Mr Alderman, your servant; have you brought me any money, sir? Smug Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what with paying the taxes, raising the customs, losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives at home, the bank is reduced very low. Lure. Come, come, sir, these evasions won't serve your turn; I must have money, sir-I hope you don't design to cheat me? Smug. Cheat you, madam !-have a care what you say I'm an alderman, madam- -Cheat you, madam! I have been an honest citizen these five-and-thirty years. Lure. An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly -I shall trap him in more lies presently. Come, sir, though I am a woman, I can take a course. Smug. What course, madam? You'll go to law, will ye? I can maintain a suit of law, be it right or wrong, these forty years, I am sure of that, thanks to the honest practice of the courts. Lure. Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin your credit. Smug. Blast my reputation! he, he, he! Why, I'm a religious man, madam; I have been very instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin my credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam-you have a sweet leering eye. Lure. You instrumental in the reformation! How? Smug. I whipped all the whores, cut and longtail, out of the parish-Ah, that leering eye!Then, I voted for pulling down the playhouse Ah, that ogle, that ogle!-Then, my own pious example-Ah, that lip, that lip! Lure. Here's a religious rogue for you, now!As I hope to be saved, I have a good mind to beat the old monster. Smug. Madam, I have brought you about a hundred and fifty guineas (a great deal of money, as times go) and Lure. Come, give them me. Smug. Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, white- -I have brought it, you see; but the condition of the obligation is such, that whereas that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that--you understand me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you little rogue Lure. Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that he won't wench upon his own cost, but would bribe me with my own money. I'll be revenged. [Aside.] Upon my word, Mr Ålderman, you make me blush,-what d'ye mean, pray? Smug. See here, madam. [Puts a piece of mo ney in his mouth.] Buss and guinea, buss and guinea, buss and guinea. Lure. Well, Mr Alderman, you have such pretty winning ways, that I will, ha, ha, ha! Smug. Will you, indeed, he, he, he! my little cocket? And when, and where, and how? Lure. 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure both our honours; you must therefore be disguised, Mr Alderman. Smug. Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; I'm not half so religious as I scem to be. You little rogue, why, I'm disguised as I am; our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy. Lure. No man is seen to come into this house after night-fall; you must therefore sneak in, when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes. Smug. With all my heart-I have a suit on purpose, my little cocket; I love to be disguised; 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman; 'ecod, I do. Enter Servant, who whispers Lurewell. Lure. Oh, Mr Alderman, shall I beg you to walk into the next room? Here are some stran gers coming up. Smug. Buss and guinea first-Ah, my little cocket! [Exit SMUGGLER. Enter WILDAIR. Wild. My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can give! Lure. Death's life with thee, without thee, death to live. Welcome, my dear sir Harry-I see you got my directions. Wild. Directions! in the most charming manner, thou dear Machiavel of intrigue. Lure. Still brisk and airy, I fiud, sir Harry. Wild. The sight of you, madam, exalts my air, and makes joy lighten in my face. Lure. I have a thousand questions to ask you, sir Harry. How d'ye like France? Wild. Ah! c'est le plus beau païs du monde. Lure. Then, what made you leave it so soon? Wild. Madam, vous voyez que je vous suive par-tout. Lure. Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligée. But, where's the court now? Wild. At Marli, madam. Lure. And where my count La Valier? Lure. What disease did he die of? Wild. As most doctors do; I killed him. Wild. I should ask you that question, madam, since your ladyship makes the beau-monde where ever you come. Lure. Ah, sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, pestered to death here, by the incessant attacks of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me as close as our army did Namur. Wild. I hope your ladyship did not surrender, though. Lure. No, no; but was forced to capitulate. But since you are come to raise the siege, we'll dance, and sing, and laugh Wild. And love, and kiss votre chambre? -Montrez moi Lure. Attendez, attendez, un peu-I remember, sir Harry, you promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again. Wild. Pshaw, madam! that was above two months ago: besides, madam, treaties made in France are never kept. Lure. Would you marry me, sir Harry? Wild. Oh! la marriage est un grand mal-But I will marry you. Lure. Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if a gentleman will forfeit his honour in dealings of business, we may reasonably suspect his fidelity in an amour. Wild. My honour in dealings of business! Why, madam, I never had any business in all my life. Wild. Dear Mr Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant. Smug. My best friend, sir Harry, you're welcome to England. Wild. I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr Alderman! [Bowing very low. Smug. Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with you! Wild. There is a business, Mr Alderman, fallen out, which you may oblige me infinitely by -I am very sorry that I am forced to be trou blesome; but necessity, Mr AldermanSmug. Ay, sir, as you say, necessity- -But, upon my word, sir, I am very short of money at Lure. Yes, sir Harry, I have heard a very odd story, and am sorry that a gentleman of your fi-present; butgure should undergo the scandal. Wild. Out with it, madam. Wild. That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being obliged to you for a beating- -Here, take this Lure. Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted your bills of exchange to you in France, complains of some indirect and dishonourable deal-cudgel. ings. Wild. Who, old Smuggler? Lure. Ay, ay, you know him, I find. Wild. I have some reason, I think; why, the rogue has cheated me of above five hundred pounds within these three years. Smug. A beating, sir Harry! ha, ha, ha! I beat a knight-baronet! an alderman turn cudgelplayer!-Ha, ha, ha! Wild. Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your choice, Smug. Pshaw, pshaw! you jest. Wild. Nay, 'tis sure as fate-So, alderman, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. [Strikes him. Smug. Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!-What d've mean? Wild. Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir. Smug. Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest. Wild. Not in the least, sir; [Strikes him.] not in the least, indeed, sir. Sug. Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for they are the b'untest ets that ever I knew. Wild. [Strikes. I heartly beg your pardon with all my heart, sir. Smug. Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction enough from a gentleman. But, seriously now, if you pass any more of your jests upon me I shall grow angry. one or two more. Wild. I humbly beg your permission to break [Strikes him. Smug. Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are you mad, sir? murder, felony, manslaughter! [WILDAIR knocks him down. Wild. Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but I am absolutely compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: nothing can be more averse to my inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging friend, the Alderman. [Striking him all this while: SMUGGLER tumbles over and over, and shakes out his pocket-book on the floor; LUREWELL enters, and takes it up.] Lure. The old rogue's pocket-book; this may be of use. [Aside.] Oh, lord, Sir Harry's murdering the poor old man. Smug. Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I ain murdered in good earnest. Lure. Well, well, I'll bring you off, SeniorFrappez, frappez! SCENE I.-The Street. Enter STANDARD and VIZARD. Smug. Oh, for charity's sake, madam, rescue a poor citizen! Lure. Oh, you barbarous man!-Hold, hold! Frappez, plus rudement! Frappez- -I wonder you are not ashamed. [Holding WILD.] A poor, reverend, honest elder-[Helps Smug, up] It makes me weep to see him in this condition, poor man!-Now, the devil take you, sir Harry For not beating him harder-Well, my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll make you amends. [Here SIR HARRY takes snuff. Smug. Madam, I will have amends before I leave the place-Sir, how durst you use me thus? Wild. Sir? Smug. Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction. Wild. With all my heart. [Throws snuff into his eyes. Smug. Oh, murder, blindness, fire! Oh, madam, madam, get me some water. Water, fire, fire, water! [Exit with LUREWELL. Wild. How pleasant is resenting an injury without passion! 'Tis the beauty of revenge. Let statesmen plot, and under business groan, And, settling public quiet, lose their own; Let soldiers drudge and fight for pay or fame, For when they're shot, I think 'tis much the ACT III. Stand. I BRING him word where she lodg ed; I the civilest rival in the world? 'Tis impossible. Viz. I shall urge it no farther, sir. I only thought, sir, that my character in the world might add authority to my words, without so many repetitions. Stand. Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief struggles hard, before it can be brought to yield to the disadvantage of what we love; 'tis so great an abuse to our judgment, that it makes the faults of our choice our own failing. But what said sir Harry? Fiz. He pitied the poor credulous colonel, laughed heartily, flew away with all the raptures of a bride-groom, repeating these lines: A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys, Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys. Stand. A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my wrongs he whores her, and I am made their property!-Vengeance--Vizard, you must carry a note for me to Sir Harry. Viz. What, a challenge? I hope you don't design to fight. Stand. What, wear the livery of my king, and pocket an affront? 'Twere an abuse to his sacred Majesty: a soldier's sword, Vizard, should start of itself to redress its master's wrong. Fiz. However, sir, I think it not proper for me to carry any such message between friends. Stand. I have ne'er a servant here; what shall I do? Viz. There's Tom Errand, the porter, that Stand. Here, you, friend! [Calling. Viz. I have now some business, and must take my leave; I would advise you, nevertheless, against this affair. plies at the Blue Posts, one who knows Sir Harry | ball-for I'll be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, and his haunts very well; you may send a note I go to some ball, or some bear-baiting-'tis all by him. one, you know- -then, comes a tine Italian bona roba, and plucks me by the sleeve: Signior Angie, Signior Angle-She's a very fine lady, observe that-Signior Angle, says she-ignora, says I, and trips after her to the corner of a street, suppose it Russel-street, here, or any other street; then, you know, I must invite her to the tavern; I can do no less-There up comes her bravo; the Italiau grows saucy, and I give him an English dowse o' the face: I can box, sir, box tightly; I was a 'prentice, sir――――But, then, sir, he whips out his stiletto, and I whips out my bull-dog-slaps him through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of Russel-street again, and whips me into the ambassador's train, and there I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes. Wild. Is your pistol charged, sir! Stand. No whispering now, nor telling of friends, to prevent us. He that disappoints a man of an honourable revenge, may love him foolishly like a wife, but never value him as a friend. I'iz. Nay, the devil take him that parts you, say I. Enter Porter, running. [Exit. Err. Did your honour call porter? Err. Ay, very well, sir; he's one of my best masters; many a round half-crown have I had | of his worship; he's newly come home from France, sir. Stand. Go to the next coffee-house, and wait for me. Oh, woman, woman, how blessed is man when favoured by your smiles, and how accursed when all those smiles are found but wanton baits to sooth us to destruction! Thus, our chief joys with base allays are cursed, Clin. sen. Sir, sir, sir! having some business of importance to communicate to you, I would beg your attention to a trifling affair that I would impart to your understanding. Wild. What is your trifling business of importance, pray, sweet sir? Clin. sen. Pray, sir, are the roads deep between this and Paris? Wild. Why that question, sir? Clin. sen. Because I design to go to the Jubilee, sir; I understand that you are a traveller, sir; there is an air of travel in the tie of your cravat, sir; there is indeed, sir-I sup pose, sir, you bought this lace in Flanders? Wild. No, sir, this lace was made in Norway. Clin. sen. Norway, sir? Wild. Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal-boards. Clin. sen. That's very strange now, faithLace made of the shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you travellers see very strange things abroad, very incredible things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a cravat of the very same lace before I come home. Wild. But, sir, what preparations have you made for your journey? Clin. sen. A case of pocket-pistols for the bravoes, and a swimming-girdle. Wild. Why these, sir? sir. Clin. sen. Only a brace of bullets, that's all, Wild. 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray, let me see it. Cun. sen. With all my heart, sir. Wud. Hark'e, Mr Jubilee, can you digest a brace of bullets? Clin. sen. Oh, by no means in the world, sir. Wild. I'll try the strength of your stomach, however. Sir, you're a dead man." [Presenting the pistol to his breast, Clin. sen. Consider, dear sir, I am going to dead man at your service. the Jubilee when I come home again, I am a Wild. Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are not choleric for the future. Clin. sen. Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot seven Italians in a week, sir. Wild. Sir, you won't have provocation. Clin. sen. Provocation, sir? Zauns, sir, I'll kill any man for treading upon my corns; and there will be a devilish throng of people there; they say that all the princes of Italy will be there. Wild. And all the tops and fiddlers in Europe- -But the use of your swimming-girdle, pray, sir? Clin. sen. Oh, lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the ship's cast away; now, whilst other foolish people are busy at their prayers, I whip on my swimming-girdle, clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me away, like an egg in a duck's belly-And harkee, sir, I have a new project in my head: where d'ye think my swimminggirdle shall carry me upon this occasion? 'Tis a new project. Wild. Where, sir? Clin. sen. To Civita Vecchia, faith and troth, and so save the charges of my passage. Well, sir, you must pardon me now; I'm going to sce my mistress. [Exit. Wild. This fellow's an accomplished ass before he goes abroad. Well, this Angelica has got into Clin. sen. Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you-Sup-my heart, and I can't get her out of my head.pose us in Rome, now; away goes I to some I must pay her t'other visit. [Exit. SCENE II.-LADY DARLING's house. Enter ANGELICA. this seal my pardon; [Kisses her hand.] and this [Again.] initiate me to farther happiness. Ang. Hold, sir--one question, sir Harry, and pray, answer plainly-D'ye love me? Wild. Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hy Ang. Unhappy state of woman! whose chief virtue is but ceremony, and our much boasted modesty but a slavish restraint. The strict con-pocrites dissemble? Usurers love gold, or great finement on our words makes our thoughts ram- men flattery? Doubt these, then question that I ble more; and what preserves our outward love. fame, destroys our inward quiet. Tis hard that love should be denied the privilege of hatred; that scandal and detraction should be so much indulged, yet sacred love and truth debarred our conversation. Enter DARLING, CLINCHER junior, and DICKY. Dick. Aye 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to her? Clin. jun. I beg your pardon, Dicky; I know my distance. Would you have me speak to a lady at the first sight? Dick. Aye, sir, by all means; the first aim is the surest. Clin. jun. Now, for a good jest, to make her Enter WILDAIR, interposing. Clin. jun. What, the devil! the madman's here again. Lady Dar. Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront a gentleman of his quality in my house? Clin. jun. Quality!-Why, madam, I don't know what you mean by your madmen, and your beaux, and your quality-they're all alike, I be lieve. Lady Dar. Pray, sir, walk with me into the next room. [Exit LADY DARLING, leading CLINCHER.DICKY following.] Ang. Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable than 'twas the last time, I would advise you to make your visit as short as you can. Wild. The offences of my last visit, madam, bore their punishment in the commission; and have made me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as your ladyship can be till I sue for it. Ang. Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, and must therefore proportion it to the greatness of your apology; if you would, therefore, have me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse. Ang. This shews your gallantry, sir, but not your love. Wild. View your own charms, madam, then judge my passion; your beauty ravishes my eye, your voice my ear, and your touch has thrilled my melting soul. Ang. If words be real, 'tis in your power your to raise an equal flame in me. Wild. Nay, then, I seize-- Ang. Hold, sir! 'tis also possible to make me detest and scorn you worse than the most profligate of your deceiving sex. Wild. Ha! A very odd turn this! I hope, madam, you only affect anger, because you know your frowns are becoming. Ang. Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your own designs, can best understand whether my anger should be real or dissembled; think what strict modesty should bear, then judge of my resentment. Wild. Strict modesty should bear! Why, faith, madam, I believe, the strictest modesty may bear fifty guineas, and I don't believe 'twill bear one farthing more. Ang. What d'ye mean, sir? Wild. Nay, madam, what do you mean, if you go to that? I think, now, fifty guineas is a fine offer for your strict modesty, as you call it. Ang. Tis more charitable, sir Harry, to charge the impertinence of a man of your figure on his defect in understanding, than on his want of manners-I am afraid you're mad, sir. Wild. Why, madam, you're enough to make any man mad. 'Sdeath, are you not aAng. What, sir? Wild. Why, a lady of-strict modesty, if you will have it so. Ang. I shall never hereafter trust common report, which represented you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and breeding; for I find you very deficient in them all three. [Exit ANGELICA. Wild. Now I find that the strict pretences which the ladies of pleasure make to strict modesty, is the reason why those of quality are ashamed to wear it. Enter VIZARD. Viz. Ah, sir Harry! have I caught you?Well, and what success? Wild. Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows in town here to let the wenches grow so Wild. How sweet must the lips be that guard saucy. I offered her fifty guineas, and she was that tongue! Then, madam, no more of past of-in her airs presently, and flew away in a huff.fences; let us prepare for joys to come. Let I could have had a brace of countesses in Paris |