.-Oh, Jerry! child, | ways knew Varnish was a silly fellow, but I wilt thou vex the mother, that bore thee?

Jer. Ay, for bearing me before wedlock, as you say but I will teach you to call a Blackacre a bastard, though you are never so much my mother.

Mrs Black. Well, I am undone! not one trick left! Cruel sir, a word with you, I pray.

Free. In vain, madam; you have no way to release yourself now, but by the bonds of matri

mony.

Mrs Black. How, sir, how! matrimony! that were but to sue out an habeas corpus, for a removal from one prison to another.

Free. Bailiffs, away with her!

Mrs Black. Oh, stay, sir! can you be so cruel as to bring me under covert baron again, and put it out of my power to sue in my own name? but I see, sir, your aim in all this; and, if you think proper, to make us both easy, I will, out of my jointure, secure you an annuity of three hundred pounds a year, and pay your debts; and that's all you younger brothers desire to marry a widow for, I am sure.

Free. Now, madam, you are come to the point I wanted to bring you to: but you shall find I will not be behind hand with you in generosity; I believe I need not tell you, widow, that I have suffered some injuries from your family, and there is now an estate in it, which lawfully and honestly belongs to me.

Mrs Black. Why, sir, I do remember something, and if you will be so good as to let me speak to my attorney

Free. As for that, madam, there is no occasion-the land in question brings in about four hundred pounds a year; secure me that, and your person and your son, you are welcome to dispose of as you please.

Jer. What! I hope, master guardian, you are not making agreements without me!

Free. No, no. First, widow, you must say no more, that he is a bastard; have a care of that: and then be must have a settled exhibition of one hundred pounds a year, and a nag of assizes, kept by you, but not upon the common.

Mrs Black. Well, I can grant all this. Jer. Aye, aye, fair words butter no cabbage: but, guardian, make her sign-sign and seal; or otherwise, if you knew her as well as I, you would not trust her word for a farthing.

Free. I warrant you, 'squire. Come, my lawyer, with writings ready drawn, is within, and in

haste.

Mrs Black. Make a rule against me! a paltry jackanapes! [Exeunt.

SCENE IV.-OLIVIA's house. OLIVIA Seated at a table, with candles, and a small cabinet. Oliv. Sure, no intrigue was ever attended with so many odd circumstances as this of mine; I al

thought he had too much experience to mistake a man for a woman. I am glad I picked a quarrel with Eliza, however; because, now, people will never believe I was in her power, but take for malice whatever she may say to my disadvantage. But 'tis just the hour I appointed my young sailor. And, as if my husband had not committed blunders enough already, he is again conveniently gone out of town, to give me a better opportunity of entertaining him: but I married him for a convenience. Hold, don't I hear somebody treading softly along the passage! Enter FIDELIA, through the back scene. Who's there? my dear! Fide. My life!

Oliv. Well, this is kind; now, I think, you really love me, because you are punctual to your assignation. I was afraid the misadventure, when you was here last, would have frightened you from coming any more; and then I should have been so unhappy

Fide. Why, really, madam, I was under some apprehensions.

Oliv. Go, you little coward! you a son of Neptune, and talk of fear! but stay, I'll lock the door, though there be no occasion for it, but to keep out your fears, and those ugly fits you tell me you are subject to.

Mun. [At the door.] You have impudence enough to give me fits, and make revenge still impotent.

Oliv. What do you say?
Fide. Madam!

Oliv. I thought I heard you speak-come-sit down here--what makes you so pensive? Fide. I am thinking, madam, if your husband should surprise us again!

Oliv. There's no danger; he's ten miles out of town by this time; however, don't mention his name, lest it should prove ominous.

Fide. Well, but wont you give me the satisfaction of telling you how I abused him last?

Oliv. I have heard enough of it: I hate any discourse, when he, or Manly, must be part of the subject. No, let me rather resume the conversation I began yesterday—Are you willing to go off with me?

Fide. Whither, madam?

Oliv. Any where-to Lapland, or India-I repeat it once more—I have a sufficient fortune to make us happy. [Trampling without. Fide. Hist! don't I hear a noise? Oliv. No, no. [Trampling. Fide. Prav, madam, listen: I am sure I hear the motion of feet upon the stairs.

Oliv. I tell you it is no such thing. [Trampling. Fide. Hark! it grows louder.

Oliv. Be silent, then-there's somebody tampering with the lock of the door. Step gently this way-[VARNISH speaks within]-Death and

confusion, 'tis my husband! I heard him speak | Varnish! Are you the happy man?--You! You!

to the footboy-he has sent him round to bar the garden gate.

Fide. I thought, madam, your husband was out of town, you said.

Oliv. No, no, 'tis he. Fool that I was, to trust in his pretended ignorance, or think his reconcilement real! he has laid this train purposely for my undoing. He has stopt the only passage we could get out by; and I know his revengeful temper so well, if he finds us here, he'll murder us. Let us escape your way by the balcony: here, take this cabinet, it contains jewels and bank notes to a considerable value; here, put out the candles, while I go into the next room and pull down the curtains.

Enter MANLY.

[Exit.

Fide. This cabinet, I believe, is yours, sir. Man. It is mine now, indeed; and shall never escape from me again, at least to her.

Fide. Did you ever hear such a wretch, sir? Man. A wretch! why she makes love like a devil in a play. But she wanted to elope with you, sir; you never told me that!

Fide. Oh, sir, I have not told you half her wickedness; [loud noise] but they are breaking open the door. What shall I do, sir?

Man. Stay where you are, and fear nothing. Now we shall see who this happy man is she calls husband.

Enter VARNISH.

Var. With much labour and forcing, I have at last gained admittance: but now, to find out the occasion of all this privacy and barricading-I heard people talk in the room, I am sure-Ha! what's here?

Man. Sword and dark lantern, villain, are some odds; however, I believe I shall be able to deal with you-don't be frightened, my little volunteer.

Fide. Only for your life, sir.

Var. Damnation! two at once-but I'll make sure of one of them at least.

Fide. Murder! help! murder!

Enter OLIVIA, and then FREEMAN, LORD PLAUSIBLE, and NOVEL.

Speak, I say-But your guilty silence tells me all. Well, I will not upbraid you; let your own reflections be your punishment-Fare ye well, sir!

Free. Look yonder, captain, to the volunteer; he is hurt, and I believe fainting.

Fide. No, sir, 'tis only my fright, not yet well over: I shall recover here in the next room. Man. My boy hurt?

Enter MRS BLACK ACRE and JERRY.

Mrs Black. I dare swear there is something going forward contrary to the statute; and as, in that remarkable case, Stokes plaintiff, against Jenkins and other defendants-But I'll take minutes; for perhaps one side or other may chuse to bring it into the courts.

Jer. Well, my mother will never let the law alone, I see that; for when she's at a loss for wherewithal to go herself, she's for setting other people at it.

Man. Oh Heaven !-Freeman, come here! Free. How now? What's the matter? Man. More miracles still-The volunteer's a woman!

All. A woman!

Fide. Dear captain, spare my blushes; yet, wherefore should I be ashamed of a virtuous and generous passion? Yes, I am a woman, I own it; and, through love for the worthiest of men, have attempted to follow him in this disguise; partly out of fear to disclose my sentiments, for I knew of his engagements to that lady; and the constancy of his nature, which nothing but herself could have changed.

Man. Dear madain, I desired you to bring me out of confusion, and you have given me more: I know not what to speak to, or how to look upon you; the sense of my rough and ill usage gives me more pain, now it is over, than you felt when you suffered it: but, if my affec tions, once prostituted to such a woman

Oliv. My breast burns with fury, indignation, disdain, and must have vent. Coxcomb, idiot, brute! But think not long to triumph, for I go to have such vengeance on ye

L. Plau. Madam, will you permit me the honour of your fair hand? Oliv. Take it. Oliv. What means this uproar? Distraction! [Strikes him, and Erit. my husband has got in! then we shall have mur- Nov. Ha, ha, ha! There's for your gentleder indeed. Oh stay, you must not kill one una-man-ushership, my lord! Well, what do you ble to defend himself! lights! lights! think of her now? Did not I always tell you she was a jilt?

Enter footboy, with lights.

Man. Now, sir, where are you? Freeman, look to the door.-Hold, my dearest, after so much kindness past between us, I cannot part with you yet-Freeman, let no body out; for, notwithstanding your lights, we are still in the dark, till this gentleman turns his face-How!

L. Plau. Take it from me, Mr Novel, she's a lady of great virtue and delicacy; though, indeed, I could not have believed her fingers to have been quite so hard.

Mrs Black. But, pray, captain Manly, a word with you. Is not this my cousin Olivia's house and furniture? And do you eject her,

seize on her goods and chattels vi et armis ? Ecod, if I was she, I'd make demand-bring my

trover.

Man. Good Mrs Blackacre, be pacified: if your cousin had her deserts, the law would be her greatest enemy. And now, madam, let me beg of you to accept of this, and, with it, my heart; both, I confess, too small a recompense for your merit; for you deserve the Indian world, and I would go thither, out of covetousness, for your sake.

Fide. Your heart, sir, is a present of that value, I can never make any return for it: but I can give you back such a present as this, which I got by the death of my father, a gentleman of the north, whose only child I was; [gives a paper.] therefore left me in the present possession of 2000l. a year. The name of my family is Grey; my other, Fidelia; the rest of my story you shall know, when I have fewer auditors.

Man. Nay, madam, you now take from me all power of making you any compliment on my part. I was going to tell you, that, on your account only, I would forego the pleasures of a retirement I have long wished for, and be reconciled again to the world, which was grown odious to me but if I should, I doubt my friend here would say it was your estate made me friends with it.

Free. I must confess I should; for I think most of our quarrels to the world are just such as we sometimes have to a handsome woman, only because she won't grant us as many favours as we could wish.

Man. Nay, if you are a Plain Dealer, too, give me your hand; and, for your two sakes, though I have been so lately deceived in both sexes, I will believe there are still in the world good-natured friends who are not prostitutes, and handsome women worthy to be friends. [Exeunt omnes,

[blocks in formation]

MASKWELL, a villain; pretended friend to MEL-LADY TOUCHWOOD, in love with MELLEFONT. LEFONT, gallant to LADY TOUCHWOOD, and in CYNTHIA, daughter to SIR PAUL, by a former love with CYNTHIA.

LORD TOUCHWOOD, uncle to MELLEFONT. MELLEFONT, promised to, and in love with CYNTHIA.

CARELESS, his friend.

LORD FROTH, a solemn corcomb.

BRISK.

SIR PAUL PLYANT, an uxorious, foolish, old knight, brother to LADY TOUCHWOOD, and father to CYNTHIA.

wife, promised to MELLEFONT.

LADY FROTH, a great coquet; pretender to poetry, wit, and learning.

LADY PLYANT, insolent to her husband, and easy to any pretender.

Chaplain, Boy, Footmen, and Attendants.

Scene-A gallery in LORD TOUCHWOOD's house, with chambers adjoining.

ACT I.

SCENE I-A gallery in LORD TOUCHWOOD'S house, with chambers adjoining.

Enter CARELESS, crossing the stage, with his hat, gloves, and sword in his hands, as just risen from table; MELLEFONT following him.

Mel. NED, Ned, whither so fast! What, turned flincher! Why, you will not leave us?

Care. Where are the women? I am weary of guzzling, and begin to think them the better company.

Mel. Then thy reason staggers, and thou art almost drunk.

Care. No, faith, but your fools grow noisy; and, if a man must endure the noise of words

without sense, I think the women have more musical voices, and become nonsense better.

Mel. Why, they are at the end of the gallery, retired to their tea and scandal, according to their ancient custom after dinner. But I made a pretence to follow you, because I had something to say to you in private, and I am not like to have many opportunities this evening.

Care. And here is this coxcomb most critically come to interrupt you.

Enter BRISK.

Brisk. Boys, boys, lads, where are you? What, do you give ground? Mortgage for a bottle, ha? Careless, this is your trick; you are always spoiling company by leaving it.

« ÀÌÀü°è¼Ó »