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hang him, I have teased him enough—Besides, Fortune, this once assist me as before: Parly, I begin to bc tired of my revenge: but, Two such machines can never work in vain, this buss and guinea I must maúl once more. I'll As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain. hairdsel his women's clothes for him. Go, get me
[Ereunt. pen and ink; I must write to Vizard, too.
SCENE I.-Covent Garden.
a woman, get it out of her hands as soon as you
An honourable lover is the greatest slave WILDAIR and STANDARD meeting.
in nature: some will say, the greatest fool. Come, Stand. I THOUGHT, sir Harry, to have met you come, colonel, that is something about the lady ere this in a more convenient place; but, since Lurewell, I warrant; I can give you satisfaction my wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge in that affair. shall be so, too. Draw, sir.
Stand. Do so, then, immediately. Wild. Draw, sir! What shall I draw?
Wild. Put up your sword first; you know I Stand. Come, come, sir, I like your facetious dare fight : but I had much rather make you a huniour well enough; it shews courage and friend than an enemy. I can assure you, this unconcern. I know you brave; and therefore lady will prove too hard for one of your temper. use you thus.Draw your sword.
You have too much honour, too much in conWild. Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but, science, to be a favourite with the ladies. the devil take me if I fight. Perhaps, colonel, Stand. I'm assured, sir, she never gave you this is the prettiest blade you have seen.
any encouragement. Stand. I doubt not but the arm is good; and, Wild. A man can never hear reason with a therefore, think both worth my resentment. sword in his hand. Sheath your weapon; and Come, sir.
then, if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body. Wild. But, prithee, colonel, dost think that I Stand. Give me but demonstration of her am such a madman, as to send my soul to the granting you any favour, and it is enough. devil, and body to the worms- -upon every
word? fool's errand ?
(Aside. Stand. Pardon me, sir-I cannot. Stand. I hope you're no coward, sir.
Wild. Will you believe your own eyes? Wild. Coward, sir! I have eight thousand Stand. 'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no; pounds a-year, sir.
they have deceived me already. Stand. You fought in Flanders, to my know- Wild. That's hard—but some means I shall deledge.
vise for your satisfaction—we must fly this place, Wild. Ay, for the same reason that I wore a else that cluster of mob will overwhelm us. red coat; because 'twas fashionable.
[Ereunt. Stand. Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.
Enter mob; Tom Errand's wife hurrying in Wild. True, sir; but there was no danger of
Clincher, sen. in Errand's clothes. lands nor tenements : besides, he was a beau, like myself. Now you're a soldier, colonel, and Wife. Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murfighting's your trade; and I think it downright dered my husband. Ah, my poor Timothy ! madness to contend with any man in his profes
Clin. sen. Dem your Timothy! your husband Stand. Come, sir, no more dallying ; I shall has murdered me, woman; for he has carried take very unseemly methods, if you don't shew away my fine jubilee clothes. yourself a gentleman.
Wife. Aye, you cut-throat, have you not got Wild. A gentleman! Why, there again, now. his clothes upon your back there? Neighbours, A gentleman! I tell you once more, colonel, that don't you know poor Timothy's coat and apron? I am a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds Mob. Aye, aye, it is the same. a-year. I can dance, sing, ride, fence, under- 1st Mob. What shall we do with him, neighstand the languages—Now, I can't conceive bours? how running you through the body should con- 2d Mob. We'll pull him in pieces. tribute one jot more to
gentility. But, pray, 1st Mob. No, no; then we inay be hanged for colonel, I had forgot to ask you, what's the quar- murder; but we'll drown him, rel?
Clin. sen. Ah, good people, pray don't drown Stand. A woman, sir.
me; for I never learned to swim in all my life. Wild. Then I put up my sword. Take her. Ah, this plaguy intriguing ! Stund. Sir, my honour's concerned.
Mob. Away with him! away with him to the Tiild. Nay, if your honour be concerned with Thames !
Clin. sen. Oh! if I had but my swimming giro , again, you're out. They're all alike, sir : I never dle now!
heard of any one that was particular, but one.
Stand. Who was she, pray?
Wild. Penelope, I think she's called, and that's Con. Hold, neighbours ; I command the peace. a poetical story, too. When will you find a poet,
Wife. Oh, Mr Constable, here's a rogue that in our age, make a woman so chaste ? has murdered my husband, and robbed him of his Stand. Well, sir Harry, your facetious humour clothes.
can disguise falsehood, and make calumny pass Con. Murder and robbery! then he must be a for satire; but you have promised me ocular degentleman. Hands off, there; he must not be monstration that she favours you: make that abused. Give an account of yourself. Are you good, and I shall then maintain faith and female a gentleman ?
to be as inconsistent as truth and falsehood. Clin. sen. No, sir, I'm a beau.
Wild. Nay, by what you told me, I am satisfiCon. A beau ! Then you have killed nobody, ed that she imposes on us all: and Vizard, too, I'm persuaded. How.caine you by these clothes, seems what I still suspected him: but his honesty sir?
once mistrusted, spoils his knavery. But will Clin. sen. You must know, sir, that walking you be convinced, if our plot succeeds ? along, sir, I don't know how, sir, I cannot tell Stund. I rely on your word and honour, sir where, sir, and so the porter and I changed Harry; which, if I doubted, my distrust would clothes, sir.
cancel the obligation of their security. Con. Very well. The man speaks reason, and Wild. Then meet me half an hour hence, at like a gentleman.
the Rummer; you must oblige me by taking a Wife. But pray, Mr Constable, ask him how hearty glass with me, toward the fitting me out for be changed clothes with him?
a certain project, which this night I undertake. Con. Silence, woman, and don't disturb the Stand. I guess, by the preparation, that wocourt. Well, sir, how did you change clothes ?
man's the design. Clin. sen. Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and Wild. Yes, faith! I am taken dangerous ill I drew off his : so I put on his coat, and he put with two foolish maladies, modesty and love: the on mine.
first I'll cure with Burgundy, and my love by a Con. Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's night's lodging with the damsel. A sure remedy, guilty: search him; and, if he carries no arms Probatum est. about him, we'll let him go.
Stand. I'll certainly meet you, sir. [They search his pockets, and pull out his pis
[Ereunt severally. tols.] Clin. sen. Oh, gemini ! my jubilee pistols !
Enter CLINCHER junior and Dicky. Con. What, a case of pistols! then the case is Clin. Ah, Dicky, this London is a sad place, a plain. Speak, what are you, sir? whence came sad, vicious place : I wish that I were in the you, and whither go you?
country again. And this brother of mine, I'm Clin. sen. Sir, I came from Russel-street, and sorry he's so great a rake: I had rather see him am going to the jubilee,
dead, than see him thus. Wife. You shall go to the gallows, you rogue. Dick. Aye, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at Con. Away with him! away with him to this same jubilee. Who d’ye think lives at this Newgate, straight!
same jubilee? Clin. sen. I shall go to the jubilee, now, in- Clin. Who, pray? deed.
Dick. The Pope. [Ereunt. Clin. The devil he does ! my brother go to the
place where the Pope dwells! he's bewitched,
sure ! Re-enter WilDair and STANDARD. Wild. In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense : fight
Enter Tom ERRAND in CLINCHER senior's for a woman ! hard by is the lady's house; if you
clothes. please we'll wait on her together : you shall draw Dick. Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strange your sword; I'll draw my snuff-box : you shall
ly altered. produce your wounds received in war; I'll relate
Clin. Altered! why, he looks like a Jesuit alinine by Cupid's dart: you shall look big; I'll ready. ogle: you shall swear; I'll sigh: you shall sa, Err. This lace will sell. What a blockhead sa, and I'll coupée; and if she flies not to my was the fellow to trust me with his coat! If I arms like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-mas- can get cross the garden, down to the water-side, ter deserves to be damned.
I am pretty secure. Stand. With the generality of women, I grant
[Aside. you, these arts may prevail.
Clin. Brother! Alaw! Oh, gemini ! Are you Wild. Generality of women! Why, there my brother?
But are you
Dick. I seize you in the king's name, sir. | brother, I'll court, and swear, and rant, and rake,
Err. Oh, lord! should this prove some parli- and go to the Jubilee with the best of them. ament man, now!
[Erit. Clin. Speak, you rogue, what are you?
Err. A poor porter, sir, and going of an er- SCENE II.—LUREWELL's house. rand. Dick. What errand ? speak, you rogue.
Enter LUREWELL and PARLY. Err. A fool's errand, I'm afraid.
Lure. Are you sure that Vizard had my letter? Clin. Who sent you?
Par. Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's Err. A beau, sir.
footmen gave it to him in the park, and he told Dick. No, no; the rogue has murdered your the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he brother, and stripped him of his clothes.
would be punctual to a minute. Clin. Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini ! Lure. Thus, most villains, some time or other, Oh, my poor jubilee brother! Stay-by Jupiter are punctual to their ruin; and hypocrisy, by Ammon, I'm heir, though. Speak, sir, have you imposing on the world, at last deceives itself. killed him? Confess that you have killed him, are all things prepared for his reception ? and I'll give you half a crown.
Par. Exactly to your ladyship's order : the alErr. Who, I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir! I never derman, too, is just come, dressed and cooked up killed any man but a carrier's horse once. for iniquity.
Clin. Then you shall certainly be hanged; but Lure. Then he has got woman's clothes on? confess that you killed him, and we'll let you go. Par. Yes, madam, and has passed upon the
Err. Telling the truth hangs a man, but con- family for your purse. fessing a lie can do no harm: besides, if the Lure. Convey him into that closet, and put worst come to the worst, I can but deny it again. out the candles, and tell him, I'll wait on him Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him. presently. Clin. Here's your money, sır.
(As Parly goes to put out the candles, sure you killed him dead ?
somebody knocks.) Err. Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in Eng. Jand.
Music plays without. Dick. But are you sure that he's dead in Lure. This must be sir Harry; tell him I am law?
not to be spoken with. Err. Dead in law! I cannot tell whether he Par. Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with. be dead in law. But he's as dead as a door-nail; Wild. I must have that from her own mouth, for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a Mrs Parly, Play, gentlemen. (Music plays again. hammer.
Lure. This must be some clown without manDick. Then you have the estate by statute. ners, or a gentleman above ceremony. Who's Any man that's knocked o' the head is dead in there? law. Clin. But are you sure he was compos mentis
Wildfir sings. when he was killed?
Thus Damon knocked at Celia's door, Err. I suppose he was, sir; for he told me
He sighed, and wept, and begged, and swore, nothing to the contrary afterwards.
The sign was so,
[Knocks. Clin. Hey! Then I go the Jubilee. Strip,
She answered, No. [Knocks thrice. sir, strip! By Jupiter Ammon, strip!
No, no, no. Dick. Ah! don't swear, sir.
Again he sighed, again he prayed, [Puts on his brother's clothes. No, Dumon, no, I am afraid : Clin. Swear, sir ! Zoons, ha'n't I got the e- Consider, Damon, I'm a maid. state, sir? Come, sir, now I'm in mourning for
No, Err. I hope you'll let me go now, sir.
I am a maid. Clin. Yes, yes, sir, but you must do me the fa
No, &c. vour to swear positively before a magistrate, that At last his sighs and tears made way, you killed him dead, that I may enter upon the She rose, and softly turned the key : estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon! Come in, said she, but do not stay. all my religion's gone since I put on these fine
I may conclude, clothes-Hey, call me a coach! somebody.
You will be rude, Err. Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one But if you are, you may.
[Exit Parly. immediately
Enter Sir HARRY. Clin. No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and, when he has made oath, you may Lure. 'Tis too early for serenading, sir Harry. discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica. [Exeunt Wild. Wheresoever love is, there music is Dick and ERRAND.] Now that I'm an elder proper : there's an harmonious consent in their
natures, and, when rightly joined, they make up Par. You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the chorus of earthly happiness.
the closet, and will come out to you immediately. Lure. But, sir Harry, what tempest drives Viz. Let me thank thee as I ought. [Kisses her. you here at this hour?
Par. Psbaw! who has hired me best? a couple Wild. No tempest, madam, but as fair wea- of shillings, or a couple of kisses ? ther as ever enticed a citizen's wife to cuckold Viz. Propitious darkness guides the lover's her husband in fresh air. Love, madam. steps, and night, that shadows outward sense,
[Windair taking her by the hand. lights up our inward joy. Night! the great Lure. As pure and white as angels' soft de-awful ruler of mankind, which, like the Persian sires.
monarch, hides its royalty to raise the veneration Wild. Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty of the world. Under thy easy reign dissemblers fires. Is't not so?
may speak truth : all slavish forms and cereLure. Oh, villain! What privilege have men monies laid aside, and generous villainy may act to our destruction, that thus they hunt our ruin? without constraint. [Aside.] If this be a nove-token, (Wildair drops Smug. (Peeping out of the closet.] Bless me! a ring, she takes it up.] your mistress's favours what voice is this? hang very loose about you, sir.
Viz. Our hungry appetites, like the wild beasts Wild. I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble of prey, now scour about to gorge their craving of taking it up, by any thing but desiring you to maws; the pleasure of hypocrisy, like a chained wear it.
lion, once broke loose, wildly indulges its new Lure. You gentlemen have the cunningest ways freedom, ranging through all unbounded joys. of playing the fool, and are so industrious in your Smug. My nephew's voice, and certainly posprofuseness. Speak seriously; am I beholden to sessed with an evil spirit; he talks as profanely chance, or design, for this ring?
as an actor possessed with a poet. Wild. To design, upon my honour. And I Viz. Ha!' I hear a voice. Madam—my life, hope my design will succeed.
[Aside. my happiness! where are you, madam? Lure. And what shall I give you for such a Smug. Madam! He takes ine for a woman too: fine thing?
I'll try him. Where have you left your sanctity, Wild. You'll give me another; you'll give me Mr Vizard? another fine thing.
Viz. Talk no more of that ungrateful subject Lure. Shall I be free with you, sir Harry? -I left it where it has only business, with day
Wild. With all my heart, madam, so I may be light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the dark. free with you.
Smug. Oh, the rogue, the rogue !-The world Lure. Then, plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour takes you for a very sober, virtuous gentleman. to see you some other time : for, at this
Viz. Ay, madam, that adds security to all my min'ite, I have two lovers in the house.
pleasure. With me a cully 'squire may squander Wild. Then to be plain, I must be gone this his estate, and ne'er be thought a spendthriftminute, for I must see another mistress within with me a holy elder may zealously be drunk, these two hours.
and toast his tuneful nose in sack, to make it Lure. Frank and free !
hold forth clearer- -But what is most my Wild. As you with me—Madam, your most praise, the formal rigid she, that rails at vice and humble servant.
[E.rit. men, with me secures her loosest pleasures, and Lure. Nothing can disturb his humour. Now her strictest honour-She who, with scornful for my merchant and Vizard.
mien, and virtuous pride, disdains the name of [E.rit, and takes the candles with her. whore, with me can wanton, and laugh at the
deluded world. Enter Party, leading i; SMUGGLER, dressed in
Smug. How have I been deceived! Then you women's clothes.
are very great among the ladies ? Par. This way. Mr Alderman.
Viz. Yes, madam, they know that, like a mole Smug. Well, Mrs Parly-I'm obliged to you in the earth, I dig deep, but invisible; not like for this trouble: here are a couple of shillings those fluttering noisy sinners, whose pleasure is for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed !- the proclamation of their faults; those empty but next time I'll steal a pair of silk stockings flashes, who no sooner kindle, but they must from my wife, and bring them to you-What are blaze to alarm the world. But come, madam, you fumbling about my pockets for?
you delay our pleasures. Par. Only setting the plaits of your gown :- Smug. He surely takes me for the lady here, sir, get into this closet, and my lady will Lurewell—she has made him an appointment wait on you presently.
too but I'll be revenged of both.[Puts him into the closet, runs out, and Well, sir, what are those you are so intimate returns with VIZARD.
with? Vic. Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear Viz. Come, come, madam, you know very auspicious little pilot?
well.m--those who stand so high, that the vulgar envy even their crimes, whose figure mischief I wish that I were safe within adds privilege to their sin, and makes it pass the city liberties- -I'll hide myself. unquestioned: fair, high, pampered females,
(Stands close. whose speaking eyes, and piercing voice, would arm the statue of a stoic, and animate his
Enter BUTLER, with other Servants and cold marble with the soul of an epicure; all
lights. ravishing, lovely, soft and kind, like you.
But. I say there are two spoons wanting, and Smug. I'm very lovely and soft indeed! You I'll search the whole house. "Two spoons will be shall find me much harder than you imagine, no small gap in my quarter's wages. friend. -Well, sir, but I suppose your dis- Serv. When did you miss them, James ? simulation has some other motive besides plea- But. Miss them! why, I miss them nowsure?
In short, they must be among you; and if you Viz. Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the don't return them, I'll go to the cunning man toworld—interest-You must know, madam, that I morrow morning- -My spoons I want, and my have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you spoons I will have. have seen him, I suppose ?
Serv. Come, come, search about. Smug: Yes, yes, I have some small acquain
[Search, and discover SMUGGLER. tance with him.
But. Hark'e, good woman, what makes you Vix. Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous hide yourself? What are you ashamed of? old rogue, that ever died of the gout.
Smug. Ashamed of! Oh, lord, sir, I'm an hoSmug. Ah, the young son of a whore! Well, nest old woman, that never was ashamed of any sir, and what of him?
thing. Viz. Hell hungers not more for wretched But. What, are you a midwife, then? Speak, souls, than he for ill-got pelf: and yet (what's did not you see a couple of stray spoons in your wonderful), he that would 'stick at no profitable travels? villany himself, loves holiness in another. He Smug. Stray spoons ! prays all Sunday for the sins of the week past; But. Ay, ay, stray spoons. In short, you stole he spends all dinner-time in two tedions graces; them; and I'll shake your old limbs to pieces, if and what he designs a blessing to the meat, you don't deliver them presently. proves a curse to his family; he's the most- Smug. Bless me! a reverend elder of serenty
Smug. Well, well, sir, I know him very well. years old accused for petty larceny!Why,
Viz. Then, madam, he has a swinging estate, search me, good people, search me; and if you which I design to purchase as a saint, and spend find any spoons about me, you shall burn me for like a gentleman. He got it by cheating, and a witch. should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my But. Ay, we will search you,
mistress. zeal and sobriety, I'll cozen the old miser, one of [They search, and pull the spoons out of his these days, out of a settlement and deed of con
Smug. Oh, the devil, the devil! Smug. It shall be a deed to convey you to the But. Where, where is he ! Lord bless us ! she gallows, then, ye young dog.
[Aside. is a witch in good earnest, may be. Viz. And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle Smug. Oh, it was some devil, some Coventover his grave with a coach and six, to in- Garden, or St. James's devil, that put them in form his covetous ghost how genteelly I spend my pocket.
But. Ay, ay, you shall be hanged for a thief, Smug. I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my burned for a witch, and then carted for a bawd. money buried with me.
[Aside. Speak, what are you? Viz. Bless me, madam! here's a light coming
Enter LUREWELL. I must fly immediately. When shall I see you, madam?
Smug. I'm the lady Lurewell's nurse. Smug. Sooner than you expect, my dear. Lure. What noise is this?
Viz. Pardou me, dear madam, I would not be But. Here is an old succubus, madam, that seen for the world. I would sooner forfeit my has stole two silver spoons, and says she is your life, my pleasure, than my reputation. (Erit. nurse.
Smug. Reputation, reputation ! That poor Lure. My nurse! Oh, the impudent old jade! word suffers a great deal-Well, thou art the I never saw the withered creature before. most accomplished hypocrite that ever made a Smug. Then I'm finely caught--Oh, madam, grave plodding face over a dish of coffee and a madam, don't you know me? Don't you remempipe of tobacco. He owes me for seven years ber buss and guinea ? maintenance, and shall pay me by seven years Lure. Was ever such impudence ! I know imprisonment; when I die, I'll leave him thee Why, thou'rt as brazen as a bawd in the the fee-simple of a rope and a shilling, side-box. Take her before a justice, and then te Who are these? I begin to be afraid of some Newgate; away!