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what you would nave me do?-What do the Scand. What, is it bouncing Margery, with my world say of me, and my forced confinement? godson?
Scand. The world behaves itself, as it uses to Jer. Yes, sir. do on such occasions. Some pity you, and con Scand. My blessing to the boy, with this token demn your father: others excuse him, and blame (gives money.) of my love. you. Only the ladies are merciful, and wish you Val. Bid Trapland come in. If I can give that weil: since love and pleasurable expence have Cerberus a sop, I shall be at rest for one day. been your greatest faults.
(JEREMY goes out, and brings in TRAPLAND.
O`Mr Trapland ! my old friend! welcome. JEREMY returns.
Jeremy, a chair, quickly: a bottle of sack, and a Val. How now?
toast -Ay-a chair first. Jer. Nothing new, sir. I have dispatched some Trap. A good morning to you, Mr Valentine; hali a dozen duns with as much dexterity as an and to you, Mr Scandal. hungry judge does causes at dinner time.
Scand. The morning's a very good morning, if Vul. What answer have you given them? you don't spoil it. Scand. Patience, I suppose the old receipt ! Val. Come, sit you down; you know his way.
Jer No, faith, sir : I have put them off so long Trap. (sits.] There is a debt, Mr Valentine, with patience and forbearance, and other fair of fifteen hundred pounds, of pretty long standwords, that I was forced to tell them in plainingdownright English
Val. I cannot talk about business with a thirsty Val, What?
palate. Sirrah! the sack! Jer. That they should be paid.
Trap. And I desire to know what course you l'al. When?
have taken for the payment. Jer. To-morrow
Val. Faith, and troth, I am heartily glad to see Val And how the devil do you mean to keep you—my service to you! fill, fill, to honest Mr
Trapland-fuller. Jer. Keep it? Not at all: it has been so very Trap. Hold! sweetheart—this is not to our mub stretched, that I reckon it will break of business. My service to you, Mr Scandal ! course by to-morrow, and nobody be surprised at [drinks.) I have forborn as longthe matter !-(knocking.)--Ayain! Sir, if you Val. I'other glass, and then we'll talk- Fill, don't like my negociation, will you be pleased to Jeremy. anser rhese yourself?
Trap. No more, in truth–I have forborn, I Val. See who they are. [Erit Jeremy.] By say— this, Scandal, you may see what it is to be great. Val. Sirrah ! fill! when I bid you. And how Secretaries of state, presidents of the council, does your handsome daughter? -Come, a good and generals of an army, lead just such a lite as husband to her.
[drinks. I do: have just such crowds of visitants in a Trap. Thank you--I have been out of this morning, all soliciting of past promises; which are money but a civiller sort of duns, that lay claim to volun Vai. Drink first. Scandal, why do you not tary debts.
[They drink. Scani. And you, like a truly great man, ha Trap. And, in short, I can be put off no longving engaged their attendance, and promised more than ever you intended to perform, are more Val. I was much obliged to you for your supperplexed to .cd evasions, than you would be to ply: it did me signal service in my necessity. invent the honest means of keeping your word, But you delight in doing good. Scandal
, drink and gratiiying your creditors.
to me, my friend Trapland's health. An honester Vui. Scandal, learn to spare your friends, and man lives not, nor one more ready to serve his do not provoke your enemies. This liberty of friend in distress, though I say it to his face. your tongue will one day bring confinement on Come, fill each man his glass. your body, my friend.
Scund. What? I know Trapland has been a
whoremaster, and loves a wench still. You never Enter JEREMY.
knew a whoremaster, that was not an honest fel
low. Jer. O, sir, there's l'rapland the scrivener, with Trap. Fie, Mr Scandal, you never knew ! two suspicious fellows, like lawful pads, that Scand. What don't I know I know the would knock a man down with pocket tipstaves! buxom black widow in the Poultry-Eight hun
-And there's your father's steward; and the dred pounds a-year jointure, and twenty thounurse, with one of your children, from Twitten- sand pounds in money. Ahah! old Trap. hanı.
Val. Say you so, itaith? Come, we'll rememVal. Pox on her! could she find no other time ber the widow: I know whereabouts you are ; to thing iny sins in my fare? Here! give her this, come, to the widow. [gives money,) and bid her trouble me no inore. Trap. No more, indeed.
Val. What! the widow's health? Give it him Val. But I have got a reprieve. -off with it. (They drink.- A lovely girl, i? Scand, I am surprised; what, does your fafaith! black sparkling eyes, soft pouting ruby lips! ther relent? Better sealing there, than a bond for a million, ha ! Val. No; he has sent me the hardest con
Trap. No, no, there's no such thing; we'd bet. ditions in the world. You have heard of a ter mind our business-You're a wag!
booby brother of mine, that was sent to sea Val. No, faith, we'll mind the widow's busi- three years ago ? This brother, my father hears, ness: fill again. Pretty round heaving breasts, is landed ; whereupon he very affectionately a Barbary shape, would stir an anchorite; and the sends me word, “If I will make a deed of conprettiest foot! Oh, if a man could but fasten his veyance of my right to his estate after his eyes to her feet, as they steal in and out, and play death to my younger brother, he will imat bo-peep under her petticoats—ha! Mr Trap-mediately furnish me with four thousand land!
pounds to pay my debts, and make my Trap. Verily, give me a glass-you're a wag fortune. This was once proposed before, and and here's to the widow.
[Drinks. I refused it; but the present impatience of Scand. He begins to chuckle-ply him close, my creditors for their money, and my own imor he'll relapse into a dun.
patience of confinement, and absence from Ange
lica, force me to consent. Enter Officer.
Scand. A very desperate demonstration of Offi. By your leave, gentlemen.—Mr Trap- your love to Angelica ! and I think she has never land, if we must do our office, tell us.-We given you any assurance of hers. have half a dozen gentlemen to arrest in Pall Val. You know her temper; she never gave mall and Covent-garden; and if we don't make me any great reason either for hope or despair. haste, the chairmen will be abroad, and block Scand. Women of her airy temper, as they up the chocolate-houses; and then our labour's seldom think before they act, so they rarely give lost.
us any light to guess at what they mean : but Trap. Odso, that's true. Mr Valentine, I love you have little reason to believe that a woman mirth; but business must be done; are you ready of this age, who has had an indifference for you
in your prosperity, will fall in love with your ill Jer. Sir, your father's steward says, he comes toriune. Besides, Angelica has a great forto make proposals concerning your debts. tune of her own; and great fortunes either expect
Val, Bid him come in: Mr. Trapland, send another great fortune, or a fool. away your officer; you shall have an answer
Enter JEREMY. presently. Trap. Mr Snap, stay within call. [Erit Officer. Jer. More misfortunes, sir,
Val. What, another dun? Enter Steward, who whispers VALENTINE.
Jer. No, sir; but Mr Tattle is come to wait Scand. Here's a dog now, a traitor in his upon you. wine ! Sirrah, refund the sack : Jeremy, fetch Val. Well, I cannot help it you must him some warm water, or I'll rip up his bring him up; he knows I don't go abroad. stomach, and go the shortest way to his con
[Erit JEREMY. science.
Scand. Pox on hiin ! I'll be gone. Trap. Mr Scandal, you are uncivil. I did Val. No, prithee stay: Tattle and you should not value your sack; but you cannot expect it never be asunder ; you are light and shadow, again, when I have drunk it.
and shew one another. He is perfectly thy reScand. And how do you expect to have your verse, both in humour and understanding; and, money again, when a gentleman has spent it? as you set up for defamation, he is a mender of
Val. You need say no more. I understand reputations. the conditions ; they are very hard, but my Scand. A mender of reputations ! ay, just as necessity is very pressing : I agree to them. he is a keeper of secrets, another virtue that he Take Mr Trapland with you, and let him draw sets up for in the same manner.
For the rogue the writing.-Mr Trapland, you know this man; will speak aloud in the posture of a whisper; he shall satisfy you.
and deny a woman's name, while he gives you Trap. Sincerely, I am loth to be thus pres- the marks of her person. He will forswear resing; but my necessity
ceiving a letter from her, and at the same time Val. No apology, good Mr Scrivener; you shew you her hand in the superscription : and shall be paid.
yet, perhaps, he has counterfeited her hand too, Trap. I hope you forgive me; my business and sworn to a truth; but he hopes not to be requires
believed; and refuses the reputation of a lady's [Ereunt TRAPLAND, Steward and JEREMY. favour, as a doctor says no to a bishoprick, only Scand. He begs pardon like a hangman at an that it may be granted him.--In short, he is a execution,
public professor of secrecy, and makes pro
clamation that he holds private intelligence. He | innocence; for I told her-Madam, says I, there is here.
are some persons who make it their business to
tell stories, and say this and that of one and the Enter TATTLE.
other, and every thing in the world; and, says I, Tatt. Valentine, good morrow: Scandal, I if your graceam yours-that is, when you speak well of Scand. Grace !
Tatt. O lord, what have I said ? My unlucky Scand. That is, when I am yours? for while
tongue ! I am my own, or any body's else, that will never Val. Ha, ha, ha! happen.
Scand. Why, Tattle, thou hast more impuTatt, How inhuman !
dence than one can in reason expect : I shall Val. Why, Tattle, you need not be much have an esteem for thee-well, and ha, ha, ha! concerned at any thing, that he says: for to well go on, and what did you say to her grace ? converse with Scandal, is to play at losing Val. I confess this is something extraordinary. loadum; you must lose good name to bim, Tatt. Not a word, as I hope to be saved; an before you can win it for yourself.
arrant lapsus linguæ ! Come, let us talk of someTatt. But how barbarous that is, and how thing else. unfortunate for him, that the world shall Val. Well, but how did you acquit yourself? think the better of any person for his ca Tatt. Pool, pool, nothing at all; I only rallilumination ! I thank Heaven, it has always ed with you. A woman of ordinary rank was a been a part of my character to handle the re- little jealous of me, and I told her something or putations of others very tenderly indeed.
other -faith, I know not what; come, let's Scand. Ay, such rotten reputations as you talk of something else.
[Hums a song. have to deal with are to be handled tenderly in Scand. Hang him, let him alone; he has a deed.
mind we should inquire. Tatt. Nay, why rotten? why should you say Tutt. Valentine, I supped last night with your rotten, when you know not the persons of whom mistress, and her uncle old Foresight: I think you speak? How cruel that is!
your father lies at Foresight's. Scand. Not know them? Why, thou never Val. Yes, badst to do with any one, that did not stink to Tatt. Upon my soul, Angelica's a fine woman. all the town.
And so is Mrs Foresight, and her sister Mrs Tatt. Ha, ha, ha! nay, now you make a jest Frail. of it, indeed. For there is nothing more known, Scand. Yes, Mrs Frail is a very fine woman; than that nobody knows any thing of that nature we all know her.
As I hope to be saved, Valentine, I Tatt. Oh, that is not fair. never exposed a woman, since I knew what Scand. What?
Tatt. To tell. Val. And yet you have conversed with Scand. To tell what? Why, what do you several ?
know of Mrs Frail? Tatt. To be free with you, I have Tatt. Who, I? Upon my honour, I don't know don't care if I own that
-- nay, more (I'm
whether she be a man or woman; but by the going to say a bold word now), I never could smoothness of her chin, and roundness of her meddle with a woman, that had to do with any lips. body else.
Scand. No! Scand. How!
Tatt. No. Val. Nay, faith, I'm apt to believe him--- Scand. She says otherwise. except her husband, Tattle.
Tatt. Impossible! Tatt. Oh that
Scand. Yes, faith. Ask Valentine else. Scand. What think you of that noble commo Tatt. Why, then, as I hope to be saved, I bener, Mrs Drab?
lieve a woman only obliges a man to secresy, Tatt. Pooh, I know madam Drab has made that she may have the pleasure of telling herself. her brags in three or four places, that I said this Scand. No doubt of it. Well, but has she and that, and writ to her, and did I know not done you wrong, or no? You have had her? ha ! what---but, upon my reputation, she did me Tatt. Though I have more honour than to tell wrong-well, well, that was malice-but I know first, I have more manners than to contradict the bottom of it. She was bribed to that by one what a lady has declared. we all know-a man, too-only to bring me into Scand. Well, you own it? disurace with a certain woman of quality
Tatt. I am strangely surprised! Yes, yes, I Scand. Whom we all know,
cannot deny it, if she taxes me with it. Tatt. No matter for that-Yes, yes, every Scand. She'll be here by and by; she sees body knows--no doubt on't, every body knows Valentine every morning. my secrets! But I soon satisfied the lady of my Tutt. Ilow!
Val. She does me the favour-I mean, of a | demned, like other bad painters, to write the visit sometimes. I did not think she had grant
naine at the bottom. ed more to any body.
Tatt. Well, first, thenScand. Nor I, faith. But Tattle does not use to belie a lady; it is contrary to his character.—
Enter Mrs FRAIL. How one may be deceived in a woman, Valen- o unfortunate ! she's come already. Will you tine !
have patience till another time? I'll double the Tatt. Nay, what do you mean, gentlemen? number. Scand. I'm resolved i'll ask her.
Scand. Well, on that conditiou-take heed Tatt. O barbarous! Why, did you not tell me? you don't fail me. Scand. No, you told us.
Mrs Fruil. I shall get a fine reputation, by Tatt. And bid me ask Valentine?
coming to see fellows in a morning! Scandal, Val. What did I say? I hope you won't bring you devil, are you here, too? Oh, Mr Tattle, me to confess an answer, when you never asked every thing is safe with you, we know. me the question?
Scand. Tattle! Tutt. But, gentlemen, this is the most inhu Tatt. Mum -O madam, you do me too man proceeding.
much honour. Val. Nay, if you have known Scandal thus Val. Well, lady Galloper, how does Angelong, and cannot avoid such a palpable decoy as lica ? this was, the ladies have a fine time, whose re Mrs Frail. Angelica ? Manners ! putations are in your keeping.
Val. What, you will allow an absent lover
Mrs Frail. No, I'll allow a lover present with Enter JEREMY.
his mistress to be particular -but otherwise, I
think his passion ought to give place to his manJer. Sir, Mrs Frail has sent to know, if you are stirring.
Val. But what if he has more passion than Val. Shew her up when she comes.
[Exit JEREMY. Mrs Frail. Then let him marry, and reform. Tatt. I'll be gone.
Val. Marriage, indeed, may qualify the fury Val. You'll meet her.
of his passion; but it very rarely mends a man's Tætt. Is there not a back way?
Val. If there were, you have more discretion Mrs Frail. You are the most mistaken in the than to give Scandal such an advantage ; why, world; there is no creature perfectly civil, but a your running away will prove all that he can tell husband : for in a little time he grows only rude her.
to his wife; and that is the highest good-breedTatt. Scandal, you will not be so ungenerous ? ing, for it begets his civility to other people. 0, I shall lose my reputation of secrecy for ever. Well, I'll tell you news; but, I suppose, you I shall never be received but upon public days; heard your brother Benjamin is landed. And and my visits will never be admitted beyond a my brother Foresight's daughter is come out of drawing-room : I shall never see a bed-chamber the country--I assure you, there's a match talkagain; never be locked in a closet, nor run bebinded of by the old people. Well, if he be but as a screen, or under a table; never be distinguish- great a sea-beast, as she is a land-monster, we ed among the waiting women by the name of shall have a most amphibious breed--the protrusty Mr Tattle, more. You will not be so cruel ? geny will be all otters : he has been bred at sea,
Val. Scandal, have pity on him; he'll yield to and she has never been out of the country. any conditions.
Val. Pox take them ! their conjunction bodes Tatt. Any, any terms.
me no good, I'm sure. Scand. Come, then, sacrifice half a dozen wo Mrs Frail. Now you talk of conjunction, my men of good reputation to me presently. Come, brother Foresight has cast both their nativities, where are you familiar? -And see that they and prognosticates an adıniral and an eminent are women of quality, too, the first quality. justice of the peace to be the issue-male of their
Tatt. 'Tis very hard. Won't a baronet's lady two bodies. 'Tis the most superstitious old fool! pass?
He would have persuaded me, that this was an Scand. No, nothing under a right honourable. unlucky day, and would not let me come abroad:
Tatt. O inhuman! You don't expect their but I invented a dream, and sent him to Artenames?
nidorus for interpretation, and so stole out to Scand. No, their titles shall serve.
see you. Well, and what will you give me now? Tatt. Alas! that is the same thing. Pray, Come, I must have something. spare me their titles ; I'll describe their persons. Val. Step into the next room,
and I'll give you Scund. Well, begin, then. But take notice, if something. you are so ill a painter, that I cannot know the Scand. Ave, we'll all give you something. person by your picture of her, you must be con Ars Fruil. Well, wbat will you give me?
Val. Mine's a secret.
Mrs Frail. So! Mrs Frail. I thought you would give me some Scand. Then I have a lady burning brandy, in thing that would be a trouble to you to keep. a cellar, with a hackney coachman.
Val. And Scandal shall give you a good name. Mrs Frail. O devil! Well, but that story is
Mrs Frail. That's more than he has for him- not true. self. And what will you give me, Mr Tattle? Scand. I have some hieroglyphics, too. I have Tatt. I? my soul, madam.
a lawyer, with a hundred hands, two heads, and Mrs Frail. Pooh! no, I thank you, I have but one face; a divine, with two faces, and one enough to do to take care of my own. Well; head. And I have a soldier, with his brains in but I'll come and see you one of these mornings: his belly, and his heart where his head should be. I hear you have a great many pictures.
Mrs Frail. And no head? Tatt. I have a pretty good collection, at your Scand. No head. service; some originals.
Mrs Frail. Pooh, this is all invention. Have Scand. Hang him, he has nothing but the Sea- you never a poet ? sons and the Twelve Cæsars, paltry copies; and Scand. Yes, I have a poet, weighing words, and the Five Senses, as ill represented as they are in selling praise for praise : and a critic picking his himself : and he himself is the only original you pocket. I have another large piece, too, reprewill see there.
senting a school; where there are huge-proporMrs Frail. Ay, but I hear he has a closet of tioned critics, with long wigs, laced coats, Steinbeauties.
kirk-cravats, and terrible faces; with catcalls in Scand. Yes, all that have done him favours, if their hands, and horn-books about their necks. I you will believe him.
have many more of this kind, very well painted, Mrs Frail. Ay, let me see those, Mr Tattle. as you shall see.
Tatt, Oh, madam, those are sacred to love and Mrs Frail. Well, I'll come, if it be but to discontemplation. No man but the painter and my- prove you. self was ever blest with the sight. Mrs Frail. Well, but a woman
Enter JEREMY. Tatt. Nor woman, till she consented to have her picture there, too--for then she is obliged to keep Jer. Sir, here's the steward again from your the secret.
father. Scand. No, no! come to me, if you'd see pic Val. I'll come to him. Will you give me tures.
leave? I'll wait on you again presently. Mrs Frail. You?
Mrs Frail. No, I'll be gone. Come, who Scand. Yes, faith, I can shew you your own squires me to the Exchange? I must call on my picture, and most of your acquaintance, to the sister Foresight there. life, and as like as Kneller's.
Scand. I will : I have a mind to your sister. Mrs Frail. O lying creature Valentine, Mrs Frail, Civil! does not he lie?-I can't believe a word he says. Tatt. I will; because I have a tender for your
Val. No, indeed, he speaks truth now : for, as ladyship. Tattle has pictures of all that have granted hiin Mrs Frail. That's somewhat the better reafavours, he has the pictures of all that have re son, to my opinion fused hiin-if satires, descriptions, characters, Scand. Well, if Tattle entertains you, I have and lampoons, are pictures.
the better opportunity to engage your sister. Scand. Yes, mine are most in black and wbite Val. Tell Angelica, I am about makin bard --and yet there are some set out in their true conditions, to come abroad, and be at liberty to colours, both men and women. I can shew you see her. pride, folly, affectation, wantonness, inconstancy, Scand. I'll give an account of you and your covetousness, dissimulation, malice, and ignor- proceedings. If indiscretion be a sign of love, ance, all in one piece. Then I can shew you you are the most a lover of any body that I know. lying, foppery, vanity, cowardice, bragging, and You fancy that parting with your estate will help ugliness, in another piece: and yet one of these you to your mistress-In my mind, he is a is a celebrated beauty, and t’other a professed thoughtless adventurerbeau. I have paintings too, some pleasant enough. Who hopes to purchase wealth by selling land, Mrs Frail. Come, let's hear them.
Or win a unistress with a losing hand. Scand. Why, I have a beau in bagnio, cupping
(Ereunt. for a complexion, and sweating for a shape.